Addict

"The winds of change forever blow, some things stay and some things go..."
I guess you were one of those things that go. One of the things I thought I was okay with but now apparently I'm not. I wish you were one of the things that stay. But maybe only for now, because I won't next week. I hope. For some reason I always give in. ALWAYS. As much as I hate myself for it it happens. Because I keep thinking maybe next time it'll be different.
Knowing what your addictions are and hating them does not stop you from giving in to them time and again. Although one is worse here and the other is worse there, they are still addictions and I still know I am addicted. And though I want help I don't.
"You will not be forgotten, but now that you're gone, the heartache lives on."

Too young to die, to old to live

I'm in a weird mood. There're things I want that I haven't wanted in a long time and I don't actually want them but I seem to think I do. Perhaps it's the music I've been listening to of late. It reminds me of a time in my life that I would like to go back to. But you can't go back. I don't know if I really want to or if I'm just being nostalgic. It was a good time. I don't like growing up anymore.
I have found a place that I think I belong. It feels more like belonging than home ever did. Then the question arises, "Where is home?" This place, or rather, these two places, are far more comfortable and far more accepting of me than Dalmeny ever was. It was strange being in church today. I haven't been in that church in two and a half months. It felt wrong, I couldn't focus myself. That was mostly my fault, but I feel almost suffocated here. Like, there are a lot of people who seem to care but don't actually. There are a bunch that do but there are lots that I don't want to talk to as well. They're just asking surface questions, that or I'm not comfortable enough to go deeper with them. I'm ready to go back to Bethany now.
The other thing I've become painfully aware of is my own mortality. I could die at any time and it's surprising how easy it would be. I'm starting to see pain and see problems I've never recognized before. And it's painful. Life is painful. Growing up is painful. Loss is painful. And somehow we grow and live and love and survive, and I don't think we could ask for more because this is beauty and this is life. It's like blood... beautiful and painful and significant and symbolic. Red.

Hope

We're not really crying for you
But for the things you'll never do
The people you'll never meet
The food you'll never eat
The places you'll never see
The character you'll never be
You'll never get to date or drive
As if you would were you alive
Somehow, it's not fair
This love you'll never share
All those things you wanted to try
All we can do is cry
As the year rolls on around
There's your body in the ground
And now you'll never grow up
But this pain will always show up
Although there's relief in where you've gone
I don't understand how we'll move on
Anguished we scream, "Why, God, why?"
Because all we can do is cry
I can see you smiling now
And crease the furrow in your brow
Look at us and laugh and say,
"Don't worry, I'll see you again one day."

I miss the sun

There's a heartbeat in my fingers
There's a buzzing in my head
This feeling never lingers
But it's something never said
There's a hunger in my body
There's a yearning in my heart
This desire holds so strong
And it's tearing me apart


I was reminded of my own mortality today; my brother's friend was in a car accident and died this afternoon. He was 15. There were six boys in the car and the other five are in the hospital. They were all in high school. My brother had a conversation with this fellow a couple days ago, over msn, but still, a conversation. He was at camp this summer, him and my brother were in the same cabin, that's how they knew each other. And now he's dead. It's not fair. They say God gives and God takes away, and it's true, but that doesn't lessen the searing pain that makes one wish for death. I am not feeling it but I am sure the family is, and his friends. Leaving us to ask why. What if that was one of my friends? Lots of people were on the road yesterday and today, going home from school. Lots of people are driving to a basketball game every day. Why does this boy have to die? Why must we hurt so?

Watch your back

Tired. Inspired. Exhausted. Frosted. Jaded. Complicated. Confused. Amused. Calling. Stalling. Ready. Unsteady. Pain. Insane. Outside. Alive.

I'm a massive mess right now and I don't know what's going on, but it's alright. Everything's gonna turn out alright. I don't understand but maybe, just maybe, that's okay. I think I know something I probably shouldn't, but that just makes me laugh. I think perhaps I am learning something I should know, which makes me glad and terrified at the same time. Sleep is lacking and 3 a.m. no longer seems late. Hockey games make me feel energized; I love them. I also saw the worst movie ever last night. It was terrible, not even funny, with the most pointless, stupid plot line I've ever heard of. There was 30 people in a basement, that made me think of home and how that was only me on my birthday. Somehow things are different here. I've come to some conclusions and had some thoughts, and decided I am both impatient and content. I am also a lot colder and a lot warmer. I saw someone today that had hurt me and I was not expecting to see them. It threw me, because I have forgiven them but the pain was fresh in my mind for some reason and I was slightly upset; I did not show it, but we also did not speak. I'm missing people in both directions of my life, but less of an outsider now. I have learned what my addiction is, and now I just must learn how to escape it and how to cope. Somehow I can only face myself at night.

This weather is good

SNOW!!! It's snowing it's snowing it's snowing. It's beautiful. And white. And cold. And falling in flakes from the sky in the millions and billions and every one is different and unique and beautiful. It's sprinkling the world with a white blanket that puts everything to sleep to wake up in six months time and it's beautiful. Just over a month until winter. A little more than that until Christmas. And the ground is white like it should be. Praise the Lord.

Every now and again

Technology is getting more and more ridiculous every day. Whatever happened to not listening to music plugged into your head when you are having a conversation with somebody, especially a serious one? What happened to talking to people, not typing words onto a machine that the other person receives a few seconds later? I much prefer real conversation. Where did all the fun of hanging out go? Our culture seems to prefer speed and technology over taking time and quality time. What happened to long slow walks where there are no distractions, no telephones, no music constantly pumping into your head, and no worries about who is doing what as is posted on the computer? Where is our time to be alone, alone with ourselves, alone with other people, or alone with God? How oxymoronic that I am typing this onto a computer. Not that technology is bad, we should just use it in more moderation than we seem to be doing. We're technology addicts. There's always more, always better, always faster. You can't catch up. As soon as you do, there's something newer. Our culture is degenerating so fast, you can't keep up. Whatever happened to the old ways of doing things? They were done that way for a reason. Perhaps because it worked.

Nothing here to see folks

A lonely lake, a lonely shore,
A lone pine leaning on the moon;
All night the water-beating wings
Of a solitary loon.

With mournful wail from dusk to dawn
He gibbered at the taunting stars—
A hermit-soul gone raving mad,
And beating at his bars.

-Lew Sarett


I think the trees are dying
They're starving for some love
Your eyes change color like the trees
And slowly fade like echoes from above

Going slightly mad

Home for the weekend. Going back to school tomorrow night. Going home. I'm crazy.
I'm surviving, I like school and I love living in dorms. As much as I'd like to say I miss my friends from home it is not as true as I might think. New place, new friends, new era in my life. Weird. Constantine got taken away from me... I didn't say she was spoken for. Damn. I have this strange desire to rip off my skin and throw it at people. To swerve into oncoming traffic. To jump into the fire. To take a sharp corner at high speed and forget to turn the steering wheel. Would you believe me when I say I like my life and wouldn't trade it for anything? Although I still have the desire to beat certain people with a stick until I feel better about that. Funny how my holidays are now spent at the house I grew up in, but the rest of my life is not. Funny how life changes in the blink of an eye. Funny how the scars I don't regret people don't approve of and I don't get them anymore; while the scars I do not like or want are the ones I still tend to give myself, but people don't mind so much. They're easier to pass off as habit, partially because they are.
Look what you did... or have I done it to myself?

Radio and color

I wish I could sing. I wish a lot of things. One can hear the people in concert choir singing from here, it's pretty. Facebook is dumb and stupid and is taking over the world. I miss Daniel. I miss Constantine.

Blue flowers

Funny how one falls into the same trap over and over again, knowing the dangers. It's hard to help yourself sometimes. But I'm learning. Slowly. Maybe. God is teaching me stuff, the question is now whether or not I'll retain it and use it this time. Hopefully. Although I think I handled this quite well it's hard for me to learn from it. I know my weakness now.

Sometimes songs are all I hear

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all her words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you
She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn't feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
You want her, you need her
And yet you don't believe her when she says her love is dead
You think she needs you
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him
Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years

-The Beatles

You broke my heart
I thought
But now I know better

Don't say it...

...even when I want you to

Three sleepless nights
This isn't how its supposed to be.
But you are so good at taking your time to get back to me.
I will wait for you forever, if you would just ask me.
I thought that I could change you
but you changed me.
It doesn't feel right, holding someone else's hand.
Together on phone lines, and living at two opposite ends.
It scares me to think, that you could find takers other than me, and better than me.
But your head is elsewhere, and I’m talking enough for both of us.
When will you see it's not (it’s not) so easy for me
you’re careless, and whispered, insulting, and bruising.
And I thought that you said things were improving.
These laces are untied,
but my feet are still walking away.
(I fall from you eyes, your eyes I trusted, you said forever)
I never thought that you could say these words.
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
(Don't say...)
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
(Don't say that we can...)
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
(Don't say that we can still be...)
Is this really happening?
I never thought that you could say these words.
Is this really happening?
(Don't say that we can still be friends)
Erase my name from this page.
How can you take all these days (What is inside of me what have I done?)
and throw them away (Is this the only way that you will notice me?)
as I sit here waiting for you (for you)
(Dead words for closed ears all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights (If you are still pretending this is what's right)
until stars leave the sky (Why can't you look at me can you only see?)
knowing what my dreams can take away (One side, your side, can take away)
Walk away from me.
This night is done.

-Emery

Like anyplace worth being

So I'm here like I've been everywhere else and it's strange and new and overwhelming but I'll get used to it and then it'll be fine. We have lots of reading throughout the semester which shouldn't be hard but I'm a procrastinator. Life goes on. It's weird that most people here are not from Saskatchewan, I've never been in this situation before. Probably because I've never been to college before. Ironically now that I'm here I kind of want to go home, to go back to where I was comfortable. But then the friends I'm making I wouldn't be making. So then I want to be where I am. I wish I had a car. Sometimes I wish I wasn't crazy. But then again, I wouldn't be what I am if I wasn't crazy. Classes are good, I'm taking Spiritual Formation, Intro to the Bible, Intro to Biblical Interpretation, Intro to TESOL, and Marriage and Family. How very exciting. Living in dorms is fun, I highly recommend it to everyone at least once. Same with Bible school. But I want to see Steph... STEPH... come visit me... I miss you for a long time.
Goodnight.

Life's waiting to begin

It's nice outside. And I don't know why I'm inside sitting at the computer. Habit, I guess. Like smoking or dancing. I think I'll go back outside when this is done.
I'm getting antsy. Can't sit still. Life is changing and swirling me along with it and sometimes I don't know where we're going. Is that such a bad thing? I'm tired of the same questions when people are trying to make small talk with me. Come up with something original, why don't you? But still, as it all stands, I'm excited for moving to Bethany.
School started today. It is the strangest concept, not being there, and at the same time it feels perfectly natural. It just feels like school hasn't started yet, that's all. And when I do go, the same people won't be there and it will be different. A different sort of school. I'm scared of growing up. Hesitant. It scares me. As much as I want to grow up I want to stay where I am, where I'm comfortable. But we all know that'll never happen. God works in strange ways sometimes. All the time.

...here I am...

Going home

Going home.
I've been going home a lot lately. The trouble is, home is always in a different place. Camp ended today. I will miss the people there. Bethany starts in 9 days. In 9 days I'll have moved out of the house. I will miss the people here. Let's go for coffee before I move. Let's just hang out. There's a week in which I'm doing nothing.
There are so many stories from camp and now I don't feel like telling any of them. Ask me sometime. It's a beautiful thing and as much as one loves it it is so good to be home, or what is home for a little while longer. What has been home my whole life until now.
What's going to happen to me now? I have to face the fact that I've grown up. I'm not a little girl anymore. It is a terrifying thought that I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in a year. I guess that's where you learn to rely so much on God, where you really haven't the foggiest notion of where you're going to be.
I haven't cried all summer. Well, I did a little bit, but that's because one of the girls in my cabin became a Christian. They were happy tears. I have this desire to cry, but I can't. Wedesday, this last Wednesday, was a bad day. One of only two bad days I had all summer, but still, I was frustrated. When you want to cry but you just can't, it is not a good thing. Feeling, emotion, being moved to the point of tears, used to come so easily, especially at camp. Now there's nothing.
Perhaps it is when you turn to God when there's nothing, no feeling, when you don't feel Him moving, that He is actually working in your life. When you feel Him, it's like a spiritual high, you know, like everyone says, camp's a spiritual high or whatever. I didn't get that this year. I tried, I really did, but nothing happened. Maybe it's better that way, because God still worked wonders this summer.
We hit a deer on the way home tonight. She jumped out in front of us and we schmucked her good. After we stopped I went to see if she was dead. She wasn't, she was just lying in the ditch, like she had decided to settle there for the evening, very peacefully. Her head was up and she looked at me. And then I cried. And then I went running back to the truck and we backed up and my daddy hit her over the head with a board so she was dead so she didn't hurt anymore. Because we broke her and although we couldn't help it and I wouldn't've cared if she'd died right away the fact that she looked at me first scared me.
That is all. Hugs are good.

Break me down

I want someone to tell me it's okay to have these dreams, that they don't mean anything. I don't want them to mean anything. I want to forget them and let things that are happening happen. As long as that's okay. I mean, it's comfortable. Like a bunnyhug that's huge but warm. Like cuddling with people in the staff lounge during meetings, when it's cold enough that you can't feel your toes. Like the fire when you're right behind me. Tell me you'll chase me when I run away, and that you won't be gone when I come back.
Sometimes God is frustrating. Always God is good. It's not difficult to see Him working at camp. It's harder to see Him working in my own life. I realize what I need to do but it's so hard. Perhaps it's the same for everybody. I don't know. I am only myself.
I dislike the fact that the people I most want to talk to are in Saskatoon, Alberta, and Australia. They are not here.
God help me. Let me do this on Your strength, for I have none of my own. Give me Your wisdom, for without it I will fail. Let me abandon myself into You, so that I will become what you want me to be. Take my fears and my joys, and make me Yours. Don't let this be superficial. Let me mean what I say. Amen.

You don't seem to understand

Difficult on purpose. Just to see if you'll always come back. But I don't know why. Why would you?

It's like coming home

Someone said "postsecondary education" to me today. It frightened me. I'm not old enough to go to postsecondary education. I am not old enough to leave home. I have left home. I live at camp now. It is a terrifying concept, realizing that you've grown up and are old enough to leave the place you've spent your whole life at, up to this point. In the past, I always thought the people who've graduated were so mature and grown up. Being here now, I have no idea why. Growing up scares me. At the same time, I am extremely excited for the rest of my life, for going to Bethany, and traveling, and who knows what else after that. But, this little town that I grew up in will always draw me back. In a way, I don't know if I'll ever really leave it.

The opposite of color

Eifersüchtig? Ja, aber nicht für der Grund du denkst. Ich weiß du macht nicht.

Daisy, give yourself away
Look up at the rain, the beautiful display
Of power and surrender, giving us today
And she gives herself away
Rain, another rainy day, comes up from the ocean
Gives herself away, she comes down easy
Are rich and debt the same?
And she gives herself away
Let it go, Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist, this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go
Pain, give yourself a name
Call yourself contrition, avarice or blame
Giving isn't easy, neither is the rain
When she gives herself away
Daisy, why another day?
Why another sunrise? who will take the blame
For all redemptive motion, and every rainy day
When He gives Himself away
Let it go Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist, this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest
Doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

Growing up

Something occurred to me today. If Lucy had met the White Witch before she met Mr. Tumnus, would she have been the traitor? It gets hard to tell which side is in the right if you go at it without knowing Mr. Tumnus first.
Next question. Say one were to really want something and pray and pray about it, and God says "Wait". So one waits and it works out, and later, months later, one was to want the same thing again, and pray and pray about it. Would God say no? If so, why didn't He say no the first time around? It is greatly frustrating when God says nothing at all, although logically I know there is nothing yet to say.

Crazy? I was crazy once

I have discovered what I want in life. I want to be a mother. That is my goal in life. I had a dream last night that I had 3 girls already and was pregnant again because my husband wanted a boy. I thought of it today, if I get married before I'm 21 years old, I can have 8 children by the time I'm 35 and they won't be awkwardly older than one another. It really wouldn't be that hard. Sometimes there are things that I want very badly. I am not sure whether these things are right or wrong and God has decided to be silent on the subject for the time being. One of the great things about camp is that one can really get to know God in a very easy way, He's right there all the time. Not that He isn't other times, just at Redberry you can feel it all the time. That doesn't mean I always do the right thing, it's hard. But there are some things I want very badly, some things I am doing that I have wanted to for a long time. But God is still quiet with his opinion. The Bible, I am learning, does not answer everything. There are gray areas that only God can answer. So we wait.

Catch your breath

I never fully realized how much I needed you
Until you were gone
And now I don't know what to do
Because I can't talk to anyone else
The way I talk to you
.....
I've never trusted anyone the way I trusted you
But now you're gone
And now I don't know what to do
Because I never trusted anyone else
The way I trusted you


Have you ever wanted something
Knowing it would be better not to have it?
In the long run I see this sense
Learned over and over again
Yet still, sometimes I wonder
If it isn't so bad
To desire
To ignore my better senses
And live in the moment
As foolish as I know it to be
Knowing it would be better in the future
To have then instead of now
Even so, I don't doubt this desire
Stems from jealousy, the wrong reasons
Perhaps the reason it grips so strong
Tonight

You realize

These dreams can't be bad because your arms are so warm and so comfortable. And tonight, I am happy.

I guess.

I put a ribbon around your neck (right now yeah)
Put the flowers in their vases
The summer sunshine rides the sky
And everyone's in their places

Now we're just waiting for you
You're dancing on the shore of the sea
Every time I see you I smile
'Cause that's what you do to me

There you are and everyone holds their breath
Hoping that you'll answer correct
Promise me you'll cherish me
To love, honor, and protect

Sunsets are always beautiful
There's no way they cannot be
But they are nothing to your smile
When you turn to look at me

I've been dirtier than you want to know

I dislike being forced to spend the evening doing something I don't want to do, with people who I feel don't care whether I'm there or not anyways. So I didn't have the greatest attitude but I went in going to try to have fun and I did for a bit and then it was just terrible. I am not always a pleasant person to be around, especially when I'm not happy. I'll be the first to admit that. I'm frustrated tonight, with myself mostly, but partially with others. I guess I'm not a good person. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I do. Sometimes I wonder what you must think of me. And then there are the days when all I want is one thing but it's that which I cannot have. I'm slowly getting used to that though.
So I'll go home and bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep tonight, and maybe tomorrow my skin will be thicker and I won't care so much that I hate that I do care. It's still not my idea of a good time. Some days I'm so jealous of you, knowing that I love what I have jealousy is still so strong, wanting more.

Are you listening?

one in three, you are here
(one in three, you are here to tell me we can't do this)
to tell me we can't do this
(three for three, i'll disagree)
anymore
your hair and face against the mirror
as I take the steps to save what's left of me
someone's out when it's over
people steal from you they take anything they choose
it's good to see you
I missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
I just wanted to say
this all seems so easy but there's choices to make
can't decide
then look at the faces
candlelight we're burning the pages
but ask us why
and hurting ourselves with this false start
resign yourself
and always be (and we pretend)
without the one (it simply gets easier)
thing you need (but does it get easier)
debating words with no replies
when we have these mornings where we can't say goodbye
I wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and I keep losing this fight
I won't (I won't)
answer (answer)
dancing on the starlight glow
no one in the city knows
confidence can take you
nerves try to shake you
from going all the way
it's not that far
it's good to see you
I missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
I just wanted to say
this all seems so easy
there's choices to make
we watch the tide roll in with cold air and coffee cakes
holding our words at lips
stopping the sounds they make
we know the way to go we know each step to take
to be here
these words with no replies
stopping we's and starting I's
this need is killing me and taking me over
I wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and I keep losing this fight

Memory tendencies

Since they make drugs for stomachaches and heartburn and menstrual cramps and everything else, why can't they make drugs that numb the pain of heartache or emotional hurt? I would OD on those instead, the ones that just make it go away, until I'm ready to handle it.

"...we might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain..."

Hear what the silence screams

Today I had plenty of time to think. Today I spent over 7 hours weeding at work. My body shows it. But I had plenty of time to think.
And so I thought.
And I discovered that the strangest things can enter your brain when you are alone for hours under the hot sun.
One thing I thought was that I pity celebrities, especially the younger women, such as Paris Hilton. We all know she's going to jail and she's apparently so stressed about that. Not that you can believe 3/4 of what any magazine prints. Taking that with a grain of salt, it made me wonder what she's really like. I mean, I doubt that anything we hear about her is the truth. And it's a tragedy, that someone would have to live like that, because looking at her, having all that money and fame for no reason, she looks so spoiled. But I wonder, has she ever been real? Or has she always had to play the role the magazines demand of her, of spoiled hotel heiress? What is she really like, without the masks and makeup and money? If she could just be herself without worrying about how the photographers will relay her every move for the common folk? I pity her that she seems to never have had to work a day in her life for something she really wants, because money can't buy everything. I pity that she seems so fake and I wonder if she even knows who she is behind the masks. No one else seems to.

Back and forth

Is it hypocrisy to want something that I don't want? If I know that I'm contradicting myself is it still being a hypocrite? I know what I want, that's not hard. What I can't seem to figure out is what God wants. When something's neither right nor wrong, what do I do?
It's an almost foolish trust, like hitting a tree with your eyes closed, because I don't know where you stand, and when I reach and there's not someone there to guide me I fall.

I keep losing this fight...

A crunchy drizzle

I dislike being with people when I am too tired to handle them. There are only a few people I want to be with right now and they are all not here. Not that I would expect them to be.
I also dislike coming home and finding out that boys have been sleeping in my bed. The fact that it was my brother and it was because someone else was using his room is irrelevant. It's my space, at least for another month.
I needed this weekend like nobody's business. I need camp, and I need the people who are there. This was a good weekend; ask me about it later. Right now I'm ornery because I came home and I'm tired and then I didn't get to go hot tubbing. Summer is going to be awesome.
The best quote of the weekend was made by Sam Klassen, "I've come to realize that God doesn't need me. But man, He really really wants me." (Wording is subject to change at discretion of author's memory.) But you get the gist.
I also made up a good quote last night, and it is "I am not content to sleep when I could be awake and dreaming."
Much more good things happened and it was very challenging and good. Gwen and I have a very good idea for Teen Camp that is going to be awesome, but I shan't announce it here.
Two more days off school to get tan lines. Seven day weekends are great, especially when they're not supposed to be happening. I'm pretty pumped, myself. And grad is in a month and a week. Closer and closer.
And now, ironically, I need to go to bed so perhaps tomorrow I may be civilized again and able to be with other people who will be able to tolerate me. Tonight I was not very nice to be around. One day I'll act my age.

Rhyme

I have your words in my head
But none of mine
And I can't pour onto paper
The ink that flows through my soul
I can't sleep for these days,
There's so much to think about and
How far away you are
Can't breathe can't dream
Dream about your arms with no consequences
No guilt
Make up my mind
And still, it's harder to breathe
No one knows what tomorrow brings
So sleep but I can't breathe
This paper is whiter than my black ink
The night is too bright for sleeping
Your words are my thoughts,
Too loud to drown out
Either way I'm guilty
Either way I dream

I came to lose... I don't want to lose

I want a holocaust cloak. I would wear it. For real for real.
I think about this too much. I know it but I don't stop it. We talk about it, sometimes seriously, sometimes jokingly, but never really. And I have realized that there's only a very few people in this world I trust completely, perhaps foolishly. I like being with those people, when I'm real without trying. Maybe foolish trusting should be more common, maybe it would make us better people. It would make us more transparent, more easily able to get hurt. I have also realized that I am still self-destructive, only in a more subtle way than before. I still have the scars to prove it. I don't know what's wrong with me, to know things and not do them. I need to know. I wonder what other people think, those that know me and those that do not, when I speak so freely of my scars. I wonder what they'll think when they'll figure out the rest. I wonder how many of them will leave and if the ones I foolishly trust will still be there to hang on to, or should I hang on at all? When it's not wrong but it's not right, what do I do?
Some days I wish I was capable of regretting. Maybe then I would be capable of forgetting.

Something is rotten in the state of my soul

Is it true what I heard about the Son of God? Did he come to save? Did he come at all? And if I dried his feet, with my dirty hair, would he make me clean again? They say they don't know when but a day is gonna come, when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. It will just go black, It'll all go back, to the way it was before. I knew a lovely girl, with such pretty pride, and every man wanted her, yeah and so did I. So did I. But she up and died in a fit of vanity. Now men with purple hearts, carry silver guns. And they will kill a man for what his father has done. But what my father did, you know it don't mean shit. I'm not him. So you think I need some discipline, well, I had my share. I have been sent to my room. I've been sat in a chair. And I held my tongue. I didn't plug my ears. No, I got a good talking to. And now I don't know why, but I still try to smile when they talk at me like I'm just a child. Well, I'm not a child. No, I am much younger than that. And now I have read some books and have grown quite brave. If I could just speak up I think I would say that there is no truth. There is only you and what you make the truth. So I will just sing my song and I'll pass a hat. Then I'll leave your town and never look back. No, I don't look back because the road is clear and laid out ahead of me. I'll get home and meet my friends at our favorite bar. We'll get some lighter heads for our heavy hearts. And we will share a drink. Yeah we will share our fears and they will know how I love them. They will know how I love. They will know how I love them. I am nothing without their love. I don't know when but a day is gonna come when there won't be a moon and there won't be a sun. It will all go black. It will all go back to the way it is supposed to be. Is it true what I heard about the Son of God? Did he die for us? Did he die at all? And if I sold my soul for a bag of gold, which one of us would be the foolish one? Which one of us would be the fool? Which one of us would be the foolish one? Which one of us would be the fool? Could you please start explaining? You know, I need some understanding. Could you please start explaining? You know, I need some understanding. Could you please start explaining? You know, I need some understanding. I could do good with some explaining. You know. I want to understand.

This is the most honest song I have ever heard. I don't morally agree with all the lyrics but something about this song cuts me open and lays me bare.
There's something wrong, something that bothers me, about the way we are. Something disturbing, something callous. We shouldn't be as fake as we are. The things we joke about feel wrong, I noticed this as I was coming home today. What's funny shouldn't be. It is perverted and I want to stop. I don't know how. It's like a train that we've set into motion that I want to stop almost desperately now but I can't and I laugh anyway. And it does hurt and it isn't right. How have I become that which I once hated?

Smile

Teri: "Puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, puppets, PUPPETS!" (etc.)
Jessica: "SOMEONE please answer her."
Ashley: "Teri, no. Puppets is a ridiculous idea."
Janelle: "You're effed in the head." x100 billion

Ally: "I'm welting my max!"

...the joys of hating English

Oh, she's getting giggly.

Wishing on a star

I want to do something reckless, dangerous, foolish, possibly damaging to friendship, bad, and at the same time fun and good, without a thought for the consequences. The problem is, I've been thinking about the consequences all evening, but I've also been thinking of doing it. Why can't I just get lucky? I mean, everyone else is doing it. And as much as I love the way it is and I wouldn't change it for the world, I want to be reckless. Take a chance. Make my own mistakes. Close my eyes, take a deep breath, and wish it didn't matter so much. Live a little wilder.

Sing to the Lord

Heute ich bin sehr glücklich. Heute ist gut.

When I press the keys it all gets reversed

Other people's words are filling my head; I have none of my own. Their songs catch and say what I want to say and therefore my words are as blank as the paper I write them on. And I miss you, you're so far away across the ocean and I wish you were closer so we could talk more like we did once upon a time. It's crazy now, now that the people I need to talk to are all so far away. I hate school more and more these days, the only highlights being the camping trip and nice weather so we can eat outside. I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther from the things that once anchored me here and I'm becoming faker and faker whenever I'm around people. Why can't I be real anymore? Why can't I be what I found last summer, myself? Why do I feel like crying so much these days? I'm sad tonight and I don't know why. It feels right somehow, though. Maybe sad is okay these days.

I still believe You'll carry me tonight

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends
you know I've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep you
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
tryin' to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover I don't understand
'cause I don't understand
love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the heart's deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

I've been thinkin'

"One in three, you are here to tell me we can't do this
Three for three I disagree..."

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
Get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection..."

"I've been thinking about these funny things that I remember..."

"I'm sorry for the phone call, and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
And I'm sorry about the phone call, and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, 'cause I needed to
There are some things that just can't wait."

"I'll be fine, you'll be fine..."

"Maybe we, why don't we, sit right here for half an hour
We'll speak of what I waste I am
And how we missed your beat again"

"We might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain..."

Make your choice, adventurous stranger
Strike the bell and bide the danger
Or wonder, 'til it drives you mad
What would have followed, if you had.

Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream

I feel like writing but I don't know what. I had a really good evening tonight; I wish we did that more often. Like we used to. I've gotten used to this new idea and although I don't like it I've finally accepted it. I'll be fine. It's cold in here. And it's almost Easter break. I hate school so freaking much right now it's not even funny. So that much time off will be wonderful. This much closer to grad. I am jealous of the people going to Europe this next week. Why doesn't Dalmeny do things like that? Oh yeah, we're a ghetto town with a cheap school. There's something about you that makes me smile. I don't know why. The colors are swirling together like the cold mist and the blue on my wrist, until it's just memories and moments and it spins around in torrents, the clock's going backwards until yesterday is all we have to live for but tomorrow's still waiting for someone to break out of this falling upwards and hit the ground with enough air left in their lungs to breathe for a while, until the clouds stop whirling in their crazy dance and my kaleidoscope eyes close, once you can balance out the checkbook you'll be too poor to play this game anymore, once you balance out your mind the language will switch. Maybe she's lucky.

Coming unglued

They say fire can make a conscience clean, so I was wondering if I would feel better if I burned it down. I was wondering why you are so far away when I need you the most. I was wondering why I am such an asshole. I was wondering if I could burn my skin off so my soul shows through and if you would still love me then. I was wondering how long this will take and if it will happen in time. I am wondering when I'll be able to forgive myself.

My hands are shaking cold

If I could be one place in the entire world right now it would be in your living room. Just talking to you and not having to be anything all night. Where nothing matters and no one cares and I can be so simple and the world can't get at me. And I don't have to be.

There's more to living...

Bigots. You never try to find out what this is like, that's why you hate it so much. The only vibe I get from you is that you're so much better than me. You think you're such a good Christian but you aren't. GET PAST THE FREAKING FACE VALUE. There's so much more that you can't see because you're so wrapped up in what you think it is, even though you're not even close to the truth. You don't know these people. You can't see anything outside of your nice religious box. But then again, I must be crazy. After all, I've gone to a party where there was alcohol. And I even tasted it.

Giving up hurts the most

Why is it so damned hard to find a place I can truly be happy? Why am I trying so hard to find a place called home when is all actuality home is right here where I am? Why do the words you write speak so clearly to me my heart hurts when I hear them? Why do I wait so long for you but you never call so it's never worth it? And why oh why do I keep coming back and thinking maybe this time it'll be different when you so obviously never cared for me in the first place, and all those times were just obligation? I guess it's been too long, one too many nights spent waiting. So it's over then, and all I now have to do is wait for summer, when I can escape to one of the original places I was ever truly content.

I just wanted the assurance that I am still here for a reason, that I'm not crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not losing my mind and remind me of the things I love. Let me know that I haven't lost my mind.

Why do I give up so easily?

Sherbet spigot med kit

Went out job hunting today. Didn't catch any, maybe it would help if I learned to aim when I shoot. All those poor jobs, running around out there and not hanging on my wall as trophies. However, all the places I went to said that they'd keep my resume resume resume resume resumae should be spelled like that and not like resume. Continue. [That was a terrible pun, I love it.] The place I would most like to work at is the butcher shop in Martensville {I seem to be the antithesis of Nicole here} and they seemed to be the least likely to hire me. The place I would least like to work is Tim Hortons and they seemed fairly eager to hire me, all things considering. I also applied at the nursing home here in town and I phoned my neighbor who owns chicken barns to see if he needed someone, but my first choice would be the butcher shop. I have butchered a cow before and it was great fun. A very good skill to have, butchering. Very useful. Good to know after you've shot and bagged a job.

Anyways, "Hey guys, I forget, how old are you when you're fifteen?" Hey, Lindsay?

There is always tomorrow

Now what? There's so many places I want to be and so many people I want to stay up all night talking to and so few of them live in this town.
"I'll close my eyes, just for tonight, the sun still sleeps, and when she wakes... maybe we will find love again..."
As different as we are, it feels so natural to hang out with you, and I'm so happy when I'm with you guys, you make me smile so unlike so many people from here. There's nothing tying me here anymore except school and a few friends, none as close anymore as I wish we were, as we used to be. And a few that I never want to see again but I have to because it's the required thing now, you hang out in the same group so you're supposed to like each other but I'M SO SICK OF YOU and it's all falling out. It's all disappearing, and in a little while it'll all be gone. And there's still so much we never said and so much we'll regret so live it while you have it because soon it will be a memory. And I hate that. Isn't that ironic...

Like drinking liquid nitrogen from a bottle

I'm tired of this. I want to get out and there's no way out. I'm a fool. My head hurts and my body hurts, but my heart hurts worst of all tonight.

Fire can make a conscience clean

So let go of this echo, I have to learn to let go
As long as this is burning I don't know if I can
But just like the song says pour on the gasoline
"Fire can make a conscience clean"
So we'll burn it down and forget
There's so much time left
To one day get this straight and remember maybe forever


Don't ask me the perfunctory questions that you feel you must in order to be polite. I would rather you just said hello than ask me questions you don't even want an answer to, because I can see through you and you don't really care. It's not necessary to go beyond that because you don't know me and you're not trying to know me. An old newspaper clipping is a tiny aspect of me, not the only part, but it's the only part you know so you ask about it, expecting a one word answer, "good", but you won't get that because it's not true, and then you regret asking. I don't want your false curiousity, because you are transparent, and I don't need that.

I don't care what everyone was laughing at

"I don't know what everyone was looking at
I don't care what everyone was laughing at
I don't know what everyone was staring at
But I think, I think that it's me"

I think that the more I want something these days the more God says to me, you don't really need that as much as you think you do, so I won't give it to you as you'd like it. Be happy with what you have and don't always go asking for more. It is frustrating. We all know that I am not the most patient person around, and as such I hate waiting, especially when I really really want something. But what's in my head is not necessarily in my heart, and if it is in both then it is not necessarily in God's plan for me. Because it's not happening and there's not much I can do about it anymore. Already, I'm annoyed that I even have to try. So what do I do besides pray? And when you tell me to pray it's still annoying because that's what I have been doing. This sounds almost blasphemous because I'm not the good Christian who prays over everything, and my prayers are mostly selfish anyway. But still, I wish someone would come up with a better answer than 'pray about it'. It sounds so wrong to say but I'm tired of praying about this and yet I know it's not the time for it to happen yet. So let's get on with this God. I've told you time and again that I want to do this before the world ends, so what's wrong with starting now? Even though I still am in high school, I'll be out in four months. It's not like no one else has done it. It's not even like I'm starting exceptionally early, in fact compared to some people I'm actually late. I do like what I've got but is it such a sin to want more? In fact, is this such a unique frustration?Not really but I tend to think it is simply because I am selfish. I want this but I want it now and not in God's timing, so it comes down to can I have it now but not for long or can I wait on God and take a chance that this could possibly be forever? And I know which one I want more but it still depends on God and other people and my new realization of how much patience I can actually have.
"He made them run as fast as they could, before they had been running as fast as they thought they could, which is not quite the same thing."
Oh, how I wish it was summer.

It's not in my nature to try only once

I'm wasting my life waiting on you
But tonight I really don't care
And as long as you'll be there in the morning
I'm willing to try one more time

Slow the evening down... the stars are coming out

"It is better to believe when all hope is lost than to not believe and lose all hope."
"It's a song about never giving up, about following your dreams at all costs, and never losing hope."

I think that someone should kidnap Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn, and take her away to a small country town and raise her as their own daughter, away from this ridiculous custody battle and who her father is. The poor child's life is going to be so screwed up just because of who her parents are, or claim to be, or who claims to be her parents. It makes me sad that she, like so many other children of celebrities, will be analyzed and watched and in the public eye her whole life, for no other reason than to satisfy our sick desire to watch other people's lives close enough to point out all their faults. This little girl never asked to be famous, she never asked to have 5 different men claim to be her father, she would never want this. Would you?
So someone, please, take her and never let anyone find her, raise her as your own. Keep her away from this disgusting world of famousness. Take her to Sunday School, make her read the classic books, take her to visit her grandparents every Sunday for lunch. Buy her wooden blocks to play with instead of the newest Playstation. Teach her to ride horses and rope cows. Teach her to sew and buy her rag dolls. Any girl would rather have a rag doll than a Barbie. Teach her to speak two languages, to play the piano and sing. Have family nights and play games with her. Make her share a room with her sisters and let her wrestle with her brothers. Teach her to shoot but get her a pet. Let her climb trees and ride bikes, and go out with friends without supervision when she is old enough. And when she falls and scrapes her knees, kiss it better and shoo her outside to play some more. When she's old enough to date, ask that her boyfriend come get permission from her father before he takes her out. Let her get a job and make money, don't just buy her things that she wants. Let her live a simple life, a normal life, without photographers behind every bush or tree. Show her that the beauty is in the simplicity of life and family. Love her.

You're nothing but a dreamer

What's wrong with dreaming? They always said dream big, and when I do you tell me it'll never happen. You say it's impossible, it's illogical, no one would want that these days. Yet when I say I do want that, you laugh in my face. So I'm different than you are, since when was that a bad thing? What's wrong with the old ways? They had some merit, to have survived for so long. It's not such a bad idea. Have so many people laughed at your dreams that you can no longer recall what you wanted and know only what they wanted for you? Have so many people told you that it was impossible that you have started to believe them? No one gave you the right to judge me. No one ever asked you to. You hurt my feelings, you did, but you never realized it. I have thought about it, this isn't a spur of the moment idea. Why are the things I've always wanted so hard for other people to accept, let alone understand? Why are you laughing at my dreams?

Cousins

sarahhhh. says:
so do you know what you want to do after college?
Tyne says:
travel Europe, get married, and have a schwack of children
sarahhhh. says:
lol me too, except not quite a schwack
Tyne says:
for jobs I think I'd like to be a blacksmith or a postmistress, that's what I want to do, because they told me there's no such work as old school blacksmithing anymore
sarahhhh. says:
you should become amish
Tyne says:
no I like my stereo and computer too much, as bad as that is
sarahhhh. says:
you could be amish and secretly have a discman and computer in you basement and still be a blacksmith
Tyne says:
haha nope they'd catch me, they wouldn't let me be a postmistress and a blacksmith
sarahhhh. says:
you could be a postsmith, or a blackmistress
Tyne says:
HAHAHAHAHA I like that
sarahhhh. says:
me too
sarahhhh. says:
why dont you just be a writer
Tyne says:
because they don't accept that when they ask you what you want to be next year
sarahhhh. says:
oh
Tyne says:
they want you to go to school and pay lots of money and use those brains that got you those good marks
sarahhhh. says:
ya, i want to go and work as a bosun's mate on salts but i tell everyone that i'm going into music
for the same reasons
Tyne says:
work on a boat the rest of your life... that wouldn't be so bad
sarahhhh. says:
i know
sarahhhh. says:
getting paid to sail is the most ridonkulous thing i have ever heard i dont care that the pay is really bad...i could go get a degree and make lots of money and retire young and then once i was retired i could go and pay other people to let me sail or i could get a job sailing and then i would never need to retire
Tyne says:
and it wouldn't really matter what the pay was
sarahhhh. says:
nope
Tyne says:
that's what I want, a job that I love and then the pay doesn't matter and screw everyone who wants me to go to university
sarahhhh. says:
yeah...i feel bad cuz i have really good grades and i know i should go to college. but i don't want to take anything academic...i'm already so sick of school. the only thing i would do i take theatre at mount royal college cuz then i could be in shakespeare in the park
Tyne says:
grades used to matter but now they don't and it frustrates the career people
sarahhhh. says:
basically i'm making my backup plan with all the career people. but they don't know that
Tyne says:
I just told her I wanted to be a blacksmith, that frustrates the heck out of them
sarahhhh. says:
tell them you want to be a shepherd
sarahhhh. says:
or a turd surgeon
Tyne says:
what's a turd surgeon?
sarahhhh. says:
i dont know, just tell them you want to be one. it's someone who does surgery on turds.
Tyne says:
I'll tell her I want to be a English town in the 1400s
sarahhhh. says:
or a scarf or a potato
Tyne says:
haha or a politician
sarahhhh. says:
or a bumblebee
sarahhhh. says:
haha you should go to my school. we have a huge focus on the whole career planning thing
Tyne says:
I'd screw them over so bad
sarahhhh. says:
we had this huge survey thing on what career would best suit you and i almost asked my teacher why "hooker" wasn't one of the options
sarahhhh. says:
or ninja
Tyne says:
you should've
sarahhhh. says:
mrs. topp... i wanna be a hooker when i grow up!
Tyne says:
THAT would be a good thing to say
sarahhhh. says:
or i'll tell her i want to sell wacky tobacky for a living, and hippy lettuce
Tyne says:
haha just screw with her head
sarahhhh. says:
those are my two favourite names for pot
Tyne says:
haha you should send me yarba in the mail
sarahhhh. says:
they might be a little suspicious but if you're the postsmith then who will know?
Tyne says:
yeah it kind of looks like marijuana I think but it's definitely not
Tyne says:
I can't be the postsmith in Calgary AND Saskatoon
sarahhhh. says:
i wonder if you could make tea out of marijuana
Tyne says:
never tried but you can out of yarba and that's just as good
Tyne says:
"teacher, can I be an alarm clock for a living?"
sarahhhh. says:
or a parasite on the back of a vacuum cleaner
Tyne says:
or the cotton in the vitamin C jars
sarahhhh. says:
or that line of dust that you never can seem to sweep up
Tyne says:
or the left cup of a diamond brassiere
sarahhhh. says:
or a large wooden badger
Tyne says:
that's it
Tyne says:
I will be a large wooden badger for the rest of my life
sarahhhh. says:
with a schwack of children ...large, wooden children
Tyne says:
and a postsmith in the yard
sarahhhh. says:
and a blackmistress for a neighbour
Tyne says:
and I will marry a *******
sarahhhh. says:
and drink yarba
Tyne says:
and be very very happy
sarahhhh. says:
and eat inverted toilet plungers
Tyne says:
no that's creepy
sarahhhh. says:
fine. you don't have to invert them. and you can take the handles off too if you really must.
Tyne says:
I must
sarahhhh. says:
"the snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off"
Tyne says:
then do they frown back?
sarahhhh. says:
no.
sarahhhh. says:
they look...
sarahhhh. says:
perturbed.
sarahhhh. says:
but that is different than frowning
Tyne says:
perhaps they are upset that you have bitten their head off
sarahhhh. says:
perhaps, but they are most upset by the difficulty they are experiencing in expressing their emotions without a head.
Tyne says:
ahh
sarahhhh. says:
and you could have a pet snorkelflorbin named Glurge.
sarahhhh. says:
anytime you need career counselling...
sarahhhh. says:
trust the experts.

Singles Awareness Day

Tell me all the dreams that you have let slip right through your hands
Do you feel lost inside of someone else's life
And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind
I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try
Yeah we'll never know till we try
Failure is the only way to learn till you've come undone
The rest we'll never find out what they might have been
And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind
I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try
Yeah we'll never know till we try
So don't tell me sometime just where did we go wrong, yeah
And we're not gonna live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not gonna make up your mind
I don't wanna live without you
And I don't wanna live a lie
We'll never know till we try

-Lifehouse

Ich kenne nicht warum

ich schreie, wenn ich bin so glücklich.

A frustration incomplete

One in three, you are here to tell me we can't do this
Three for three I disagree

There's something sad in the clearness of your voice and the way you sing these songs to me.

On to the point of this. There's a person who shall remain anonymous, who is at the same time the most frustrating, most cruel, and the nicest person around. They have done things for me that are extremely good and pretty much make the entire day wonderful. At the same time, to friends or to myself they are mean and unkind in things they say and the little things they do. They are an enigma. Now, there's an... "award", if you will, that they are thinking about applying for. They have the credentials for it, they've done the time, so to speak, they have a good chance of getting it. The question I'm struggling with is Do they deserve it? Because it is frustrating that they may get this despite their character. There's two sides to their character and I can see both, but many people only seem to see the "good" side, and not the painful one. Still, it would be pretty sweet if they get this, because they HAVE done things enough to deserve it. In the end there's nothing I can do anyway except pray.

And a quote to end with.
Teri: "I want to marry a *****." [That's not a swear word by the way.]
Sheila: "Please tell me you didn't just say that out loud."
Teri: "NO NOT THAT ONE!!! The younger one."

It's theology

Sometimes the places I'm happiest are not where I am.
Yesterday morning I had a very long and interesting discussion on certain aspects of Christianity. I am going to recap some of the topics here, but before you read, keep in mind that this is mostly theory and I do not necessarily believe everything on here. However, it does make sense and is highly fascinating. I also apologize beforehand because my memory is imperfect and I cannot explain things as well. Don't believe everything on this post, just think about it.
1) Catholicism is a cult. An example is praying to Mary, which will be explained in the next point. Another example is priests. Catholic priests are breaking the very first commandment God gave Adam, which is not do not eat the fruit of this tree. It is "be fruitful and multiply". Also, all high priests in the Old Testament HAD TO BE married. They were not allowed to be priests otherwise. There's a little bit of perversion from that model nowadays isn't there? There's more to this theory but I am not going to say anymore at this particular point because I either don't remember it or it's hard to explain and I'll end up screwing it up.
2) There is no such thing as the Trinity. God is more than just 3. There are so many aspects to God that they cannot be counted, but He is still one. The Trinity was put into Christian doctrine but the Romans, when they were converting their Empire from Mytholicism into Christianity. You see, in Mytholicism there were three gods, the Old Man who wanted to kill you, the Child, and the Woman who was the intercessor. Compare: the Father is the Old Man, Christ is the Child, and the Holy Spirit is the intersessor. Catholics also pray to Mary as the intercessor. Perhaps there is more to God than we originally thought.
3) The Church is not the Bride of Christ. Israel is the Bride of Christ. Israel is the Church. This one's harder to explain without speaking it, because you need voice inflections. The "Church", as we so fondly say, is in fact Israel. To be a Christian you have to be Israelite, because Christ's Bride is Israel. However, Israel is not entirely Jewish. There was a Gentile tribe, or half-tribe, if you prefer. You see, under Israelite tradition, the oldest son is the one that carries on the father's line. Joseph's oldest son, Manassah, would therefore be Jewish, but his younger son Ephraim would be Egyptian, or Gentile. It follows that it is possible to be Israelite without being Jewish. It also follows that to be a Christian you are part of Israel. You cannot be a Christian without also being an Israelite.
4) Somewhat following the third point, Christ died so he could get remarried. To explain: Christ married Israel at the beginning, but then Israel split into Israel and Judah. So Christ was married to both. In Old Testament law, you can only divorce due to marital unfaithfulness. Israel was unfaithful, so Christ divorced her. He was still married to Judah however. Time goes on and Judah's still faithful. The only way Christ can remarry Israel, [as a whole] is for either him or his wife to die. We're still following Old Testament law, which states that for someone to get re-married, one of the original partners must die. So either the bride, which is Israel as a whole, or God must die, so that they can remarry as it should have been before Israel was unfaithful. So God sent Jesus, who was also God, to die so He could marry Israel as a whole. We are Israel. The concept I ended up with here is that God is polygamous. I don't think He is but He is married to more than one Bride, but it is the same Bride in the end.
5) Also somewhat following the third point, there is a theory that the original roots of Mennonites are Israeli. When Babylon scattered Israel, they scattered them across the whole Persian Empire, which stretched all the way to Spain. When a group of people faithful to their religion are uprooted and transplanted somewhere else, they will still follow their religion, even if they cannot travel to their holy city. All Israelites were scattered, the few faithful as well as the many adulterous. It stands to reason that a group of the faithful could have been moved to Spain, at the far reaches of the Empire. There they would have continued practicing their Christianity, although it didn't have that name yet. When a group of people practicing a certain religion is dumped into the middle of your town, and they refuse to conform to your culture, they will probably be persecuted. They will also probably get several followers. Cultures will be absorbed if not conformed. When a group of people is persecuted in one culture they may travel, to get away from the persecution. Now imagine this happening over several hundred years and get a map of Europe. Start in Spain and think about the history of Mennonites, and how they traveled in groups to get away from persecution. It is possible that they began with Israeli origins and, when sick of the teaching of the Catholic Church, started listening to the theories of a man named Menno Simon. Put it together, I'm tired of typing.

So if anyone actually read all the way down to here congratulations. I am missing a lot of important stuff here but this is about the gist of it. It's theory, it's what the person who this conversation was with believes, or at least partially, and it makes enough sense to me that I'm debating believing it. For a final thought, perhaps God is neither male nor female, but both male and female together. Angels are sexless, could not God be both sexless and both sexes? Have fun with that one.

You're an addict to the need to find yourself a way to breathe

Today's an anniversary. Two years to the day. And ironically, I don't regret it yet. It wasn't the best idea ever but what's done is done. Without it I would have had different experiences and I would relate different to some people. That's perfectly alright. In retrospect it's not smart at the time, but looking at it now its consequences make my life better today. Funny, isn't it?

Feet are made for dancing

Rules are made for breaking
Hands are made for holding
Songs are made for singing
Afternoons for waiting

If paper was made for writing
Then post office boxes were made for mail

Trees are made for burning
Knives are made for cutting
These games are made for playing
And still I'm waiting...

We can't rewind we've gone too far

Once again, Conor Oberst has put my thoughts onto his music and I wonder how much someone has to go through to write like this but I realize it's not as much as you think, it is just an extraordinary talent. I wish I could write this well.


All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Trying to keep alive

1. If you could marry one celebrity who would it be? Conor Oberst, hands down
2. If you could be anywhere in the province during this blizzard, where would you be? I don't want to answer this question, it might come back to haunt me
3. What's your favorite season and why? Winter because I was born on the Winter Solstice
4. Favorite style of music? Celtic
5. Favorite city? Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
6. Favorite color? purple
7. Favorite time of day? (or night) 3 o'clock, am and pm
8. Describe yourself in one or two words. fire
9. What would your mother say if she heard you swearing? she would be angry
10. Would you rather sleep on a bed or a couch? couch
11. Do you have any tattoos? If so what? no but I want an Alpha and Omega on my ankle
12. Are there any lyrics you've discovered recently which perfectly apply to your life? yes, "Happy Birthday to Me" by Bright Eyes
13. Are you a songwriter? frick no but I do write poetry, does that count?
14. Have you ever played in a band? no, I'm musically uninclined
15. Who's your favorite author? Ted Dekker
16. How many books, on average, do you read a month? I don't know, 20?
17. What is your favorite book? "The Reckoning" by James Byron Huggins
18. What is your favorite quote? "Make your choice, adventurous stranger, Strike the bell and bide the danger, Or wonder, 'til it drives you mad, What would have followed if you had." -C.S. Lewis in "The Magician's Nephew"
19. Do you have any pets? If so, what and what are their names? two cats named Freckles and Phantom
20. If you could have one exotic animal for a pet what would it be? a lion
21. Have you ever done anything you regret completely? yes
22. Have you ever done anything bad but never felt bad afterwards? yes
23. Do you creep anybody on myspace? not really on myspace
24. What does your computer screensaver look like? camouflage green words that say "Broken Wings"
25. Is your hair straight or curly? wavy/curly
26. Have you ever gotten really drunk? Why or why not? no because every time I had a chance I was driving
27. What do you do when you're snowed in? read, go on the computer and make stupid quizzes
28. Have you ever been in a bus crash? no
29. Do you pick your zits? usually
30. How many days until your birthday? umm, lots
31. Where is number 31? it died when my brain stopped functioning properly
32. What are you sitting on right now? a bed
33. Why are you on the computer? because I'm so cool
34. Do you go barefoot in shoes? sometimes
35. Do you wear wristbands? one, sometimes
36. When is your birthday? December 21
37. How many close friends do you have that you'd trust with your deepest secrets? I don't know, 3
38. Would you ever kiss a stranger? depends
39. Have you ever gone into shock? I don't think so
40. Who would you most want to meet in all the world? (living or dead) Syd Barrett
41. Have you ever had a crush on someone who's dead? haha yeah
42. Should life come with background music? most definitely
43. Who is your favorite hockey team? (and if you say Habs I'll have to kill you) Boston Bruins
44. Are you a pyro? heck yes I love fire
45. What is/are your favorite movie(s)? The Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Chronicles of Narnia, Born Free
46. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? no but I'm not on the market or looking either
47. Do you like breakfast sausage? good stuff
48. Do you have ADD? slightly, some days more so than others, depends on how much sleep or sugar or caffeine I've had
49. What color is your pillow? green and stripey
50. If you could have any job what would it be? blacksmith don't laugh at me

Fire

Sometimes I am an idiot. Why do we do such stupid things when we know we ought'nt? On a somewhat different note, yesterday I said my new theory was that high school was too young to date. And then a friend said her theory was that if you really really like someone, don't fuck it up. And I think I agree with her theory more, although I am very good at it, at least in my own head. I'm starting to believe that I'm crazy...

I wrote this while listening to my new Bright Eyes CD this evening:

Years go past
In the same twelve month intervals
Knives get sharper
Ankles get sorer
But it's only a memory
You repeat yourself over and over
I'm hearing the same thing
It's all just rules to follow
Rules to break
Wondering what there is to go through
To write like that
Haunt like this
Such a thing is not never heard of
To screw this up
When the lines between right and wrong begin to blur
Knowing I want to keep this regardless
And take your advice
Don't fuck things up
Smile for the cameras
Break all the rules
Just because you told me it was wrong.

Fare thee well love

New news? Not much. Actually that's a lie. To recap:
1) Went to Waldheim for New Year's and stayed up until 5 o'clock in the morning talking. Didn't take Steph's advice and wished I had but then that would have ruined it I think so in a way I'm glad I didn't. There's still a part of me that wishes I did but whatever.
2) Didn't really make any resolutions to welcome in 2007 but I guess I did kind of just decide something. That would be that when I hang out with friends I want to do less of watching movies and more of actually hanging out, getting to know each other. Now that we have so much less time I want to start using it.
3) Cut my thumb deep and open yesterday while shopping for a jackknife. Bought the knife I opened my thumb with because we are now blood bonded and I didn't really have a choice in the matter anymore. Nice blade though.
4) Got a pair of Rankins tickets for Christmas, decided I am absolutely in love with Celtic music and I am pumped for the concert.