Como aguja en un pajar

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to offer? Like everyone around you has a place and fits in it, and you don't? Like the majority of the people around you understand where they're going and what they're doing, and you have no idea? But generally no one says this except to their closest friends, because appearing lost and confused is not appropriate in our social circles. This feels especially clear to me sometimes because my brother, and a good many of my friends, are very good at obvious things, such as sports or music or drama. I have no great talent in any "showy" categories. Sometimes I feel as though I have no real talents at all, but then I remember that just because they're hidden, because you can't get up on stage at a talent night and do something, doesn't mean that you don't have talents. And sometimes that is comforting. Other times, I realize it, but it is still frustrating. There are still days I wish I were someone else. There are other days I would not trade my life for anyone's. We are all original. And everyone has talents. Though some days it would be nice to be able to show them.

And now for something completely irrelevant: People should not name their children other people's last names, no matter how much you like the person. Children should have names, not two surnames and no first name. Please, try to be original some other way. No one is ever going to know if their first name is their last name or their first name.

Insomnia

In other words, I can't sleep. So I write.

 

 

The underground

Is harder to find

Than, say, my heart.

You know I miss you

You know I care

You know how far apart

We are.

But I have lost my ideals

To find my way home.

You know the colors well

What should and shouldn't be

Has been swallowed by the sea

Lost to me forever.

Why do we ask

When there is no answer?

And what are we missing

To wait this long

When everything is hazy at best

And all we have left is our name.

Baby steps

It's interesting to me how God, when He leads, never shows me more than the next step, and sometimes not even that until I'm already into it. It is a lesson in faith, in trusting that He knows where He is leading, even when I do not. To give a recent example: before I went to Mexico, I did not have any idea what would be happening afterwards. None. In about May I applied to work a week at camp, because I felt God telling me to. That was the last week of July, and I knew that I wanted to take July off anyway to readjust to life here. And so because it was impractical to look for a job for three weeks, my parents, whom I am living with, were okay with this idea. So coming home I still had no idea what I was doing, though I knew I needed a job. Then during TREK debrief, God told me to apply to work at a flour mill in Saskatoon. So I didn't really look very hard for a job my first few weeks of July, and after working at camp I had an interview at this mill. My dad told me I ought to go put out my resume in other places, just in case I didn't get it, but I said no because I was fairly confident I was going to. And I found out yesterday that I did get it. And so God has once again shown me the next step in my life, right before it was time for it to happen. The part that to me is funny is that this job is only until Christmas. After that I have to look again. But I feel that when the time comes, God will show me the next step. He has never yet left me hanging. He just answers things in His own way, in His own time. And I see no reason to panic, when I know what I am supposed to be doing the next five months. Why plan years in advance? "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"