Redemption comes in strange places

4 things I learned:
1) Calves are stupid.
2) I'm really tired of waiting.
3) Boys are curious, in every sense of the term.
4) Redemption comes in strange places.

I need a fix in those heroin eyes

(zu meine oma)
When your only friends are hotel rooms
hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight
These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating
leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?
Who's going to call on Sunday morning?
Who's going to drive you home?
I just want one more chance
to put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes
bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends
August evenings bring solemn warnings
to remember to kiss
the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
So laugh, love, live free and sing
When life is in discord, "Praise ye the Lord"

That's called 'Paperthin hymn' by Anberlin. Here is an explanation of why fire trucks are red.
There are 4 wheels and 8 men on a fire truck.
4+8=12
There are 12 inches in a ruler.
Queen Elizabeth is a ruler.
The Queen Elizabeth was a ship.
Ships sail on the sea.
The sea has fish.
Fish have fins.
The Finns are always fighting the Russians.
The Russians are known as 'red'.
Fire trucks are always rushin', and that's why they're red.

So many ways to cry...

This ache in my heart that says I miss you, I want you
This frustration with stubbornness
This exhaustion from lack of sleep
This joy of knowing we won
This hurt, the regret that you're gone
This confused emptiness I don't understand
This empathy
This delight, the knowledge that this is beautiful
This pain of breaking
This sorrow

And what do I do?
I bottle myself up and cry into my pillow at night
I don't understand why I feel this way
It doesn't feel like Christmas...

Surreality

This poem is called "Impatience" and it's not very good, but it gets across how I feel.

"Impatience"

I still want you here
Even though I know
You'd never have me
I want you to hold my hand
And tell me it'll be alright
Hold me close when I'm scared
And try to banish my insecurities
Love me beyond my faults
I still miss you
Even though I don't know (you anymore)
I'm really tired of waiting
But I can't make the first move
-I don't want to ruin this again-
I still want to share with you
Myself
But even as I pour out on the ground
The tide comes and washes it away
And still I wait

My mind understands what my heart cannot

Why does no one cheer for the Boston Bruins?!?!?! They are fricking awesome!
What are 3 words or phrases that describe you?

Christmas holidays have officially started today, and I have to say, I'm already excited for school to start again. It's not just me being a keener, either. I honestly prefer school to holidays. The only good "holiday" is summer, because I'm usually around people then, at camp, in the orchard, etc. I'm not alone. I've been in a funny mood all afternoon. I want it to snow. I want cold. I like cold. And wind. It covers you. I'll wax poetic on you if I'm not careful. Sorry. This afternoon, I realized that I can't begrudge people their choices when I have no power over it. It's not fair. And if you know what the title of this post means, don't say anything, cause I don't want the whole world to know, but it has to do with me realizing I can't hold on to shadows forever. No matter what my heart says, there has to be some point where I let go and forget. Some things are too far in the past to be logical anymore. I honestly don't know what to do because I've tried multiple times to let go and yet this still simmers on the back burner of my mind.

Sweet sixteen...

...and never been kissed. (And happy that way!)

Ha. I can now get my driver's licence. Today's the first day of winter, the shortest day of the year. Hoorah.

Slow dancing to fast music

You ever get that feeling, where when you look back at something, it seems to have come and gone so quickly, but you recall the many days of waiting where it seemed like it would never get here? Yes. 5 days until Christmas and tomorrow's my birthday. And I'm realizing, what's so important about one birthday, or one Christmas? Sure, it's exciting now, but our toys will break, our new clothes will wear out, and in January we'll all be just as tired and grumpy as we were in November. But there is something different about now, just as there is something different about this year. Time flies when you're living, but I suppose in death, time stands still out of necessity. Sometimes I wish that things meant more than they do.

The Laughter and the Tears

Is it wrong to be excited for something that is amazing and miraculous, and yet conceived in sin? To be happy? To love? Is it bad to pray for the person you have a crush on? To want them to be okay? Is it possible to be speechless and yet exploding with words that come rushing out in torrents? Can you cry and laugh at the same time? Can you love without regret? Can you love without pain? Is it wrong to lie to protect yourself? Is it wrong to love wholeheartedly and happily, the outcome of a sin? Is breaking the Law wrong, if the outcome is more beautiful than you can imagine?

Picture you smiling, then picture you leaving

In a dream I spent the day with you in a carriage built by blood. The clouds were singing songs of fear and loss; and they cut me down to size. And they cut me down to size. Broken wings have a home tonight. No one is listening, no one is listening. When darkness fell on the streets last night, we never expected, we never expected this. In a perfect world, I'd never know your name, and do we even know it when we die? Or will death just pass us by? Will death just pass us by? Please just pass us by. Broken wings have a home tonight. No one is listening, no one is listening. When darkness fell on the streets last night, we never expected, we never expected this. When all this pain is justified, while all the time is passing by. Now is when we clench our fists knowing we can fight through this. The hours and days are gone. The weeks and months are moving on. Can't they see that nothing's gonna stop us now? Broken wings have a home tonight. No one is listening, no one is listening. When darkness fell on the streets last night,we never expected, we never expected this.


Describe yourself in 3 words or phrases. If there are more than 3 pick the best 3.


"Why do you do like you do?"
"Wh- oh yes, you mean why do I pretend? Well it's very simple. Some folks don't- like the way I live. Now I could say the hell with 'em, I don't care if they don't like it. I do say I don't care if they don't like it, right enough- but I don't say the hell with 'em, see?"
"No sir."
"I try to give 'em a reason, you see. It helps folks if they can latch onto a reason. When I come to town, which is seldom, if I weave a little and drink out of this sack, folks can say he's in the clutches of whiskey- that's why he won't change his ways. He can't help himself, that's why he lives the way he does."
"That ain't honest, making yourself out badder'n you are already-"
"It ain't honest but it's mighty helpful to folks. Secretly, I'm not much of a drinker, but you see they could never, never understand that I live like I do because that's the way I want to live."

Angel of Music, you deceived me

I know this post is belated, but The Phantom of the Op'ry is over! 'Twas much fun, however, I am glad that it is over.
I have decided to write another story. I am working on it, but I know for sure I have 12 characters. These are their names. Tell me if they sound really fake. (*Note: There is no relation at all to any real people- I just stole their names.*)

Nathan Peter O'Connor

Nicholas Jeremiah Schmidt

David Tyson Finch

Braden Seth Braun

Brennen James Schultz

Dallas Jesse Brady

Kari Amanda Friesen

Jade Rebekah Taylor

Christine Riley Block

Jessica Brooke Loewen

Teri Robyn Fletcher

Charis Stephanie Wolf

S'almost my birthday! Hooray!

Quote of the day: *old man leans over to Steph* "Rumplestiltskin"

Get out of my library!

I hate it when there're lots of people in the library. It makes it hard to concentrate. But anyway, that wasn't the point. Should the death penalty be legalized? I just had a short conversation on that. If someone raped and murdered your 12-year-old sister, would you want him dead? Would you forgive him? If you were a judge, could you condemn someone to death? If they were guilty beyond a shadow of a doubt of some horrendous rape or murder, could you kill them? It's legal in the States, why not here? If they went to jail for 20 years then got out, and reoffended, wouldn't it be better if they were dead? They couldn't hurt anyone else. Is that fair justice? Is it fair to the person who did it? Is it fair to the family who lost their sister and daughter and friend? Is it fair? Is life fair? Should the death penalty be legalized? I think so.

Cat eyes

Einsam und frustrieren.
I'm wearing makeup right now. Shocked? I'll tell you something that'll shock you even more. I like it. Not the kind of makeup you put on everyday, but a little bit from drama experimentation. The nice thing about this is, when I'm wearing this, I'm not me. I'm taking a break from my life. I can step out of my regular self and be someone else. I'm listening to Bright Eyes. I need to talk to someone. I need to put it all on the table, to talk until I run out of words, while someone just listens. And tries to help me. Any volunteers? I didn't think so. I'm fricking frustrated right now. I'm never home, except to shower and sleep. And right now to do my German. Which I don't understand. I know all the words but the fricking dative case and accusatory case and nominative case are entirely too confusing. I don't even understand the difference in Englisch, how the heck am I supposed to tell which is which in Deutsch? So if anybody who reads this can speak German and wants to give me some tutoring lessons in Deutsch, please please call me before Sunday, or very shortly after. My procrastination at it again. Warum einsam, you ask? Because I'm alone in a crowd, forgotten, I'm not there but no one notices and no one cares. You're asking me to choose between two of the only things that make me happy, while I'm incapable of the third and fourth things and the fifth and final thing is drowned by the first two. So I get one out of five. What's the probability of that? Ich vermisse du. Give me your address, I'm writing letters. I swear you'll get one. I'm so cold inside. Kalt; seltsam; einsam; neugierig. If you're asked to fight a war that's over nothing, it's best to join the side that's gonna win, and no one's sure how all of this got started, but we're gonna make them goddamn sure how it's gonna end. Am I scaring you?