Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God

There are days I am excited to die.
I made the mistake of mentioning this at work today. The girls called me a freak. Again. One pointed out that suicide is wrong, and wishing for it is not any better. I said I wasn't interested in killing myself. That desire has been gone from me for a very long time. She said wishing someone else will kill you isn't any better. I said I do not wish to be killed. I merely am excited to die. Sometimes. It is completely different. They did not understand.
It is not death itself I yearn for, it is being complete. Being with God. Belonging somewhere, at long last, in awe of my Creator for eternity. It is this aspect of death I desire. Freedom from the relentless endless struggle of following Christ, for it is far more difficult now than ever before to do the things I wish to do, and what I do not want to do, I do, while that I long to do I cannot. Therein lies the wondrous grace of God. It is hard to live like I ought, with these strong desires raging inside me, and this tendency to addiction I fight every day, knowing that I shouldn't be doing something even as I do it. The desire to forget is powerful. Death would finally defeat it. I'm not in a hurry to die, for I want to live my earthly life out first, I want to love and be loved, to marry and have children, to be passionate about God with everything I have and am. It is like CS Lewis said at the end of The Last Battle, "Term is over, the holidays have begun. The dream is ended, it is morning." I look forward to death as one would look forward to a holiday at the seaside, except that it is endless and each day more wondrous than the last. Why does this yearning for heaven brand me a freak? Lewis also said something about "since there is nothing to fill our desires in this world, obviously we were made for another world." Longing for another world, a true home and belonging, does in no way diminish the passion I have for this life, for this love. Maybe making it "easier" is not the right reason to desire an end to this life, but I also would wish to understand better the awesome glory of God. I do not understand it at all. I do not praise Him enough. I do not love Him like I ought. Giving all to Him is such a struggle. It should not be, but I am earthly still, and it is. Meeting my Maker and hearing Him say, "Well done, my child" is something we should all yearn for. "My child"!! What powerful words.
Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

You make it look so easy

Apparently it is abnormal to carry on conversations with the radio, one's cat, or oneself. Also, most people do not comment on seemingly obvious things, like the fact that it is raining or that the sky is very blue and the grass very green. I wish they would have told me these things years ago. It might have saved much trouble. However, I no longer mind being thought of as simple, or slightly stupid. I am older now, and set in my ways. There's nothing wrong with being considered crazy.