Playing devil's advocate

They want me to be like them
but I can't afford it
and I've forgotten how
But I would give myself to you
if you would show me how
and help me sleep at night
I would be vulnerable for you
the days I forget to remember
not to be
Of all the nights to lie awake
it sucks to lie alone
when to give up would mean I am like them
I've forgotten not to be

Call this living

Blessings come in strange ways.
In a way I'm running and in a way I have stopped running. Can I finally face my demons?
What am I running from?
The things I regret
The things I should regret and don't
The things I've done that I'm ashamed of
The things I've done I should be ashamed of and am not
The things I want to forget and can't
The things I don't want to remember
The people I should forgive and can't
The people that have hurt me
The people that I want to care about me and don't seem to
The people I care too much about
The places I want to be
The emotions I don't want to have
The fact that I don't understand normal people
The fact that I don't understand myself
The fact that I don't know how to handle things
The fact that I think I'm in love

We go hand in hand

I'm contemplating how I would explain my desire to be a normal person, in case someone ever asks.
To fit in without giving up the thing that makes me me.
To follow the trends without wondering where they are taking me.
To feel like I belong somewhere in a people sense of the where.
To be able to look past the pain instead of being distracted by it and wanting to help it.
To understand why people "need" cellular telephones and little blue cards that let them spend more money.
To ignore the savage beauty of the city.
To speak in words normal people use, instead of long unknown ones and abstract ones.
To have lost the childlike simplicity I somehow managed to keep.
To not see the "obvious" as something fascinating.

Of course, I don't actually want to lose what I am, but sometimes I wish I could understand the way other people think. Sometimes I wish I was normal, but the wish doesn't go deep. Otherwise I would be a clone and I wouldn't understand the loneliness of the hills and the savage beauty of the city, the brilliance of the sunset and the beauty of Tristan, the pain in the commercialism and the hopelessness of the materialism.
How did I avoid becoming a brand name facebook picture?

Let it rain, let the fire fall

I think I want another tattoo. Or two. This summer maybe? We'll see. Perhaps in the line of work I want to get into tattoos will be more an asset than a liability. They are good conversation starters, especially when they mean something. And I'm okay with that. Apparently inner city volunteering only exists on Thursdays in this town. That's okay. I'm stoked for helping out at the JLYS in two weeks. I'm also excited for what we're planning next week. My faith is becoming my own, but it is so much harder to live out than it is to say that I follow Christ. I guess that's called growing up. When God is the one thing I cling to because everything else is fallible. When without Christ I'd be dead already. When faith is slowly fighting to become the most important thing in my life. But dang it's hard. They say it's worth it though, and boy it is. I'm more than my Mennonite town made me. And I don't think I can go back anymore. But maybe we never could. Maybe that's the purpose of the thunderstorm.

No fixed address

I'm ready to be done work already. I'm ready to go home. The thing is, I am home. I have no doubt that this is where I am supposed to be. Enough things have happened to erase any questions in my mind. Either this is it or God is working through it anyway, in which case, this is it. I look forward to going to church here. I feel included in the church here. Unlike at home. I did not belong to that church. Maybe that was my own fault. But it's nice to be able to start over, in a place where I don't have a past and no one has any reason to ignore me yet. The pastors here have not betrayed me yet. Although I don't really know them and they don't really know me, so they really can't. Maybe I'm running from traditional church. Maybe traditional church is upside down anyway. Maybe relationship is more important. Maybe it's actually all about Jesus Christ, and knowing him. Maybe it's about relationship. Maybe the traditional ritualistic compartmentalized institution we call church has it confused. Maybe it's not all about the money and more about the trust. I'm ready to let go. I think. Either way, living here is the right place to be, and maybe I'll come out of this understanding more and knowing less.

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
(Lifehouse)