My lungs have failed

Oh, yes. We had a dance at school today. And I wasn't asked to dance at all. again. But that's really okay. Just know, if anyone out there is a guy who cares, or knows a guy that cares, I would love to be asked to dance. But I don't think that there are any who would like to dance with me. Oh well. I guess I'll just wait. On a more serious note...

I had a conversation last night with a friend of mine. About love. How love for people fills you up and overflows out of you, God's love. I don't think its possible to have that kind of love on your own. But I realized something. These people I see everyday, the people in my class at school, and others- I think I would die for them. I cannot say for sure, having never been given the opportunity, but I THINK I would die for these people. If it came to that, if it was them or me, I think I could. I think I understand now. People need to be loved unconditionally. They need something humans are incapable o giving. We could try, but God is the only one who can actually do it. But it's been weird - and here I'm going to cry - but I can feel love for people I hate. There are people who I find it hard to love. That's what I'm learning right now. Love. So know, if you are reading this right now, I love you, no matter who you are or what you've done. If you've never met me in your life, then it's kinda creepy that you're reading this, but that's okay. You don't have to love me back, that's okay too. But for anybody who's reading this, know that I love you. Unconditionally. Forever.

Warum

Fur Lance. Ich hass Wochenende weil ich bin einsam. Wahrend Wochenendemeine Freundes vergessen mich. Abgesehen von zwei; sie kennen wer sie sind. Und sie sind nicht du. Ich liebe du jedenfalls, Freund.

Ich liebe und ich hass

Funny how it is- you can love someone and hate them at the same time. There’ve been people in my life where I thought we were friends and then BOOM! Something happens and they hurt you so bad that you can’t go back to how it was before. Even if you tried to, and forgave them and asked them to forgive you for being mad at them. And you never find out why they did what they did. So I don’t know what I’m expecting from this, I want to be friends but I don’t know how.

A thing I’ve learnt lately is blessing come in small packages. Rainbows. Full moons. Orion coming out. Bobcat lights in the fog. Every morning I wake up to go to work at 4, God sends me some sort of small present, like huge northern lights or a really pretty starry sky. Sometimes its even something in the barn, like two cats sitting curled together or a newborn calf. I think that people who never wake up at 4 am miss a lot of beautiful things. Sunrises streaking the eastern sky. The lights of a sleeping Dalmeny spread across the land for anybody to see, if only they would look.

I’m really excited for basketball to start. I want to have tournaments and over night tournaments and practices and games and memories. It’s the memories that make it. And not always the memories of playing either. Sometimes its sitting on the bench watching. Or going for lunch as a team. Or Lacey dancing in Willie’s huge jacket. The things that make life are your memories.

I woke up this morning with a lyric running through my head. “I realized I need you, and I was wondering if I could come home.”

Open Windows in Winter

Eating crabapples lying here in the dark
Christmas lights cast eerie shadows across my skin
Music in the background haunting my already troubled dreams
Open windows in winter
The cold in here is stifling
You can sit, stay, talk
In the end we’ll listen to each other
While around our feet phantoms dance in shadow

The hour grows late, the clock seems to stop
Neither of us wish to close this window
The cold swirls around us
We can’t break this spell
The lights are flickering out, dying
The darker it gets the more open this window slides
Background music echoing the pain you already feel
This table covered in the things you hate

Morning comes softly, to find
Us still together in the darkness of this room
Windows wide open in winter
Curled together for relief
From this painful cold, this aching heart
Neither of us knows what to say anymore, still reeling from this
This night of listening, to your heartbeat
And this exhilaration of opening windows in winter

Kay Sera Sera

What will be, will be. There's not much you can do to change the world. But you can change yourself.

Thousand Foot Krutch

Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath
The undertow creeps in slow
Everyone owns a gun deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
Drop the switch, scratch the itch, watch it grow
Inch by inch, the cutting board, watch it swing to and frau
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Wash it off, take the loss, let it go
Take it in, drink it up, we can just take it slow
Everyone carries one deep inside
It's just a matter of how much you let it slide
Help me help you they wont be there
Help me help you they won't see
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts when you're lonely
And I'm standing right beside you there
And it hurt when you told me
That you told me that you tried this on your own
Hope you never hurt
Hope you never cry
Hope you never lose your way tonight
Hope you never crumble
Hope you never fall
Hope you never throw away the
Drop the ball, watch it fall far below
Suck you in, hold your breath, watch it swing
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
It hurts when you need me
And I can't break your fall
It hurts when you can't see
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts
And it hurts

Innocence

Sorry for repeating myself but this has really been on my mind a lot lately. I was talking to a friend of mine who shall remain nameless and she said that she wasn't innocent, meaning, I think, that she has had sex. Well, this got me thinking. How am I any more innocent than she is?
I have never had sex, but I have lusted.
I have never murdered, but I have hated.
I have never stolen, but I have coveted.
And on and on and on.
I'm just as guilty of everything as my friend is, as Karla Holmolka is, as a kleptomaniac is.
This doesn't mean that I can go and start doing these things, because I'm already guilty, but that I have done them.
I think the only difference is that I am forgiven for doing them. Still, not innocent, mind you. Just forgiven. And the strange thing about forgiveness is that anybody can be forgiven, they just have to ask. Even the worst mass murderer in history. Even a prostitute. Even Hitler and the Nazis. Even Stalin. Even Jeffery Dahmer, who killed little boys in the States. On death row, he became a Christian.
So though I am as guilty as Jeffery Dahmer or Karla Holmolka, I am also as forgiven as they are, or could be.

painting pictures bleeding colors

I was searching for lyrics to a TFK song but I found these instead, interestingly enough. They're all written by a guy named Roine Stolte for a band called The Rainmaker. I think the band's German.

Last Minute On Earth

Last minute on earth
what would you do, who would you call?
Your mobile is down,
who will write the history of that final day?
That last minute on earth
one minute alone, lost word or cause
for one who had everything,
now unfold this scary beautiful end
Last minute on earth
saving your last famous words
maybe just whistle a tune on a plain bird of clay
Last minute on earth
fractions of time is all that is left
You used to kill time,
now it's time who's killing you, they've closed the store
Last minute on earth
waiting to fly like pigs in the dirt
gold 'round your neck,
but your wings are broken, bent & burnt they say
Last minute alive
check your account, to buy a way out
beating the clock,
but you cannot beat the feeling of being alive!!!
Last minute on earth
saving your last famous words
maybe just whistle a tune on a plain bird of clay
Last minute on earth, in the rapids of time
A story on wheels without rhythm (or rhyme)
Racing the memory lane, high and low
You own the world but got nowhere else to go
Last fraction of hope, a flickering light
Voices so clear step out of the night
...go talk to your God instead of talk to yourself
Look into the light if you're looking for help!!!

World Without A Heart

When you turn away and lock all your doors
When it's getting out of hand, how am I to understand
And then you may think there's no turning back
Running low on self esteem
falling back into your dream
There's this endless hole in the wishing well
Wish you were somebody else
but too afraid to ask for help
Would you play a part in the scheme of things
And I will depend on you, if you show me how to do
We are the troopers, pick up the losers
and turn into a better day
Pick up the sceptics, the non believers
and turn into a brighter day
And the winner smiles and she takes it all
And you are lonely and afraid,
but she doesn't look your way
And they know the drill, taking you apart
And the world that you have known
is a world without a heart
We are the troopers, pick up the losers
and turn into a better day
Pick up the sceptics, the non believers
and turn into a brighter day
Who can tell the price of learning,
steppin out and turn the key
slow and steady fire burning,
feeding on it's self esteem.
We are the troopers, pick up the losers
and turn into a better day
Pick up the sceptics, the non believers
and turn into a brighter day

Serious Dreamers

Left at the roadside with this rapidly burning map
like a magician with no rabbits in his hat
Line up the measures to fulfill your brothers dreams
across the land we pay in sweat, keepin' up the steam
Now you tell me that you can't afford the dreaming
but I know it's just a lie!
Serious dreamers always can afford the dreaming
and you know we're aiming high
Put on your makeup, put on your dancing shoes
into the wasteland we've all seen you
dance away the blues
No time for introversions no more time to play
Serious distractions always seem to come your way
Now you tell me that you can't afford the dreaming
but I know it's just a lie!
Serious dreamers always can afford the dreaming
and you know we're aiming high
From the nest we descend in a mist,
all like birds on thin ice
From the kingdoms of childhood we dream on
and turn to the wise
And the code that was written in blood & flesh
in an ancient time
From the kingdom of heaven
the ships of dreams were sent to enlighten YOU.
Playground Pirates gaze at the Sun
far out sisters and flying Nun
Poor Picasso gaze at the art
Ahead of time means a Lonely heart
War is over, boys are home
move into the friendly zone
Dream at Diners, dying slowly
where hungry hearts grows cold and lonely
From the nest we descend in a mist,
all like birds on thin ice
From the kingdoms of childhood we dream on
and turn to the wise
And the code that was written in blood & flesh
in an ancient time
From the kingdom of heaven
the ships of dreams were sent to enlighten YOU.

I've been thinking

I don't know what I want to do after I graduate. I really don't. I know its too early for me to be thinking about this but its been bothering me. I used to think I'd like to be a nuclear physicist, which I'd still like to do, but I don't want to have to study other physics things before I get to nuclear science. I just want to go straight there. Or I'd like to be a vet but that costs an awful lot of money and you have to go to school for a long time. I could take it though. But what I'd really like to do is be an author. You don't have to go to school at all for that. It might be hard to get published or make any money at all even, but thats not what I'm worried about. I love to write. Tis a dying art, with less and less people reading books and more and more watching TV and spending too much time in the electronic world, but someone's gotta keep it alive. And there are still plenty of people who like to read. I don't want to go to university. I would like to go to Bible School, and maybe go on missions trips or something, but I don't think I would like university. High School sucks all the creative juices out of you, how much more so would college? What do you guys think? I'd also like to be a mother. I suppose I want what every girl wants- to find "the perfect guy" and get married, settle down and raise a family. But I want to travel too. I don't know. I suppose I shouldn't think so much. Another thing I've been thinking about is growing up. When did we get so old? The things we talk about, the implications everything has now, the 'maturity level' we have now. I want to go back to times when I was happy, making magic potions in the sandbox, playing fox and goose, not caring about how I looked at all. I want to be innocent again.

You know you're from a small town in Saskatchewan when...

- it is quite common for people on horseback or for horses and buggies to travel around town and no one cares
- it is impossible for you to go for a walk without seeing someone you know
- people stop to talk in the middle of the road and no one cares
- when you go for a walk, you not only are greeted by every person you pass, half of them also inquire into the state of health of your grandparents
- if you meet someone that doesn’t recognize you, tell them your parents’ names and they will immediately exclaim how much you’ve grown
- you don’t need to tell the bank teller your number- they know your name
- it is not unheard of and is actually quite common to pay for things with fruit (saskatoonberries)
- there’s no such thing as a stray dog- they either belong to everyone or are allowed to roam freely; again, no one cares
- both your parents’ grad pictures are on the walls at the school
- people bale downtown
- you know exactly where everyone lives
- you can see the horizon by looking down the street
- to find out the latest news, you go to the sole coffeeshop in town at 6AM and talk to the farmers
- all the boys and half the girls are pulled out of school during harvest to help drive truck
- by grade 7 half your class has been driving for at least a year
- you walk into your neighbor’s house without knocking to borrow a cup of sugar because you ran out
- it is easy to tell when someone dies because downtown is never so full as when there is a funeral
- no one locks their doors
- everyone can predict the weather more accurately then the weatherman by looking at the sky
- dugouts make fine skating rinks
- if you can’t play hockey, there is only one other thing to do in winter- watch hockey
- people who go to university are either talked about proudly or shunned
- the blacksmith is still in business, as is the baker, the butcher, and the livery man
- if you move in, you are still regarded as “the new kid” until there is another new kid or sufficient time (excess of 3 years) has passed
- you sit on the grass in front of the post office to eat your ice cream
- 40 below doesn’t faze you
- the main course at the town fall supper is the deer Mr. Brown shot
- old people you don’t know come say hi to you at church, and they explain that they are the second wife of your great-uncle twice removed and the last time they saw you was at a family gathering six years ago
- you actually understand this and remember them
- babysitting is free, and all the neighbors take turns
- partyline is still used to its fullest extent
- going for coffee with someone of the opposite sex is considered a “date”
- ¾ of the town is Mennonite
- if you can’t climb a tree, you are shunned
- people walk through town singing at 2AM and they’re not drunk
- if you don’t know what a combine is, you are laughed at incredulously
- TV is frowned upon
everyone walks everywhere

Emo boys are hot

I went to the concert tonight at West Portal. Twas quite fun. The bands there were Whittaker, which weren’t my favorite but weren’t bad, Captain, which was more of an emo band and the lead singer was hot, Silence Through Injustice, who were also quite good, The Reception, which was probably my favorite, and Means, which were pretty good but again, not my favorite. I moshed for the last song of Means, just for fun, and almost got knocked over several times. And I bought a the Reception tshirt. All in all, the concert was great fun and the bands were good. Oh, there was this contest in the middle where people put spare change in buckets in front of 3 guys from different bands and whoever had the most change in the bucket had to kiss a fish. Mind you, this fish was bought for $3 at the grocery store, it was a real fish, but dead, and the guy had to keep his lips on it for at least a count of 10. I said that although I personally would not kiss the fish, I would kiss a guy who had kissed the fish. This also depends on which guy.
Tomorrow I am going to Robyn’s house to watch Lord of the Rings. I don’t know exactly what we’ll be doing the whole time cause a bunch of people are leaving halfway through the day, but it should be fun. Anyway, I saw emo haircuts for the first time really today and some of them look quite good. Some don’t. there was a guy at the concert who had both arms covered in tattoos and his whole upper right arm was a scene from Winnie the Pooh with all the animals from it there. Twas kinda cool. And there were hot boys there. Heeheeheeheehee.

Do You Want to go for Coffee?

An endless sonnet, a perfect song
Reverbrates within my head
Endlessly

We write our poems, you read my mind
This haunting melody
Almost within reach

Waiting for forever, just to see your face
You absently strum your old guitar
Silently

My fingers bled composing this chord
Smile at this ancient harmony
Dance in the half-moonlight

This callous broke and pain runs free
No one can recall the way this used to be
Softly

I write a poem, you write the music
Sadness echoes in these blue eyes
Nothing you can do but listen

What we feel shows in this song
Drowning in our loneliness
Coldly

Maybe all we ever really need is time
To be touched, to hold hands
All I ever wanted was a hug

Unsent Letters

You know all those things you do
The little things no one seems to see
The things that mean so much to you
Well, I've seen them.
The little things you say so innocently, you think that no one hears
The things with hidden meanings, if only we would look
Well, I've heard them.
And I understand what you feel like
I've done the same things
And I know how the pain of rejection stings
I know the fear you daily live with
And though I never was new
I was always on the outside- a fact thats new only to you.
So although you'll never read this
Or take up this timeless offer,
Know that I'm still here waiting
For you to be okay.

Magnetized paper clip holders are cool

We lost Nathan and Phantom. We haven't seen them since Saturday morning. If anyone has seen them please please tell me.

On another note, I wrote a poem last night entitled Do You Want to go for Coffee?
I might post it later. I think I have a lot to say but I don't know what wants to come out so I'll just randomly type to kill time. Do you think time likes to be murdered? I wonder what it would be like to murder someone. Would you feel guilty or would you even care? I'm half done my English children's story and it's due tomorrow. I'll be up late tonight working on it. Since you all care so much about my sleeping habits. Everyone who reads my blog should comment on this post. I want to see who actually is faithful in checking up on my ramblings. My German is going down the drain this year. I want to do it but I am a procrastinator and it is getting harder and difficulter all the time to actually do things and not just say that I should do them. Anyway, I tried to post a picture on here but it didn't work so I gave up. I want to go. Away.

Steph, when do you want to have that composing thing?

It's Thanksgiving but our familys not doing anything except having supper with my grandpa tonight. I love nighttime. Has anyone seen the movie Corpse Bride? It's weird. I liked it though. And I heard the two funniest things you can say to a person. It's only funny if they react, but they are: 1) Hey, you dropped your pocket and 2) Hey, your socks are untied.
Anyway, I should probably leave you all to your wonderful long weekends and stuff, so I'll end off with this piece of advice: Always chew with your mouth full.
Happy Holidays.

2656

I had a dream last night- it involved Casey and the old rink and talking about work and dating. The point is, in my dream Casey told me that I was supposed to phone this number: 254-2656. Who's number is that?

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
I thought of something interesting this morning but now I can't remember it.
If anyone wants to go for coffee or a walk or anything this weekend, I would love to. Not doing anything but work.
*You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away.*

I am Erik

Yesterday I read The Phantom of the Opera. In honor of our play, I read all 327 pages of the real book. I cried. Funny, it's only the 2nd book I've ever cried in and it is the 2nd time I read this book, the 1st of which I did not cry. Erik, the Phantom, reminded myself of me. It's hard to explain. He was the lover of trapdoors, a genius who murdered for fun, the ugly man with the beautiful voice. He was made of death, and so people shunned him. Christine would have come back if she hadn't ripped off his mask. He lived under the Paris Opera House because if he lived in public people would kill him. But all he ever wanted was to be normal. He wanted love. He wanted friends. But he was a corpse. A brilliant corpse, but still a corpse. A twisted sick man on the brink of insanity because all he ever wanted was love and no one would give it to him. If Christine hadn't turned the scorpion, he would have turned the grasshopper. Grasshoppers jump very high. And that would mean great peril for many members of the human race. Erik didn't see himself as human. All he ever wanted was for someone to love him. He had never been kissed. Even his mother had never let him kiss her, she gave him his first mask so no one would ever see the hideousness that hid itself as the Phantom of the Opera.

Bitter Cold Fire

You did it again. My predictions are coming true. Surprise.

Mens rea - A guilty mind

What have I done? How long will this go on, and when can I rip myself away from this?

People

People are strange. You sit here and listen to people and watch people. You feel their pain from a distance or you watch them lose their temper and can't do anything to help them. I can feel people's feelings I can sense how you are. 'Tis a strange gift, and doesn't always happen. How odd. People have started to fascinate me. More and more. I saw someone today. I see them most days at school but today they looked very goodlooking, and most mornings they don't stand out. But today they did. Sending shivers down my spine as they walk past behind.

I have writer's block. I can't write. I haven't written anything in a long time thats worth reading and not for school. It hurts not to write.

Mouse eggs and warm blood

*twitch twitch twitch*

My knuckles have turned to white
There's no turning back tonight
So kiss me one last time

My mother said I was disturbed... maybe I am.
I killed a mouse today it was soft I knocked it out petted it and then stepped on its head.
Random word of the day to be said in a creepy voice: peptidoglycan

It was soft.

This could be my night this is what makes me feel alive

Can you feel your heartbeat racing? Can you taste the fear in her sweat? We've done this wrong we're too far gone These sheets tell of regret
I ADMIT THAT I'M JUST A FOOL FOR YOU
Here is where we both go wrong
Tonight's your last chance to do exactly what you want to And this could be my night This is what makes me feel alive Makes you feel alive
Here is where we both go wrong So sign me up And toss this key cause for now we're living
In this moment that we both ignore the truth It's all over I feel your heart against mine So take a breath and close your eyes
Your lungs have failed and they've both stopped breathing My heart is dead its way past beating Something has gone terribly wrong I'm scared you're scared we're scared of this I never thought we'd make it out alive I never told you but it's all in your goodbyes
Well look who's dying now slit wrists sleeping with the girl next door I always knew you were such a sucker for that It doesn't matter what you say You never mattered anyway I never mattered anyway
Don't shake I hate to see you tremble- trembling You've lost your touch haven't you? And I'm so addicted

Flufferduff Chinstrap

I got a part in The Phantom of the Op'ry. I am the girliest girl of all time. I think they did that because I was a boy in Oklahoma, and because I am, in actuality, not a girly girl. I am, if anything, a tomboy. I think the play will be amazing.

The lake is cold

I jumped in the lake. Sometimes you have to take a chance and do something without thinking about it. If you think about it you'll lose your chance.

I learned a lot about love this weekend. And this weekend I learned a lot about love.