Could I get you off my mind, this time?

When asking where God is in all this, one is left with one of two conclusions. Either He is not here at all or else He is very much here, in every part of this. I opt for the second one. If the first were true, life would be absolutely hopeless and I would kill myself. I have to believe that He is here, He is sovereign, He loves me, and He has a plan. Otherwise where would I be? Dead, probably, or else so screwed up I might as well be. I am never so sure God exists as when I struggle with these impossibilities. With the fact that my faith is a paradox. That I could not live without it.
Jenni and I have lots of good conversations. We had one the other night and in it she said something that I have been thinking over. When Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden, one of the things God cursed Eve with was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. How does this relate to me? Well, I find that it is very hard to put God ahead of a boy in my life. We're not married (obviously), we're not even dating. I merely like this boy. And I have such a hard time putting God first. I'm working on it, I pray about it a lot. But it is very frustrating. Why should I care so much about this boy? He did not create me. He does not love me unconditionally and forever, so much that he would die to save my soul. Why do I focus on the wrong things? Why is so hard to focus on the right ones, the ones I know are true? Why can I feel like I'm in love with a boy and not feel like I'm in love with God? I want it the other way around, but I don't know how to get there.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I'm excited to die. Not now. Don't worry. I wouldn't do anything to speed the process along. But Heaven will be wonderful, and I can't wait to get there. I want to see people again. And [almost] everyone will be there. This is where it becomes imperative for me to share my faith. In order for people to be there, they have to follow Christ. It's kind of the main point of life. Although back to the point, death would be easier. Because then I don't have to try so hard to live for God and fail all the time. Grace and forgiveness are awesome things. Without them I would be screwed over. But it would be so much easier to not have to try all the time to live my love for God, when I struggle with knowing that love. It's this sense of helplessness, that all I can do is depend on Him because I cannot do it alone.
I guess that's where I'm at. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

Tell me in my dreams

I'm procrastinating doing homework right now... I thought of something I wanted to say on here the other day and I didn't right it down so now I've forgotten what it was. I got an email today from someone who worked at camp with me two years ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. It was a mass email telling me that unless I sent it on I would poop my pants often until I did so. I didn't send it on. I deleted it instead. I also keep getting update emails from some guy I've never heard of. I don't open those ones. I delete them.
I've been looking at the sky a lot lately. It's very big. It's very beautiful. It's very lonely and sad in a hauntingly beautiful sort of way.
Knowing what I am [God willing] going to do this summer is nice. It's weird to know that I'm not going back to camp ever. I mean, I love camp. It was my favorite place in the world for a long time, but that time has ended. The places I'm called to are not camp. It's strange to realize that yes, lots of my friends are going to be at Redberry this summer, and I will be somewhere else entirely. No visits this summer. As much as I love it, that chapter has ended. Everywhere I ever thought I wanted to live turned out to be the opposite of what the deeper part of me wants. All the things I loved I still love, yet I know there are things I love more. And God is gracious. It's funny, I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and I have no idea how that will turn out or where I'll end up. Not a clue. It's better this way. I have no choice but to go where He sends me. He's faithful. Even when I'm an idiot, He's faithful. How did I end up serving the one true God, when the chances of me even existing are less than infinitesmial, and yet obviously I do exist? Why does He love me so much? Why do I have so much trouble with everything? To be where I want to be, I have to give up so much. If I give it to You, will You give it back? I know the answer, yet it's still so hard.