Test 1 2 3

Grad was good. Sad, but good. School next year is going to be so very different. Aftergrad was vaguely surreal, fun, but boring at the same time. After aftergrad was fun, for the time I was there, but I had to be home by 1:30 so I guess I missed much of it. I enjoyed what I was there for though. If I hadn't been driving...

Anyway, I'm leaving for Philadelphia tomorrow, so I'll see all of you on the 12th when we get back. I love you all. Have a great summer.

I found a liquid cure

I butchered a cow the other day, actually, I was helping Brynn and Stefan. 'Twas very interesting. I had fun. I'd never butchered anything before. Skinning it was probably the best part, as long as it took. Cutting down through all the fat, pulling on the leather hide. I'd do it again, any day. Even with the blood still pouring out of its neck. And the stomachs felt like rubber balls, except oh so fragile and strange. I'd never seen a stomach before. Or really, any of those multiple organs we pulled out. I didn't get to see the brain though. We tried but Stefan finally said it was a waste of time to cut the head open just so I could see a brain. We played with some nice knives though. And shot a blackbird, proving that Stefan does have good aim, although I still think he should've shot the seagull instead.

Good luck.

I lied

Its so hard to try to put into words what I want to say. A part of me wants to forgive you, but I just want to forget you. I hope you get better and I hope you never do. So in the end I really don't know what to say or do.

Boys are stupid... throw rocks at them

"It's the part of me you never see, with a black dress, innocence, dark skin and darker dreams."

Quit telling me what I am and what I'll like. You don't even know me. You never tried to know me, so there's nowhere for you to prove me wrong. What you see is only half of who I am. You'll never see the other half because you never look. And I really can't trust you because you never gave me reason to. I can see things too, you know, and sometimes I see more than you think. And I still know everything, my friend.

Sleeping through church

So it rained all weekend. The rain kind of reflects my mood. It makes me want to write poetry and be wet. It makes me want to curl up in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate and a [boy] friend. It makes me want to dance, or do crazy things that defy normalcy. Rain makes life interesting. As does music. There's emotions dancing in my soul that I haven't felt in a long time, that I don't want to feel. Some things people say they have no right to say, because I never shared all my secrets. You never knew the whole story, so you really can't say my motives. And some people are too stubborn to see past their own barriers, the ones that are only in their mind. I'm tired. I don't want to think anymore. I just want to be. I want to dance, I want to laugh. I want all my worries and my jealousy to go away. I need to get out.
On another note, Bright Eyes was bloody amazing. That is about all I have to say on that subject, except now I have a minor unfortunate obsession with Conor Oberst. Oh well, it will wear off soon. "This is a song about being somewhere you're out of place. Like... flamingos... in West Edmonton Mall. Or... a pirate ship... in West Edmonton Mall. Or... me... walking around in West Edmonton Mall."
I have found my goal in life: to disprove what everyone else wants me to be. I'm tired of people [teachers] telling me to be a writer. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WRITER!!! Frick. I want to maybe get into med school, either med or vet med. Or maybe I don't want to go to university at all. Perhaps I will go to Bible school and then be a housewife the rest of my life. What would everyone say to that, eh? Perhaps I will live on the street. I don't want to do what everyone expects me to do. I just want to be me. Why is that so hard?

It isn't what they want us to be...

I am neither black nor white. I am colorless and yet all colors, all shades of gray. I am there and then I am gone. In a flash, or a poof of smoke, or simple vanishment, I am not there. I am intrinsically simple, easily complicated.
I am the underworld.
Impossible to find, I welcome you as my children. I am your safe haven. I will never betray you, for to do so would be to betray myself. Everything is more than it seems in my eyes, and if you hurt me, I will kill you. I am the master of double plays, of backstabbing. I am your home and your life.
I am your darkness.
I live underground or above it, in back rooms or on front porches. I am invisible, always watching, always waiting. I live in forests or in cities, in caves or in subway systems. I am illegal yet entirely within the law.
I am the outcasts.
The people society has no place for, I take in with open arms. I always have more room. I am there if you need me, yet I need you more. I am impossible to escape from, for I am everywhere. I protect and I nurture. I cherish and I hold. I keep and I kill.
I am a secret.
I am expensive, I am a bargain store. I am whatever you need, for a price. Untameable and uncatchable, I operate on a need-to-know basis. And this, my dear, is all you need to know:
I am you.

We began with concluding remarks

I wrote this the other day, I want to put it to music, so, if anyone out there can write music, that would be greatly appreciated. And tell me what you think, I'm curious. If you recognize what it's about, don't say. Part of it is the secrecy.

You can call me crazy, but I don't mind
You can call me whatever you want
I don't care tonight
Can't ever stop thinking of this and what might have happened between us
Dark hair between your eyes
Your voice it cries
To me, just to stay with me
Never forget
The clothing in the closet and the blanket on the floor
All we wanted was more than this
Always remember the way that it used to be
And now we're here on the couch
With a pillow in between us
Hoping to keep us apart, while we're waiting
One step down, two steps up
Don't turn around
Don't look at what you should have had
Read my definition on this empty paper
I'll rewrite who I am, and where it comes from
Chasing the shadows down to the carpet
There's no regret
'Cause the part of me you never see
Behind my glistening eyes
It's a black dress, innocence
With dark skin and darker dreams
May be more than what it seems to you.

Wildcard of a pack of wildcards

I think there is a difference between disliking what somebody does, disapproving of their actions, so to speak, and judging them. I don't think of you any different, knowing what you did, but that doesn't mean I have to like that you did it. That's not judging you. I think you have a misconception about what judging is. I think judging is me telling you that you are going to hell for doing such and such, which may be what some people do say. Disagreeing isn't judging, no matter how you put it. You can accuse me of judging you because I disagree, but that's not fair to either of us. Having absolute morals and believing your actions are outside them isn't judging you. It's simply disagreeing. I was entitles to that. But I never judged you for doing what you did. I didn't like it, yes, but I still like you, and there's a difference.