I'm such a sucker sometimes

Christmas with the family... good times, but too much food and too many people. I'm far too lazy for this exercise regime we've been given. I'll do it though - I like playing basketball. It was always the only sport I was ever half decent at. It sucks this time though because I am forced to choose between basketball and kids club. That was hard.
I'm starting to annoy myself. It happens now and again. And I'm frustrated that I am not spiritually how I want to be, but I can't seem to change that. Oh, wait, God's supposed to do it. I suck at letting Him. I don't know how this works but I want it, I want to live in the Spirit and have Him live in me so others can see. How does one accomplish living in God when one has trouble just living? Besides God, I don't know how I'm alive. How do I surrender myself completely to Him then? I feel trapped in a conundrum and I have no idea how to get out. The irony of this is that God is the only One who can get me out. Hallelujah.

Let it rain

If I knew how I would tell you something, but it is not my place to tell you. Shucks.
By the bye, your conscience is in my head, and I don't want it. You can have it back. I want to go home to school so this doesn't distract me so much. Funny, because when I was at school I was excited to come home for Christmas so the same thing wouldn't distract me there. I just can't get away from myself.
I've had a song in my head the last few days, pretty much it's singing back there ever since we were driving home from Hershey. It's by Switchfoot, and it reminds me of... stuff.

Face down with the LA curbside ending
In the ones and zeros
Downtown was the perfect place to hide
The first star that I saw last night was a headlight
of a man-made sky, but
Man-made never made our dreams collide, collide
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening
Last week saw me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky
but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And in all my life I don't know that I've ever felt so alive, alive
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my heart's still beating,
It's beating,
I'm bleeding.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving
I want to know that my heart's still beating,
Is beating,
Is beating,
It's beating,
I'm bleeding
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talk, talking in your sleep
About a dream,
We're awakening a dream,
We're awakening

Here we are now, awakening

There is one secret I've never told you. I've never even alluded to it. You'd understand why if I told you. But I never can. Sometimes it frustrates me.

I'll take my heart back

The fact that you are you frustrates me. I love it, but it is still frustrating, because you are right and I know it. I am so glad we are friends. You challenge me in my faith like no one else does, not really even anyone at school, which is where you think the challenging would happen. Don't get me wrong, it does, but one weekend with you challenged me so much. You're one of the better friends that I have and you have blessed me so much. Keep chasing your first love. He'll bless you for it.
It's good to be home. Holidays were good too. Actually, they were a huge blessing. Sometimes I'm tempted to take your advice, but then I catch myself. That would be a stupid move, especially at this point in my life. Anyway, it's not my move to make.
I enjoy horses and buggies, even though it's next to impossible to get a decent picture of them. I also enjoy the fact that they go past at 1:30 in the morning. My favorite part though was the night we went for a walk to the creek and sat on the rock. And when you played your guitar in the rain. "If all else fails then we will meet up in eternity."

I believe...

Trevor Zacharias is my baby's daddy.

Apparently some people found this offensive. I thought it was hilarious. And hey, I got a purple shirt out of it.

Dwight: "Two grand pianos?!?!"
Paul: "Well, yeah. How do you think they got puppies?"

Susan: "Are you waiting for class, or is this your harem?"

Belonging

It's been awhile. Production opening night is tonight. I have to start getting ready in half an hour. It's going to be good. I've been listening to Thrice (more specifically, the song 'Artist in the Ambulance') and Anberlin's new CD a lot lately. I'm also becoming more anti-social at times and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a little ahead in my homework. My grandpa's 90th birthday is on Monday, and so we're having a party for him Sunday afternoon that I'm going to go home for. My uncle from Ontario is coming out for it so that'll be interesting. I can't really remember when I've seen him last. Also, my grandpa is not going to renew his driver's license after this November. I feel kind of bad for him but he is getting a bit dangerous to be on the roads. My theater director is hands down absolutely brilliant and my favorite color is purple. I'm becoming okay with who I am and have come to the conclusion that I do not want a boyfriend. God is helping me with that decision. We went for a walk and hashed it out and I'm okay with it. I find that it is so much easier to focus on God when I am not interested in boys. They are less distracting when they are not here.
One final thing, there is a song God reminded me of that I haven't listened to in a long time. I like to talk to Him while I shower. Somehow it seems like a good time. This song is by MercyMe.
What is life?
A thousand roads, a thousand ways
Why am I so afraid to move?
I crossed the line
I'm stepping out so come what may
I give it all cause I'm drawn to You
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in Your love
So this is life

Here I am

I learned today what my Christmas and birthday present is. It has never been combined before, but this one is expensive. I'm quite alright with that though. It's not like I expected much for Christmas and my birthday anyways. The funny part is I still am paying for part of my present. I found that amusing. However, I am perfectly okay with that. I am super excited for December. I got airplane tickets to Philadelphia (and back). Oh BABY.
In other news, I am here at school once again. My homework level is ridiculous but I am managing it so far. I am also in Production. This year we are doing a play called A Boy and His Piano and it is going to be super good. My character is a baseball friend named Rick. Come and see... email me for details or check out the church bulletin. I can't believe I just said that. But that's probably the easiest way to find out details. This week is modular week, so we have class all day every day. It's going to be a gong show. Also, I need to go shopping for lamps and more fabric for my ceiling and a dress for the Christmas banquet. Alumni weekend was this past weekend. It was sweet to see some people that I hadn't seen in a while. One in particular. Not that anything's happening or likely to. It's in God's hands. Good thing too, because it would turn out badly if it were in mine. His plans tend to work out. That's one more thing to love.
In case anyone didn't know yet, I have another tattoo. It is the word "hope" and it is on my left wrist. I now have two tattoos on my left side and none on my right. But I am going to wait to balance it out until I am 21 because I didn't spend more than a month thinking about this second one and I don't regret it and I won't but I might if I get any more. So I shall wait a longer while.
The last thing I'll say tonight is that I now know more than ever what I want to do with my life. Street ministry. Hands down. I want to love those people so badly. Which is funny because I had never seriously thought about it before last year, and now it seems so obvious. I have so much passion for it it's ridiculous, and I can't wait to see what doors God is going to open and shove me through, not only this year but from now on in.

One more time

It's nights like tonight that I am angry you are not here. Would you be mad if I called you my day late friend?

An experiment, I guess

I wrote a poem a while back this summer as an idea project, putting myself in someone else's shoes and seeing if I could write from their perspective. I kind of like it. Notice the alliteration.
Note: for anybody prone to worrying, I do not in actuality feel this way.

To you I'm just another number
Another statistic of suicide
I'm just someone who doesn't exist
Who looked at her life and chose to die
And you would have no idea
I was the kid you sat behind in math class last year
You never learned my name
It never would've been the same
You never know what you could change
To you I'm just yesterday's sad story
Until you read the gory story in today's newspaper obituary
And realize all you could've changed

Honestly

1) I do enjoy our conversations and arguments. Why exactly you hate the world. You're a different cookie, but I like talking to you.

2) Actually, I do think you are quite good-looking.

3) You're the only person I don't regret. I'm glad we turned out like we did and that we're such good friends.

4) What the hell are you thinking? You've broken every promise you made us, and you don't seem sorry at all. I promised I wouldn't judge you for it and I'm not, but I am furious with you because I'm worried about you. You don't seem to see the consequences of what you're doing, or you don't care. You're so intent on rebelling for love that you don't see the love you're turning your back to. We've been trying to save you from yourself for years.

5) A word of advice: don't give up on us for him. Come hang out on occasion, because you're neglecting us, and I'm worried about you.

6) I was lying. It's the only thing I've ever lied to you about, but I honestly can't tell you the truth.

7) Watch yourself. When the both of us are concerned about what you're fooling around with, it's probably a good idea to listen to at least him. Seriously. He knows you better and he loves you. You're family. I know this guy better than you and you are headed for trouble if you go out with him. Trust me, this is not a good relationship to pursue farther than friendship.

8) I'm so excited for you I squealed when I read your news. I am a little jealous though.

9) I miss you and your humor and your wisdom. Why did you have to leave?

10) Despite my best efforts, I like you. Why do you have to be so far away, with so little chance of liking me back?

God, what are You doing?

Jesus' blood never failed me yet

"I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends
You know I've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while You're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep You
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover I don't understand
'cause I don't understand
love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride
love of a jealous kind"

"It's just enough to be strong in the broken places, should the world rely on faith tonight"
He loves me. HE loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. He thinks I'm beautiful, scars and all. He wants to love me. He loves me forever and ever and ever and ever. And ever. Why is this so hard to grasp? Why do I suck at loving him back?

You can see the thunder

I no longer know what day it is, but I no longer care. Thursday/Friday was a really good day for me, I was up for over 30 hours and some things happened. I got to ride a motorcycle. I got to see people I love. I got to have a sweet personal discussion with a guy from work. I got to laugh at a girl working in Safeway who didn't know what she was talking about. I can give blood after August 15th. Everything's running together. It's not fair but it's the way it should be. I don't want you to go because I love you, but we are where we're supposed to be and I can't change it. I get to go home soon.

Christmas lights in the cemetery

Last night was the best night I've had in a really long time. You have no idea what you've done for me, honestly. The silence in the graveyard was so peaceful. Until we started talking. And you're different from everyone else, because you make sense, and you don't judge me when you see my faults. If we were ever enemies I'd be screwed because you know me better than most. You know most of my secrets, but not all. Never all. It would be so easy for me to do what they all say I should, but I can't. I learned in February, and it scares me. You can never know that. Let's just spend more time in the cemetery at night.

Unsurprising but no better off

Today I spent 10 minutes pacing outside in the rain swearing at the trees. Trees don't get offended like people do. And I needed to swear at something. Because you never remember. Or else you just don't care. I'm sick of being the only one who cares. I'm sick of crying every single day, and half the nights. I'm sick of wishing you would call. Just once, can something go right? Can I get lucky? Or is it an illusion that'll come crashing down the first time I try to show you, once again, that I can't stop caring?

Encouraging

"In the girl there's a room
in the room there's a table
on the table there's a candle
and it won't burn out
In the woman there’s a song
in the song there is hope
in the hope revolution
In the boy there's a voice
in the voice there's a calling
in the call there's a promise
and it won't quiet down
In the man there's a vision
in the vision is a road
it's the road to his freedom...
Oh, tell me what you know
about God and the world and the human soul
how so much can go wrong
and still there are songs
In the man there’s a plan
in the plan is his future
and the future’s for his child
and he won’t slow down
In the girl there is faith
in the faith there’s a prayer
in the prayer there’s a promise
In the boy is a dream
in the dream he is standing
and he stands without falling
and he won't back down
In the woman is a picture
in the picture is a girl
in the girl there's a room...
In our hearts and souls
an unstoppable refrain
hope stands in defiance

this is a song about the defiance of a prayer"

Bipolar butterfly

Isn't it funny what we have become? In kindergarten, scared, getting to know each other, making friends for the first time, learning to write our numbers and letters, we didn't really think of the future. As we grew older things changed but life evened itself out soon enough. We had our friends and our lives. At the end of grade 6 we were so excited to go to the high school and leave "Diaperville" behind. We didn't understand then what we could, and would become. Through high school we grew older and learned more, but we didn't realize it at the time. Maybe you can only truly see yourself looking back. At grad, we were generally happy and pumped for the future, but we started to see some of the things that were happening. Things we never thought we would become, way back in kindergarten. Angry. Bitter. Hurt. Addicted. Torn up and put back together. Chewed up and spit out. Lovers. Haters. Dreamers. Defiant. Hopeful. Faithful. Unfaithful. Empty. Full. High. Low. Too far ahead. Left behind in the dust. Waiting. Who do we think we are? And who the heck did we think we would be? I don't think it's the same thing.

Take me

"And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"

I never knew it would be so hard. In fact, compared to now, it was easy. Why are you doing this? I don't understand. Not that I would expect to but it would be nice to see at least some sort of something proving this was the right choice. Instead, everything is telling me it's going to get harder yet. Why?

Losing control [freak]

I'm about ready to explode. Seriously, I do not belong here. Why is this so difficult? Why am I having the strangest dreams? I look like a drug addict with these holes in my arms. I wish you could stick your needle in my arms and pull out my blood, pass it around to others and let them drink this strange disease I was given as a gift. Take my heart. Take it. I'll fall in love with you and you can keep my heart. Maybe then I wouldn't feel all this that I am bound to scream for, and you can have this responsibility. How can I love them? How can I hold it all in? Why must I see you all within myself, especially at this, the lowest point? I'm nothing but a fool who loves with her heart and never uses her head.

The antagonist and the argument

It never occurred to you that I could be different from you. You don't understand me but you don't really try, you just point out all the things you think I'm doing wrong. You think I do this on purpose. But I thrive on conflict. You'll only realize that I need this to breathe after you take it away.
I know everyone says this but I want to change the world someday.

Please

Remind me that I can come home again.

See you soon

If I could bring myself to say it
I would tell you
That I have too much pride
And I would love to give in because I know you're right
But I can't
And I know it's not mature
I know it's not right
I am proud I am stubborn
Proud I won't give in
Even when I so desperately want to
I am proud that my greatest fault
Is also my greatest virtue
And though it never seems to work out quite right
I can't give it up
And when I know I'm wrong
I'll cling to it because
It's easier than saying sorry

You and me

Elmer is a feisty old man. He was a very rambunctious teenager, having a lot of girlfriends. He was quite popular back in the day, being a bit of a rebel child. He still has the shifty eyes. His skin is a purpley color. He had a heart transplant a few years back but that doesn't stop him any. He's still going strong. Sometimes you can tell that he's dying but it's not that obvious. He'll probably die from daily wear and tear but it's also possible that his heart will finally give out. He's seen it all, probably more than I realize. He's pretty cool, I like hanging with him. We go places together. A lot.

You are lost, you can never go home

I can't get over this idea that there's a place I belong that I can't get to. There's a song that will explain all that's inside me but I can't write it. A place that, like Valinor, would make you completely content if only you could sail there. Unfortunately, the world is round and it is beyond the rim of the sea. I'm trapped here and I can't get out.
Tolkien says it best, or rather, Frodo does:

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
"Upon the hearth the fire is red,
Beneath the roof there is a bed,
But not yet weary are our feet,
Still round the corner we may meet:
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone.
Tree and flower and leaf and grass,
Let them pass! Let them pass!
Hill and water under sky,
Pass them by! Pass them by!
Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.
Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
Let them go! Let them go!
Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Fare you well! Fare you well!
Home is behind, the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight.
Then world behind and home ahead
We'll wander back to home and bed.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
way shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
And then to bed! And then to bed!"

There and back again

You think I'm insane; I think you're weird. To you I'm just a problem, but you don't know what the solution is. You think I'm breaking all the rules on purpose but the truth is that I don't even know there are rules. So go ahead, get mad. It's not my fault. I don't specifically want to be here. God does though and therefore I am here. In fact, there's places I'd much rather be. I wish I could have it all. But that might ruin the joy of the parts that I do have. It might take away the pain of not having the parts I so desperately wanted. Why am I here when I want to be somewhere else so badly? Why do you want me here, of all places? I mean, there are the nights I love, the nights I wouldn't trade for anything, and there are the few glimpses into possible reasons, but there's still a huge part of me that yearns for other things. Places where I felt at home more than anywhere else in my life. Places I realize that I will probably never live again. And a part of me is okay with that and part is not yet. I think it will become okay though, in time. It's hard but no one said it wouldn't be. Some days I wish I could just go home. If I could find it.

I planted a potato

"There is no cat in that tree."
Some days, I forget which universe I live in, and I have to remind myself that there is no such thing as elves, dwarves, Valar, and hobbits; dark elves that live underground and orcs; talking animals, moving trees, mermaids, and centaurs; starflight, hundreds of colonized planets, and two other sentient species. Aren't there?

Where are we?

Nowhere is everywhere...
You are somewhere...
Everywhere is somewhere...
Therefore: You are here.
Welcome to Nowhere.

Just a figment of your imagination

I had a dream last night, and in the dream was a reoccuring place, a place I've been in my dreams before. A place I've been many times. There were police in their room, a room we could see from the picnic tables outside their window. The police were the brothers of my friends. Their room was close to this place, this room, in my dream. And we were there, but we were not going to stay there. We had dressed up to go out. But we never did. It was waiting, waiting, waiting for something that you wake up for before it happens. There were other people in the dream. Friends, people I know quite well. They were trying to stab me in the head. I don't know why.
This place that was in my dream, this reoccuring room, is one of two rooms behind rooms that I have never seen but I have seen in my head many times. The other one is in the church, behind the stage and up. Some girls live in that one. It looks very comfortable. The one last night is in a big building, like an office building or something. Only one storey though. Behind the offices and stuff, if you keep going, there are some rooms, some bathrooms and closets and things. But if you open one specific door there is a house, all open and laid out and really really nice. I go there occasionally but I never get to stay. There is a third place I go sometimes in my head, down in our basement, except there is a sub-basement and a room below that yet. And there there are people and a bathroom and some other stuff. In the ground there. But these places, I don't think any of them exist, except in my head.

Remember me?

Excuse me please. Sorry. Just let me by. I'm an addict, just looking for my next fix. If you know where I could find it, would you let me know? Thanks. It's within reach, actually. If I really needed it I could stretch out my arm and grab it. But I'm trying to quit. It's not working very well. Only grace keeps me going. Don't stare at me like that. Please look away. Hey, I know you! Remember me? What happened here? It's not my fault. Okay, it is. Partially. I didn't have to give in the first time. But you drove me to it. Relentlessly. It's your fault too. You could have done something. What's that? You didn't know? Of course you didn't. I hid it well, at first. But you did realize something was wrong, you just didn't do anything about it. That's a lie. The things you did do, you shouldn't have done. It's the things you should've done that you didn't do. Funny that we run into each other now, all this time later. See what I've become? A broken, filthy, hurting, addict. Quit staring at me. Oh, you want me to stop telling you this. What's the matter, feeling guilty? That's a first. It's a surprise you feel anything, really. Are you embarrassed? All dressed up with all your fancy friends, on your way somewhere important and here I am, dirty, bumping into you and soiling your precious look. Your friends are all surprised that you would know someone like me, even deign to glance at my face. I forgot, your important now. Remember what we used to be? Remember your past? Remember what life was like back then? Different from now, wasn't it. Way different. Our places could have been so easily switched. But you got lucky and I got hurt. It's funny, running into you like this. I have new talents now. New things to boast about, and none of them include a big house or a fast car or a lot of money. Rather, a big record and a fast body and a lot of needles. Surprised? You shouldn't be. You set me on this course. What have we become? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to continue on your way with your comfortable life and forget about the person in the alley or are you going to change the world?

It'll fade

There's a song called "Borders and Time" by the Rankins. They sang it last January in concert here and it's on their North Country CD. This is how it goes:
I think of you all the time
I'll pay for my sins The hearthache begins
I can't free you from my mind
It seems so these days
I've tried every way
You have drifted so far from me
The winds of change
Have swept you away
Night and day
It seems like eternity
Borders and time have kept you from me
Blue are the ocean waters
Along a lover's shoreline
You will not be forgotten
But now that you've gone
The heartache lives on
A warm breeze blows over a gentle sea
The summer is near,
The heartache is here
The fiddler plays an old time melody
The tune is the same
Change the faces and names
Blue are the ocean waters
Along a lovers' shoreline
You will not be forgotten
But now that you've gone
The heartache lives on
Oh borders and time
The heartache is mine

Have I even got a home? If so, may I find it?

Missing you already

I hit the ditch on Circle Drive on Friday night, or rather, very early Saturday morning. A tow truck randomly showed up and pulled me out. The weather was very bad that night. I got to Joeline's house at 1:30 in the morning, after not being able to find it, and then I cried. And then it was better, and I had a great evening. We had a sleepover with about 25 people, mostly in the living room area. We went home for brunch in the morning. School is over now and I'm home in Dalmeny, but I already miss my home in Bethany. I miss the people and the atmosphere and the community. Even (dare I say it?) the classes. Next year it will be different. There will be different people and people won't be there that I will want to be there. It won't be bad, just different. I love too easily, and then it hurts when I lose. But I refuse to stop loving.
This summer I'm working in Saskatoon, with my dad, at the flour mill. No camp for Teri. Which I am becoming okay with, slowly. I'm called to the city, I've realized that lately. That's the rest of my life. And I can't do that at camp. It's still hard but it's getting there. There's joy in the brokenness.
There's a song by Newsboys, who I generally don't like, that I love. The chorus goes "It's all God's children singing 'Glory Glory Hallelujah He reigns'" and it's true. He does reign. There's another song by Aaron Shust which is amazing, called My Savior My God. And these are the lyrics:
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God: He is
My God is always gonna be
Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior loves
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God is always gonna be

Sounds good but tastes terrible

There are two cures for my life. Homework is not one of them. Hockey is. Horsebackriding is the other. Neither of them are very easy. Kids' club is probably the highlight of my week. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the week is pretty good too. But school is over in less than 3 weeks and then it is summer holidays. And that is tearing me up inside. How do you make a choice when one thing you love but the other thing would make more logical sense? And God says pick the logical one, but you don't want to? How do you come to terms with having done it anyway?

Exegesis

I am very frustrated with my mind. It is driving me insane. Why do I think things that I do not want to think, why must these things keep on coming back? I have tried and tried to get this out of my head. Yet I surrender to it time and again. What is with this? Why must I always be going slightly mad?
By the bye, I am likely not working at camp this summer, which is exceedingly disappointing. I applied at the flour mill where my dad works, which would be a good job that pays well. However, it would require all 4 months of summer, and therefore I could not work at camp. If I do not get the job I will hopefully spend my summer making very little money, instead of lots.
Less than a month of school left. Then home. Home is good. Where is home?
I'm going insane.

Purple flowers don't last

Exhaustion. It rattles my brain and pokes holes in my thoughts. My body is a little sore but not too bad. There's this kid from town I keep running into at the most random times. I like him, he's cute. We have the occasional conversation. He's interesting. On a different note, when the Nicaragua team came home a couple weeks ago, I realized something that I have since been half-heartedly trying to suppress. I'm scared of it. But there's nothing I can do about it so I'll leave it be and see what happens, if anything. Now THAT would be interesting.

They're smiling with you in their targets

I have discovered that I am where I am supposed to be but I do not belong anywhere. I am a "floater" here just as I was in high school. How foolish of me to think that it would be any different. Not that I mind, usually. For the most part I like it, it's just that there are times when I wish it were different. But, you know, things happen. We'll see what it's like next year and even for the rest of this one. We'll see what summer holds. There is the possibility of moving to Calgary for the summer. Although my first love is to work at camp. If God sends me to Calgary I shall rant and scream and cry and go. And probably enjoy it there. So I'm torn right now as to what's happening with summer. Where am I going? Why?

They say things happen in threes

I dream a lot
Of death and fire
Though I do not fear either
I think a lot
About you, though I try to fight it
And fire burns
On and on, flickering hotter in the red-gold swirls
My soul burns
Crying for life and love and flame
And I try not to fight it
But embrace it
And blood flows
On and on, running warm through my hands
Rich and thick and alive in death
Red
Beautiful are both blood and flame
You know it
Don't try to fight it

Remembering is harder than forgetting you
Following is so much harder than running away
Dying is easier than living this life
It is easier to be dead and hard and asleep
But where do you live, and how?
The cold is what makes you feel alive
Seeing color, breathing deep, crying
Freeing the blood to run through your veins
Is this what makes you live your life?
It's just a memory you can't forget
Always looking for a home you can't find
Feeling good to feel worse
Remembering is harder than forgetting you
Chasing is more work than letting you go
Living is what we are called to
The pain is what makes you feel alive

My mind unwinds it intertwines
My heart embarks it wanders off
You never really did choose
I'm slightly irked that you're a jerk
My dearest friend
The air is hot in here
You're making me unstable as well as you are able
Picking and choosing your sides
Lies
I can see it in your eyes
Let me in know where to begin
But somehow we can't end
My skin is thin it lets you in
Bleeding red until I'm dead
Open your eyes it's all a disguise

Too soon to tell

"We're not going to live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not going to make up your mind
I don't want to live without you
And I don't want to live a lie
We'll never know until we try"
-Lifehouse

"I'm sorry for the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I'm sorry for the phone call and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, because I needed to
Some things just can't wait"
-Bright Eyes

There are people that I want to talk to a lot, a whole lot, and I cannot because I do not have a calling card, and I do not want to call them collect. I should get a calling card. But for now, I am slightly frustrated. Other than that, life here is generally mostly good.

Here, perhaps

I found a door to Nowhere
It really was absurd
And I looked back at Somewhere
Feeling free as a bird
I walked through that door to Nowhere
And found myself in love
Perhaps that land of Nowhere
Was my calling from above
And now I live in Nowhere
But they all know my name
Since I found that door to Nowhere
Nothing was ever the same

Short but all my life

I slept through church this morning. It was kind of weird, but I suppose that's alright. Classes officially start tomorrow, which I am both looking forward to and dreading. We came home from Calgary on Friday. Calgary was AMAZING. There are so many stories I cannot even begin to tell them all. God worked in so many awesome ways. I can't fathom God. It's impossible. I want to go back to Calgary, and work in the inner city. I want to hear those people's stories. That would be really sweet. We met so many people, prostitutes, ex-prostitutes, drug addicts, working poor, street people, etc. People from every walk of life somehow end up on the Calgary streets and I want to hear their stories. But we have to see what God says now. And at this moment I am supposed to be here where I am.

Watch me

Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is loving and giving
Saturday's child works hard for a living
But the child that is born on the Sabbath Day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

My mom says the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't. My life's greatest joy is doing what other people tell me I can't. And I have a tattoo, like I said I would and they said I couldn't. I was born on a Thursday.