Smile or frown

You know I'll love you either way.
I'm so glad we met and that we're friends now.
The thing that scares me the most about growing up, about graduating and leaving this town, is the fact that I won't be able to keep all my friends. Somewhere along the line we'll drift apart and I'll lose someone. It will invariably happen, you can't keep that many people when you're not forced to be together, like in school. Or people you don't get to see all the time like people from camp that don't live nearby. You lose friends you never wanted to lose. Letters don't work because people don't write back. Our lives have gotten too busy, too electrickized to sit down and actually write a letter, not type it. It's more fun that way, and more satisfying to read. But that's not the point. The point is that it's a scary prospect when you leave school to lose the people you've grown up with, especially when there's nothing you can do about it.

If you write me a letter I swear I'll write back. Then maybe we won't lose each other.

*screams*

Swift comes danger, they run fleet
Where sudden death and body meet
The stars can fall; the sky will sing
Why do we do this to you
Why do we never see
I don't think you can help it
Our comments cut and we never know it
You're bleeding inside but you never show it
It's the simplest things that hurt the most
I don't know how to fix it before all is lost
How do you take it
I don't understand it
Where these comments cut like knives
Until somewhere inside
It's all you can do to pretend it's okay
And in our stupidity we never realize
It's never okay
It's never right
And then tonight
I know it's foolish but I'm crying for what we stole
But maybe it's not too late
To take this pot of ashes and turn it into a bag of gold



What have we done? What right do we have to turn up our noses at you because you are no different from the rest of us and we never realize that. I hate my own stupidity I hate my lack of ability to stand up against what I see I hate that all we ever see of you is one thing because we're too high and mighty to look past that.

Now what?

I'm sore.
And frustrated.
It seems like I can't do anything right. I mean, I'm in Grade 12 here, and I'm pretty much the sole third line on the basketball team. And I AM trying. I'm trying as hard as I know how. I'm running fast and hard, and I try harder whenever Dave yells "harder". I seriously don't know what else to do. I want to go to Hoopla so badly, but I want to play in it too. Really. I get impatient sitting on the bench, although I'd rather be on the bench than not on the team at all. But it is my last year. The other thing is that I cannot do pushups, or make foul shots. I am trying but it just doesn't work for some reason. It is so so so frustrating. My body does not know how to do pushups and it's so embarrassing because I'm honestly trying and I look like a freak and I'm so darned slow at them. So what else do I do?

Some days it's so hard not to be jealous of you...

You make me smile

Life seems to have decided to be ironic lately. I mean, something'll happen and then I'll find the perfect song for how I'm feeling the next day.
Last night I went to a caroling thing at the church. It was great fun, especially eating the food afterward, but that's not the point. What stuck out the most was these four little grade one girls who sang a song. They were still at the age (obviously) where no one cares whether you can hit the notes or not, they just got up there and belted out the song. It was probably the highlight of the evening, and it made me think, why can't we still do that? Why is it that every time I sing people shun me, simply because I can't hit the notes? I love to sing. If I was six years old it wouldn't matter, but why does it now?

You fake it and I follow you right in

I'm really tired of this and of always fighting with you. Even when I swear I won't lose my temper it's gone within minutes when we argue. I don't understand you, I guess I'm not supposed to, but why can't I just accept it? Why are we both this stubborn and it always goes back and forth until I forget what I've promised myself minutes before. It's as frustrating as it can possibly get. I just want to get out of here; I just want to escape from this place at least for a little while.
I have heard the sweetest voice ever, and when that voice sings his own music my jaw dropped and I was glad of who I was sitting with otherwise I probably would've fallen in love.

Some days it's hard not to be jealous of you.

You know you can dance here

I know I've posted a lot in the past couple days, but this occurred to me today and I thought I should write it...

In the past, I always hated myself. The way I looked, the way I acted, who I was. So I wore a mask and screwed myself over, until I was so far gone I forgot where I came from and who I actually was. This is bad. Don't do it, it hurts more than it ought to and the pain is entirely unnecessary, you bring it on yourself. Anyway, this summer, that changed, starting in Philadelphia when I fell in love and continuing on at camp when I LITed and learned that people are amazing and that I have the best LIT group ever. And so I became myself this summer and it shows, I can see it. I'm happier now than I ever was before, and I care so much less what people think of me. Now I can dance.
And today I looked in the mirror and decided I was beautiful. Not in a cocky way, you understand, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, and we all know that's a long time, I liked the way I looked, and didn't hate myself for being me. I'll never be a head-turner but I really don't care and I won't change the way I am to try to be. That's really all that happened to me today, I decided I was beautiful. Sorry for getting you all excited.

The sky is falling

Don't look at me that way
There's nothing I can do
I don't know what to do with you
Don't make me handle you
Don't ask me questions I can't answer honestly
Don't ask me to do this today
There's no way I can fix this for you
I seriously can't help you now
Don't look at me like that
You're driving me to the point of insanity
There's nothing I can say but what I've already said
It's not going to change now
It's not my fault I love you

All you need is love... love is just a game

I came to 3 conclusions today, while doing my puzzle and listening to George Strait.
1) People in relationships who become too dependent on their significant other are screwed.
2) People in relationships who constantly think only of their significant other are screwed.
3) People in relationships who have the need to be in a relationship all the time are screwed.

I came to more conclusions today too. They are:
1) Social Studies is probably the most boring thing ever invented.
2) I don't want to go to Regina next week.
3) I am so extremely excited for basketball and I want to go to HOOPLA so so bad.
4) I enjoy almost all music including Celtic, reggae, jazz, and blues.
5) I hate most rap and all R&B.
6) Tomorrow night is going to be SWEET.

In other news, I had a sleepover last weekend and I'm still not caught up on my sleep. We stayed up until 4 in the morning and I'm still tired from it. It was great fun though. I'd totally do it again. Also, I got interviewed yesterday for the Country Press, so I guess I'm famous now. I'll be in the newspaper sometime in December because I wrote that story and got it published. So watch the Press, folks. Actually don't. I think it'll probably be kind of cheesy. So that is all that's new with me, comment on my life and tell me what you think of it. Even if you're not from Canada and don't know me, because that would just be entertaining. I like feedback, except from microphones.

"I had a dream I was Florence Nightingale and was getting raped..."

I miss you so bad sometimes

For the rest of my life I'll remember the Spanish kids of this summer and how they taught me that nothing is everything and my everything is really nothing at all, and that to be real is the only thing they see. I fell in love this summer so deeply that I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

Why does it cry, precious?

Kill me quick, kill me now
Because I don't want to have to spend
Another night sleeping
With my eyes wide open in
This cemetery world

I'm tired of hanging on
For dear life upside-down
I'm tired of being compared
To you

Remind me again how long
It takes to get out of this
And how much it doesn't hurt
To fall at this speed

Be who you are and say
Exactly what you mean
Knowing the smile in your eyes isn't fake
Even when the smile on your mouth is



I broke my writer's block today. Aren't you all proud of me? I hadn't written in something like 2 months and all of a sudden these first 3 verses came pouring out. (With my last name it's a wonder I don't get writer's block more often.) Seriously, why does everyone laugh at me and tell me I'll change my mind when I say I want 8 kids? I do. Don't tell me differently. (This is a different topic.) It's not that uncommon of a thing. I want a large family. What is wrong with that? Today was my Grandpa's birthday, so we went over there and had cake, and then spent 4 hours there, just hanging out. It was really good. I opened one of my Grandma's old jewelry boxes, and the smell of her drifted out. I almost started crying. I hadn't smelled her since she died, and that was 9 years ago now, when I was 7. It shouldn't have affected me as much as it did, but somehow I don't want to change it. Strange way for a 16-year-old girl to spend her Friday evening, nein? Guten nacht.

I don't know exactly where I am

I just wanted to be happy...

I thought I always wanted a boyfriend, I mean, who doesn't? It's normal, right? And then I got a chance to have one and I realized I don't really want one. Well, actually, I do, but I can feel God telling me to wait, because He is courting me right now and I have no time for boyfriends. Which is kind of cool because He's right. And it all worked out in the end and I'm happier just being friends, because then there's no pressure and nothing weird is happening. I'm sick of couples anyway, I don't think I want to join their ranks quite yet. It's comfortable this way. Besides, as I said already, couples annoy me.
Strange how life works, you know, always thinking you want something and then finding out you don't want it after all. Sometimes because there's something so much better out there and sometimes then you realize that now you have this big gaping hole and you're like, well, now what? (Which is a different topic for those of you who actually followed that statement.)
I also realized I would never be happy in a 9-5 job. I mean, I would hate it. Even if it was a job I liked, a routine like that would be the death of me. I need a job that's not ordinary, something that I would love, something out of doors but not ridiculous, something that could require travelling but wouldn't make me leave my family for long periods of time, because I want a family. What is my life going to be like after this year? It's almost like I'm relying on my routine to get through the year but it's not what I want. And to top it all off, it's too cold to run.

It's so amazing here...

If you could live the rest of your life thinking on what could have happened, you'll never notice life banging on your door and saying, “Look what's happening now!”

You can't change what's past but you can react to what's now instead of living in the past.

Be real before it's too late.

“So let go and jump in,
You'll be alright,
Because there's beauty in the breakdown.”

“Life's so amazing here”

You make me want to scream. I don't know what to say to you. I care about you so so much and this is just hurting you and we both know it. But there's nothing I can do and it's way beyond me now. You're just too damn stubborn to see how you're hurting yourself. It frustrates me to no end to see this, and to have to sit back and watch, knowing there is nothing I can do. I'm not denying I have my own problems because we both know what I've done. We both knew better and we're still scarred forever, so please snap out of it before you lose to something that was never real in the first place. It's consuming you and I hate so much to sit helplessly by.

I want to write about my courtship but somehow it seems this isn't the time to do it. I will say this, however: I am being courted and it is the most amazing feeling in the world, because I'm realizing that if someone can know me so well and still love me, well, he's amazing. (I'm more glad than ever we both chose like we did, because otherwise my life would be so messed up right now, and I have to say I'd never be like this if we had chosen that, and this is so much better than that could ever be now.)


..today I love breathing...

I still want to hold hands

"Have you ever had an impossible crush... like on someone who's dead?"

"Maybe it was angelfood cake!"

Seriously, I love you guys. We are the most Mennonite people ever. I mean, Thiessen, Falk, Pauls, Klassen, Siemens, Foth, Kessler, Funk, Wiebe, Wall, Block, Friesen, Braun, Quiring, (Nickel, Hango, Jeschke, Freistadt). Menn-o-nite. We are the most amazing group ever and I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world.

You say all the right things

Funny, isn't it, how God works things out in the end. There's so much I didn't have to worry about because God just took care of it all. I'm happier, I think, than if we would have chosen differently. I'm learning to be patient and wait on God's timing. I'm also learning to trust God, I guess, and follow what He says even though it's not what I want exactly, but in the end it's exactly what I want. I'm content now, I think. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you say all the right things even when you're not trying to. So I'm officially not dating right now and that is perfectly fine with me, better than alright.

Someday I will win a spitting contest though. I will work on it until I can win.
So I am happy now, happy not dating, happy because it's a long weekend and I have homework up to my ears and I am doing things with friends I haven't seen in a long time, and things with friends I have seen not that long ago, and in between. If I have one regret, though, it would be that I still wanted to hold your hand.
I'm off, have a very merry weekend. Leave a comment, I like comments. Auf wiedersehen.

Magic

Where am I?

School needs to be over, I'm tired of certain teachers, I'm tired of homework, I'm tired of not knowing what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm just tired, and living for weekends and weeknights. I guess my priorities are backwards, but I don't really care. It's echoing sentiments of a lot of us, that this is all going down when there's nothing we're doing and we could be doing everything to change it.

"I'm waiting for the breakdown..."

I've got your back if you've got my hand

Open mouth, insert foot.
Or even better, open foot, insert mouth.

Why is this so difficult? Seriously, you're making this a circus. But you're pretty much screwing yourself over because I'm happy with the way things are. I don't think they could get any better than they are right now at this point. It's pretty much exactly what I wanted, without my having to ask, so yeah, I like this. You also make me laugh because you're not really obvious or anything. Not a coincidence. I find you hilarious.

Physics should die. I don't get it and then when I'm actually paying attention and I think I did alright on an assignment I get a whole 50%. Right. That's real encouraging. Thank you.

If anyone at all still reads this they should leave comments. Even if you're a creeper and I don't know you you should leave a comment because I like comments. It adds some excitement to my "dreary" life. Haha. Get it? I didn't really think you would.

And to end, I've been having weird dreams lately. There's generally recurring places, places I have dreamed about years ago and forgotten about until I dream them again. And then you wonder how much of your waking life is a dream and how much of your dreams are real.
"I think it's kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

Tonight is the only time I want to be, and here is the only place

I think the word "sanctuary" is one of the most powerful words in the English language. When someone says sanctuary it immediately makes you think of a safe place, a place where you can be yourself and not worry about anything or anybody else. The place where you are the happiest, when you know the monsters under your bed are stuck there, unable to come out, and the demons riding on your back were left at the door. And you know, you just know, that nothing bad can happen to you when you're there, and your problems can't bother you as long as you stay. And you can stay as long as you like, and no one's going to force you to leave, or hurt you. And you're content. Perfectly comfortable. S'alright, perfectly alright. Nothing can touch you, nothing can hurt you anymore.

I can't forgive myself

What hurts more,
A knife cold and sharp on my skin
Or your words cold and sharp on my soul?
Which scars fade
Which pain leaves my lying awake at night
Wondering how there are so many facets of you to deal with
And how many wounds time won't heal
How many times your words make me cry
So all I want tonight
Is for someone to hold me
Rock me until I fall asleep
And tell me everything'll be alright
This pain doesn't last forever
Soon you'll be happy again
Without you tearing me apart
Broken, but never good enough for you

So today was the most frustrating day ever and I still don't know what to think about you. At times you're so kind and you even apologize, but then you go back and cut me down again. Pile my own stupidity and damn stubbornness on top of that and I don't know what to do anymore. It's days like today...

My hands are cold
My head is hot
This fever's old
Yet I am not...

Six passages

"The stone the builders rejected has become the capstone. Everyone who falls on that stone will be broken, but he on whom it falls will be crushed. And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people. Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and billows of smoke. The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD. And everyone who calls on the name of the LORD will be saved; for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there will be deliverance, as the LORD has said, among the survivors when the LORD calls. Therefore my people will go into exile for lack of understanding; their men of rank will die of hunger and their masses will be parched with thirst. Then my anger will cease and my wrath against them will subside, and I will be avenged. And when I have spent my wrath upon them, they will know that I the LORD have spoken in my zeal. Then you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free. I am the Alpha and the Omega..."

If I admit to heresy will you call this treachery?

1. I'm scared of going down ladders.
2. I hate icthuses on the backs of cars.
3. I'm phobic of bandaids.
4. I dislike sitting behind the driver in a vehicle.
5. I go barefoot as much as possible wherever possible.
6. I scar easily but I rarely bruise.
7. Sometimes I just want a hand to hold.

...but I like breathing...

Myself is exactly what I am

We went canoeing. It was fun. It was really really pretty. I slept outside on a rock. That was interesting. I had to wake up to roll over.
In other news, my Aunt Joanne had her baby yesterday. It is a girl and her name is Megan Lauren Mann. I haven't seen her yet.

The countdown continues...

Falling apart to half time

I have been reminded once again why I hate Fridays but on the other hand I am reminded how much I love camp, and the people one meets there.
On an entirely different note, I have decided to tell you all my views on dating, because I've been thinking about that a lot lately for some reason... and because I can.
First of all, the guy should do the initiating. Girls can ask guys out for coffee and walks and whatnot, but if there is any romance involved, the guy has to make the first move. Second, dating (or courting) should be done only with the possibility of marriage involved, not just for fun. The general point is to see if this is a person that you want to spend the rest of your life with, that you would perhaps marry one day. Otherwise the whole thing is rather pointless. Thirdly, for me at least, I would want to be good friends with the guy before I started dating him, because then I'd know if I wanted to go any further. None of this randomly taking the number of the cute guy at the mall. That's just stupid. I want to be able to just hang out with a bunch of people, instead of one on one all the time. Sometimes that's alright though. I want to be able to do random fun things, not just the traditional dinner and a movie. That's lame. Although it might take away my loathing of Fridays. Oh, and this is very important: any guy who is interested in me (of which there are a total of zero and that is not a bad thing) has to ask my father for permission to court me. And for permission to marry me but that comes way later. I want the kind of relationship where we're friends before, during, and after our courtship. I don't want to ruin things. I want to be loved for me, for being myself, even if it is abnormal in today's culture. I want to wait for the person God has set aside for me, no matter how long it takes, although hopefully it won't take too long, because I want a family of my own. Sounds like a plan.

Slow it down

I'll rise
I'll fall
I'll fail you all
We built these cities to stand so tall
We've lost our walls
I don't want to lose it, coming down with the whole world upside-down
I don't have a soul to trust in now with the whole world upside-down
We are one, tonight
And we're singing it out
We are one, tonight
And we're dreaming out loud
And the world is flawed
But these scars will heal
We are one, tonight
Two eyes
One tongue
I've come
Undone
I'm no victim
I paid these dues
I came to lose
I don't want to fight about it now with the whole world upside-down
I don't have a soul to trust in, now with the whole world upside-down
We are one, tonight
And we're singing it out
We are one, tonight
And we're dreaming out loud
And the world is flawed
But these scars will heal
We are one, tonight
I don't want to lose a common ground with the whole world upside-down
I don't want to fight about it now and the world was burning out
Let's slow the evening down
Slow it down
Slow down
Please slow down down down
The stars are comin' out
-Switchfoot

Right angles on a kitchen floor

Right angles on a kitchen floor
Christmas lights on rainy days
All I want is something more
Writing more than different ways
Laying down to stare at a star
Cold white bubbles in a bathtub
Your arms feel oh so far
Gravity swirls around its hub
Technicolor eyes taught me how to dance
A smile; a crinkled grey eye bends
So give us this one last chance
Before any of this ends



I got a speeding ticket today, for going 57 in a 40 zone. Whatever. Ich interessiere mich nicht. Ich mag nicht die Polizei. Ich bin frustriert, that's all. And etwas ungeduldig.
20 days until Underoath, 3 until school. And tomorrow I'm dying my hair dark dark brown. I had a long hot bath tonight. It helped soothe my emotions. Good thing I know what those are, so I can deal with them properly, eh?

We're nothing short of invincible

Home. Home is good.
It's after midnight and I just spent a week with little sleep and now I'm eating ribs and listening to music and I'm on the internet. (Obviously.) Some days I don't understand myself. Make that most days. I'm really excited for school to start, just so it can be over. I want to go back to camp, to always have something to do and people to be with, but where I can be alone should I so desire. Camp is nice, too, because you're isolated enough that the stupid things happening in the world don't affect you as much. I feel like writing but my words won't come. THAT is one of the most frustrating things in the world, when your main outlet is stopped up. I keep using the carpet as a napkin. But it's a carpet. So yeah, I have kittens. Or rather, Phantom has kittens. Three. An orange one named Coffee, a black one named Shade, and a tortoiseshell named Catti-brie. I already miss my LIT group, and t'other LIT group that I met this week, and other people from camp, and Philly people, from Philadelphia, and the Dalmeny people I haven't seen in a week.

When your only friends are hotel rooms
Hands are distant lullabies
If I could turn around I would tonight
These roads never seemed so long
Since your paper heart stopped beating leaving me suddenly alone
Will daybreak ever come?
Who's gonna call on Sunday morning?
Who's gonna drive you home?
I just want one more chance
To put my arms in fragile hands
I thought you said forever
Over and over
A sleepless night becomes bitter oblivion
These thoughts run through my head
Over and over
Complaints of violins become my only friends
August evenings
Bring solemn warnings
To remember to kiss the ones you love goodnight
You never know what temporal days may bring
So Laugh, love, live free, and sing
When life is in discord
Praise ye the Lord
-Anberlin

Dry eyes in the pouring rain

Underoath is coming back to Saskatoon. This time I AM going, although I do not have a ticket yet. Along with them are Moneen, Silverstein, and He is Legend, three bands I've heard of but never heard. Don't really care though. I just want to see Underoath. Really bad. Would anyone care to accompany me? Although I would go by myself anyway, 'twould be more fun with someone.
Yeah, in other news, camp was fun, I"m going back for one more week, in a cabin, and then I might go to Calgary with my family for a couple days. Then school starts again. Hoorah. I like school. Anyway, this computer's stupid.

The only sex I ever had was in a pan

...and you know I'm proud of that!

I went to the Fringe today. Or... yesterday, as it were. 'Twas a lot of fun. I bought another spray paint painting from that street painter that was at Dalmeny Days last year. It's pretty, it has the Northern Lights on it, which is why I bought it. I am in love with the Aurora Borealis.
Something I realized today was that I can't keep wishing to go back to Philly. That'll come in its time. I have to live in the here and now, instead of in my memories, rich as they may be. I am looking forward to camp on Sunday though. Which is good, because I would have to beat myself up if I wasn't.
The other thing I realized was that I am usually happiest where I meet God. Philadelphia, Redberry, etc. But I need to learn to meet God here at home, to be happy here at home, before I can run off to other places and be happy there. I'm working on it. Happiness is a choice, not so much an effect. So I choose to let God work in me. I choose to be happy.

In

Guess.

Spectacular

Light shows.
What else can I say?

Thursday night: Northern Lights like nobody's business. They were moving like crazy and were some of the brightest I've ever seen this far south and besides being green were pink on the bottom. Pink. I tried to take pictures but it didn't work too well.
Saturday night: Lightning. The sky was lit constantly, in these big beautiful flashes that just lit up the heavens but never came down to earth. It was behind clouds and in front of them, making it beautiful.
This is the one thing I shall never get used to as long as I live, the sky lights of Saskatchewan. And wherever I go and whatever I do, they will be what I miss the most.

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away."

Fire is wet, water burns

"It's so funny how we see things so clear when we have no time left to live" "We're nothing but hollow vessels in search of what makes us alive" "Don't stop breathing- the walls have just begun to spin" "What're you so afraid of?" "Wake up and step outside your box" "There's no turning back tonight" "What liars we can be"
"You my dear are the one I fear tonight"

I dreamed you lived close by, close enough that we could walk side by side and I didn't have to drive to see you.
I dreamed our time that we hung out.
I dreamed you told me you loved me.
I dreamed a river and a bridge in the black of night.
I dreamed we were together.
But what right have I, to dream of such things?

Who says you can't go home?

"I know why you never take your eyes off of me
I've used my lungs for everything but breathing"
"To fit inside your box
Would be to sell myself short"
"Close the door, lock it tight
Then I'll know you're safe tonight"
"Now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench
And when I press the keys it all gets reversed
The sounds of loneliness make me happier"

When there's nothing to forgive,
Too much to forget
It's all I can do to live
In this lack of regret
My emotions are in turmoil
Senses in a swirl, and everything is bent
And everything's coming to a boil
A body lying on the pavement
Until I realize it's me
Can't handle this anymore
Open my eyes, let me see
Into the truth, through the lore
Let's take this crazy chance
Smile with our eyes
Dance this wild dance
Look through the lies
Until there's nothing to forgive
Too much to forget
And I love being alive
In this lack of regret

Blind

The concert tonight was fun. In short:
Halifax: unremarkable. Didn't care for them.
Anberlin: very good. I jumped around in the mosh pit and almost got knocked over many times. It was a very hard mosh pit, but it was great fun. They played all my favorite songs by them so I was not disappointed; I got to hear what I came for. Bought a t-shirt.
Hawthorne Heights: also very good. I like them more now that I have heard more than 2 of their songs. Might go buy a CD.
Story of the Year: their music I liked. Not so their lead singer. He felt the need to insert the f word in every sentence where he had no reason to. He bothered me more than a little. I left early.
Afterwards: went and sat at Tim Hortons by myself and drank an iced cappuchino. Thought for a while. Went home, took the wrong exit, and ended up going back into the city until I could turn around, which was quite a ways.
All in all, I'm glad I went. 'Twas fun, although my ear is ringing now and won't stop. I don't want to be deaf.

Really and truly, let's hang out tomorrow. I don't care who you are, I'm supposed to sit at home all day and watch the orchard. So come on over, it will be a party. Please, rescue me.

I keep dreaming these strange dreams, stranger as my dreams go. And in every one I'm trying so hard to save someone, but I always wake up before I can. We're running away, and hiding, and I have to help them. It's always a different scenario. For some queer reason, I'm also pregnant in more and more of my dreams nowadays. It makes you wonder...

Promise me...

The sun sets the same
Some things never change
Whether we're together or apart
The sun sets the same.

The sun rises the same
Something that never fades
From wherever we are
The sun'll rise the same.

The Northern Lights will dance
Some things never pass
Look at the sky and hold hands
The Northern Lights will dance.

The stars will still shine
No matter what you try
Cold in their far-off dance
The stars will always shine.

The sky will never forget
It's you and me in this endless pattern
Giving ourselves just another chance
No one could ever regret.

We're not in Kansas anymore

WOW. God is so good. God is amazing. These past days have been amazing. AMAZING. Probably some of the best days of my life, excepting the Avis Incidents. Here is a rundown of what we did, and my highlights, because I can.
I like airplanes. I like flying. I do not like people who do not rent us vans that they said they would, and then charge us extra. I do not like being hungry at 10:00 at night and stuck in a car rental agency... twice! But it was fun.
I thoroughly enjoy the way they do church down at Bethel Temple. I love the church. And the people. And that they are so full of love for everyone else.
Wading in the fountain, playing football on the infamous Rocky steps. Need I say more?
Water ice is to slurpees as Grandma's homemade apple pie is to day-old storebought apple pie.
Mouldy basements and mango popsicles.
Skip-bo with Anna and Allyce.
THE 4TH OF JULY. Fireworks. Haha, I saw Lionel Ritchie.
Canvassing on the 4th of July. Block parties.
Cheesesteaks. (hot sauce)
My kids at day camp. I LOVE those kids. Even Cito, in a way. I'm not even going to describe day camp, other than it was good. And Luis and Pearl came to church that Sunday. I cried when I saw them.
Ross.
The open-air. That was the most blunt, most amazing thing I have ever seen. Handing out tracts to people in cars, just being convicted, seeing the love that community has for each other. Wow.
Talking to Rob and Mike until however late that night.
The Phillies game, even though they lost. FIREWORKS. I have never seen anything like that, anything even remotely close. It was beautiful.
The complete lack of mosquitos.
The remotely creepy puppet show.
Shopping in Franklin Mills. Being chaperoned in Franklin Mills.
Ocean City. The Atlantic Ocean. And the boardwalk.
Times Square. Shopping.

And some quotes and other goodies:

"In case you haven't noticed, you guys are white."
"Hungerectomy" "Haha... rectum."
"It's the blow-up balloon thingies... that wiggle."
My pet polar bears. Lying in general.
Teri: "So Jess, what rumors have you been hearing about me?" Jess: "Oh, I haven't heard any. I've been mostly starting them."
Braden: "Hey look Teri, a street painter."
"You're not stealing that shirt for me... I like the gray one."
"But Mom, Hector's corny!"
Cas: "Rain..ger... lake" David: "Ran... grr... la... key" Cas: "No, David. That's wrong. You're an idiot."
And last but definately not least, the interns.
Geo, Jay, Rob, Victor, Hector, Misael, Tony, Bryant, and Mike. Coolest people you will ever meet.
Ever.

Test 1 2 3

Grad was good. Sad, but good. School next year is going to be so very different. Aftergrad was vaguely surreal, fun, but boring at the same time. After aftergrad was fun, for the time I was there, but I had to be home by 1:30 so I guess I missed much of it. I enjoyed what I was there for though. If I hadn't been driving...

Anyway, I'm leaving for Philadelphia tomorrow, so I'll see all of you on the 12th when we get back. I love you all. Have a great summer.

I found a liquid cure

I butchered a cow the other day, actually, I was helping Brynn and Stefan. 'Twas very interesting. I had fun. I'd never butchered anything before. Skinning it was probably the best part, as long as it took. Cutting down through all the fat, pulling on the leather hide. I'd do it again, any day. Even with the blood still pouring out of its neck. And the stomachs felt like rubber balls, except oh so fragile and strange. I'd never seen a stomach before. Or really, any of those multiple organs we pulled out. I didn't get to see the brain though. We tried but Stefan finally said it was a waste of time to cut the head open just so I could see a brain. We played with some nice knives though. And shot a blackbird, proving that Stefan does have good aim, although I still think he should've shot the seagull instead.

Good luck.

I lied

Its so hard to try to put into words what I want to say. A part of me wants to forgive you, but I just want to forget you. I hope you get better and I hope you never do. So in the end I really don't know what to say or do.

Boys are stupid... throw rocks at them

"It's the part of me you never see, with a black dress, innocence, dark skin and darker dreams."

Quit telling me what I am and what I'll like. You don't even know me. You never tried to know me, so there's nowhere for you to prove me wrong. What you see is only half of who I am. You'll never see the other half because you never look. And I really can't trust you because you never gave me reason to. I can see things too, you know, and sometimes I see more than you think. And I still know everything, my friend.

Sleeping through church

So it rained all weekend. The rain kind of reflects my mood. It makes me want to write poetry and be wet. It makes me want to curl up in front of a fireplace with hot chocolate and a [boy] friend. It makes me want to dance, or do crazy things that defy normalcy. Rain makes life interesting. As does music. There's emotions dancing in my soul that I haven't felt in a long time, that I don't want to feel. Some things people say they have no right to say, because I never shared all my secrets. You never knew the whole story, so you really can't say my motives. And some people are too stubborn to see past their own barriers, the ones that are only in their mind. I'm tired. I don't want to think anymore. I just want to be. I want to dance, I want to laugh. I want all my worries and my jealousy to go away. I need to get out.
On another note, Bright Eyes was bloody amazing. That is about all I have to say on that subject, except now I have a minor unfortunate obsession with Conor Oberst. Oh well, it will wear off soon. "This is a song about being somewhere you're out of place. Like... flamingos... in West Edmonton Mall. Or... a pirate ship... in West Edmonton Mall. Or... me... walking around in West Edmonton Mall."
I have found my goal in life: to disprove what everyone else wants me to be. I'm tired of people [teachers] telling me to be a writer. I DON'T WANT TO BE A WRITER!!! Frick. I want to maybe get into med school, either med or vet med. Or maybe I don't want to go to university at all. Perhaps I will go to Bible school and then be a housewife the rest of my life. What would everyone say to that, eh? Perhaps I will live on the street. I don't want to do what everyone expects me to do. I just want to be me. Why is that so hard?

It isn't what they want us to be...

I am neither black nor white. I am colorless and yet all colors, all shades of gray. I am there and then I am gone. In a flash, or a poof of smoke, or simple vanishment, I am not there. I am intrinsically simple, easily complicated.
I am the underworld.
Impossible to find, I welcome you as my children. I am your safe haven. I will never betray you, for to do so would be to betray myself. Everything is more than it seems in my eyes, and if you hurt me, I will kill you. I am the master of double plays, of backstabbing. I am your home and your life.
I am your darkness.
I live underground or above it, in back rooms or on front porches. I am invisible, always watching, always waiting. I live in forests or in cities, in caves or in subway systems. I am illegal yet entirely within the law.
I am the outcasts.
The people society has no place for, I take in with open arms. I always have more room. I am there if you need me, yet I need you more. I am impossible to escape from, for I am everywhere. I protect and I nurture. I cherish and I hold. I keep and I kill.
I am a secret.
I am expensive, I am a bargain store. I am whatever you need, for a price. Untameable and uncatchable, I operate on a need-to-know basis. And this, my dear, is all you need to know:
I am you.

We began with concluding remarks

I wrote this the other day, I want to put it to music, so, if anyone out there can write music, that would be greatly appreciated. And tell me what you think, I'm curious. If you recognize what it's about, don't say. Part of it is the secrecy.

You can call me crazy, but I don't mind
You can call me whatever you want
I don't care tonight
Can't ever stop thinking of this and what might have happened between us
Dark hair between your eyes
Your voice it cries
To me, just to stay with me
Never forget
The clothing in the closet and the blanket on the floor
All we wanted was more than this
Always remember the way that it used to be
And now we're here on the couch
With a pillow in between us
Hoping to keep us apart, while we're waiting
One step down, two steps up
Don't turn around
Don't look at what you should have had
Read my definition on this empty paper
I'll rewrite who I am, and where it comes from
Chasing the shadows down to the carpet
There's no regret
'Cause the part of me you never see
Behind my glistening eyes
It's a black dress, innocence
With dark skin and darker dreams
May be more than what it seems to you.

Wildcard of a pack of wildcards

I think there is a difference between disliking what somebody does, disapproving of their actions, so to speak, and judging them. I don't think of you any different, knowing what you did, but that doesn't mean I have to like that you did it. That's not judging you. I think you have a misconception about what judging is. I think judging is me telling you that you are going to hell for doing such and such, which may be what some people do say. Disagreeing isn't judging, no matter how you put it. You can accuse me of judging you because I disagree, but that's not fair to either of us. Having absolute morals and believing your actions are outside them isn't judging you. It's simply disagreeing. I was entitles to that. But I never judged you for doing what you did. I didn't like it, yes, but I still like you, and there's a difference.

The Dreamclub Murders

So after all, you needed more than a death-threat fall.
You needed more, and I let you fall.
Into the coffin with your floor-dropped jaw.
And I remember you aspiration, your dream to fit in.
But it's gone, and they're here.
So let's kill these felons now.
But I remember you, you'll go, you'll find a way back home.
But I remember you, when you stand there,
You stand with your eyes closed.
And I feel, tonight, that I let you die.
But you could have lived forever, it took smiles to keep you alive.
But heroes die, and so did mine.
But you go, and I stay, will it keep you at peace now.
But I remember you, you'll go, you'll find a way back home.
But I remember you, when you stand there,
You stand with your eyes closed.
And I'll dig you out, and I'll sit you up.
For the fools to find you, the fools breathe into you.
So sleep child no one can touch you now.
No one can hurt you now.
Not here.
Anymore.

-Dead Poetic

Dream

Fall in love/ get married
Have several children (8)
Learn to speak German fluently
Travel Europe, especially Germany, England, Scotland, Ireland, and Wales
Grow old with my husband- together
Write books
Learn to play the bagpipes well
Fall asleep in someone's arms
Have a song written about me
Be given flowers (daffodils)
Play in HOOPLA
Sleep on a beach
Learn to survive on my own
Get a tattoo
Get quite lost while driving and really get to know the person with me
Ride in a hot-air balloon
Dance
Travel Australia
See the Boston Bruins win the Stanley Cup
Have a family like the Froese's
Have one brown eye and one blue eye

Jealousy

Spin me around, let me fall down
Wake up to your face and hands
Maybe when I wake I'll remember to forget you
If you close your eyes we might be okay
Don't look don't feel
Don't move
Don't open your eyes
Smile when you turn away
There's method in this murder
Survive until sunrise
When all your dreams hit the floor
Remember that I love you and I won't let go
There's method in my madness
Call me friend to forget me
Or forget to remember me
Don't react, hold yourself out of reach
But if you don't take chances you'll never learn a thing
So smile through your tears
'Cause we're all okay
And there's madness in my murder.

When you stand there you stand with your eyes closed

YOU are a miracle.


Don't ever doubt it.


Don't ever deny it.


You are worth so very much. If God cares about each sparrow, how much more does He care about you and me?

Amazing love, how can it be
That you my king should die for me
Amazing love, I know it's true
And it's my joy to honor you
In all I do, I'll honor you.

Real in a surreal setting

I LOVE MY FRIENDS.

Really. So much. All of you. Saturday was the hugest wake up call ever. And I wasn't even on the bus. I didn't even go. But at the pancake breakfast, when I heard about it, I was like "Oh God, they're dead. Please don't let them be dead." Remind me to listen to my premonitions more often. You have no idea what it's like to hear that 50 people you know, most of which are your friends, have been in an accident. So I was scared. And I decided I don't tell you I love you often enough. So I'm saying it now. I love you guys.

We can play for keeps or sunrise

So would you stay with me?

Old songs with new lyrics

I found some old stuff. I need people to write music for me. I feel like I'm tilting. The world's tilting. I'm gonna fall off.

I’m tired of being so happy and then life happens and there I go again. I’m angry and I know its for a stupid reason and I’m angry anyway. So furious that I stop thinking rationally. I need to grow up and I know it but I don’t do it. Nothing makes sense any longer and all I do is yell incoherently into the muddle, making things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better if I lived in a hole underground; at least then people wouldn’t shout at me. Can I just try life without you always there hovering over my shoulder? What would it be like to live without rules? and there I go again, making the same bloody mistakes over again, but no one seems able to forget. And I can’t forgive myself for what I did. But what can I do about it? At least I can admit I am a stupid idiot. Remembering what you said that night theres nothing I can do. You can’t change the past. But the smallest wounds fester the longest, giving the most pain. like a rock in a shoe. Blistering between your toes. I think out culture has forgotten how to forgive. And give. But theres nothing anyone can do because when the night is over, I’m still awake and writing my story. Asking if I could change the past would my future change as well? Cause I’m still here and though you made me cry I know how hard it is. I didn’t ask to be born but there is nothing I can do about it. Cause I want to live before I die. And when I’m gone there will be no one left to mourn my empty tombstone. The later it gets the longer we are hanging on and I think that that is all we really can do in the end. It doesn’t even matter. The deeper you look into me the more you see yourself in a mirror. Creep.
So I got back from Heritage yesterday and it was... sweet but at the same time sour. I'd love to say I learned a lot but I'm not sure if I did. I'm still sorting out my thoughts. Some things I understand and some I don't. People confuse me, but at the same time I fall in love with them. Fire licks around the edges, there's nothing left to say. I'm not happy with my life but I'm not disappointed in it. I want to walk away and run into your arms. We made a fire and watched it burn. Sparks flew between us but they burned holes in my soul. Wreathed in smoke I'm the color of ash. Vibrant. I no longer know what to think, there's nothing left to be. I miss you and I'm glad you're gone. Sitting here in sackcloth watching you slowly fade into smoke. What can hospitals do? Nothing left. Maybe something right. I would dance to the music in my head, there's nothing left to feel. Drowning in the lake I breathed for the first time in the red pool. I saw beauty but it was a shadow. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm in love with you. And there's no longer any way to pull me out of this sinking sand. Underneath in Thomas' world I met Justin and I laughed.
I fell asleep and watched you stare at me through closed eyes. I’ve been dreaming about this life for so long, now that I’m finally here there’s nothing I can do to rip myself away from it. I hear the same old things over and over and in the next room I hear you screaming from your box. Trapped. Dancing in the sunshine, you rained into me what I thought was love. I think as I’m lying in my bed falling asleep and these words come. If I wasn’t tone-deaf I’d sing a song about you. what do I know of love? What do I know of life? There’s very little words left to fight. And as we go along the moments whisper by like so many shadows, offering the illusion of time to be. Plans all fall apart in the end, and so we die alone, surrounded by people. But the people aren’t where we end up anyways. Clawing to get in you fall off the door only to be yelled at once again and the pain of rejection stings. Days crossed off calendars go by while I wait for it to rain. There’s no one logical for me to love, and then what’s left? Illogicalness. If you could read my dreams on paper then what would you find behind my eyes. Vapor fading away like dust’s shadow, dusk always comes before morning. And unless you turn to watch me fade I’ll be gone before you get back to me.

Alright, sorry that was long but I feel the need to repeat it. Go talk to your grandparents. You'll be surprised how many stories they have. How much I'll miss mine when they're gone. Go ask for a story. "Daddy take me to Grandpa's. Grandpa, tell me a story. I love you."

What part of I is actually me?

Why do you try so hard? Why are you so obviously fake? Why do you need the attention so badly, because you're starting to scare me. Just be natural. Just be yourself.
Let me take my own advice.
I don't like the system. Really. I'm starting to hate parts of school. I hate Grade 6 teachers who know nothing about baseball and rub it in your face. I hate reasons not to go to birthday parties. I hate not being myself. I need something to change. I hate my stubbornness, but I hate giving in. Let me wake up one morning and am, not just live. I want to am. Let me am.

It seems so long ago

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit.

Thanks to several people this past week, for talking until 3 a.m., for chasing me down Wednesday night, and for not telling on me. I don't think I've ever said thank you.
I'm starting to find people fascinate me more and more. I love watching people.

I hate being impatient. But I hate waiting. STOP MAKING ME WAIT!!!
I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees
and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

So now that we're all good with that, we're good. I wish I wasn't crazy. And Doreen Sorenson got manslaughter. That was that case we went to. I'm happy for that. I thought she seemed nice. I didn't want her to get second degree murder. And as a last piece of advice, get off the computer and go for a walk. It's a beautiful day.

Fact not fiction

never forgot the time you made me feel alive
when death was on my mind
or when you held onto me
when the world let me fall behind
you were love to me rather than just a word
a friend was all you were
and it changed my heart
stood next to me through the storm
felt the wounds and kept me warm
something i had never seen before
and i thank you

Open your eyes

My head hurts and my heart hurts. Some days I wonder if I'm blasphemous. Some days I wonder if I'll ever get you out of my head. I need to sleep but I can't. If I do I don't know when I'll wake up. Did you forget or did you simply forget to remember? I don't know but I can't remember. I imagine I'm yelling, but really I'm whispering. I can't move. Cry for my memories but not my regrets. Cry for what's gone and can never come back to tell you another story. I am awake and dreaming, or dreaming that I'm awake. I can't keep my eyes open. Or I can't close them. Write me a song and sing it; maybe I'll wake up. Crazy enough to fall asleep curled up with you. The clouds wrap their misty arms around my soul, and then they carry me off. Don't hold on too tight, or you'll come too. Swallow your darkness. If you look past what you see you might see more than you looked for.
OPEN YOUR EYES.

The darker your dreams

It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away.

It's okay to dream.
It's okay to sit on picnic tables and watch people enter and leave the store.
It's okay to dance.
It's okay to be irrationally happy.
It's okay to bicycle down the same street 8 times in the span of 3 1/2 hours.
It's okay to sing to yourself.
It's okay to not sleep.
It's okay to eat chocolate bars and drink grapefruit juice.
It's okay to watch the sunrise.
It's okay to fall in love.
It's okay to say sorry.

The Art of Killing Charlie

Let go slowly
Smile with your eyes when your mouth is broken;
it'll turn out alright
We can play for keeps or sunrise
the harder you break the faster you heal
Fly away, your dreams are rent
Live breathe laugh love
I hate that I love what I hate.

I finally wrote a rhyming poem I like.

Break your arms, break both your feet
Hold your breath until we meet
Laugh out loud and smile and say
"Funny you should come this way
We've much to do, you and I
You never know until you try
All your dreams are torn and rent
Time and fortune badly spent
Odd that we're together now
Make up rhythm, make a vow
The more you want, or need, to choose
The more you find you have to lose
The closer you get the longer it takes
For healing to come for all of the breaks
So now you're here and can truly see
What part of I is actually me."

Irony, idiocy, and idols

Hello, faithful readers.
It is time. I need to let go of some things in my life, things that I need to give up to God so I can truly live for Him. It is ironic because I was spending a lot of time thinking about this, and then in small groups tonight, we talked about it. Exactly. It was my situation to a T. However, as much as I want to give this up, I can't do it on my own. My thoughts always go back.
Alright, here's the thing: boys. As much as we (speaking for most single girls) are desirous of a boyfriend, we need to give that desire up to God. This is because we spend lots of our time thinking about boys, wishing that "the one" would show up, spending so much time wishing that we waste our single life on it. There is also that we are probably not ready for a boyfriend until we give it up and make God first in our lives. Once we can live without one, I think, the right one will show up. The beauty of this irony is in the fact that we are only ready for it after we don't think we need it anymore.
I know it is not easy, however. As much as I want to give up my desire for a boyfriend to God, my selfish, stubborn self keeps taking it back. I want to quit focussing on temporal desires and start focussing on what is eternal, but I can't. I can't do it on my own. God help me. Help me let go.

I love

I want to go to England.
I want to go to northern Saskatchewan.
I want to go to Australia.

"Those who speak of what they do not know
Soon find that prudent silence is wise.
Joseph Pouquet hold your tongue
And keep your hand at the level of your eyes."

A Most Remarkable Morning

I suppose I'm it, so, in the spirit of good fun, here goes nothing.

7 Things I would like to do before I die:
1. Get married and have kids
2. Travel the world
3. Write a book
4. Ride in a hot air balloon
5. Learn to dance
6. Learn to play bagpipes
7. Hold hands

7 Things I cannot do (yet) :
1. Sing
2. Forget
3. Control my temper
4. Throw javelin properly
5. Get a tattoo
6. Live on my own
7. Graduate

7 things that attract me to blogging:
1. It's nice to get feedback about stuff
2. It's a place to rant
3. I like to read about my friends
4. It's a place to post thoughts and poetry
5. It is addicting
6. I like writing
7. Lists are stupid

7 things I say most often:
1. Shut up
2. I'm crazy
3. Move, stupid! (referring to cows)
4. What?
5. I'm sorry
6. I love you
7. So, what are you doing this evening?

7 books I love:
1. anything by Ted Dekker
2. The Westing Game
3. anything by Frank Peretti
4. The Dark is Rising
5. The Reckoning
6.The Last Guardian
7. The Most Important Little Boy in the World

7 movies I watch over and over:
1. The Phantom of the Opera
2. The Lion King
3. The Lion King 2
4. The Return of the King
5. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
6. The Princess Bride
7. Moulin Rouge

Beautiful

HOOPLA!

Dang, I hope we win. Go boys go!

In other news, I was thinking Wednesday about the desire to be beautiful. How all girls have something inside them that yearns to be called beautiful. How beauty is more than just looks, how beauty is character. We try so hard to be considered pretty on the outside, while that's not what really counts anyway.

Howe'er, another beautiful thing is basketball. Especially provincial basketball. Especially Dalmeny playing in provincial basketball. That's beauty to me.
What is it to you?

Sing the requiem for my dreams

"This time is the last time." I'm happy for you, I swear. I'm so proud of you. But it still hurts. I still want it so bad. My heart aches, and I want to cry. But I swear I love you.

I'm not crying, I just want this so bad my eyes are running over with the pain of it. Why is crying looked down upon in our culture? It's not a bad thing. You cry when you're happy, sad, frustrated, hurting, excited, etc. So why do we consider it shameful?
It hurts to say things that you know hurt other poeple, even when you know they have to be said. When it is necessary. But it kills. Even if you don't like the person but have respect for them. If you desperately want to be friends. When you want to be friends, but have to say hurtful things because there's no other possible way for you to even start being friends.

"If I cried an ocean of tears, it wouldn't mean anything without you. And it wouldn't express half of what I feel right now." I want to fall in love...

So sing the requiem for my dream. Remember the haunting melody when your own desires hit the floor. And when you cry I'll be here to hold you. I swear I love you. Sing. Please. Mourning helps one to go on. Sing the requiem for my dreams.

No longer normal

I thought of something to say but I have forgotten it...

I want to fall in love...

My hypocrisy

Our Christian culture is hypocritical. This is a generalization, however, I include myself in it. And as this has been dominating my thoughts, this is what I'm going to talk about tonight.

There are two prayers that bother me profusely.
1. That Christ would return soon. Well, what if I don't want Him to return soon. I hate it when people pray in generalizations. I want to get married, have kids, have grandkids, grow old, and die with my husband at an old age. I don't want Christ to come back because that would probably prevent that from happening. I want Him to come back long after I'm dead.
2. The "Christmas prayer". That we would celebrate Christ's birth throughout the year, and not just in December. You've heard the prayer. And every time I suggest singing a Christmas song during worship on Sunday I get shut down. Why? Why? Don't pray that you want God to help you celebrate Christmas all year round unless you mean it. It's not a bad thing to sing Christmas songs in March or September or July.

And I am no longer capable of sitting through Sunday School quietly without bothering anyone. Being a quote "good Christian girl" unquote is not working anymore. And God is not answering my prayers. At least, not that I can see. And I'm impatient.
I'll leave you with that, judge my character as you will.

"Wild nights are my glory"

The more you laugh the more I think you're hurting. The more you taunt the more I think you don't realize what it is you're missing.

The next best thing.
No matter how much you say it's not worth it, I want it. It's what's always just out of my reach, what I get to taste but I can't have, what I can almost touch before it slips away. The inability to have it makes me want it all the more. It's haunting. It's so simple. It seems so beautiful. You don't realize what you have. I'd trade you any day, but it's not something that I can just get. You have to give it to me. Quit saying it's not worth it- it is to me.

Define love.

Remember surrender

It strikes me that when we take off our masks, we see ourselves as we really are, and that scares us; this is the main reason we wear the masks.

Every time I say I'll surrender I go back. This is killing me, is there a way to give it up to God and leave it with Him? Can I stop taking it back? Guys, can you pray for me? There's stuff that I have to give up and I always say I will but I don't seem to actually be doing it. I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody, but whatever. There's a song I really love by Sara Groves, it's called "Maybe there's a Loving God". And this is how it goes.

I'm trying to work things out, I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard Staring up at the stars in the sky
I have another meeting today With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard Staring up at the stars and the moon
They have a chart and a graph Of my despondency
They want to chart a path For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard Staring up at the stars and the moon
Maybe this was made for me For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
Maybe this was made for me For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
And that may be a foolish thought Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God

A long-lost love

Building bridges through city streets
An act, almost of defiance
One of our only wondrous feats
Even as, day after day, we toil in vain
There is much we neglect to say
And soon one sees the nothing we can gain
When flowers grow black on our graves
Moonlight glistens your tears
For merciful death life is waived
When what is set is done
From smallest ant to largest whale
The prize is unable to be won
Blood drips dark, a smile sad
A haunting scream you turn your head
Don't dare look- it's what you should have had

And then we die...

I have been thinking about romance a lot lately. It is not by choice, it merely seems to crop up in my thoughts and music more often for some reason, or else I'm just noticing it more. To me, somehow, romance is a lot more than dating, or even marriage. You can have marriage and love without romance. Romance is love but love is not romance. I'm sorry if this makes no sense to anyone, but I need to organize my thoughts. For example, I was at a party on Friday night, and there was a girl there who was sick and throwing up. Apparently this is fairly usual at parties of this sort, but still disgusting, so bear with me. The thing that struck me about this scenario is that the whole time she was sick and bending over the toilet, her boyfriend was there, holding her, comforting her, and keeping her hair out of her face while she was sick. I don't care if you think that's disgusting, to me that's romantic. If someone can see you at your lowest point and still love you, then it is more real than if they just saw you when you were dressed up and on a date with them.

Romance is: Holding someone when they're sick...
Dancing under the stars...
Watching hockey and cheering for your team even when they're losing 12-1...
Laughing at yourself...
Letting go of your self-inflicted chains...
Not caring what others think...

What is it to you?

Stop saying that we're invincible

"When the dark comes rising, six shall turn it back
Three from the circle and three from the track
Wood, bronze, iron, water, fire, stone
Five shall return and one go alone.

Iron for the birthday, bronze carried long
Wood from the burning, stone out of song
Fire from the candle-ring, water from the thaw
Six signs the circle, and the grail gone before.

Fire on the mountain shall find the harp of gold
Played to wake the sleepers, oldest of the old
Power from the greenwitch, lost beneath the sea
All shall find the light at last, silver on the tree."

The want that kills

I sometimes get the feeling that all is not quite right- that more is expected of me, a more that I don't want to give. I don't always think I turned (or am turning) out like I am supposed to. I saw a family on Sunday and oh, I would give anything to have a family like that. They loved each other, and that was made perfectly clear by the way they acted towards each other. They weren't embarrassed about showing love to their siblings/parents/children in church. There were about 5 children, with the oldest being about 19 and the youngest being about 7 or 8. They really really loved each other. And I saw it, and it almost made me cry. Why aren't we like that? Have we deviated from love like that for so long that we can't go back to it? I know if we did it wouldn't be the same, it would still be awkward, whereas it wasn't here. I want that. My family love each other all right, but we could never be as amazingly open about it as the family from that place. And it kills me.

The crashing of the illusion

Sunday was... good. I think I want to go back, for several reasons. It strikes me that when we take off our masks, we see ourselves as we really are, and that scares us; this is the main reason we wear the masks. But this is what came out in the end.

You're so much more than I remember. I just want one more chance. You walked in. It's good to see you (I missed you last night). I don't know how you do what you do. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I'm on fire when you're near me. It doesn't feel right, holding someone else's hand. You won't let me forget. Something isn't right. I took a vow to never forget you. Keep those memories in your mind. I still love you- I swear I always will. I wish I never loved you. Sometimes you've got to learn to let go. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray, you'll never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away. This all seemed so easy but there's choices to make. What was normal in the evening by the morning seems insane. Stop saying that we're invincible. If you promise to stay conscious I will try and do the same, well we might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain. All this pain is justified. I'm drowning in my sleep. How long until my turn to die? Grab that last bag and turn out the lights. Picture you leaving. I'm sorry, so sorry. I saw the future once. The day when simplicity was washed away. My dreams realized in flames. She dreams she's dancing. In a coma you don't dream. In a dream I spent the day with you. The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit. And you're the only one I want to be with in the end.

Now all that's left is just to say goodnight...

It's really cold, but maybe I'm just sick. I have a vise in my head and a pit in my chest. Resulting in a headache and a nasty cough. And I'm too stubborn to take drugs.
The boys left this morning for Superhoops. I'm jealous. Besides that I like basketball, I have to work all weekend because Chad and David are gone. Boys are stupid. And on that note, I (hopefully) get my resolution on Sunday morning. If all works out. I really hope it does. So that's a good thing.
Cody and Casey left for Nicaragua this morning. So that's an exciting experience. We talked about it at youth last night and it made me really excited for Philly.
In other news, it's almost break, which is good, because I can catch up on my sleep, which is good, because then hopefully I won't be sick. We get our new basketball jerseys by divisions, if all goes well. Speaking of, divisions are February 21st and 22nd, so come cheer us on against Delisle on the 22nd.
When is the Phantom of the Op'ry cast party?
And finally, a random fact about me. I tend to narrate things in my head. It's true. It's probably why I'm such a good word weaver (even though that sounds chotchy). I narrate almost everything in my head, how people say things, what they will say next, what their actions are, etc. There you go. Now you know my secret. Except it wasn't. I'll leave now.

...but I like breathing...

Picnics to potlucks

Yesterday evening I went for a picnic in the park and it was fun. I like doing spontaneous things, such as having picnics in winter. Yesterday afternoon was hard, but the evening was good. And today we played the (insert drumroll here) Imperialism Game!!! Belgium and Germany rocked the world.
In other news, I have no other news. It is almost Valentine's Day- a pointless holiday, good only for people who are dating. I have not much use for this particular holiday, but whatever. I want to read but I have no time this week. Zilch. I like reading. I like writing. I like thinking. I'm a rebel. Ha. Not many people think any more. They're too much in a box, too much robots that follow our culture like so many sheep.

Living=rebellion.

...but I like breathing...

Dancing is good for the soul

I realized that I am a romantic. The thing I like is real romance, not false things. Perhaps I am in love with an idea instead of a real thing, but I think romance is real. Romance is not going on dates, going to the movies, etc., but it is deeper. Romance is dancing under streetlights or in fields. Romance is lying in the backyard and stargazing. Romance is going on spontaneous walks and holding hands. Romance is sitting around the fire and laughing until you cry. Romance is being able to be yourself around somebody without worrying what they think.
I want to be able to have romance, not just a boyfriend. I want to be myself and not care. I want summer and stars and sunrises and dusk. I want winter and hoarfrost and cold and fireplaces and to curl up under a blanket and watch a movie. I want fall and colored leaves and basketball and school. I want spring and mowing the lawn and waving at passing cars and saskatoonberries and rain. I don't know exactly what I want anymore. Sometimes I want the ability to forget.
I made up a quote yesterday, it's on the calendar at school. "Love is not a feeling, it's a decision you make whether you're happy or sad, guilty or innocent. You can like someone, but love is choosing to die for them." There's a sparkle in your eyes that's not usually there. And I wish I was the cause.

Make your choice, adventurous stranger, Strike the bell and bide the danger, Or wonder, 'til it drives you mad, What would have followed if you had.

...but I like breathing...

The one thing you can count on...

I love mornings. I love the coldness of the sunrise and the dark fading into the dawn. I love seeing sleepy people walk around town as I with my wide-awakeness meander among them. I love being in town early on a Saturday. I love the chill fog that evaporates after the sun raises its bright eye. I love the hoarfrost that fades into the afternoon. I love the taking off of pyjamas and putting on of clothes. I love the idea of breakfast. I love mornings. Let's go for breakfast sometime.

...but I like breathing...

"It seemed like a good idea at the time"

I have two things to say.
#1. A guy in a yellow truck offered me a ride today. As I was heading to the school, which was about ten yards away, I turned him down. Apperently this guy is named Ray and he is a big creep and I must never accept anything from him. I understand this, most of you have heard it. But I feel sorry for him too. What if he was just trying to be nice? I still wouldn't have taken a ride, I don't from strangers, even in Dalmeny, and generally I walk because a) I like walking, b) I have no other way to get there, or c) when you walk, you run into people, and I like socializing. Anyway, the point was that a) there is a vaguely creepy guy in town, so be careful, and b) I want to learn jujitsu (self defence) from my uncle but I need another girl to learn it with, so if there're any girls who read this who want to learn self defence, come talk to me.

#2. I wrote this the other day.

Would you run away with me
To a place called Home,
and there, would you stay with by my side
Reminding me to remember what was lost
and forgotten.
If I should lose myself there,
Would you look until you found me, huddling terrified under my bed
and comfort me, keep me warm in winter
Here in this foriegn world.
Here.
Would you stay until we find what we're looking for?
We don't know what it is yet,
but we'll know when we find it.
and I think
the irony is that we'll find Home
In the place we left.

...but I like breathing...

The blade between my shoulders

There's blood on my hands.
I think most of it's mine.
We stand and watch cathedrals falling.
Their rubble is their pain.
You realize then you forget what you've been trying to retain.
I don't want to feel consequences, but I want to feel your arms.
My window's thrown open.
The incapability to forget precedes the incapability to regret.
I miss you.
Pens bleed my soul into paper.
A word weaver.
The gift is the curse.
A haunting in the words.
I don't know what I feel anymore.
My life on my hands, at the mercy of the hand on the knife.

I can see your eyes
big and round and haunting
Almost terrified
Almost.
I close my eyes to see yours.

Did you know that it doesn't hurt to cut yourself? At the time. It hurts after, it hurts before. But a smooth silver edge on your skin hurts less than the jagged one buried in your heart.

...but I like breathing...

You bleed just to know you're alive.23.01.2005.

"I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand"

'Perfection bleeds BLACK'
Well, it's been a year to the day and it's funny how time passes. Some days I regret it but most times I don't. In it's own twisted way I have a whole different world open to me, an exclusive one that gives the people in it a different view on life. Perhaps it is that we, in ourselves, are alive. It has given me a chance to relate to people, because I have proof that I've been there, done that.
Was it right? No.
Was it wrong? No.
Would it happen again? I don't know.
It set in motion things that I would change and things that I wouldn't change. It caused my dislike of a certain person and my love for other people. It opens worlds and shuts doors. It makes people judge me but it makes me less judging of people. It's permanent. I scar easy.

...but I like breathing...

Some things are made to be broken

The election's tomorrow and I can't help thinking, if I was old enough to vote, who would I vote for? And the answer that keeps coming back is the communists. Somehow, in my absolute lack of knowledge about politics, that's who I would vote for. Don't ask me to give you reasons, I haven't got any I understand.
Exams start tomorrow too and I have to take it as it comes, I really don't know what else I'll do. I'm good at procrastination.
I have something rather important I want to post but I have to post it tomorrow. So check up on here tomorrow evening and there will be an important piece of information concerning... things.
Alright, folks, I am officially bored and would really like companionship. If anyone out there would care to go for coffee sometime soon please call and I'd be happy to go. My number's 2080. It's a good cause. In hopes of not sounding too desperate, I'm leaving now. See you around.

...but I like breathing...

Does the end justify the means?

Does the good that results justify the sin?

...but I like breathing...

The haunting

"Make your choice, adventurous stranger
Strike the bell and bide the danger.
Or wonder, 'til it drives you mad
What would have followed if you had."
-CS Lewis

"Madness to madmen may be reason,

So which of us is sane,

And which, mad?"

-James Byron Huggins

"I am in blood,

Stepp'd in so far that,

Should I wade no more,

Returning were as tedious as go o'er."

-William Shakespeare

"Death, they say, is the color gray.

The skies are blue... today."

-Dean Briggs

"Once you let go,

You wonder why you held on

For so long."

-Terilyn Block

"We at the height are ready to decline.

There is a tide in the affairs of men

which, taken at the flood,

leads on to fortune;

omitted, all the voyage of their life

is bound in shallows and in miseries.

On such a full sea are we now afloat,

and we must take the current when it serves,

or lose our ventures."

-William Shakespeare

"If you have lost your faith

in love and music

the end won't be long."

-The Libertines

"We made love on the living room floor

With the noise in the background of televised war

And in the deafening pleasure,

I heard someone say,

If you walk away I'll walk away."

-Conor Oberst

"It alls boils down to one quotable phrase:

If you love something give it away."

-Conor Oberst

i had a brother once he drowned in a bathtub before he had ever learned how to talk and i don’t know what his name was but my mother does i heard her say it once, padriac my prince i have all but died from the sheer weight of my shame you cried but no one came and the water filled your tiny lungs appear, my dear, and cry for me it was six years ago today that i laid you in your grave, your sweet young skin was shining then too and so tonight to celebrate i will poison myself another coughing, shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning so i close the door and i rest my head on the tile floor, sickness and sleep turning me cold and i am still not sure, is there some better place i could be heading towards? where the selfishly sick and self absorbed are welcome i saw the future once i was drunk in a phone booth my eyes were wet and red but i could not tell what was said and through the screams of the traffic voices carried saying i am sorry on a day so gray its black inside watching churches on tv in a coma you don’t dream you just hope that someone sits with you babies turn blue when they are ignored like the sky on summer days before you turn and walk away it has changed you so tonight to compensate i will poison myself another coughing, shaking fit in a bathroom that is spinning.

Wishing never did me any good

Yes, this is my second post today. Thanks for pointing that out.
Yes, I am finishing our ice cream. There wasn't that much left though.
Yes, I wish I still lived on Loeppky. I know it sounds stupid, but I want to be able to walk home with my friends more often than when I get lucky and the Fury have practice on a youth night.
Yes, I wish more than ONE FREAKING PERSON would actually invite me to hang out. I'm really sick of doing it all.
Yes, I exist. And I have feelings. That feel trampled right now. I don't want to even write. How sad is that, when I'm rejecting my only outlet?
Yes, I wish that I had more than four friends who actually do things with me when I call them.
Yes, I am feeling very frustrated right now. How could you tell?
Yes, I am lonely. I am also wondering if the title of this blog should not be 'The Art of Killing Teri' because some days that's exactly what you do to me.

My number's 2080. Let's go for coffee. Please.

...but I like breathing...

My soul in the paper

My soul sits on paper
I wonder, sometimes, if this is a talent or a curse
Things pour out here
They have no other outlet
I don't belong
No one notices, no one cares
I don't want to ruin what I have
So scared to take a chance
Locked in a glass cage
I don't want to go back
This is my boat
And I'm so scared of getting out
All I want is friendship
It's just frustrating
I don't feel worth much to you
My soul is in tatters
Would you bother to look?
And if you did, would you
Tear this paper apart and burn my soul
Or hug me?
My soul lives on paper
Scrawled in blue or black blood.

I think we all feel like this at one time or another, I just write it down. This isn't really poetry, just words that mean something. I'm really tired of waiting; patience has never been my strong suit.

...but I like breathing...

We were wannabe rebels

So, second time's the charm, as they say. Yes, today I got my license. And I have a schwack of homework that I am just now shirking to type this. Including a painting. I have to work today, and there's youth tonight. Guess when my homework's gonna get done. That's right, I don't know. And I am getting a poem published in a book. I sent it in to a contest and they picked me to get my poem in a book. Among other people. And I'm most likely going to Philadelphia next summer on a missions trip. So that's vaguely exciting. I need advice. Should I quit work in June, go to Philly, then work at camp throughout August, or shall I go to Philly, work at camp one week in August, and quit in December? I really don't want to have another year of drama, basketball, work, and schoolwork, especially my grade 12 year. So I don't know. Ugh, I want to go home. Listen to music. Eat. Do homework. Ah, well, at least I get paid. I'm off, however, to do my tesselation. Or something. See you all later.

...but I like breathing...

This Thrill

Our record is now 9 and 2. Pretty good, if I do say so myself. Especially since the 2 are both Clavet. We played amazing this weekend. I am so very proud of us. I saw the most extraordinary shot today too. A 3-pointer from across the half line, #3 from the Warman boys was almost at his own 3 point line, and he grabbed the ball, spun around, and shot in the same motion. And scored. On the buzzer, to tie the game. It was bloody brilliant. I don't care that our boys lost in overtime because of it, it was beautiful. The boys did fair this weekend as well, winning their first game and losing the second by 1 point and the third in overtime. I have never seen a basketball game go into overtime before. All in all, this tournament was good.

The hoarfrost is beautiful. It takes my breath away. The sheer amount of silvery white is stunning, add to that the rosy-golden dawn sunrise streaks painting the sky in the morning or the blue-black dusk fading out the simple yet complex result of fog in winter. Wonders never cease to amaze me. Miracles astound. The hoarfrost is beautiful.

"Remind your parents we're tomorrow
Lead with morals and we'll follow
When they wake up they'll see
That youth fades and glory days deceive"

Braids, butter, and Cracker is gorgeous

Happy 2006 Everyone!

Tonight I went to a new year's party at Lance's house; I just got home in fact, and since I have to work at 4:30, I figured it's rather pointless to go to bed. I'll just sleep through church tomorrow, or rather, today. Some things worth mentioning from tonight:
-sledding
-rolling down the hill (I got snow down my pants)
-The Princess Bride (Boo? I thought she said 'brew') (Wasn't he dead? No, just almost dead.)
-Jim Carrey/Bryan
-Alcoholless champagne
-Apples to Apples (perfect men and irritating women)
-Cody and David playing pingpong with their hips

My new year's resolution is... well... umm... I guess I don't have one. Oh well, it probably wouldn't have been kept anyway. In summary, tonight was fun, I'm glad I went. That was the first real new year's party I've ever had. Twas good. And now I think that I shall go eat chocolate and listen to Anberlin and read, or do a puzzle, until I need to go. Always remember, the longer something takes, the more (or less) it's worth. I just made that up. Goodnight.