Coming unglued

They say fire can make a conscience clean, so I was wondering if I would feel better if I burned it down. I was wondering why you are so far away when I need you the most. I was wondering why I am such an asshole. I was wondering if I could burn my skin off so my soul shows through and if you would still love me then. I was wondering how long this will take and if it will happen in time. I am wondering when I'll be able to forgive myself.

My hands are shaking cold

If I could be one place in the entire world right now it would be in your living room. Just talking to you and not having to be anything all night. Where nothing matters and no one cares and I can be so simple and the world can't get at me. And I don't have to be.

There's more to living...

Bigots. You never try to find out what this is like, that's why you hate it so much. The only vibe I get from you is that you're so much better than me. You think you're such a good Christian but you aren't. GET PAST THE FREAKING FACE VALUE. There's so much more that you can't see because you're so wrapped up in what you think it is, even though you're not even close to the truth. You don't know these people. You can't see anything outside of your nice religious box. But then again, I must be crazy. After all, I've gone to a party where there was alcohol. And I even tasted it.

Giving up hurts the most

Why is it so damned hard to find a place I can truly be happy? Why am I trying so hard to find a place called home when is all actuality home is right here where I am? Why do the words you write speak so clearly to me my heart hurts when I hear them? Why do I wait so long for you but you never call so it's never worth it? And why oh why do I keep coming back and thinking maybe this time it'll be different when you so obviously never cared for me in the first place, and all those times were just obligation? I guess it's been too long, one too many nights spent waiting. So it's over then, and all I now have to do is wait for summer, when I can escape to one of the original places I was ever truly content.

I just wanted the assurance that I am still here for a reason, that I'm not crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not losing my mind and remind me of the things I love. Let me know that I haven't lost my mind.

Why do I give up so easily?

Sherbet spigot med kit

Went out job hunting today. Didn't catch any, maybe it would help if I learned to aim when I shoot. All those poor jobs, running around out there and not hanging on my wall as trophies. However, all the places I went to said that they'd keep my resume resume resume resume resumae should be spelled like that and not like resume. Continue. [That was a terrible pun, I love it.] The place I would most like to work at is the butcher shop in Martensville {I seem to be the antithesis of Nicole here} and they seemed to be the least likely to hire me. The place I would least like to work is Tim Hortons and they seemed fairly eager to hire me, all things considering. I also applied at the nursing home here in town and I phoned my neighbor who owns chicken barns to see if he needed someone, but my first choice would be the butcher shop. I have butchered a cow before and it was great fun. A very good skill to have, butchering. Very useful. Good to know after you've shot and bagged a job.

Anyways, "Hey guys, I forget, how old are you when you're fifteen?" Hey, Lindsay?

There is always tomorrow

Now what? There's so many places I want to be and so many people I want to stay up all night talking to and so few of them live in this town.
"I'll close my eyes, just for tonight, the sun still sleeps, and when she wakes... maybe we will find love again..."
As different as we are, it feels so natural to hang out with you, and I'm so happy when I'm with you guys, you make me smile so unlike so many people from here. There's nothing tying me here anymore except school and a few friends, none as close anymore as I wish we were, as we used to be. And a few that I never want to see again but I have to because it's the required thing now, you hang out in the same group so you're supposed to like each other but I'M SO SICK OF YOU and it's all falling out. It's all disappearing, and in a little while it'll all be gone. And there's still so much we never said and so much we'll regret so live it while you have it because soon it will be a memory. And I hate that. Isn't that ironic...

Like drinking liquid nitrogen from a bottle

I'm tired of this. I want to get out and there's no way out. I'm a fool. My head hurts and my body hurts, but my heart hurts worst of all tonight.

Fire can make a conscience clean

So let go of this echo, I have to learn to let go
As long as this is burning I don't know if I can
But just like the song says pour on the gasoline
"Fire can make a conscience clean"
So we'll burn it down and forget
There's so much time left
To one day get this straight and remember maybe forever


Don't ask me the perfunctory questions that you feel you must in order to be polite. I would rather you just said hello than ask me questions you don't even want an answer to, because I can see through you and you don't really care. It's not necessary to go beyond that because you don't know me and you're not trying to know me. An old newspaper clipping is a tiny aspect of me, not the only part, but it's the only part you know so you ask about it, expecting a one word answer, "good", but you won't get that because it's not true, and then you regret asking. I don't want your false curiousity, because you are transparent, and I don't need that.