Old songs with new lyrics

I found some old stuff. I need people to write music for me. I feel like I'm tilting. The world's tilting. I'm gonna fall off.

I’m tired of being so happy and then life happens and there I go again. I’m angry and I know its for a stupid reason and I’m angry anyway. So furious that I stop thinking rationally. I need to grow up and I know it but I don’t do it. Nothing makes sense any longer and all I do is yell incoherently into the muddle, making things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better if I lived in a hole underground; at least then people wouldn’t shout at me. Can I just try life without you always there hovering over my shoulder? What would it be like to live without rules? and there I go again, making the same bloody mistakes over again, but no one seems able to forget. And I can’t forgive myself for what I did. But what can I do about it? At least I can admit I am a stupid idiot. Remembering what you said that night theres nothing I can do. You can’t change the past. But the smallest wounds fester the longest, giving the most pain. like a rock in a shoe. Blistering between your toes. I think out culture has forgotten how to forgive. And give. But theres nothing anyone can do because when the night is over, I’m still awake and writing my story. Asking if I could change the past would my future change as well? Cause I’m still here and though you made me cry I know how hard it is. I didn’t ask to be born but there is nothing I can do about it. Cause I want to live before I die. And when I’m gone there will be no one left to mourn my empty tombstone. The later it gets the longer we are hanging on and I think that that is all we really can do in the end. It doesn’t even matter. The deeper you look into me the more you see yourself in a mirror. Creep.
So I got back from Heritage yesterday and it was... sweet but at the same time sour. I'd love to say I learned a lot but I'm not sure if I did. I'm still sorting out my thoughts. Some things I understand and some I don't. People confuse me, but at the same time I fall in love with them. Fire licks around the edges, there's nothing left to say. I'm not happy with my life but I'm not disappointed in it. I want to walk away and run into your arms. We made a fire and watched it burn. Sparks flew between us but they burned holes in my soul. Wreathed in smoke I'm the color of ash. Vibrant. I no longer know what to think, there's nothing left to be. I miss you and I'm glad you're gone. Sitting here in sackcloth watching you slowly fade into smoke. What can hospitals do? Nothing left. Maybe something right. I would dance to the music in my head, there's nothing left to feel. Drowning in the lake I breathed for the first time in the red pool. I saw beauty but it was a shadow. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm in love with you. And there's no longer any way to pull me out of this sinking sand. Underneath in Thomas' world I met Justin and I laughed.
I fell asleep and watched you stare at me through closed eyes. I’ve been dreaming about this life for so long, now that I’m finally here there’s nothing I can do to rip myself away from it. I hear the same old things over and over and in the next room I hear you screaming from your box. Trapped. Dancing in the sunshine, you rained into me what I thought was love. I think as I’m lying in my bed falling asleep and these words come. If I wasn’t tone-deaf I’d sing a song about you. what do I know of love? What do I know of life? There’s very little words left to fight. And as we go along the moments whisper by like so many shadows, offering the illusion of time to be. Plans all fall apart in the end, and so we die alone, surrounded by people. But the people aren’t where we end up anyways. Clawing to get in you fall off the door only to be yelled at once again and the pain of rejection stings. Days crossed off calendars go by while I wait for it to rain. There’s no one logical for me to love, and then what’s left? Illogicalness. If you could read my dreams on paper then what would you find behind my eyes. Vapor fading away like dust’s shadow, dusk always comes before morning. And unless you turn to watch me fade I’ll be gone before you get back to me.

Alright, sorry that was long but I feel the need to repeat it. Go talk to your grandparents. You'll be surprised how many stories they have. How much I'll miss mine when they're gone. Go ask for a story. "Daddy take me to Grandpa's. Grandpa, tell me a story. I love you."

What part of I is actually me?

Why do you try so hard? Why are you so obviously fake? Why do you need the attention so badly, because you're starting to scare me. Just be natural. Just be yourself.
Let me take my own advice.
I don't like the system. Really. I'm starting to hate parts of school. I hate Grade 6 teachers who know nothing about baseball and rub it in your face. I hate reasons not to go to birthday parties. I hate not being myself. I need something to change. I hate my stubbornness, but I hate giving in. Let me wake up one morning and am, not just live. I want to am. Let me am.

It seems so long ago

When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
I'll get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection
The mask I polish in the evening by the morning looks like shit.

Thanks to several people this past week, for talking until 3 a.m., for chasing me down Wednesday night, and for not telling on me. I don't think I've ever said thank you.
I'm starting to find people fascinate me more and more. I love watching people.

I hate being impatient. But I hate waiting. STOP MAKING ME WAIT!!!
I drug your ghost across the country and we plotted out my death.
In every city, memories would whisper: "Here is where you rest."
I was determined in Chicago but I dug my teeth into my knees
and I settled for a telephone and sang into your machine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.

So now that we're all good with that, we're good. I wish I wasn't crazy. And Doreen Sorenson got manslaughter. That was that case we went to. I'm happy for that. I thought she seemed nice. I didn't want her to get second degree murder. And as a last piece of advice, get off the computer and go for a walk. It's a beautiful day.

Fact not fiction

never forgot the time you made me feel alive
when death was on my mind
or when you held onto me
when the world let me fall behind
you were love to me rather than just a word
a friend was all you were
and it changed my heart
stood next to me through the storm
felt the wounds and kept me warm
something i had never seen before
and i thank you

Open your eyes

My head hurts and my heart hurts. Some days I wonder if I'm blasphemous. Some days I wonder if I'll ever get you out of my head. I need to sleep but I can't. If I do I don't know when I'll wake up. Did you forget or did you simply forget to remember? I don't know but I can't remember. I imagine I'm yelling, but really I'm whispering. I can't move. Cry for my memories but not my regrets. Cry for what's gone and can never come back to tell you another story. I am awake and dreaming, or dreaming that I'm awake. I can't keep my eyes open. Or I can't close them. Write me a song and sing it; maybe I'll wake up. Crazy enough to fall asleep curled up with you. The clouds wrap their misty arms around my soul, and then they carry me off. Don't hold on too tight, or you'll come too. Swallow your darkness. If you look past what you see you might see more than you looked for.
OPEN YOUR EYES.

The darker your dreams

It's a beautiful day, don't let it get away.

It's okay to dream.
It's okay to sit on picnic tables and watch people enter and leave the store.
It's okay to dance.
It's okay to be irrationally happy.
It's okay to bicycle down the same street 8 times in the span of 3 1/2 hours.
It's okay to sing to yourself.
It's okay to not sleep.
It's okay to eat chocolate bars and drink grapefruit juice.
It's okay to watch the sunrise.
It's okay to fall in love.
It's okay to say sorry.

The Art of Killing Charlie

Let go slowly
Smile with your eyes when your mouth is broken;
it'll turn out alright
We can play for keeps or sunrise
the harder you break the faster you heal
Fly away, your dreams are rent
Live breathe laugh love
I hate that I love what I hate.

I finally wrote a rhyming poem I like.

Break your arms, break both your feet
Hold your breath until we meet
Laugh out loud and smile and say
"Funny you should come this way
We've much to do, you and I
You never know until you try
All your dreams are torn and rent
Time and fortune badly spent
Odd that we're together now
Make up rhythm, make a vow
The more you want, or need, to choose
The more you find you have to lose
The closer you get the longer it takes
For healing to come for all of the breaks
So now you're here and can truly see
What part of I is actually me."