Sidenote: my hair smells really good right now.
Something odd happened today. I felt a weird craving. Okay, you say, so what? Well I craved the company of 2 boys. Very different boys, at very odd times. This post shall be, lets say, different. Of sorts. I shall explain.
1. Setting: Teri is running a cross country race, (something she swore she'd never do again, last year, and was still idiotic enough to decide to 10 minutes before we left this year), and is climbing a particularly brutal hill. All of a sudden, for no reason whatsoever, she desperately wants guy #1 to be there with her, offering her his hand and helping her up the hill, and holding hands with her while she finishes the race. Guy #1 is James. James Woodhouse? you ask, wrinkling your nose. No. James Hack. I have no idea why. If you can, please enlighten me.
2. Setting: Teri has come home from youth, eaten nightlunch, and is showering before she goes to bed, for she is a grub. As she is drying herself off after her shower, she sees in her mind herself meeting guy #2 at a hockey rink and running to hug him. Totally randomly. Now she desperately wants to talk to and spend time with this person. Guy #2 is Ryan. Ryan Goetz? you ask, but you just saw him an hour ago. No. Ryan Schmidt. Man, I miss that kid. Weird, eh?
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
So little time to say so much
Lately I've been thinking too much. I have so much I want to do before I die, yet I don't think that there'll be enough time to do everything. I had a funny dream last night. I was playing hockey and then I wasn't and I was on my way to some town but we had to go through Delisle first. To play hockey. And right before we got to Delisle there was this car accident. A guy named Tom had died. The car was burning. He had spent 45 minutes trying to scratch his way out of the glass before he burnt to death. And I volunteered to go tell his parents he had died. So I go to this store and ask for Tom's parents and tell them that there's been an accident. They don't freak out or anything because they know Tom has gone to heaven. But there's this other family there and their son has also died. Harold. Tom was angry and drove over Harold on purpose in a freak accident. Harold went to hell. Tom went to heaven. Then Tom reappears to say goodbye to his family and I'm still there. Then Tom goes outside to be carried off to heaven and the lawn is perfectly manicured and the grass is all green and there's this half-buried hatchet with its head (like the blade) sticking up out of the ground and pointing towards us. So I hug Tom which is kinda awkward cause I've never seen him before in my life and now he's dead, and I say "See you at home," and he says "see you in the evening" and then he's gone. So I go to my hockey game.
Friday, September 23, 2005
I am wet
I've been learning something about love lately. I don't know. Perhaps it is not love, but a lesson. Perhaps love is hidden.
Quote of the day: Teri: "...sex..."
David: "How about... we're in Physics now!"
The other thing I learned worth remembering was in Physics class on Wednesday... but it had absolutely nothing to do with Physics. David will attest to that. (Although he wasn't part of the conversation). We are growing up so fast. Life is changing and we're getting older and I don't know what to do with these new ideas that are coming my way. I remember hanging out at the hockey rink with Jess, Carrie, and Kerri while my dad coached Bantam hockey and thinking that the Bantams were so old and mature and cool. I am now past that age, and we are not old or mature or cool. We're not innocent anymore. There's nothing we can do about growing up, but I'm not sure I want to leave everything behind. I no longer understand. Where did we go wrong, where did things change for us?
Quote of the day: Teri: "...sex..."
David: "How about... we're in Physics now!"
The other thing I learned worth remembering was in Physics class on Wednesday... but it had absolutely nothing to do with Physics. David will attest to that. (Although he wasn't part of the conversation). We are growing up so fast. Life is changing and we're getting older and I don't know what to do with these new ideas that are coming my way. I remember hanging out at the hockey rink with Jess, Carrie, and Kerri while my dad coached Bantam hockey and thinking that the Bantams were so old and mature and cool. I am now past that age, and we are not old or mature or cool. We're not innocent anymore. There's nothing we can do about growing up, but I'm not sure I want to leave everything behind. I no longer understand. Where did we go wrong, where did things change for us?
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Stole this from Steph and Jess
eyes
1 what color are your eyes? blue-gray
2 what color were they when you were born? blue probably
3 what color are your lashes? black
4 do you have bigger pupils than others or smaller? same size
5 have you ever counted the number of times you blink in a second? nope
6 do you wear contacts? no
7 do you wear glasses? no
8 did you ever have eye surgery? no
9 what was the last thing that poked you in the eye? my finger probably
10 can you touch your eyes without flinching or does it just gross you out? it doesnt bother me
11 how often do you look into people's eyes when you talk? most of the time
12 what's your favorite eye color? brown
13 do you ever just go up to someone and look into their eyes because you want to know their eye color? it's been known to happen..im a creep
14 do you wear sunglasses often? never
15 what eye color do you wish you had? one blue eye and one brown eye
16 can you cross your eyes? sure can
17 do you roll your eyes constantly? no
18 what's your favorite color? (yes, your favorite color to look at): black, blue, purple and green
19 what's the prettiest season and why? winter because i like snow
20 who's the hottest or cutest person you ever saw? nick
21 what was the last thing you read (book wise)? the firm
22 who was the last person you wanted to see? haha...yah
23 what was the last thing you watched on tv? ocean's 11
24 do you read the newspaper much? sometimes
25do you read magazines much? not really
26 do you read much in general? heck yeah
27 what's the first thing you see if you look over and past your computer screen? the school bulletin board
28 did you ever see it hailing? of course, has anyone in saskatchewan not seen it hail?
29 don't you hate it when you have sleep in your eyes (like the crusty crap)? i don't really care
30 close your eyes. (after you read the whole question, dummy lol) are there lights still in your lids in with the dark? yes
31 can you sleep with a light on? yeah, but i don't like to
32 how light is it outside? like, midafternoon light33 can you roll your eyes into the back of your head? yes, all the time
ears
1 do you like your ears? yes
2 do you have them pierced? no
3 how many times? none
4 what's your favorite sound? haunting music
5 what's the worst noise in the world? pain
6 are you listening to any music? if so, what song is it: reinventing your exit by underoath
7 what do you hear around you? underoath and library noise
8 what's your favorite song? lesser things by jars of clay
9 can you wiggle your ears? no
10 when was the last time you stuck your fingers in your ears so you couldn't hear something and why? i don't remember
11 do your ears have attached lobes or unattached? unattatched
12 do your ears get red when your embarrassed or any other emotion roars through your body? i don't think so
13 what was the last thing someone said to you? So Teri, you have a blog too? -Danielle
14 is it annoying to get that ringing noise in there? yes its annoying
15 do you hear voices? not usually
16 what was the last thing you heard that you rather didn't? i don't know, thomas' description of the bass at the concert sunday
17 what was the last thing you wanted to hear, but never heard it? i don't know
18 what was the last piece of advice you were given? study! but i don't like studying and have i failed yet? no
19did you ever put a rubber band around your ear? i'm sure i have
20 go and open the door to outside and what's the first thing you hear? dalmeny noise, i'd assume
mouth
1 do you ever stop talking? occasionally
2 who did you talk to last? byron
3 what was the last thing you said? "grunt" if that doesn't count, "yup"
4 did you brush your teeth today? of course
5 how many times do you usually? once or twice
6 who are you talking with now? no one. i'm anti-social on spares
7 who do you wish you were talking to? someone....
8 who was the last person to call you? christine
9 who was the last person you called? don't remember, probably steph
10 who was the last person to IM you? no idea11 who was the last person you IMed? no idea
12 do you talk to yourself? yeah
13 do you mind? not at all
14 the stupidest thing you said in the past 48 hours?i have no idea
15 do you sing? of course
16 do you sing in the shower? no
17 do you sing in public? rarely, i'm completely tonedeaf
18 do you hum or sing while walking down the halls? sometimes
19 are you outspoken? yes
20 are you opinionated? yes
21 do you speak your mind? most of the time
22 how often do people tell you to shut up, jokingly or not? times
23 are you a public speaker type? yes and no
24 do you stutter? sometimes
25how many languages do you speak? one fluently, and i'm a poser french speaker and i'm learning German
26 how often do you scream? whenever i'm frustrated
27 are you loud or quiet? loud
28 does your mouth reflect your personality on the inside? what?
29 who has the coolest/sweetest voice? anyone with an Aussie accent
30 how do you get your voice heard and ideas out? i repeat myself
31 do you often write letters? rarely
32 what was the last song you sang? Dont remember, probably awesome God
33 what's your usual greeting to a friend? morning, *insert name here*!!!
34 what's your usual greeting to an adult? "hi"
35 what's your usually greeting on the phone? "hello?"
36 what's your favorite food? snowball soup
37 what's your favorite gum? cinnamon
38 what's your favorite word? damn, just cause it's 'forbidden'
39 what's your favorite drink? cream soda
40 is your tongue pierced? nope but i want it done
41 do you like tongue piercings?no
42 how about lip piercings? on some people
43 ever have braces, how long?nope
44 do you have a retainer, for how long? no
45 can you curl your tongue? yep
46 can you whistle, on inhale or exhale? exhale, i'm working on inhale
47 do you grind your teeth? i don't think so
48 did you have your first kiss yet and with who? haha no
49 did you ever french?no
50 how many people have you ever kissed? none..besides my parents lol
51 off the kissing subject already... did you ever have a filling? yeah
52 if so, how many? 2
53 how many cavities? 2 or so
54 are you a lip gloss addict? no
55 how about chap stick? no
56 do you like the dentist? NO!
57 do you have all four wisdom teeth? zero, but i can feel them coming
58 ever have any teeth pulled?yes, one
59 how about a root canal? nope
60 go to a mirror and count how many teeth you have. how many? i don't know, theres no mirrors in the library
61 did you lose all your baby teeth yet? yeah yeah
62 if not, how many to go?
63 what was the last thing you ate? banana bread
65 do you bite? sometimes
66 how often do you snap at people? only sometimes if i'm angry enough
67 are your teeth straight? straight enough
68 can you flip you tongue over? no but i can curl it into a 3leaf clover
69 can you snap your tongue really loud?yeah i guess
70 can you pop your lips? yeah, quietly
nose
1 is your nose pierced? no
2 do you like pierced noses? depends on who
3 current scent? the boys staff bathroom at camp, in the back
4 no coke sniffing, right? you know it
5 what about pixi stix up the nose ever? ew no that would hurt
6 do you hold your nose to swim? sometimes
7 can you flare your nostrils? yes
8 do you have freckles on the bridge of your nose? like, 6
10 do you pick it sometimes? (be honest): i have
11 do you push your nose to keep your balance? um...?
12 what's the worst scent? skunk
13 what's the best scent? boys that smell good, rain, and harvest
14 what deodorant do you use? haha i use guy deodarant old spice
15 what's your favorite cologne? whatever smells good
16what's your favorite perfume? haven't got any
17 what do you use? haven't got any
18 does scent matter in the opposite sex (not as in they shower or not but their cologne or perfume)? not really
19 do you blow your nose in public? no, never, except sometimes in school when i've really gotta
20 look around. find a random thing and and smell it. describe it's scent. and then say what it was: no
touch
1 what does you keyboard feel like? a keyboard
2 what's the best feeling in the world (emotionally)? feeling god moving or making someone happy
3 what's the best feeling in the world (physically)? hugs, being in my hammock
4 what's the worst feeling in the world (emotionally)? anxiety, stress, worry, rejection
5 what's the worst feeling in the world (physically)? being sick to my stomach, pounding headaches
6 what do your feet feel like at the moment? sweaty
7 what do your hands feel like at the moment? normal heat
8 what does your head feel like at the moment? good i guess, there's pressure in my ears from these headphones
9 what does your bladder feel like, especially after this? i have to pee
10 what do your legs feel like at the moment? normal
11 what do your shoulders and arms feel like at the moment? fine
12 what does your butt feel like at the moment? kind of numb
13 what does your neck feel like at the moment? normal
14 are you cold? no
15 are you comfortable? not really
16 where are you? the library on spare
17 who was the last person you hugged? probably my mother, or jess
18 who was the last person that pushed you? I have no idea
19 who was the last person that you pushed? daniel
20 when was the last time you fell over? i don't know
21 does music calm you and your nerves? yes
22 if not, then what makes you chill?
23 what stresses you out? being home alone at night when my family is really really late and seeing a police car go by, wanting to do something really bad and not being able to
24 when was the last time you touched a doorknob? this morning
25 do you crack your knuckles?sometimes
26 what's your current emotion? frustrated
27 ever think you were in love? yes, but it was stupid
28 how many times have you fallen for the opposite sex? several times, but not hardcore or anything
29 what's the worst season (in feeling wise of course)? fall, during harvest when everyone's uptight and it's getting cold but i don't want to put on a jacket
30 how do you feel now, after that long survey? stupid
1 what color are your eyes? blue-gray
2 what color were they when you were born? blue probably
3 what color are your lashes? black
4 do you have bigger pupils than others or smaller? same size
5 have you ever counted the number of times you blink in a second? nope
6 do you wear contacts? no
7 do you wear glasses? no
8 did you ever have eye surgery? no
9 what was the last thing that poked you in the eye? my finger probably
10 can you touch your eyes without flinching or does it just gross you out? it doesnt bother me
11 how often do you look into people's eyes when you talk? most of the time
12 what's your favorite eye color? brown
13 do you ever just go up to someone and look into their eyes because you want to know their eye color? it's been known to happen..im a creep
14 do you wear sunglasses often? never
15 what eye color do you wish you had? one blue eye and one brown eye
16 can you cross your eyes? sure can
17 do you roll your eyes constantly? no
18 what's your favorite color? (yes, your favorite color to look at): black, blue, purple and green
19 what's the prettiest season and why? winter because i like snow
20 who's the hottest or cutest person you ever saw? nick
21 what was the last thing you read (book wise)? the firm
22 who was the last person you wanted to see? haha...yah
23 what was the last thing you watched on tv? ocean's 11
24 do you read the newspaper much? sometimes
25do you read magazines much? not really
26 do you read much in general? heck yeah
27 what's the first thing you see if you look over and past your computer screen? the school bulletin board
28 did you ever see it hailing? of course, has anyone in saskatchewan not seen it hail?
29 don't you hate it when you have sleep in your eyes (like the crusty crap)? i don't really care
30 close your eyes. (after you read the whole question, dummy lol) are there lights still in your lids in with the dark? yes
31 can you sleep with a light on? yeah, but i don't like to
32 how light is it outside? like, midafternoon light33 can you roll your eyes into the back of your head? yes, all the time
ears
1 do you like your ears? yes
2 do you have them pierced? no
3 how many times? none
4 what's your favorite sound? haunting music
5 what's the worst noise in the world? pain
6 are you listening to any music? if so, what song is it: reinventing your exit by underoath
7 what do you hear around you? underoath and library noise
8 what's your favorite song? lesser things by jars of clay
9 can you wiggle your ears? no
10 when was the last time you stuck your fingers in your ears so you couldn't hear something and why? i don't remember
11 do your ears have attached lobes or unattached? unattatched
12 do your ears get red when your embarrassed or any other emotion roars through your body? i don't think so
13 what was the last thing someone said to you? So Teri, you have a blog too? -Danielle
14 is it annoying to get that ringing noise in there? yes its annoying
15 do you hear voices? not usually
16 what was the last thing you heard that you rather didn't? i don't know, thomas' description of the bass at the concert sunday
17 what was the last thing you wanted to hear, but never heard it? i don't know
18 what was the last piece of advice you were given? study! but i don't like studying and have i failed yet? no
19did you ever put a rubber band around your ear? i'm sure i have
20 go and open the door to outside and what's the first thing you hear? dalmeny noise, i'd assume
mouth
1 do you ever stop talking? occasionally
2 who did you talk to last? byron
3 what was the last thing you said? "grunt" if that doesn't count, "yup"
4 did you brush your teeth today? of course
5 how many times do you usually? once or twice
6 who are you talking with now? no one. i'm anti-social on spares
7 who do you wish you were talking to? someone....
8 who was the last person to call you? christine
9 who was the last person you called? don't remember, probably steph
10 who was the last person to IM you? no idea11 who was the last person you IMed? no idea
12 do you talk to yourself? yeah
13 do you mind? not at all
14 the stupidest thing you said in the past 48 hours?i have no idea
15 do you sing? of course
16 do you sing in the shower? no
17 do you sing in public? rarely, i'm completely tonedeaf
18 do you hum or sing while walking down the halls? sometimes
19 are you outspoken? yes
20 are you opinionated? yes
21 do you speak your mind? most of the time
22 how often do people tell you to shut up, jokingly or not? times
23 are you a public speaker type? yes and no
24 do you stutter? sometimes
25how many languages do you speak? one fluently, and i'm a poser french speaker and i'm learning German
26 how often do you scream? whenever i'm frustrated
27 are you loud or quiet? loud
28 does your mouth reflect your personality on the inside? what?
29 who has the coolest/sweetest voice? anyone with an Aussie accent
30 how do you get your voice heard and ideas out? i repeat myself
31 do you often write letters? rarely
32 what was the last song you sang? Dont remember, probably awesome God
33 what's your usual greeting to a friend? morning, *insert name here*!!!
34 what's your usual greeting to an adult? "hi"
35 what's your usually greeting on the phone? "hello?"
36 what's your favorite food? snowball soup
37 what's your favorite gum? cinnamon
38 what's your favorite word? damn, just cause it's 'forbidden'
39 what's your favorite drink? cream soda
40 is your tongue pierced? nope but i want it done
41 do you like tongue piercings?no
42 how about lip piercings? on some people
43 ever have braces, how long?nope
44 do you have a retainer, for how long? no
45 can you curl your tongue? yep
46 can you whistle, on inhale or exhale? exhale, i'm working on inhale
47 do you grind your teeth? i don't think so
48 did you have your first kiss yet and with who? haha no
49 did you ever french?no
50 how many people have you ever kissed? none..besides my parents lol
51 off the kissing subject already... did you ever have a filling? yeah
52 if so, how many? 2
53 how many cavities? 2 or so
54 are you a lip gloss addict? no
55 how about chap stick? no
56 do you like the dentist? NO!
57 do you have all four wisdom teeth? zero, but i can feel them coming
58 ever have any teeth pulled?yes, one
59 how about a root canal? nope
60 go to a mirror and count how many teeth you have. how many? i don't know, theres no mirrors in the library
61 did you lose all your baby teeth yet? yeah yeah
62 if not, how many to go?
63 what was the last thing you ate? banana bread
65 do you bite? sometimes
66 how often do you snap at people? only sometimes if i'm angry enough
67 are your teeth straight? straight enough
68 can you flip you tongue over? no but i can curl it into a 3leaf clover
69 can you snap your tongue really loud?yeah i guess
70 can you pop your lips? yeah, quietly
nose
1 is your nose pierced? no
2 do you like pierced noses? depends on who
3 current scent? the boys staff bathroom at camp, in the back
4 no coke sniffing, right? you know it
5 what about pixi stix up the nose ever? ew no that would hurt
6 do you hold your nose to swim? sometimes
7 can you flare your nostrils? yes
8 do you have freckles on the bridge of your nose? like, 6
10 do you pick it sometimes? (be honest): i have
11 do you push your nose to keep your balance? um...?
12 what's the worst scent? skunk
13 what's the best scent? boys that smell good, rain, and harvest
14 what deodorant do you use? haha i use guy deodarant old spice
15 what's your favorite cologne? whatever smells good
16what's your favorite perfume? haven't got any
17 what do you use? haven't got any
18 does scent matter in the opposite sex (not as in they shower or not but their cologne or perfume)? not really
19 do you blow your nose in public? no, never, except sometimes in school when i've really gotta
20 look around. find a random thing and and smell it. describe it's scent. and then say what it was: no
touch
1 what does you keyboard feel like? a keyboard
2 what's the best feeling in the world (emotionally)? feeling god moving or making someone happy
3 what's the best feeling in the world (physically)? hugs, being in my hammock
4 what's the worst feeling in the world (emotionally)? anxiety, stress, worry, rejection
5 what's the worst feeling in the world (physically)? being sick to my stomach, pounding headaches
6 what do your feet feel like at the moment? sweaty
7 what do your hands feel like at the moment? normal heat
8 what does your head feel like at the moment? good i guess, there's pressure in my ears from these headphones
9 what does your bladder feel like, especially after this? i have to pee
10 what do your legs feel like at the moment? normal
11 what do your shoulders and arms feel like at the moment? fine
12 what does your butt feel like at the moment? kind of numb
13 what does your neck feel like at the moment? normal
14 are you cold? no
15 are you comfortable? not really
16 where are you? the library on spare
17 who was the last person you hugged? probably my mother, or jess
18 who was the last person that pushed you? I have no idea
19 who was the last person that you pushed? daniel
20 when was the last time you fell over? i don't know
21 does music calm you and your nerves? yes
22 if not, then what makes you chill?
23 what stresses you out? being home alone at night when my family is really really late and seeing a police car go by, wanting to do something really bad and not being able to
24 when was the last time you touched a doorknob? this morning
25 do you crack your knuckles?sometimes
26 what's your current emotion? frustrated
27 ever think you were in love? yes, but it was stupid
28 how many times have you fallen for the opposite sex? several times, but not hardcore or anything
29 what's the worst season (in feeling wise of course)? fall, during harvest when everyone's uptight and it's getting cold but i don't want to put on a jacket
30 how do you feel now, after that long survey? stupid
Monday, September 19, 2005
I have 3 titles for this post...
1. It's 11:11 pm and my life is laid out before my eyes
2. Moonlight streaming through the window...
3. Excruciating Joy
The moon shines through the window and I can feel your presence. So happy tonight I’m about to die. The fire burns ever higher, licking away at my sores. I cried out to You tonight and You heard me, and I prayed for you tonight and He heard me.
Tonight I went to a evangelical meeting, in a bingo hall of all places. On 20th street. ‘twas eye-opening. We sang some songs first and ended with
Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom power and love
Our God is an awesome God
And after that a guy got up to speak and there was a lot of hallelujahs and amens and Todd Bentley, some famous speaker, was supposed to be there but he was stuck in Chicago, which I thought was hilarious, so this other guy spoke and he talked about how God ate with sinners and didn’t bother with the rich and proper folk. How God will always come in if you ask Him and sometimes He invites Himself. And afterward a bunch of people went to the front and accepted Christ, which was really cool, and then the most interesting part. Healing. You heard me. People went up and got prayed over and all sorts of things happened. There were people lying on the ground and kneeling and the laying on of hands and getting healed. There was one guy on the stage and he said that God had shown him that there was someone in the audience who had come in with a sore ankle that hurt them all the time and sure enough there was a little old lady who had come in with a hurting ankle and she stood up and it was gone. The best thing was when the guy on stage said ‘there’s someone here tonight who’s thinking about suicide. You’ve come in thinking that if something doesn’t happen you’re going to kill yourself. God wants you free from those thoughts. Come up on the stage.’ And this boy about in his teens goes up on stage. The guy had described him exactly right. It was really cool.
2. Moonlight streaming through the window...
3. Excruciating Joy
The moon shines through the window and I can feel your presence. So happy tonight I’m about to die. The fire burns ever higher, licking away at my sores. I cried out to You tonight and You heard me, and I prayed for you tonight and He heard me.
Tonight I went to a evangelical meeting, in a bingo hall of all places. On 20th street. ‘twas eye-opening. We sang some songs first and ended with
Our God is an awesome God
He reigns from heaven above
With wisdom power and love
Our God is an awesome God
And after that a guy got up to speak and there was a lot of hallelujahs and amens and Todd Bentley, some famous speaker, was supposed to be there but he was stuck in Chicago, which I thought was hilarious, so this other guy spoke and he talked about how God ate with sinners and didn’t bother with the rich and proper folk. How God will always come in if you ask Him and sometimes He invites Himself. And afterward a bunch of people went to the front and accepted Christ, which was really cool, and then the most interesting part. Healing. You heard me. People went up and got prayed over and all sorts of things happened. There were people lying on the ground and kneeling and the laying on of hands and getting healed. There was one guy on the stage and he said that God had shown him that there was someone in the audience who had come in with a sore ankle that hurt them all the time and sure enough there was a little old lady who had come in with a hurting ankle and she stood up and it was gone. The best thing was when the guy on stage said ‘there’s someone here tonight who’s thinking about suicide. You’ve come in thinking that if something doesn’t happen you’re going to kill yourself. God wants you free from those thoughts. Come up on the stage.’ And this boy about in his teens goes up on stage. The guy had described him exactly right. It was really cool.
Friday, September 16, 2005
I miss you
My life seems to be full of "I" right now. I want... I want... I want... What does God want? I need to focus more on that, I think. I need to search after God and care less about myself.
I've been writing songs without music and the fire within me burns down slowly as I wait for you to come back again.
Steph had a really good point about this on her blog, about relationships. And I don't understand my own life, how can I miss someone I haven't seen in so long?
I've been writing songs without music and the fire within me burns down slowly as I wait for you to come back again.
Steph had a really good point about this on her blog, about relationships. And I don't understand my own life, how can I miss someone I haven't seen in so long?
Thursday, September 15, 2005
Things happen
I fell asleep and watched you stare at me through closed eyes. I’ve been dreaming about this life for so long, now that I’m finally here there’s nothing I can do to rip myself away from it. I hear the same old things over and over and in the next room I hear you screaming from your box. Trapped. Dancing in the sunshine, you rained into me what I thought was love. I think as I’m lying in my bed falling asleep and these words come. If I wasn’t tone-deaf I’d sing a song about you. what do I know of love? What do I know of life? There’s very little words left to fight. And as we go along the moments whisper by like so many shadows, offering the illusion of time to be. Plans all fall apart in the end, and so we die alone, surrounded by people. But the people aren’t where we end up anyways. Clawing to get in you fall off the door only to be yelled at once again and the pain of rejection stings. Days crossed off calendars go by while I wait for it to rain. There’s no one logical for me to love, and then what’s left? Illogicalness. If you could read my dreams on paper then what would you find behind my eyes. Vapor fading away like dust’s shadow, dusk always comes before morning. And unless you turn to watch me fade I’ll be gone before you get back to me.
Monday, September 12, 2005
Feels Like Rain
So I got back from Heritage yesterday and it was... sweet but at the same time sour. I'd love to say I learned a lot but I'm not sure if I did. I'm still sorting out my thoughts. Some things I understand and some I don't. People confuse me, but at the same time I fall in love with them. Fire licks around the edges, there's nothing left to say. I'm not happy with my life but I'm not disappointed in it. I want to walk away and run into your arms. We made a fire and watched it burn. Sparks flew between us but they burned holes in my soul. Wreathed in smoke I'm the color of ash. Vibrant. I no longer know what to think, there's nothing left to be. I miss you and I'm glad you're gone. Sitting here in sackcloth watching you slowly fade into smoke. What can hospitals do? Nothing left. Maybe something right. I would dance to the music in my head, there's nothing left to feel. Drowning in the lake I breathed for the first time in the red pool. I saw beauty but it was a shadow. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm in love with you. And there's no longer any way to pull me out of this sinking sand. Underneath in Thomas' world I met Justin and I laughed.
Quote of the day: Yankee!! Y is for Yankee!! -Brennan
Quote of the day: Yankee!! Y is for Yankee!! -Brennan
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Heritage Tomorrow!!!!!!
I'm so excited but at the same time...
I’m tired of being so happy and then life happens and there I go again. I’m angry and I know its for a stupid reason and I’m angry anyway. So furious that I stop thinking rationally. I need to grow up and I know it but I don’t do it. Nothing makes sense any longer and all I do is yell incoherently into the muddle, making things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better if I lived in a hole underground; at least then people wouldn’t shout at me. Can I just try life without you always there hovering over my shoulder? What would it be like to live without rules? and there I go again, making the same bloody mistakes over again, but no one seems able to forget. And I can’t forgive myself for what I did. But what can I do about it? At least I can admit I am a stupid idiot. Remembering what you said that night theres nothing I can do. You can’t change the past. But the smallest wounds fester the longest, giving the most pain. like a rock in a shoe. Blistering between your toes. I think out culture has forgotten how to forgive. And give. But theres nothing anyone can do because when the night is over, I’m still awake and writing my story. Asking if I could change the past would my future change as well? Cause I’m still here and though you made me cry I know how hard it is. I didn’t ask to be born but there is nothing I can do about it. Cause I want to live before I die. And when I’m gone there will be no one left to mourn my empty tombstone. The later it gets the longer we are hanging on and I think that that is all we really can do in the end. It doesn’t even matter. The deeper you look into me the more you see yourself in a mirror. Creep.
I’m tired of being so happy and then life happens and there I go again. I’m angry and I know its for a stupid reason and I’m angry anyway. So furious that I stop thinking rationally. I need to grow up and I know it but I don’t do it. Nothing makes sense any longer and all I do is yell incoherently into the muddle, making things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better if I lived in a hole underground; at least then people wouldn’t shout at me. Can I just try life without you always there hovering over my shoulder? What would it be like to live without rules? and there I go again, making the same bloody mistakes over again, but no one seems able to forget. And I can’t forgive myself for what I did. But what can I do about it? At least I can admit I am a stupid idiot. Remembering what you said that night theres nothing I can do. You can’t change the past. But the smallest wounds fester the longest, giving the most pain. like a rock in a shoe. Blistering between your toes. I think out culture has forgotten how to forgive. And give. But theres nothing anyone can do because when the night is over, I’m still awake and writing my story. Asking if I could change the past would my future change as well? Cause I’m still here and though you made me cry I know how hard it is. I didn’t ask to be born but there is nothing I can do about it. Cause I want to live before I die. And when I’m gone there will be no one left to mourn my empty tombstone. The later it gets the longer we are hanging on and I think that that is all we really can do in the end. It doesn’t even matter. The deeper you look into me the more you see yourself in a mirror. Creep.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Can I spontaneously combust now? T'would make such a lovely change
I’m tired of this. Really I am.
Can there be no more new kids? Please?
I’m so tired of this ongoing cycle. I try so hard to be part of a group, to actually feel as though I have friends, and just when I feel “Oh look there are people who love me” BANG there it goes. The frustrating part is that when there are new kids they are accepted in to the “inner circle” quote unquote way faster than I have ever been. Cause I’m not in the inner circle and have never been. It would be nice if my friends would actually call me and try to arrange something where they want to hang out with me, which by the way hasn’t happened since the last time I ranted about this on here. I feel like such a pest, but I get so tired of finding out about movie nights and pit fires and just generally hanging out after its all over and here am I spending my evening alone again. But don’t if you don’t want me there. I’m just saying, kindly don’t forget me next time, cause I’m so tired of people we barely know becoming better friends with my best friends than I am after like, a week than I have in my whole life. I don’t think that made any sense, but that is my rant of the time.
So if anythings driving you to remember any of this, I am still here and I do have feelings. And I know what its like to be forgotten, always.
Just in case. Thanks for listening…er…reading.
Can there be no more new kids? Please?
I’m so tired of this ongoing cycle. I try so hard to be part of a group, to actually feel as though I have friends, and just when I feel “Oh look there are people who love me” BANG there it goes. The frustrating part is that when there are new kids they are accepted in to the “inner circle” quote unquote way faster than I have ever been. Cause I’m not in the inner circle and have never been. It would be nice if my friends would actually call me and try to arrange something where they want to hang out with me, which by the way hasn’t happened since the last time I ranted about this on here. I feel like such a pest, but I get so tired of finding out about movie nights and pit fires and just generally hanging out after its all over and here am I spending my evening alone again. But don’t if you don’t want me there. I’m just saying, kindly don’t forget me next time, cause I’m so tired of people we barely know becoming better friends with my best friends than I am after like, a week than I have in my whole life. I don’t think that made any sense, but that is my rant of the time.
So if anythings driving you to remember any of this, I am still here and I do have feelings. And I know what its like to be forgotten, always.
Just in case. Thanks for listening…er…reading.
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