I don't know exactly where I am

I just wanted to be happy...

I thought I always wanted a boyfriend, I mean, who doesn't? It's normal, right? And then I got a chance to have one and I realized I don't really want one. Well, actually, I do, but I can feel God telling me to wait, because He is courting me right now and I have no time for boyfriends. Which is kind of cool because He's right. And it all worked out in the end and I'm happier just being friends, because then there's no pressure and nothing weird is happening. I'm sick of couples anyway, I don't think I want to join their ranks quite yet. It's comfortable this way. Besides, as I said already, couples annoy me.
Strange how life works, you know, always thinking you want something and then finding out you don't want it after all. Sometimes because there's something so much better out there and sometimes then you realize that now you have this big gaping hole and you're like, well, now what? (Which is a different topic for those of you who actually followed that statement.)
I also realized I would never be happy in a 9-5 job. I mean, I would hate it. Even if it was a job I liked, a routine like that would be the death of me. I need a job that's not ordinary, something that I would love, something out of doors but not ridiculous, something that could require travelling but wouldn't make me leave my family for long periods of time, because I want a family. What is my life going to be like after this year? It's almost like I'm relying on my routine to get through the year but it's not what I want. And to top it all off, it's too cold to run.

It's so amazing here...

If you could live the rest of your life thinking on what could have happened, you'll never notice life banging on your door and saying, “Look what's happening now!”

You can't change what's past but you can react to what's now instead of living in the past.

Be real before it's too late.

“So let go and jump in,
You'll be alright,
Because there's beauty in the breakdown.”

“Life's so amazing here”

You make me want to scream. I don't know what to say to you. I care about you so so much and this is just hurting you and we both know it. But there's nothing I can do and it's way beyond me now. You're just too damn stubborn to see how you're hurting yourself. It frustrates me to no end to see this, and to have to sit back and watch, knowing there is nothing I can do. I'm not denying I have my own problems because we both know what I've done. We both knew better and we're still scarred forever, so please snap out of it before you lose to something that was never real in the first place. It's consuming you and I hate so much to sit helplessly by.

I want to write about my courtship but somehow it seems this isn't the time to do it. I will say this, however: I am being courted and it is the most amazing feeling in the world, because I'm realizing that if someone can know me so well and still love me, well, he's amazing. (I'm more glad than ever we both chose like we did, because otherwise my life would be so messed up right now, and I have to say I'd never be like this if we had chosen that, and this is so much better than that could ever be now.)


..today I love breathing...

I still want to hold hands

"Have you ever had an impossible crush... like on someone who's dead?"

"Maybe it was angelfood cake!"

Seriously, I love you guys. We are the most Mennonite people ever. I mean, Thiessen, Falk, Pauls, Klassen, Siemens, Foth, Kessler, Funk, Wiebe, Wall, Block, Friesen, Braun, Quiring, (Nickel, Hango, Jeschke, Freistadt). Menn-o-nite. We are the most amazing group ever and I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world.

You say all the right things

Funny, isn't it, how God works things out in the end. There's so much I didn't have to worry about because God just took care of it all. I'm happier, I think, than if we would have chosen differently. I'm learning to be patient and wait on God's timing. I'm also learning to trust God, I guess, and follow what He says even though it's not what I want exactly, but in the end it's exactly what I want. I'm content now, I think. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you say all the right things even when you're not trying to. So I'm officially not dating right now and that is perfectly fine with me, better than alright.

Someday I will win a spitting contest though. I will work on it until I can win.
So I am happy now, happy not dating, happy because it's a long weekend and I have homework up to my ears and I am doing things with friends I haven't seen in a long time, and things with friends I have seen not that long ago, and in between. If I have one regret, though, it would be that I still wanted to hold your hand.
I'm off, have a very merry weekend. Leave a comment, I like comments. Auf wiedersehen.

Magic

Where am I?

School needs to be over, I'm tired of certain teachers, I'm tired of homework, I'm tired of not knowing what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm just tired, and living for weekends and weeknights. I guess my priorities are backwards, but I don't really care. It's echoing sentiments of a lot of us, that this is all going down when there's nothing we're doing and we could be doing everything to change it.

"I'm waiting for the breakdown..."

I've got your back if you've got my hand

Open mouth, insert foot.
Or even better, open foot, insert mouth.

Why is this so difficult? Seriously, you're making this a circus. But you're pretty much screwing yourself over because I'm happy with the way things are. I don't think they could get any better than they are right now at this point. It's pretty much exactly what I wanted, without my having to ask, so yeah, I like this. You also make me laugh because you're not really obvious or anything. Not a coincidence. I find you hilarious.

Physics should die. I don't get it and then when I'm actually paying attention and I think I did alright on an assignment I get a whole 50%. Right. That's real encouraging. Thank you.

If anyone at all still reads this they should leave comments. Even if you're a creeper and I don't know you you should leave a comment because I like comments. It adds some excitement to my "dreary" life. Haha. Get it? I didn't really think you would.

And to end, I've been having weird dreams lately. There's generally recurring places, places I have dreamed about years ago and forgotten about until I dream them again. And then you wonder how much of your waking life is a dream and how much of your dreams are real.
"I think it's kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."