Addict

"The winds of change forever blow, some things stay and some things go..."
I guess you were one of those things that go. One of the things I thought I was okay with but now apparently I'm not. I wish you were one of the things that stay. But maybe only for now, because I won't next week. I hope. For some reason I always give in. ALWAYS. As much as I hate myself for it it happens. Because I keep thinking maybe next time it'll be different.
Knowing what your addictions are and hating them does not stop you from giving in to them time and again. Although one is worse here and the other is worse there, they are still addictions and I still know I am addicted. And though I want help I don't.
"You will not be forgotten, but now that you're gone, the heartache lives on."

Too young to die, to old to live

I'm in a weird mood. There're things I want that I haven't wanted in a long time and I don't actually want them but I seem to think I do. Perhaps it's the music I've been listening to of late. It reminds me of a time in my life that I would like to go back to. But you can't go back. I don't know if I really want to or if I'm just being nostalgic. It was a good time. I don't like growing up anymore.
I have found a place that I think I belong. It feels more like belonging than home ever did. Then the question arises, "Where is home?" This place, or rather, these two places, are far more comfortable and far more accepting of me than Dalmeny ever was. It was strange being in church today. I haven't been in that church in two and a half months. It felt wrong, I couldn't focus myself. That was mostly my fault, but I feel almost suffocated here. Like, there are a lot of people who seem to care but don't actually. There are a bunch that do but there are lots that I don't want to talk to as well. They're just asking surface questions, that or I'm not comfortable enough to go deeper with them. I'm ready to go back to Bethany now.
The other thing I've become painfully aware of is my own mortality. I could die at any time and it's surprising how easy it would be. I'm starting to see pain and see problems I've never recognized before. And it's painful. Life is painful. Growing up is painful. Loss is painful. And somehow we grow and live and love and survive, and I don't think we could ask for more because this is beauty and this is life. It's like blood... beautiful and painful and significant and symbolic. Red.

Hope

We're not really crying for you
But for the things you'll never do
The people you'll never meet
The food you'll never eat
The places you'll never see
The character you'll never be
You'll never get to date or drive
As if you would were you alive
Somehow, it's not fair
This love you'll never share
All those things you wanted to try
All we can do is cry
As the year rolls on around
There's your body in the ground
And now you'll never grow up
But this pain will always show up
Although there's relief in where you've gone
I don't understand how we'll move on
Anguished we scream, "Why, God, why?"
Because all we can do is cry
I can see you smiling now
And crease the furrow in your brow
Look at us and laugh and say,
"Don't worry, I'll see you again one day."

I miss the sun

There's a heartbeat in my fingers
There's a buzzing in my head
This feeling never lingers
But it's something never said
There's a hunger in my body
There's a yearning in my heart
This desire holds so strong
And it's tearing me apart


I was reminded of my own mortality today; my brother's friend was in a car accident and died this afternoon. He was 15. There were six boys in the car and the other five are in the hospital. They were all in high school. My brother had a conversation with this fellow a couple days ago, over msn, but still, a conversation. He was at camp this summer, him and my brother were in the same cabin, that's how they knew each other. And now he's dead. It's not fair. They say God gives and God takes away, and it's true, but that doesn't lessen the searing pain that makes one wish for death. I am not feeling it but I am sure the family is, and his friends. Leaving us to ask why. What if that was one of my friends? Lots of people were on the road yesterday and today, going home from school. Lots of people are driving to a basketball game every day. Why does this boy have to die? Why must we hurt so?

Watch your back

Tired. Inspired. Exhausted. Frosted. Jaded. Complicated. Confused. Amused. Calling. Stalling. Ready. Unsteady. Pain. Insane. Outside. Alive.

I'm a massive mess right now and I don't know what's going on, but it's alright. Everything's gonna turn out alright. I don't understand but maybe, just maybe, that's okay. I think I know something I probably shouldn't, but that just makes me laugh. I think perhaps I am learning something I should know, which makes me glad and terrified at the same time. Sleep is lacking and 3 a.m. no longer seems late. Hockey games make me feel energized; I love them. I also saw the worst movie ever last night. It was terrible, not even funny, with the most pointless, stupid plot line I've ever heard of. There was 30 people in a basement, that made me think of home and how that was only me on my birthday. Somehow things are different here. I've come to some conclusions and had some thoughts, and decided I am both impatient and content. I am also a lot colder and a lot warmer. I saw someone today that had hurt me and I was not expecting to see them. It threw me, because I have forgiven them but the pain was fresh in my mind for some reason and I was slightly upset; I did not show it, but we also did not speak. I'm missing people in both directions of my life, but less of an outsider now. I have learned what my addiction is, and now I just must learn how to escape it and how to cope. Somehow I can only face myself at night.