Smile or frown

You know I'll love you either way.
I'm so glad we met and that we're friends now.
The thing that scares me the most about growing up, about graduating and leaving this town, is the fact that I won't be able to keep all my friends. Somewhere along the line we'll drift apart and I'll lose someone. It will invariably happen, you can't keep that many people when you're not forced to be together, like in school. Or people you don't get to see all the time like people from camp that don't live nearby. You lose friends you never wanted to lose. Letters don't work because people don't write back. Our lives have gotten too busy, too electrickized to sit down and actually write a letter, not type it. It's more fun that way, and more satisfying to read. But that's not the point. The point is that it's a scary prospect when you leave school to lose the people you've grown up with, especially when there's nothing you can do about it.

If you write me a letter I swear I'll write back. Then maybe we won't lose each other.

*screams*

Swift comes danger, they run fleet
Where sudden death and body meet
The stars can fall; the sky will sing
Why do we do this to you
Why do we never see
I don't think you can help it
Our comments cut and we never know it
You're bleeding inside but you never show it
It's the simplest things that hurt the most
I don't know how to fix it before all is lost
How do you take it
I don't understand it
Where these comments cut like knives
Until somewhere inside
It's all you can do to pretend it's okay
And in our stupidity we never realize
It's never okay
It's never right
And then tonight
I know it's foolish but I'm crying for what we stole
But maybe it's not too late
To take this pot of ashes and turn it into a bag of gold



What have we done? What right do we have to turn up our noses at you because you are no different from the rest of us and we never realize that. I hate my own stupidity I hate my lack of ability to stand up against what I see I hate that all we ever see of you is one thing because we're too high and mighty to look past that.

Now what?

I'm sore.
And frustrated.
It seems like I can't do anything right. I mean, I'm in Grade 12 here, and I'm pretty much the sole third line on the basketball team. And I AM trying. I'm trying as hard as I know how. I'm running fast and hard, and I try harder whenever Dave yells "harder". I seriously don't know what else to do. I want to go to Hoopla so badly, but I want to play in it too. Really. I get impatient sitting on the bench, although I'd rather be on the bench than not on the team at all. But it is my last year. The other thing is that I cannot do pushups, or make foul shots. I am trying but it just doesn't work for some reason. It is so so so frustrating. My body does not know how to do pushups and it's so embarrassing because I'm honestly trying and I look like a freak and I'm so darned slow at them. So what else do I do?

Some days it's so hard not to be jealous of you...

You make me smile

Life seems to have decided to be ironic lately. I mean, something'll happen and then I'll find the perfect song for how I'm feeling the next day.
Last night I went to a caroling thing at the church. It was great fun, especially eating the food afterward, but that's not the point. What stuck out the most was these four little grade one girls who sang a song. They were still at the age (obviously) where no one cares whether you can hit the notes or not, they just got up there and belted out the song. It was probably the highlight of the evening, and it made me think, why can't we still do that? Why is it that every time I sing people shun me, simply because I can't hit the notes? I love to sing. If I was six years old it wouldn't matter, but why does it now?

You fake it and I follow you right in

I'm really tired of this and of always fighting with you. Even when I swear I won't lose my temper it's gone within minutes when we argue. I don't understand you, I guess I'm not supposed to, but why can't I just accept it? Why are we both this stubborn and it always goes back and forth until I forget what I've promised myself minutes before. It's as frustrating as it can possibly get. I just want to get out of here; I just want to escape from this place at least for a little while.
I have heard the sweetest voice ever, and when that voice sings his own music my jaw dropped and I was glad of who I was sitting with otherwise I probably would've fallen in love.

Some days it's hard not to be jealous of you.