For Jana #2

It hurts sometimes to let it go
Falling hard in ways we can't know
Fitting in to lose again
It's one of those things we can't explain
Waiting now it hurts the most
For all those songs are from the past
And though the ocean's beautiful
It never had anything on you
Life was good but now it's cold
But they never promised easy
No, they never said I'm sorry
So the faintest strains of "I love you"
Trickle through the noise
Until tears fall with the sound
Of everything inside
And everything goodbye
Wishing it wasn't so
Wishing it didn't hurt to let it go

Knowing is still hard

I wish I belonged somewhere. I belong here. I wish I felt like I belonged somewhere.
I wish I belonged with you, but that's not mine to say. I wish you'd say it.

FIRE!!

1)We light up our lights to hide the night
Till the night has an eerie glow
We do not see the strange beauty
Of the starshine here below

The stars are alive
Though hiding inside
And the night is bright
With the fire behind
The sky.

And the darkness waits
And the darkness rests
In the savage romance of the air
With the lights that we hide to cover our fright
At the beauty ignored spinning there


2)The fire in the sky is red
It dances cloudy o'er my head
The fire underground is white
And brings to men things of delight
The blood is running through my hands
Dark red to brown against it stands
The things that are, we often hope
Are hiding there, just out of scope
The fire can bring them to light
Coming out of darkest night
And though these things seem to be fair
A lot more pain is hidden there


3)It seems sometimes that we may dream
Hearkening to things unseen
And every now we have to wait
These appetites we cannot sate
Heralding the things to come
When I no longer leave alone
And though the time is not yet nigh
Soon 'twill be, and then I'll fly
And there on the ground, in a wonderful way
Will be all the things I have yet to say
It seems sometimes that we may rise
Leaving away across star-filled skies


4)Everything's going to be alright
Though it doesn't seem like it tonight
And when everything comes crashing down
The hope that's left seems it will drown
Though they say "The time was right"
It doesn't feel so, this long dark night
I wish so much that we had more time
Even to listen to this last sad rhyme
We stand and we sit, we hope and desire
For in death there is life, and in night the fire


5)Her addiction slowly comes
And manifests itself
In ways she can't forget
She wishes she could remember
The time before the laughter
And not what followed after
'Cause when the poison fills her veins
It runs straight to her brain
To eat her, to leave her alive
She resents it, but she needs it
She can no longer live without it
Nothing else is worth anything
But that one touch, and that one strain
So she covers her self with her sleeves
And goes, her eyes twitching violently
Waiting to be caught
To be told to stop
But it doesn't come 'cause she's alone
She shuts herself away
Because nothing is okay
She can hate it but she can't fight it
She can no longer hide it
The war within shows on her skin
In smooth red trenches
Landmines and scars
And dirty blades that come with pain
She's forgotten how this started
Or what match set off this fire
But now she's down and recalling
The bliss of the forgetting
And sets to bring the destruction
All over again

Everybody's been there and I don't mean on vacation

Must I always be torn in two? Faced with going back to Saskatchewan, I am really excited for school and holidaying, but I don't want to leave here. I feel more like I belong in Calgary than anywhere else at the moment, regardless of my lack of friends and anything to do. Regardless of the fact that I spend a heck of a lot of time on the computer because I am lazy. I'd like to live here more permanently. It was hard to leave especially the JLYS and the people there. I love them to pieces, and I wish I had more time with them.
I'm a cheap drunk. If it was a more permanent amnesia I'd consider getting more drunk more often, but as all it seems to do is make me both meditative and louder it's not much good for a regular habit, those are things I don't need to do. It's the forgetting I want, and that's not permanent or perhaps possible with me. Oh well. Let's not make a habit of this, either way. But I don't want to go back, either. I don't belong there anymore. If I ever did.

Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God

There are days I am excited to die.
I made the mistake of mentioning this at work today. The girls called me a freak. Again. One pointed out that suicide is wrong, and wishing for it is not any better. I said I wasn't interested in killing myself. That desire has been gone from me for a very long time. She said wishing someone else will kill you isn't any better. I said I do not wish to be killed. I merely am excited to die. Sometimes. It is completely different. They did not understand.
It is not death itself I yearn for, it is being complete. Being with God. Belonging somewhere, at long last, in awe of my Creator for eternity. It is this aspect of death I desire. Freedom from the relentless endless struggle of following Christ, for it is far more difficult now than ever before to do the things I wish to do, and what I do not want to do, I do, while that I long to do I cannot. Therein lies the wondrous grace of God. It is hard to live like I ought, with these strong desires raging inside me, and this tendency to addiction I fight every day, knowing that I shouldn't be doing something even as I do it. The desire to forget is powerful. Death would finally defeat it. I'm not in a hurry to die, for I want to live my earthly life out first, I want to love and be loved, to marry and have children, to be passionate about God with everything I have and am. It is like CS Lewis said at the end of The Last Battle, "Term is over, the holidays have begun. The dream is ended, it is morning." I look forward to death as one would look forward to a holiday at the seaside, except that it is endless and each day more wondrous than the last. Why does this yearning for heaven brand me a freak? Lewis also said something about "since there is nothing to fill our desires in this world, obviously we were made for another world." Longing for another world, a true home and belonging, does in no way diminish the passion I have for this life, for this love. Maybe making it "easier" is not the right reason to desire an end to this life, but I also would wish to understand better the awesome glory of God. I do not understand it at all. I do not praise Him enough. I do not love Him like I ought. Giving all to Him is such a struggle. It should not be, but I am earthly still, and it is. Meeting my Maker and hearing Him say, "Well done, my child" is something we should all yearn for. "My child"!! What powerful words.
Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

You make it look so easy

Apparently it is abnormal to carry on conversations with the radio, one's cat, or oneself. Also, most people do not comment on seemingly obvious things, like the fact that it is raining or that the sky is very blue and the grass very green. I wish they would have told me these things years ago. It might have saved much trouble. However, I no longer mind being thought of as simple, or slightly stupid. I am older now, and set in my ways. There's nothing wrong with being considered crazy.

Playing devil's advocate

They want me to be like them
but I can't afford it
and I've forgotten how
But I would give myself to you
if you would show me how
and help me sleep at night
I would be vulnerable for you
the days I forget to remember
not to be
Of all the nights to lie awake
it sucks to lie alone
when to give up would mean I am like them
I've forgotten not to be

Call this living

Blessings come in strange ways.
In a way I'm running and in a way I have stopped running. Can I finally face my demons?
What am I running from?
The things I regret
The things I should regret and don't
The things I've done that I'm ashamed of
The things I've done I should be ashamed of and am not
The things I want to forget and can't
The things I don't want to remember
The people I should forgive and can't
The people that have hurt me
The people that I want to care about me and don't seem to
The people I care too much about
The places I want to be
The emotions I don't want to have
The fact that I don't understand normal people
The fact that I don't understand myself
The fact that I don't know how to handle things
The fact that I think I'm in love

We go hand in hand

I'm contemplating how I would explain my desire to be a normal person, in case someone ever asks.
To fit in without giving up the thing that makes me me.
To follow the trends without wondering where they are taking me.
To feel like I belong somewhere in a people sense of the where.
To be able to look past the pain instead of being distracted by it and wanting to help it.
To understand why people "need" cellular telephones and little blue cards that let them spend more money.
To ignore the savage beauty of the city.
To speak in words normal people use, instead of long unknown ones and abstract ones.
To have lost the childlike simplicity I somehow managed to keep.
To not see the "obvious" as something fascinating.

Of course, I don't actually want to lose what I am, but sometimes I wish I could understand the way other people think. Sometimes I wish I was normal, but the wish doesn't go deep. Otherwise I would be a clone and I wouldn't understand the loneliness of the hills and the savage beauty of the city, the brilliance of the sunset and the beauty of Tristan, the pain in the commercialism and the hopelessness of the materialism.
How did I avoid becoming a brand name facebook picture?

Let it rain, let the fire fall

I think I want another tattoo. Or two. This summer maybe? We'll see. Perhaps in the line of work I want to get into tattoos will be more an asset than a liability. They are good conversation starters, especially when they mean something. And I'm okay with that. Apparently inner city volunteering only exists on Thursdays in this town. That's okay. I'm stoked for helping out at the JLYS in two weeks. I'm also excited for what we're planning next week. My faith is becoming my own, but it is so much harder to live out than it is to say that I follow Christ. I guess that's called growing up. When God is the one thing I cling to because everything else is fallible. When without Christ I'd be dead already. When faith is slowly fighting to become the most important thing in my life. But dang it's hard. They say it's worth it though, and boy it is. I'm more than my Mennonite town made me. And I don't think I can go back anymore. But maybe we never could. Maybe that's the purpose of the thunderstorm.

No fixed address

I'm ready to be done work already. I'm ready to go home. The thing is, I am home. I have no doubt that this is where I am supposed to be. Enough things have happened to erase any questions in my mind. Either this is it or God is working through it anyway, in which case, this is it. I look forward to going to church here. I feel included in the church here. Unlike at home. I did not belong to that church. Maybe that was my own fault. But it's nice to be able to start over, in a place where I don't have a past and no one has any reason to ignore me yet. The pastors here have not betrayed me yet. Although I don't really know them and they don't really know me, so they really can't. Maybe I'm running from traditional church. Maybe traditional church is upside down anyway. Maybe relationship is more important. Maybe it's actually all about Jesus Christ, and knowing him. Maybe it's about relationship. Maybe the traditional ritualistic compartmentalized institution we call church has it confused. Maybe it's not all about the money and more about the trust. I'm ready to let go. I think. Either way, living here is the right place to be, and maybe I'll come out of this understanding more and knowing less.

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
(Lifehouse)

I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

I don't want to be in love with you. It's distracting. I can't do this alone. And praying about it is hard because I want it to go away and yet I don't. I can't tell what God wants. Maybe I can and I don't like the option, so I'm ignoring it. Unfortunately, ignoring things you know and yet don't like does not make them go away.
Go listen to “Spent on Rainy Days” by Bright Eyes. And then listen to “Happy Birthday to Me” (see lyrics). And then “Lua”. Actually, go buy his Noise Floor album. Unless you have an aversion to... darker lyrics.
I hate Carolina right now. We should have won. We need to win sometime.
I want a black and white girl kitten. Her name will be Tristan and she will live in my room with me. Because I am lonely and I miss my cats.
Also, I've been eating these strawberries and crème cookies like candy. I buy them because they remind me of my dead grandmother. I want to be a grandmother. Preferably before I'm 50.

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Fool's overture

Sometimes I contemplate telling you something that would screw over everything but sometimes I have such a hard time holding it in. Some things are too important to ruin. The thing is, I do feel this way.

The ever-present question [until we 'figure it out']

Teri: I have absolutely no desire to ever ever go to university.
Aunt: Well then, what do you want to do with your life?
*pause*
Aunt: You want to get married and have babies.
Teri: Yes, I want to get married and have babies. I want to love people. I want to use the computer less and have better relationships instead. I want to help those that are hurting. I want to read books and write stories. I want to go for walks and plant gardens. I want to get mail and I want to send mail. I want to raise my children. I want to forgive others and myself. I want to be forgiven. I want to drive my car and ride horses. I want to get more tattoos and use them to tell stories about God's faithfulness. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. I want to wake up and see the sunrise. I want to see parts of the world. I want to remember the people I meet, and have them remember me. I want to play hockey every now and again. I want to dream. I want to bleed. I want to dance in the rain. But most of all, I want to love God with all of my being. And none of these things require "higher" education. [Or facebook.]

You belong with me

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Sometimes I wish that lots of people felt the same as I do, but then I take it back. I would not wish this on anyone else. Some people would go insane. I think that the only reason I am not is that I already was a little crazy.
There are lots of real hills here and on top of some of them you can see mountains. They are very pretty. I like to look at them. They are very tall, and are blue with white tops. Sometimes there are clouds on top of them. There is no flatness here and you cannot see the sunset as well when there are big hills. When I drive north, there is one point when I can see the whole city skyline, and the whole south side of the city laid out before me. It is also beautful, but it is a different beautiful than the mountains. They are both breathtaking, just in different ways. I live in a really cute one room apartment above my aunt and uncle's garage. Garage almost spells gargle, which sounds like gargoyle. There are no gargoyles here. Just wind, which makes sounds like gargoyles. It is a nice place to live. Sometimes the hills feel sad. The sadness of the hills gets in my blood, and I feel it like a restless toxin running up and down my body.

Coming and going

I'm leaving tomorrow I guess. It feels kind of surreal. I know I can't stay here but there's a part of me that wants to because I'm scared of going. Things are going to be new and different. And hey, it's only for 4 months. I can handle that. Besides, this is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and I am looking forward to it. It's time. It's like knowing I can't go back to camp; as much as I want to go, it's not the right place for me. I have to move on. As much as I love the place, staying there would be wrong. It would be bad. Sometimes people tell me not to close doors, not to say with finality that I am not going back, but those people are being stupid. I have to close those doors, because if I don't, the temptation to walk through them again is strong. It's easier to have them closed, where they tempt me less and the force that I heave them shut with swings open other doors. I know when things are right. Camp is not one of those things, and probably never will be again. And I'm okay with that now. I'll come home when it is time again to go home.

Sometimes I'm terrible

Sometimes I'm impatient, and
Sometimes I'm terrible
Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, and
Sometimes I don't care
Days like this I feel selfish, because
Days like this I want you
(more specifically, your body, or
more specifically, your hands and face)
Sometimes I'm cold, and
Sometimes I'm crazy
I think that desire is frustrating, and
I think I don't like myself tonight
Which is why I feel a hypocrite, and
Which is why I want you to want me anyway



This poem is not about who you think.
Sometimes I'm base.

Could I get you off my mind, this time?

When asking where God is in all this, one is left with one of two conclusions. Either He is not here at all or else He is very much here, in every part of this. I opt for the second one. If the first were true, life would be absolutely hopeless and I would kill myself. I have to believe that He is here, He is sovereign, He loves me, and He has a plan. Otherwise where would I be? Dead, probably, or else so screwed up I might as well be. I am never so sure God exists as when I struggle with these impossibilities. With the fact that my faith is a paradox. That I could not live without it.
Jenni and I have lots of good conversations. We had one the other night and in it she said something that I have been thinking over. When Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden, one of the things God cursed Eve with was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. How does this relate to me? Well, I find that it is very hard to put God ahead of a boy in my life. We're not married (obviously), we're not even dating. I merely like this boy. And I have such a hard time putting God first. I'm working on it, I pray about it a lot. But it is very frustrating. Why should I care so much about this boy? He did not create me. He does not love me unconditionally and forever, so much that he would die to save my soul. Why do I focus on the wrong things? Why is so hard to focus on the right ones, the ones I know are true? Why can I feel like I'm in love with a boy and not feel like I'm in love with God? I want it the other way around, but I don't know how to get there.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I'm excited to die. Not now. Don't worry. I wouldn't do anything to speed the process along. But Heaven will be wonderful, and I can't wait to get there. I want to see people again. And [almost] everyone will be there. This is where it becomes imperative for me to share my faith. In order for people to be there, they have to follow Christ. It's kind of the main point of life. Although back to the point, death would be easier. Because then I don't have to try so hard to live for God and fail all the time. Grace and forgiveness are awesome things. Without them I would be screwed over. But it would be so much easier to not have to try all the time to live my love for God, when I struggle with knowing that love. It's this sense of helplessness, that all I can do is depend on Him because I cannot do it alone.
I guess that's where I'm at. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

Tell me in my dreams

I'm procrastinating doing homework right now... I thought of something I wanted to say on here the other day and I didn't right it down so now I've forgotten what it was. I got an email today from someone who worked at camp with me two years ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. It was a mass email telling me that unless I sent it on I would poop my pants often until I did so. I didn't send it on. I deleted it instead. I also keep getting update emails from some guy I've never heard of. I don't open those ones. I delete them.
I've been looking at the sky a lot lately. It's very big. It's very beautiful. It's very lonely and sad in a hauntingly beautiful sort of way.
Knowing what I am [God willing] going to do this summer is nice. It's weird to know that I'm not going back to camp ever. I mean, I love camp. It was my favorite place in the world for a long time, but that time has ended. The places I'm called to are not camp. It's strange to realize that yes, lots of my friends are going to be at Redberry this summer, and I will be somewhere else entirely. No visits this summer. As much as I love it, that chapter has ended. Everywhere I ever thought I wanted to live turned out to be the opposite of what the deeper part of me wants. All the things I loved I still love, yet I know there are things I love more. And God is gracious. It's funny, I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and I have no idea how that will turn out or where I'll end up. Not a clue. It's better this way. I have no choice but to go where He sends me. He's faithful. Even when I'm an idiot, He's faithful. How did I end up serving the one true God, when the chances of me even existing are less than infinitesmial, and yet obviously I do exist? Why does He love me so much? Why do I have so much trouble with everything? To be where I want to be, I have to give up so much. If I give it to You, will You give it back? I know the answer, yet it's still so hard.

Bruised knees (two poems)

Feeling both nothing and feeling too much
It's belonging that kills you but unbelonging cuts
With your hold in this tide, you will never be free
At least, that's what they keep on telling me
I'm not part of your world, it was never the same
We only pretended it was, for a short time, and came away changed
You belong to yours, and I belong to mine
When did we start walking this very thin line?
My world is Nowhere, a place I can't comprehend
While you live in Somewhere, you and all our friends
Because I live in Nowhere, you often forget about me
And I won't cross to Somewhere, unless I'm invited, you see
“Not belonging anywhere, but that's terrible,” you say
But then you laugh and turn and go off on your way
You comment and you listen, but you don't seem to care
It's better than I'm used to, you used to point and stare
I don't know where I belong yet, if indeed it's anywhere
Sometimes I can't help crying out, “Life really isn't fair!”
I don't know where I belong yet, or whither there I'll stay
But when Death he comes to claim me, I'll gladly go his way



I wonder, sometimes
If the way that I miss you
Shows in my eyes
And if, on the days I forget
Who I'm talking to,
The way that I love you is felt in the room

I know well I love you
I've known for a while
Since you came home alive
I mean, I had warned you, don't die

I wonder, my friend,
If one day we'll be more
When I see you again
And if, when the days pass on by
You'll remember the time
We said goodbye