Could I get you off my mind, this time?

When asking where God is in all this, one is left with one of two conclusions. Either He is not here at all or else He is very much here, in every part of this. I opt for the second one. If the first were true, life would be absolutely hopeless and I would kill myself. I have to believe that He is here, He is sovereign, He loves me, and He has a plan. Otherwise where would I be? Dead, probably, or else so screwed up I might as well be. I am never so sure God exists as when I struggle with these impossibilities. With the fact that my faith is a paradox. That I could not live without it.
Jenni and I have lots of good conversations. We had one the other night and in it she said something that I have been thinking over. When Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden, one of the things God cursed Eve with was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. How does this relate to me? Well, I find that it is very hard to put God ahead of a boy in my life. We're not married (obviously), we're not even dating. I merely like this boy. And I have such a hard time putting God first. I'm working on it, I pray about it a lot. But it is very frustrating. Why should I care so much about this boy? He did not create me. He does not love me unconditionally and forever, so much that he would die to save my soul. Why do I focus on the wrong things? Why is so hard to focus on the right ones, the ones I know are true? Why can I feel like I'm in love with a boy and not feel like I'm in love with God? I want it the other way around, but I don't know how to get there.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I'm excited to die. Not now. Don't worry. I wouldn't do anything to speed the process along. But Heaven will be wonderful, and I can't wait to get there. I want to see people again. And [almost] everyone will be there. This is where it becomes imperative for me to share my faith. In order for people to be there, they have to follow Christ. It's kind of the main point of life. Although back to the point, death would be easier. Because then I don't have to try so hard to live for God and fail all the time. Grace and forgiveness are awesome things. Without them I would be screwed over. But it would be so much easier to not have to try all the time to live my love for God, when I struggle with knowing that love. It's this sense of helplessness, that all I can do is depend on Him because I cannot do it alone.
I guess that's where I'm at. I'm tired of saying goodbye.