I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

I don't want to be in love with you. It's distracting. I can't do this alone. And praying about it is hard because I want it to go away and yet I don't. I can't tell what God wants. Maybe I can and I don't like the option, so I'm ignoring it. Unfortunately, ignoring things you know and yet don't like does not make them go away.
Go listen to “Spent on Rainy Days” by Bright Eyes. And then listen to “Happy Birthday to Me” (see lyrics). And then “Lua”. Actually, go buy his Noise Floor album. Unless you have an aversion to... darker lyrics.
I hate Carolina right now. We should have won. We need to win sometime.
I want a black and white girl kitten. Her name will be Tristan and she will live in my room with me. Because I am lonely and I miss my cats.
Also, I've been eating these strawberries and crème cookies like candy. I buy them because they remind me of my dead grandmother. I want to be a grandmother. Preferably before I'm 50.

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Fool's overture

Sometimes I contemplate telling you something that would screw over everything but sometimes I have such a hard time holding it in. Some things are too important to ruin. The thing is, I do feel this way.

The ever-present question [until we 'figure it out']

Teri: I have absolutely no desire to ever ever go to university.
Aunt: Well then, what do you want to do with your life?
*pause*
Aunt: You want to get married and have babies.
Teri: Yes, I want to get married and have babies. I want to love people. I want to use the computer less and have better relationships instead. I want to help those that are hurting. I want to read books and write stories. I want to go for walks and plant gardens. I want to get mail and I want to send mail. I want to raise my children. I want to forgive others and myself. I want to be forgiven. I want to drive my car and ride horses. I want to get more tattoos and use them to tell stories about God's faithfulness. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. I want to wake up and see the sunrise. I want to see parts of the world. I want to remember the people I meet, and have them remember me. I want to play hockey every now and again. I want to dream. I want to bleed. I want to dance in the rain. But most of all, I want to love God with all of my being. And none of these things require "higher" education. [Or facebook.]

You belong with me

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Sometimes I wish that lots of people felt the same as I do, but then I take it back. I would not wish this on anyone else. Some people would go insane. I think that the only reason I am not is that I already was a little crazy.
There are lots of real hills here and on top of some of them you can see mountains. They are very pretty. I like to look at them. They are very tall, and are blue with white tops. Sometimes there are clouds on top of them. There is no flatness here and you cannot see the sunset as well when there are big hills. When I drive north, there is one point when I can see the whole city skyline, and the whole south side of the city laid out before me. It is also beautful, but it is a different beautiful than the mountains. They are both breathtaking, just in different ways. I live in a really cute one room apartment above my aunt and uncle's garage. Garage almost spells gargle, which sounds like gargoyle. There are no gargoyles here. Just wind, which makes sounds like gargoyles. It is a nice place to live. Sometimes the hills feel sad. The sadness of the hills gets in my blood, and I feel it like a restless toxin running up and down my body.