Just a figment of your imagination

I had a dream last night, and in the dream was a reoccuring place, a place I've been in my dreams before. A place I've been many times. There were police in their room, a room we could see from the picnic tables outside their window. The police were the brothers of my friends. Their room was close to this place, this room, in my dream. And we were there, but we were not going to stay there. We had dressed up to go out. But we never did. It was waiting, waiting, waiting for something that you wake up for before it happens. There were other people in the dream. Friends, people I know quite well. They were trying to stab me in the head. I don't know why.
This place that was in my dream, this reoccuring room, is one of two rooms behind rooms that I have never seen but I have seen in my head many times. The other one is in the church, behind the stage and up. Some girls live in that one. It looks very comfortable. The one last night is in a big building, like an office building or something. Only one storey though. Behind the offices and stuff, if you keep going, there are some rooms, some bathrooms and closets and things. But if you open one specific door there is a house, all open and laid out and really really nice. I go there occasionally but I never get to stay. There is a third place I go sometimes in my head, down in our basement, except there is a sub-basement and a room below that yet. And there there are people and a bathroom and some other stuff. In the ground there. But these places, I don't think any of them exist, except in my head.

Remember me?

Excuse me please. Sorry. Just let me by. I'm an addict, just looking for my next fix. If you know where I could find it, would you let me know? Thanks. It's within reach, actually. If I really needed it I could stretch out my arm and grab it. But I'm trying to quit. It's not working very well. Only grace keeps me going. Don't stare at me like that. Please look away. Hey, I know you! Remember me? What happened here? It's not my fault. Okay, it is. Partially. I didn't have to give in the first time. But you drove me to it. Relentlessly. It's your fault too. You could have done something. What's that? You didn't know? Of course you didn't. I hid it well, at first. But you did realize something was wrong, you just didn't do anything about it. That's a lie. The things you did do, you shouldn't have done. It's the things you should've done that you didn't do. Funny that we run into each other now, all this time later. See what I've become? A broken, filthy, hurting, addict. Quit staring at me. Oh, you want me to stop telling you this. What's the matter, feeling guilty? That's a first. It's a surprise you feel anything, really. Are you embarrassed? All dressed up with all your fancy friends, on your way somewhere important and here I am, dirty, bumping into you and soiling your precious look. Your friends are all surprised that you would know someone like me, even deign to glance at my face. I forgot, your important now. Remember what we used to be? Remember your past? Remember what life was like back then? Different from now, wasn't it. Way different. Our places could have been so easily switched. But you got lucky and I got hurt. It's funny, running into you like this. I have new talents now. New things to boast about, and none of them include a big house or a fast car or a lot of money. Rather, a big record and a fast body and a lot of needles. Surprised? You shouldn't be. You set me on this course. What have we become? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to continue on your way with your comfortable life and forget about the person in the alley or are you going to change the world?

It'll fade

There's a song called "Borders and Time" by the Rankins. They sang it last January in concert here and it's on their North Country CD. This is how it goes:
I think of you all the time
I'll pay for my sins The hearthache begins
I can't free you from my mind
It seems so these days
I've tried every way
You have drifted so far from me
The winds of change
Have swept you away
Night and day
It seems like eternity
Borders and time have kept you from me
Blue are the ocean waters
Along a lover's shoreline
You will not be forgotten
But now that you've gone
The heartache lives on
A warm breeze blows over a gentle sea
The summer is near,
The heartache is here
The fiddler plays an old time melody
The tune is the same
Change the faces and names
Blue are the ocean waters
Along a lovers' shoreline
You will not be forgotten
But now that you've gone
The heartache lives on
Oh borders and time
The heartache is mine

Have I even got a home? If so, may I find it?

Missing you already

I hit the ditch on Circle Drive on Friday night, or rather, very early Saturday morning. A tow truck randomly showed up and pulled me out. The weather was very bad that night. I got to Joeline's house at 1:30 in the morning, after not being able to find it, and then I cried. And then it was better, and I had a great evening. We had a sleepover with about 25 people, mostly in the living room area. We went home for brunch in the morning. School is over now and I'm home in Dalmeny, but I already miss my home in Bethany. I miss the people and the atmosphere and the community. Even (dare I say it?) the classes. Next year it will be different. There will be different people and people won't be there that I will want to be there. It won't be bad, just different. I love too easily, and then it hurts when I lose. But I refuse to stop loving.
This summer I'm working in Saskatoon, with my dad, at the flour mill. No camp for Teri. Which I am becoming okay with, slowly. I'm called to the city, I've realized that lately. That's the rest of my life. And I can't do that at camp. It's still hard but it's getting there. There's joy in the brokenness.
There's a song by Newsboys, who I generally don't like, that I love. The chorus goes "It's all God's children singing 'Glory Glory Hallelujah He reigns'" and it's true. He does reign. There's another song by Aaron Shust which is amazing, called My Savior My God. And these are the lyrics:
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God: He is
My God is always gonna be
Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior loves
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God is always gonna be

Sounds good but tastes terrible

There are two cures for my life. Homework is not one of them. Hockey is. Horsebackriding is the other. Neither of them are very easy. Kids' club is probably the highlight of my week. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the week is pretty good too. But school is over in less than 3 weeks and then it is summer holidays. And that is tearing me up inside. How do you make a choice when one thing you love but the other thing would make more logical sense? And God says pick the logical one, but you don't want to? How do you come to terms with having done it anyway?