I'm in a weird mood. There're things I want that I haven't wanted in a long time and I don't actually want them but I seem to think I do. Perhaps it's the music I've been listening to of late. It reminds me of a time in my life that I would like to go back to. But you can't go back. I don't know if I really want to or if I'm just being nostalgic. It was a good time. I don't like growing up anymore.
I have found a place that I think I belong. It feels more like belonging than home ever did. Then the question arises, "Where is home?" This place, or rather, these two places, are far more comfortable and far more accepting of me than Dalmeny ever was. It was strange being in church today. I haven't been in that church in two and a half months. It felt wrong, I couldn't focus myself. That was mostly my fault, but I feel almost suffocated here. Like, there are a lot of people who seem to care but don't actually. There are a bunch that do but there are lots that I don't want to talk to as well. They're just asking surface questions, that or I'm not comfortable enough to go deeper with them. I'm ready to go back to Bethany now.
The other thing I've become painfully aware of is my own mortality. I could die at any time and it's surprising how easy it would be. I'm starting to see pain and see problems I've never recognized before. And it's painful. Life is painful. Growing up is painful. Loss is painful. And somehow we grow and live and love and survive, and I don't think we could ask for more because this is beauty and this is life. It's like blood... beautiful and painful and significant and symbolic. Red.
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