There and back again

You think I'm insane; I think you're weird. To you I'm just a problem, but you don't know what the solution is. You think I'm breaking all the rules on purpose but the truth is that I don't even know there are rules. So go ahead, get mad. It's not my fault. I don't specifically want to be here. God does though and therefore I am here. In fact, there's places I'd much rather be. I wish I could have it all. But that might ruin the joy of the parts that I do have. It might take away the pain of not having the parts I so desperately wanted. Why am I here when I want to be somewhere else so badly? Why do you want me here, of all places? I mean, there are the nights I love, the nights I wouldn't trade for anything, and there are the few glimpses into possible reasons, but there's still a huge part of me that yearns for other things. Places where I felt at home more than anywhere else in my life. Places I realize that I will probably never live again. And a part of me is okay with that and part is not yet. I think it will become okay though, in time. It's hard but no one said it wouldn't be. Some days I wish I could just go home. If I could find it.