Ich liebe und ich hass

Funny how it is- you can love someone and hate them at the same time. There’ve been people in my life where I thought we were friends and then BOOM! Something happens and they hurt you so bad that you can’t go back to how it was before. Even if you tried to, and forgave them and asked them to forgive you for being mad at them. And you never find out why they did what they did. So I don’t know what I’m expecting from this, I want to be friends but I don’t know how.

A thing I’ve learnt lately is blessing come in small packages. Rainbows. Full moons. Orion coming out. Bobcat lights in the fog. Every morning I wake up to go to work at 4, God sends me some sort of small present, like huge northern lights or a really pretty starry sky. Sometimes its even something in the barn, like two cats sitting curled together or a newborn calf. I think that people who never wake up at 4 am miss a lot of beautiful things. Sunrises streaking the eastern sky. The lights of a sleeping Dalmeny spread across the land for anybody to see, if only they would look.

I’m really excited for basketball to start. I want to have tournaments and over night tournaments and practices and games and memories. It’s the memories that make it. And not always the memories of playing either. Sometimes its sitting on the bench watching. Or going for lunch as a team. Or Lacey dancing in Willie’s huge jacket. The things that make life are your memories.

I woke up this morning with a lyric running through my head. “I realized I need you, and I was wondering if I could come home.”

Open Windows in Winter

Eating crabapples lying here in the dark
Christmas lights cast eerie shadows across my skin
Music in the background haunting my already troubled dreams
Open windows in winter
The cold in here is stifling
You can sit, stay, talk
In the end we’ll listen to each other
While around our feet phantoms dance in shadow

The hour grows late, the clock seems to stop
Neither of us wish to close this window
The cold swirls around us
We can’t break this spell
The lights are flickering out, dying
The darker it gets the more open this window slides
Background music echoing the pain you already feel
This table covered in the things you hate

Morning comes softly, to find
Us still together in the darkness of this room
Windows wide open in winter
Curled together for relief
From this painful cold, this aching heart
Neither of us knows what to say anymore, still reeling from this
This night of listening, to your heartbeat
And this exhilaration of opening windows in winter