I don't care what everyone was laughing at

"I don't know what everyone was looking at
I don't care what everyone was laughing at
I don't know what everyone was staring at
But I think, I think that it's me"

I think that the more I want something these days the more God says to me, you don't really need that as much as you think you do, so I won't give it to you as you'd like it. Be happy with what you have and don't always go asking for more. It is frustrating. We all know that I am not the most patient person around, and as such I hate waiting, especially when I really really want something. But what's in my head is not necessarily in my heart, and if it is in both then it is not necessarily in God's plan for me. Because it's not happening and there's not much I can do about it anymore. Already, I'm annoyed that I even have to try. So what do I do besides pray? And when you tell me to pray it's still annoying because that's what I have been doing. This sounds almost blasphemous because I'm not the good Christian who prays over everything, and my prayers are mostly selfish anyway. But still, I wish someone would come up with a better answer than 'pray about it'. It sounds so wrong to say but I'm tired of praying about this and yet I know it's not the time for it to happen yet. So let's get on with this God. I've told you time and again that I want to do this before the world ends, so what's wrong with starting now? Even though I still am in high school, I'll be out in four months. It's not like no one else has done it. It's not even like I'm starting exceptionally early, in fact compared to some people I'm actually late. I do like what I've got but is it such a sin to want more? In fact, is this such a unique frustration?Not really but I tend to think it is simply because I am selfish. I want this but I want it now and not in God's timing, so it comes down to can I have it now but not for long or can I wait on God and take a chance that this could possibly be forever? And I know which one I want more but it still depends on God and other people and my new realization of how much patience I can actually have.
"He made them run as fast as they could, before they had been running as fast as they thought they could, which is not quite the same thing."
Oh, how I wish it was summer.