Going home

Going home.
I've been going home a lot lately. The trouble is, home is always in a different place. Camp ended today. I will miss the people there. Bethany starts in 9 days. In 9 days I'll have moved out of the house. I will miss the people here. Let's go for coffee before I move. Let's just hang out. There's a week in which I'm doing nothing.
There are so many stories from camp and now I don't feel like telling any of them. Ask me sometime. It's a beautiful thing and as much as one loves it it is so good to be home, or what is home for a little while longer. What has been home my whole life until now.
What's going to happen to me now? I have to face the fact that I've grown up. I'm not a little girl anymore. It is a terrifying thought that I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in a year. I guess that's where you learn to rely so much on God, where you really haven't the foggiest notion of where you're going to be.
I haven't cried all summer. Well, I did a little bit, but that's because one of the girls in my cabin became a Christian. They were happy tears. I have this desire to cry, but I can't. Wedesday, this last Wednesday, was a bad day. One of only two bad days I had all summer, but still, I was frustrated. When you want to cry but you just can't, it is not a good thing. Feeling, emotion, being moved to the point of tears, used to come so easily, especially at camp. Now there's nothing.
Perhaps it is when you turn to God when there's nothing, no feeling, when you don't feel Him moving, that He is actually working in your life. When you feel Him, it's like a spiritual high, you know, like everyone says, camp's a spiritual high or whatever. I didn't get that this year. I tried, I really did, but nothing happened. Maybe it's better that way, because God still worked wonders this summer.
We hit a deer on the way home tonight. She jumped out in front of us and we schmucked her good. After we stopped I went to see if she was dead. She wasn't, she was just lying in the ditch, like she had decided to settle there for the evening, very peacefully. Her head was up and she looked at me. And then I cried. And then I went running back to the truck and we backed up and my daddy hit her over the head with a board so she was dead so she didn't hurt anymore. Because we broke her and although we couldn't help it and I wouldn't've cared if she'd died right away the fact that she looked at me first scared me.
That is all. Hugs are good.