Sometimes I'm terrible

Sometimes I'm impatient, and
Sometimes I'm terrible
Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, and
Sometimes I don't care
Days like this I feel selfish, because
Days like this I want you
(more specifically, your body, or
more specifically, your hands and face)
Sometimes I'm cold, and
Sometimes I'm crazy
I think that desire is frustrating, and
I think I don't like myself tonight
Which is why I feel a hypocrite, and
Which is why I want you to want me anyway



This poem is not about who you think.
Sometimes I'm base.

Could I get you off my mind, this time?

When asking where God is in all this, one is left with one of two conclusions. Either He is not here at all or else He is very much here, in every part of this. I opt for the second one. If the first were true, life would be absolutely hopeless and I would kill myself. I have to believe that He is here, He is sovereign, He loves me, and He has a plan. Otherwise where would I be? Dead, probably, or else so screwed up I might as well be. I am never so sure God exists as when I struggle with these impossibilities. With the fact that my faith is a paradox. That I could not live without it.
Jenni and I have lots of good conversations. We had one the other night and in it she said something that I have been thinking over. When Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden, one of the things God cursed Eve with was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. How does this relate to me? Well, I find that it is very hard to put God ahead of a boy in my life. We're not married (obviously), we're not even dating. I merely like this boy. And I have such a hard time putting God first. I'm working on it, I pray about it a lot. But it is very frustrating. Why should I care so much about this boy? He did not create me. He does not love me unconditionally and forever, so much that he would die to save my soul. Why do I focus on the wrong things? Why is so hard to focus on the right ones, the ones I know are true? Why can I feel like I'm in love with a boy and not feel like I'm in love with God? I want it the other way around, but I don't know how to get there.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I'm excited to die. Not now. Don't worry. I wouldn't do anything to speed the process along. But Heaven will be wonderful, and I can't wait to get there. I want to see people again. And [almost] everyone will be there. This is where it becomes imperative for me to share my faith. In order for people to be there, they have to follow Christ. It's kind of the main point of life. Although back to the point, death would be easier. Because then I don't have to try so hard to live for God and fail all the time. Grace and forgiveness are awesome things. Without them I would be screwed over. But it would be so much easier to not have to try all the time to live my love for God, when I struggle with knowing that love. It's this sense of helplessness, that all I can do is depend on Him because I cannot do it alone.
I guess that's where I'm at. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

Tell me in my dreams

I'm procrastinating doing homework right now... I thought of something I wanted to say on here the other day and I didn't right it down so now I've forgotten what it was. I got an email today from someone who worked at camp with me two years ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. It was a mass email telling me that unless I sent it on I would poop my pants often until I did so. I didn't send it on. I deleted it instead. I also keep getting update emails from some guy I've never heard of. I don't open those ones. I delete them.
I've been looking at the sky a lot lately. It's very big. It's very beautiful. It's very lonely and sad in a hauntingly beautiful sort of way.
Knowing what I am [God willing] going to do this summer is nice. It's weird to know that I'm not going back to camp ever. I mean, I love camp. It was my favorite place in the world for a long time, but that time has ended. The places I'm called to are not camp. It's strange to realize that yes, lots of my friends are going to be at Redberry this summer, and I will be somewhere else entirely. No visits this summer. As much as I love it, that chapter has ended. Everywhere I ever thought I wanted to live turned out to be the opposite of what the deeper part of me wants. All the things I loved I still love, yet I know there are things I love more. And God is gracious. It's funny, I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and I have no idea how that will turn out or where I'll end up. Not a clue. It's better this way. I have no choice but to go where He sends me. He's faithful. Even when I'm an idiot, He's faithful. How did I end up serving the one true God, when the chances of me even existing are less than infinitesmial, and yet obviously I do exist? Why does He love me so much? Why do I have so much trouble with everything? To be where I want to be, I have to give up so much. If I give it to You, will You give it back? I know the answer, yet it's still so hard.

Bruised knees (two poems)

Feeling both nothing and feeling too much
It's belonging that kills you but unbelonging cuts
With your hold in this tide, you will never be free
At least, that's what they keep on telling me
I'm not part of your world, it was never the same
We only pretended it was, for a short time, and came away changed
You belong to yours, and I belong to mine
When did we start walking this very thin line?
My world is Nowhere, a place I can't comprehend
While you live in Somewhere, you and all our friends
Because I live in Nowhere, you often forget about me
And I won't cross to Somewhere, unless I'm invited, you see
“Not belonging anywhere, but that's terrible,” you say
But then you laugh and turn and go off on your way
You comment and you listen, but you don't seem to care
It's better than I'm used to, you used to point and stare
I don't know where I belong yet, if indeed it's anywhere
Sometimes I can't help crying out, “Life really isn't fair!”
I don't know where I belong yet, or whither there I'll stay
But when Death he comes to claim me, I'll gladly go his way



I wonder, sometimes
If the way that I miss you
Shows in my eyes
And if, on the days I forget
Who I'm talking to,
The way that I love you is felt in the room

I know well I love you
I've known for a while
Since you came home alive
I mean, I had warned you, don't die

I wonder, my friend,
If one day we'll be more
When I see you again
And if, when the days pass on by
You'll remember the time
We said goodbye

I'm such a sucker sometimes

Christmas with the family... good times, but too much food and too many people. I'm far too lazy for this exercise regime we've been given. I'll do it though - I like playing basketball. It was always the only sport I was ever half decent at. It sucks this time though because I am forced to choose between basketball and kids club. That was hard.
I'm starting to annoy myself. It happens now and again. And I'm frustrated that I am not spiritually how I want to be, but I can't seem to change that. Oh, wait, God's supposed to do it. I suck at letting Him. I don't know how this works but I want it, I want to live in the Spirit and have Him live in me so others can see. How does one accomplish living in God when one has trouble just living? Besides God, I don't know how I'm alive. How do I surrender myself completely to Him then? I feel trapped in a conundrum and I have no idea how to get out. The irony of this is that God is the only One who can get me out. Hallelujah.

Let it rain

If I knew how I would tell you something, but it is not my place to tell you. Shucks.
By the bye, your conscience is in my head, and I don't want it. You can have it back. I want to go home to school so this doesn't distract me so much. Funny, because when I was at school I was excited to come home for Christmas so the same thing wouldn't distract me there. I just can't get away from myself.
I've had a song in my head the last few days, pretty much it's singing back there ever since we were driving home from Hershey. It's by Switchfoot, and it reminds me of... stuff.

Face down with the LA curbside ending
In the ones and zeros
Downtown was the perfect place to hide
The first star that I saw last night was a headlight
of a man-made sky, but
Man-made never made our dreams collide, collide
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening
Last week saw me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky
but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And in all my life I don't know that I've ever felt so alive, alive
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my heart's still beating,
It's beating,
I'm bleeding.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving
I want to know that my heart's still beating,
Is beating,
Is beating,
It's beating,
I'm bleeding
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talk, talking in your sleep
About a dream,
We're awakening a dream,
We're awakening

Here we are now, awakening

There is one secret I've never told you. I've never even alluded to it. You'd understand why if I told you. But I never can. Sometimes it frustrates me.

I'll take my heart back

The fact that you are you frustrates me. I love it, but it is still frustrating, because you are right and I know it. I am so glad we are friends. You challenge me in my faith like no one else does, not really even anyone at school, which is where you think the challenging would happen. Don't get me wrong, it does, but one weekend with you challenged me so much. You're one of the better friends that I have and you have blessed me so much. Keep chasing your first love. He'll bless you for it.
It's good to be home. Holidays were good too. Actually, they were a huge blessing. Sometimes I'm tempted to take your advice, but then I catch myself. That would be a stupid move, especially at this point in my life. Anyway, it's not my move to make.
I enjoy horses and buggies, even though it's next to impossible to get a decent picture of them. I also enjoy the fact that they go past at 1:30 in the morning. My favorite part though was the night we went for a walk to the creek and sat on the rock. And when you played your guitar in the rain. "If all else fails then we will meet up in eternity."

I believe...

Trevor Zacharias is my baby's daddy.

Apparently some people found this offensive. I thought it was hilarious. And hey, I got a purple shirt out of it.

Dwight: "Two grand pianos?!?!"
Paul: "Well, yeah. How do you think they got puppies?"

Susan: "Are you waiting for class, or is this your harem?"

Belonging

It's been awhile. Production opening night is tonight. I have to start getting ready in half an hour. It's going to be good. I've been listening to Thrice (more specifically, the song 'Artist in the Ambulance') and Anberlin's new CD a lot lately. I'm also becoming more anti-social at times and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a little ahead in my homework. My grandpa's 90th birthday is on Monday, and so we're having a party for him Sunday afternoon that I'm going to go home for. My uncle from Ontario is coming out for it so that'll be interesting. I can't really remember when I've seen him last. Also, my grandpa is not going to renew his driver's license after this November. I feel kind of bad for him but he is getting a bit dangerous to be on the roads. My theater director is hands down absolutely brilliant and my favorite color is purple. I'm becoming okay with who I am and have come to the conclusion that I do not want a boyfriend. God is helping me with that decision. We went for a walk and hashed it out and I'm okay with it. I find that it is so much easier to focus on God when I am not interested in boys. They are less distracting when they are not here.
One final thing, there is a song God reminded me of that I haven't listened to in a long time. I like to talk to Him while I shower. Somehow it seems like a good time. This song is by MercyMe.
What is life?
A thousand roads, a thousand ways
Why am I so afraid to move?
I crossed the line
I'm stepping out so come what may
I give it all cause I'm drawn to You
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in Your love
So this is life