No fixed address

I'm ready to be done work already. I'm ready to go home. The thing is, I am home. I have no doubt that this is where I am supposed to be. Enough things have happened to erase any questions in my mind. Either this is it or God is working through it anyway, in which case, this is it. I look forward to going to church here. I feel included in the church here. Unlike at home. I did not belong to that church. Maybe that was my own fault. But it's nice to be able to start over, in a place where I don't have a past and no one has any reason to ignore me yet. The pastors here have not betrayed me yet. Although I don't really know them and they don't really know me, so they really can't. Maybe I'm running from traditional church. Maybe traditional church is upside down anyway. Maybe relationship is more important. Maybe it's actually all about Jesus Christ, and knowing him. Maybe it's about relationship. Maybe the traditional ritualistic compartmentalized institution we call church has it confused. Maybe it's not all about the money and more about the trust. I'm ready to let go. I think. Either way, living here is the right place to be, and maybe I'll come out of this understanding more and knowing less.

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
(Lifehouse)

I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

I don't want to be in love with you. It's distracting. I can't do this alone. And praying about it is hard because I want it to go away and yet I don't. I can't tell what God wants. Maybe I can and I don't like the option, so I'm ignoring it. Unfortunately, ignoring things you know and yet don't like does not make them go away.
Go listen to “Spent on Rainy Days” by Bright Eyes. And then listen to “Happy Birthday to Me” (see lyrics). And then “Lua”. Actually, go buy his Noise Floor album. Unless you have an aversion to... darker lyrics.
I hate Carolina right now. We should have won. We need to win sometime.
I want a black and white girl kitten. Her name will be Tristan and she will live in my room with me. Because I am lonely and I miss my cats.
Also, I've been eating these strawberries and crème cookies like candy. I buy them because they remind me of my dead grandmother. I want to be a grandmother. Preferably before I'm 50.

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Fool's overture

Sometimes I contemplate telling you something that would screw over everything but sometimes I have such a hard time holding it in. Some things are too important to ruin. The thing is, I do feel this way.

The ever-present question [until we 'figure it out']

Teri: I have absolutely no desire to ever ever go to university.
Aunt: Well then, what do you want to do with your life?
*pause*
Aunt: You want to get married and have babies.
Teri: Yes, I want to get married and have babies. I want to love people. I want to use the computer less and have better relationships instead. I want to help those that are hurting. I want to read books and write stories. I want to go for walks and plant gardens. I want to get mail and I want to send mail. I want to raise my children. I want to forgive others and myself. I want to be forgiven. I want to drive my car and ride horses. I want to get more tattoos and use them to tell stories about God's faithfulness. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. I want to wake up and see the sunrise. I want to see parts of the world. I want to remember the people I meet, and have them remember me. I want to play hockey every now and again. I want to dream. I want to bleed. I want to dance in the rain. But most of all, I want to love God with all of my being. And none of these things require "higher" education. [Or facebook.]

You belong with me

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Sometimes I wish that lots of people felt the same as I do, but then I take it back. I would not wish this on anyone else. Some people would go insane. I think that the only reason I am not is that I already was a little crazy.
There are lots of real hills here and on top of some of them you can see mountains. They are very pretty. I like to look at them. They are very tall, and are blue with white tops. Sometimes there are clouds on top of them. There is no flatness here and you cannot see the sunset as well when there are big hills. When I drive north, there is one point when I can see the whole city skyline, and the whole south side of the city laid out before me. It is also beautful, but it is a different beautiful than the mountains. They are both breathtaking, just in different ways. I live in a really cute one room apartment above my aunt and uncle's garage. Garage almost spells gargle, which sounds like gargoyle. There are no gargoyles here. Just wind, which makes sounds like gargoyles. It is a nice place to live. Sometimes the hills feel sad. The sadness of the hills gets in my blood, and I feel it like a restless toxin running up and down my body.

Coming and going

I'm leaving tomorrow I guess. It feels kind of surreal. I know I can't stay here but there's a part of me that wants to because I'm scared of going. Things are going to be new and different. And hey, it's only for 4 months. I can handle that. Besides, this is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and I am looking forward to it. It's time. It's like knowing I can't go back to camp; as much as I want to go, it's not the right place for me. I have to move on. As much as I love the place, staying there would be wrong. It would be bad. Sometimes people tell me not to close doors, not to say with finality that I am not going back, but those people are being stupid. I have to close those doors, because if I don't, the temptation to walk through them again is strong. It's easier to have them closed, where they tempt me less and the force that I heave them shut with swings open other doors. I know when things are right. Camp is not one of those things, and probably never will be again. And I'm okay with that now. I'll come home when it is time again to go home.

Sometimes I'm terrible

Sometimes I'm impatient, and
Sometimes I'm terrible
Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, and
Sometimes I don't care
Days like this I feel selfish, because
Days like this I want you
(more specifically, your body, or
more specifically, your hands and face)
Sometimes I'm cold, and
Sometimes I'm crazy
I think that desire is frustrating, and
I think I don't like myself tonight
Which is why I feel a hypocrite, and
Which is why I want you to want me anyway



This poem is not about who you think.
Sometimes I'm base.

Could I get you off my mind, this time?

When asking where God is in all this, one is left with one of two conclusions. Either He is not here at all or else He is very much here, in every part of this. I opt for the second one. If the first were true, life would be absolutely hopeless and I would kill myself. I have to believe that He is here, He is sovereign, He loves me, and He has a plan. Otherwise where would I be? Dead, probably, or else so screwed up I might as well be. I am never so sure God exists as when I struggle with these impossibilities. With the fact that my faith is a paradox. That I could not live without it.
Jenni and I have lots of good conversations. We had one the other night and in it she said something that I have been thinking over. When Adam and Eve got kicked out of Eden, one of the things God cursed Eve with was that her desire would be for her husband and he would rule over her. How does this relate to me? Well, I find that it is very hard to put God ahead of a boy in my life. We're not married (obviously), we're not even dating. I merely like this boy. And I have such a hard time putting God first. I'm working on it, I pray about it a lot. But it is very frustrating. Why should I care so much about this boy? He did not create me. He does not love me unconditionally and forever, so much that he would die to save my soul. Why do I focus on the wrong things? Why is so hard to focus on the right ones, the ones I know are true? Why can I feel like I'm in love with a boy and not feel like I'm in love with God? I want it the other way around, but I don't know how to get there.
I've been thinking about death a lot lately. I'm excited to die. Not now. Don't worry. I wouldn't do anything to speed the process along. But Heaven will be wonderful, and I can't wait to get there. I want to see people again. And [almost] everyone will be there. This is where it becomes imperative for me to share my faith. In order for people to be there, they have to follow Christ. It's kind of the main point of life. Although back to the point, death would be easier. Because then I don't have to try so hard to live for God and fail all the time. Grace and forgiveness are awesome things. Without them I would be screwed over. But it would be so much easier to not have to try all the time to live my love for God, when I struggle with knowing that love. It's this sense of helplessness, that all I can do is depend on Him because I cannot do it alone.
I guess that's where I'm at. I'm tired of saying goodbye.

Tell me in my dreams

I'm procrastinating doing homework right now... I thought of something I wanted to say on here the other day and I didn't right it down so now I've forgotten what it was. I got an email today from someone who worked at camp with me two years ago, and I haven't spoken to him since. It was a mass email telling me that unless I sent it on I would poop my pants often until I did so. I didn't send it on. I deleted it instead. I also keep getting update emails from some guy I've never heard of. I don't open those ones. I delete them.
I've been looking at the sky a lot lately. It's very big. It's very beautiful. It's very lonely and sad in a hauntingly beautiful sort of way.
Knowing what I am [God willing] going to do this summer is nice. It's weird to know that I'm not going back to camp ever. I mean, I love camp. It was my favorite place in the world for a long time, but that time has ended. The places I'm called to are not camp. It's strange to realize that yes, lots of my friends are going to be at Redberry this summer, and I will be somewhere else entirely. No visits this summer. As much as I love it, that chapter has ended. Everywhere I ever thought I wanted to live turned out to be the opposite of what the deeper part of me wants. All the things I loved I still love, yet I know there are things I love more. And God is gracious. It's funny, I know exactly what I want to do with my life, and I have no idea how that will turn out or where I'll end up. Not a clue. It's better this way. I have no choice but to go where He sends me. He's faithful. Even when I'm an idiot, He's faithful. How did I end up serving the one true God, when the chances of me even existing are less than infinitesmial, and yet obviously I do exist? Why does He love me so much? Why do I have so much trouble with everything? To be where I want to be, I have to give up so much. If I give it to You, will You give it back? I know the answer, yet it's still so hard.

Bruised knees (two poems)

Feeling both nothing and feeling too much
It's belonging that kills you but unbelonging cuts
With your hold in this tide, you will never be free
At least, that's what they keep on telling me
I'm not part of your world, it was never the same
We only pretended it was, for a short time, and came away changed
You belong to yours, and I belong to mine
When did we start walking this very thin line?
My world is Nowhere, a place I can't comprehend
While you live in Somewhere, you and all our friends
Because I live in Nowhere, you often forget about me
And I won't cross to Somewhere, unless I'm invited, you see
“Not belonging anywhere, but that's terrible,” you say
But then you laugh and turn and go off on your way
You comment and you listen, but you don't seem to care
It's better than I'm used to, you used to point and stare
I don't know where I belong yet, if indeed it's anywhere
Sometimes I can't help crying out, “Life really isn't fair!”
I don't know where I belong yet, or whither there I'll stay
But when Death he comes to claim me, I'll gladly go his way



I wonder, sometimes
If the way that I miss you
Shows in my eyes
And if, on the days I forget
Who I'm talking to,
The way that I love you is felt in the room

I know well I love you
I've known for a while
Since you came home alive
I mean, I had warned you, don't die

I wonder, my friend,
If one day we'll be more
When I see you again
And if, when the days pass on by
You'll remember the time
We said goodbye