Bruised knees (two poems)

Feeling both nothing and feeling too much
It's belonging that kills you but unbelonging cuts
With your hold in this tide, you will never be free
At least, that's what they keep on telling me
I'm not part of your world, it was never the same
We only pretended it was, for a short time, and came away changed
You belong to yours, and I belong to mine
When did we start walking this very thin line?
My world is Nowhere, a place I can't comprehend
While you live in Somewhere, you and all our friends
Because I live in Nowhere, you often forget about me
And I won't cross to Somewhere, unless I'm invited, you see
“Not belonging anywhere, but that's terrible,” you say
But then you laugh and turn and go off on your way
You comment and you listen, but you don't seem to care
It's better than I'm used to, you used to point and stare
I don't know where I belong yet, if indeed it's anywhere
Sometimes I can't help crying out, “Life really isn't fair!”
I don't know where I belong yet, or whither there I'll stay
But when Death he comes to claim me, I'll gladly go his way



I wonder, sometimes
If the way that I miss you
Shows in my eyes
And if, on the days I forget
Who I'm talking to,
The way that I love you is felt in the room

I know well I love you
I've known for a while
Since you came home alive
I mean, I had warned you, don't die

I wonder, my friend,
If one day we'll be more
When I see you again
And if, when the days pass on by
You'll remember the time
We said goodbye

I'm such a sucker sometimes

Christmas with the family... good times, but too much food and too many people. I'm far too lazy for this exercise regime we've been given. I'll do it though - I like playing basketball. It was always the only sport I was ever half decent at. It sucks this time though because I am forced to choose between basketball and kids club. That was hard.
I'm starting to annoy myself. It happens now and again. And I'm frustrated that I am not spiritually how I want to be, but I can't seem to change that. Oh, wait, God's supposed to do it. I suck at letting Him. I don't know how this works but I want it, I want to live in the Spirit and have Him live in me so others can see. How does one accomplish living in God when one has trouble just living? Besides God, I don't know how I'm alive. How do I surrender myself completely to Him then? I feel trapped in a conundrum and I have no idea how to get out. The irony of this is that God is the only One who can get me out. Hallelujah.

Let it rain

If I knew how I would tell you something, but it is not my place to tell you. Shucks.
By the bye, your conscience is in my head, and I don't want it. You can have it back. I want to go home to school so this doesn't distract me so much. Funny, because when I was at school I was excited to come home for Christmas so the same thing wouldn't distract me there. I just can't get away from myself.
I've had a song in my head the last few days, pretty much it's singing back there ever since we were driving home from Hershey. It's by Switchfoot, and it reminds me of... stuff.

Face down with the LA curbside ending
In the ones and zeros
Downtown was the perfect place to hide
The first star that I saw last night was a headlight
of a man-made sky, but
Man-made never made our dreams collide, collide
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening
Last week saw me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky
but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And in all my life I don't know that I've ever felt so alive, alive
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to know that my heart's still beating,
It's beating,
I'm bleeding.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving
I want to know that my heart's still beating,
Is beating,
Is beating,
It's beating,
I'm bleeding
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth in pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, but you've been talk, talking in your sleep
About a dream,
We're awakening a dream,
We're awakening

Here we are now, awakening

There is one secret I've never told you. I've never even alluded to it. You'd understand why if I told you. But I never can. Sometimes it frustrates me.

I'll take my heart back

The fact that you are you frustrates me. I love it, but it is still frustrating, because you are right and I know it. I am so glad we are friends. You challenge me in my faith like no one else does, not really even anyone at school, which is where you think the challenging would happen. Don't get me wrong, it does, but one weekend with you challenged me so much. You're one of the better friends that I have and you have blessed me so much. Keep chasing your first love. He'll bless you for it.
It's good to be home. Holidays were good too. Actually, they were a huge blessing. Sometimes I'm tempted to take your advice, but then I catch myself. That would be a stupid move, especially at this point in my life. Anyway, it's not my move to make.
I enjoy horses and buggies, even though it's next to impossible to get a decent picture of them. I also enjoy the fact that they go past at 1:30 in the morning. My favorite part though was the night we went for a walk to the creek and sat on the rock. And when you played your guitar in the rain. "If all else fails then we will meet up in eternity."

I believe...

Trevor Zacharias is my baby's daddy.

Apparently some people found this offensive. I thought it was hilarious. And hey, I got a purple shirt out of it.

Dwight: "Two grand pianos?!?!"
Paul: "Well, yeah. How do you think they got puppies?"

Susan: "Are you waiting for class, or is this your harem?"

Belonging

It's been awhile. Production opening night is tonight. I have to start getting ready in half an hour. It's going to be good. I've been listening to Thrice (more specifically, the song 'Artist in the Ambulance') and Anberlin's new CD a lot lately. I'm also becoming more anti-social at times and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a little ahead in my homework. My grandpa's 90th birthday is on Monday, and so we're having a party for him Sunday afternoon that I'm going to go home for. My uncle from Ontario is coming out for it so that'll be interesting. I can't really remember when I've seen him last. Also, my grandpa is not going to renew his driver's license after this November. I feel kind of bad for him but he is getting a bit dangerous to be on the roads. My theater director is hands down absolutely brilliant and my favorite color is purple. I'm becoming okay with who I am and have come to the conclusion that I do not want a boyfriend. God is helping me with that decision. We went for a walk and hashed it out and I'm okay with it. I find that it is so much easier to focus on God when I am not interested in boys. They are less distracting when they are not here.
One final thing, there is a song God reminded me of that I haven't listened to in a long time. I like to talk to Him while I shower. Somehow it seems like a good time. This song is by MercyMe.
What is life?
A thousand roads, a thousand ways
Why am I so afraid to move?
I crossed the line
I'm stepping out so come what may
I give it all cause I'm drawn to You
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in Your love
So this is life

Here I am

I learned today what my Christmas and birthday present is. It has never been combined before, but this one is expensive. I'm quite alright with that though. It's not like I expected much for Christmas and my birthday anyways. The funny part is I still am paying for part of my present. I found that amusing. However, I am perfectly okay with that. I am super excited for December. I got airplane tickets to Philadelphia (and back). Oh BABY.
In other news, I am here at school once again. My homework level is ridiculous but I am managing it so far. I am also in Production. This year we are doing a play called A Boy and His Piano and it is going to be super good. My character is a baseball friend named Rick. Come and see... email me for details or check out the church bulletin. I can't believe I just said that. But that's probably the easiest way to find out details. This week is modular week, so we have class all day every day. It's going to be a gong show. Also, I need to go shopping for lamps and more fabric for my ceiling and a dress for the Christmas banquet. Alumni weekend was this past weekend. It was sweet to see some people that I hadn't seen in a while. One in particular. Not that anything's happening or likely to. It's in God's hands. Good thing too, because it would turn out badly if it were in mine. His plans tend to work out. That's one more thing to love.
In case anyone didn't know yet, I have another tattoo. It is the word "hope" and it is on my left wrist. I now have two tattoos on my left side and none on my right. But I am going to wait to balance it out until I am 21 because I didn't spend more than a month thinking about this second one and I don't regret it and I won't but I might if I get any more. So I shall wait a longer while.
The last thing I'll say tonight is that I now know more than ever what I want to do with my life. Street ministry. Hands down. I want to love those people so badly. Which is funny because I had never seriously thought about it before last year, and now it seems so obvious. I have so much passion for it it's ridiculous, and I can't wait to see what doors God is going to open and shove me through, not only this year but from now on in.

One more time

It's nights like tonight that I am angry you are not here. Would you be mad if I called you my day late friend?

An experiment, I guess

I wrote a poem a while back this summer as an idea project, putting myself in someone else's shoes and seeing if I could write from their perspective. I kind of like it. Notice the alliteration.
Note: for anybody prone to worrying, I do not in actuality feel this way.

To you I'm just another number
Another statistic of suicide
I'm just someone who doesn't exist
Who looked at her life and chose to die
And you would have no idea
I was the kid you sat behind in math class last year
You never learned my name
It never would've been the same
You never know what you could change
To you I'm just yesterday's sad story
Until you read the gory story in today's newspaper obituary
And realize all you could've changed