Here we are now, awakening

There is one secret I've never told you. I've never even alluded to it. You'd understand why if I told you. But I never can. Sometimes it frustrates me.

I'll take my heart back

The fact that you are you frustrates me. I love it, but it is still frustrating, because you are right and I know it. I am so glad we are friends. You challenge me in my faith like no one else does, not really even anyone at school, which is where you think the challenging would happen. Don't get me wrong, it does, but one weekend with you challenged me so much. You're one of the better friends that I have and you have blessed me so much. Keep chasing your first love. He'll bless you for it.
It's good to be home. Holidays were good too. Actually, they were a huge blessing. Sometimes I'm tempted to take your advice, but then I catch myself. That would be a stupid move, especially at this point in my life. Anyway, it's not my move to make.
I enjoy horses and buggies, even though it's next to impossible to get a decent picture of them. I also enjoy the fact that they go past at 1:30 in the morning. My favorite part though was the night we went for a walk to the creek and sat on the rock. And when you played your guitar in the rain. "If all else fails then we will meet up in eternity."

I believe...

Trevor Zacharias is my baby's daddy.

Apparently some people found this offensive. I thought it was hilarious. And hey, I got a purple shirt out of it.

Dwight: "Two grand pianos?!?!"
Paul: "Well, yeah. How do you think they got puppies?"

Susan: "Are you waiting for class, or is this your harem?"

Belonging

It's been awhile. Production opening night is tonight. I have to start getting ready in half an hour. It's going to be good. I've been listening to Thrice (more specifically, the song 'Artist in the Ambulance') and Anberlin's new CD a lot lately. I'm also becoming more anti-social at times and I don't know how I feel about that. I'm a little ahead in my homework. My grandpa's 90th birthday is on Monday, and so we're having a party for him Sunday afternoon that I'm going to go home for. My uncle from Ontario is coming out for it so that'll be interesting. I can't really remember when I've seen him last. Also, my grandpa is not going to renew his driver's license after this November. I feel kind of bad for him but he is getting a bit dangerous to be on the roads. My theater director is hands down absolutely brilliant and my favorite color is purple. I'm becoming okay with who I am and have come to the conclusion that I do not want a boyfriend. God is helping me with that decision. We went for a walk and hashed it out and I'm okay with it. I find that it is so much easier to focus on God when I am not interested in boys. They are less distracting when they are not here.
One final thing, there is a song God reminded me of that I haven't listened to in a long time. I like to talk to Him while I shower. Somehow it seems like a good time. This song is by MercyMe.
What is life?
A thousand roads, a thousand ways
Why am I so afraid to move?
I crossed the line
I'm stepping out so come what may
I give it all cause I'm drawn to You
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
I can't deny Your very presence is my life
And why would I ever turn away
Cause deep inside I know that I cannot rely
On anything less than faith
As long as my heart is beating...
Where You lead me I will follow
Where You lead me I give my life away
Where You lead me I will follow
Forever and a day
This is all I'm dreaming of
To live completely in Your love
So this is life

Here I am

I learned today what my Christmas and birthday present is. It has never been combined before, but this one is expensive. I'm quite alright with that though. It's not like I expected much for Christmas and my birthday anyways. The funny part is I still am paying for part of my present. I found that amusing. However, I am perfectly okay with that. I am super excited for December. I got airplane tickets to Philadelphia (and back). Oh BABY.
In other news, I am here at school once again. My homework level is ridiculous but I am managing it so far. I am also in Production. This year we are doing a play called A Boy and His Piano and it is going to be super good. My character is a baseball friend named Rick. Come and see... email me for details or check out the church bulletin. I can't believe I just said that. But that's probably the easiest way to find out details. This week is modular week, so we have class all day every day. It's going to be a gong show. Also, I need to go shopping for lamps and more fabric for my ceiling and a dress for the Christmas banquet. Alumni weekend was this past weekend. It was sweet to see some people that I hadn't seen in a while. One in particular. Not that anything's happening or likely to. It's in God's hands. Good thing too, because it would turn out badly if it were in mine. His plans tend to work out. That's one more thing to love.
In case anyone didn't know yet, I have another tattoo. It is the word "hope" and it is on my left wrist. I now have two tattoos on my left side and none on my right. But I am going to wait to balance it out until I am 21 because I didn't spend more than a month thinking about this second one and I don't regret it and I won't but I might if I get any more. So I shall wait a longer while.
The last thing I'll say tonight is that I now know more than ever what I want to do with my life. Street ministry. Hands down. I want to love those people so badly. Which is funny because I had never seriously thought about it before last year, and now it seems so obvious. I have so much passion for it it's ridiculous, and I can't wait to see what doors God is going to open and shove me through, not only this year but from now on in.

One more time

It's nights like tonight that I am angry you are not here. Would you be mad if I called you my day late friend?

An experiment, I guess

I wrote a poem a while back this summer as an idea project, putting myself in someone else's shoes and seeing if I could write from their perspective. I kind of like it. Notice the alliteration.
Note: for anybody prone to worrying, I do not in actuality feel this way.

To you I'm just another number
Another statistic of suicide
I'm just someone who doesn't exist
Who looked at her life and chose to die
And you would have no idea
I was the kid you sat behind in math class last year
You never learned my name
It never would've been the same
You never know what you could change
To you I'm just yesterday's sad story
Until you read the gory story in today's newspaper obituary
And realize all you could've changed

Honestly

1) I do enjoy our conversations and arguments. Why exactly you hate the world. You're a different cookie, but I like talking to you.

2) Actually, I do think you are quite good-looking.

3) You're the only person I don't regret. I'm glad we turned out like we did and that we're such good friends.

4) What the hell are you thinking? You've broken every promise you made us, and you don't seem sorry at all. I promised I wouldn't judge you for it and I'm not, but I am furious with you because I'm worried about you. You don't seem to see the consequences of what you're doing, or you don't care. You're so intent on rebelling for love that you don't see the love you're turning your back to. We've been trying to save you from yourself for years.

5) A word of advice: don't give up on us for him. Come hang out on occasion, because you're neglecting us, and I'm worried about you.

6) I was lying. It's the only thing I've ever lied to you about, but I honestly can't tell you the truth.

7) Watch yourself. When the both of us are concerned about what you're fooling around with, it's probably a good idea to listen to at least him. Seriously. He knows you better and he loves you. You're family. I know this guy better than you and you are headed for trouble if you go out with him. Trust me, this is not a good relationship to pursue farther than friendship.

8) I'm so excited for you I squealed when I read your news. I am a little jealous though.

9) I miss you and your humor and your wisdom. Why did you have to leave?

10) Despite my best efforts, I like you. Why do you have to be so far away, with so little chance of liking me back?

God, what are You doing?

Jesus' blood never failed me yet

"I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends
You know I've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while You're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep You
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover I don't understand
'cause I don't understand
love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride
love of a jealous kind"

"It's just enough to be strong in the broken places, should the world rely on faith tonight"
He loves me. HE loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. He thinks I'm beautiful, scars and all. He wants to love me. He loves me forever and ever and ever and ever. And ever. Why is this so hard to grasp? Why do I suck at loving him back?

You can see the thunder

I no longer know what day it is, but I no longer care. Thursday/Friday was a really good day for me, I was up for over 30 hours and some things happened. I got to ride a motorcycle. I got to see people I love. I got to have a sweet personal discussion with a guy from work. I got to laugh at a girl working in Safeway who didn't know what she was talking about. I can give blood after August 15th. Everything's running together. It's not fair but it's the way it should be. I don't want you to go because I love you, but we are where we're supposed to be and I can't change it. I get to go home soon.