Please

Remind me that I can come home again.

See you soon

If I could bring myself to say it
I would tell you
That I have too much pride
And I would love to give in because I know you're right
But I can't
And I know it's not mature
I know it's not right
I am proud I am stubborn
Proud I won't give in
Even when I so desperately want to
I am proud that my greatest fault
Is also my greatest virtue
And though it never seems to work out quite right
I can't give it up
And when I know I'm wrong
I'll cling to it because
It's easier than saying sorry

You and me

Elmer is a feisty old man. He was a very rambunctious teenager, having a lot of girlfriends. He was quite popular back in the day, being a bit of a rebel child. He still has the shifty eyes. His skin is a purpley color. He had a heart transplant a few years back but that doesn't stop him any. He's still going strong. Sometimes you can tell that he's dying but it's not that obvious. He'll probably die from daily wear and tear but it's also possible that his heart will finally give out. He's seen it all, probably more than I realize. He's pretty cool, I like hanging with him. We go places together. A lot.

You are lost, you can never go home

I can't get over this idea that there's a place I belong that I can't get to. There's a song that will explain all that's inside me but I can't write it. A place that, like Valinor, would make you completely content if only you could sail there. Unfortunately, the world is round and it is beyond the rim of the sea. I'm trapped here and I can't get out.
Tolkien says it best, or rather, Frodo does:

"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with weary feet,
Until it joins some larger way,
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say."
"Upon the hearth the fire is red,
Beneath the roof there is a bed,
But not yet weary are our feet,
Still round the corner we may meet:
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone.
Tree and flower and leaf and grass,
Let them pass! Let them pass!
Hill and water under sky,
Pass them by! Pass them by!
Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by,
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun.
Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
Let them go! Let them go!
Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Fare you well! Fare you well!
Home is behind, the world ahead
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night
Until the stars are all alight.
Then world behind and home ahead
We'll wander back to home and bed.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
way shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
And then to bed! And then to bed!"

There and back again

You think I'm insane; I think you're weird. To you I'm just a problem, but you don't know what the solution is. You think I'm breaking all the rules on purpose but the truth is that I don't even know there are rules. So go ahead, get mad. It's not my fault. I don't specifically want to be here. God does though and therefore I am here. In fact, there's places I'd much rather be. I wish I could have it all. But that might ruin the joy of the parts that I do have. It might take away the pain of not having the parts I so desperately wanted. Why am I here when I want to be somewhere else so badly? Why do you want me here, of all places? I mean, there are the nights I love, the nights I wouldn't trade for anything, and there are the few glimpses into possible reasons, but there's still a huge part of me that yearns for other things. Places where I felt at home more than anywhere else in my life. Places I realize that I will probably never live again. And a part of me is okay with that and part is not yet. I think it will become okay though, in time. It's hard but no one said it wouldn't be. Some days I wish I could just go home. If I could find it.

I planted a potato

"There is no cat in that tree."
Some days, I forget which universe I live in, and I have to remind myself that there is no such thing as elves, dwarves, Valar, and hobbits; dark elves that live underground and orcs; talking animals, moving trees, mermaids, and centaurs; starflight, hundreds of colonized planets, and two other sentient species. Aren't there?

Where are we?

Nowhere is everywhere...
You are somewhere...
Everywhere is somewhere...
Therefore: You are here.
Welcome to Nowhere.

Just a figment of your imagination

I had a dream last night, and in the dream was a reoccuring place, a place I've been in my dreams before. A place I've been many times. There were police in their room, a room we could see from the picnic tables outside their window. The police were the brothers of my friends. Their room was close to this place, this room, in my dream. And we were there, but we were not going to stay there. We had dressed up to go out. But we never did. It was waiting, waiting, waiting for something that you wake up for before it happens. There were other people in the dream. Friends, people I know quite well. They were trying to stab me in the head. I don't know why.
This place that was in my dream, this reoccuring room, is one of two rooms behind rooms that I have never seen but I have seen in my head many times. The other one is in the church, behind the stage and up. Some girls live in that one. It looks very comfortable. The one last night is in a big building, like an office building or something. Only one storey though. Behind the offices and stuff, if you keep going, there are some rooms, some bathrooms and closets and things. But if you open one specific door there is a house, all open and laid out and really really nice. I go there occasionally but I never get to stay. There is a third place I go sometimes in my head, down in our basement, except there is a sub-basement and a room below that yet. And there there are people and a bathroom and some other stuff. In the ground there. But these places, I don't think any of them exist, except in my head.

Remember me?

Excuse me please. Sorry. Just let me by. I'm an addict, just looking for my next fix. If you know where I could find it, would you let me know? Thanks. It's within reach, actually. If I really needed it I could stretch out my arm and grab it. But I'm trying to quit. It's not working very well. Only grace keeps me going. Don't stare at me like that. Please look away. Hey, I know you! Remember me? What happened here? It's not my fault. Okay, it is. Partially. I didn't have to give in the first time. But you drove me to it. Relentlessly. It's your fault too. You could have done something. What's that? You didn't know? Of course you didn't. I hid it well, at first. But you did realize something was wrong, you just didn't do anything about it. That's a lie. The things you did do, you shouldn't have done. It's the things you should've done that you didn't do. Funny that we run into each other now, all this time later. See what I've become? A broken, filthy, hurting, addict. Quit staring at me. Oh, you want me to stop telling you this. What's the matter, feeling guilty? That's a first. It's a surprise you feel anything, really. Are you embarrassed? All dressed up with all your fancy friends, on your way somewhere important and here I am, dirty, bumping into you and soiling your precious look. Your friends are all surprised that you would know someone like me, even deign to glance at my face. I forgot, your important now. Remember what we used to be? Remember your past? Remember what life was like back then? Different from now, wasn't it. Way different. Our places could have been so easily switched. But you got lucky and I got hurt. It's funny, running into you like this. I have new talents now. New things to boast about, and none of them include a big house or a fast car or a lot of money. Rather, a big record and a fast body and a lot of needles. Surprised? You shouldn't be. You set me on this course. What have we become? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to continue on your way with your comfortable life and forget about the person in the alley or are you going to change the world?

It'll fade

There's a song called "Borders and Time" by the Rankins. They sang it last January in concert here and it's on their North Country CD. This is how it goes:
I think of you all the time
I'll pay for my sins The hearthache begins
I can't free you from my mind
It seems so these days
I've tried every way
You have drifted so far from me
The winds of change
Have swept you away
Night and day
It seems like eternity
Borders and time have kept you from me
Blue are the ocean waters
Along a lover's shoreline
You will not be forgotten
But now that you've gone
The heartache lives on
A warm breeze blows over a gentle sea
The summer is near,
The heartache is here
The fiddler plays an old time melody
The tune is the same
Change the faces and names
Blue are the ocean waters
Along a lovers' shoreline
You will not be forgotten
But now that you've gone
The heartache lives on
Oh borders and time
The heartache is mine

Have I even got a home? If so, may I find it?