Missing you already

I hit the ditch on Circle Drive on Friday night, or rather, very early Saturday morning. A tow truck randomly showed up and pulled me out. The weather was very bad that night. I got to Joeline's house at 1:30 in the morning, after not being able to find it, and then I cried. And then it was better, and I had a great evening. We had a sleepover with about 25 people, mostly in the living room area. We went home for brunch in the morning. School is over now and I'm home in Dalmeny, but I already miss my home in Bethany. I miss the people and the atmosphere and the community. Even (dare I say it?) the classes. Next year it will be different. There will be different people and people won't be there that I will want to be there. It won't be bad, just different. I love too easily, and then it hurts when I lose. But I refuse to stop loving.
This summer I'm working in Saskatoon, with my dad, at the flour mill. No camp for Teri. Which I am becoming okay with, slowly. I'm called to the city, I've realized that lately. That's the rest of my life. And I can't do that at camp. It's still hard but it's getting there. There's joy in the brokenness.
There's a song by Newsboys, who I generally don't like, that I love. The chorus goes "It's all God's children singing 'Glory Glory Hallelujah He reigns'" and it's true. He does reign. There's another song by Aaron Shust which is amazing, called My Savior My God. And these are the lyrics:
I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at His right hand
Stands one who is my Savior
I take Him at His word and deed
Christ died to save me; this I read
And in my heart I find a need
Of Him to be my savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior lives
My Savior’s always there for me
My God: He was, my God: He is
My God is always gonna be
Yes, living, dying, let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring;
That He who lives to be my King
Once died to be my Savior
That He would leave His place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my Savior
My Savior loves, my Savior loves
My Savior's always there for me
My God He was, my God He is
My God is always gonna be

Sounds good but tastes terrible

There are two cures for my life. Homework is not one of them. Hockey is. Horsebackriding is the other. Neither of them are very easy. Kids' club is probably the highlight of my week. Don't get me wrong, the rest of the week is pretty good too. But school is over in less than 3 weeks and then it is summer holidays. And that is tearing me up inside. How do you make a choice when one thing you love but the other thing would make more logical sense? And God says pick the logical one, but you don't want to? How do you come to terms with having done it anyway?

Exegesis

I am very frustrated with my mind. It is driving me insane. Why do I think things that I do not want to think, why must these things keep on coming back? I have tried and tried to get this out of my head. Yet I surrender to it time and again. What is with this? Why must I always be going slightly mad?
By the bye, I am likely not working at camp this summer, which is exceedingly disappointing. I applied at the flour mill where my dad works, which would be a good job that pays well. However, it would require all 4 months of summer, and therefore I could not work at camp. If I do not get the job I will hopefully spend my summer making very little money, instead of lots.
Less than a month of school left. Then home. Home is good. Where is home?
I'm going insane.

Purple flowers don't last

Exhaustion. It rattles my brain and pokes holes in my thoughts. My body is a little sore but not too bad. There's this kid from town I keep running into at the most random times. I like him, he's cute. We have the occasional conversation. He's interesting. On a different note, when the Nicaragua team came home a couple weeks ago, I realized something that I have since been half-heartedly trying to suppress. I'm scared of it. But there's nothing I can do about it so I'll leave it be and see what happens, if anything. Now THAT would be interesting.

They're smiling with you in their targets

I have discovered that I am where I am supposed to be but I do not belong anywhere. I am a "floater" here just as I was in high school. How foolish of me to think that it would be any different. Not that I mind, usually. For the most part I like it, it's just that there are times when I wish it were different. But, you know, things happen. We'll see what it's like next year and even for the rest of this one. We'll see what summer holds. There is the possibility of moving to Calgary for the summer. Although my first love is to work at camp. If God sends me to Calgary I shall rant and scream and cry and go. And probably enjoy it there. So I'm torn right now as to what's happening with summer. Where am I going? Why?

They say things happen in threes

I dream a lot
Of death and fire
Though I do not fear either
I think a lot
About you, though I try to fight it
And fire burns
On and on, flickering hotter in the red-gold swirls
My soul burns
Crying for life and love and flame
And I try not to fight it
But embrace it
And blood flows
On and on, running warm through my hands
Rich and thick and alive in death
Red
Beautiful are both blood and flame
You know it
Don't try to fight it

Remembering is harder than forgetting you
Following is so much harder than running away
Dying is easier than living this life
It is easier to be dead and hard and asleep
But where do you live, and how?
The cold is what makes you feel alive
Seeing color, breathing deep, crying
Freeing the blood to run through your veins
Is this what makes you live your life?
It's just a memory you can't forget
Always looking for a home you can't find
Feeling good to feel worse
Remembering is harder than forgetting you
Chasing is more work than letting you go
Living is what we are called to
The pain is what makes you feel alive

My mind unwinds it intertwines
My heart embarks it wanders off
You never really did choose
I'm slightly irked that you're a jerk
My dearest friend
The air is hot in here
You're making me unstable as well as you are able
Picking and choosing your sides
Lies
I can see it in your eyes
Let me in know where to begin
But somehow we can't end
My skin is thin it lets you in
Bleeding red until I'm dead
Open your eyes it's all a disguise

Too soon to tell

"We're not going to live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not going to make up your mind
I don't want to live without you
And I don't want to live a lie
We'll never know until we try"
-Lifehouse

"I'm sorry for the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I'm sorry for the phone call and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, because I needed to
Some things just can't wait"
-Bright Eyes

There are people that I want to talk to a lot, a whole lot, and I cannot because I do not have a calling card, and I do not want to call them collect. I should get a calling card. But for now, I am slightly frustrated. Other than that, life here is generally mostly good.

Here, perhaps

I found a door to Nowhere
It really was absurd
And I looked back at Somewhere
Feeling free as a bird
I walked through that door to Nowhere
And found myself in love
Perhaps that land of Nowhere
Was my calling from above
And now I live in Nowhere
But they all know my name
Since I found that door to Nowhere
Nothing was ever the same

Short but all my life

I slept through church this morning. It was kind of weird, but I suppose that's alright. Classes officially start tomorrow, which I am both looking forward to and dreading. We came home from Calgary on Friday. Calgary was AMAZING. There are so many stories I cannot even begin to tell them all. God worked in so many awesome ways. I can't fathom God. It's impossible. I want to go back to Calgary, and work in the inner city. I want to hear those people's stories. That would be really sweet. We met so many people, prostitutes, ex-prostitutes, drug addicts, working poor, street people, etc. People from every walk of life somehow end up on the Calgary streets and I want to hear their stories. But we have to see what God says now. And at this moment I am supposed to be here where I am.

Watch me

Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is loving and giving
Saturday's child works hard for a living
But the child that is born on the Sabbath Day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

My mom says the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't. My life's greatest joy is doing what other people tell me I can't. And I have a tattoo, like I said I would and they said I couldn't. I was born on a Thursday.