They say things happen in threes

I dream a lot
Of death and fire
Though I do not fear either
I think a lot
About you, though I try to fight it
And fire burns
On and on, flickering hotter in the red-gold swirls
My soul burns
Crying for life and love and flame
And I try not to fight it
But embrace it
And blood flows
On and on, running warm through my hands
Rich and thick and alive in death
Red
Beautiful are both blood and flame
You know it
Don't try to fight it

Remembering is harder than forgetting you
Following is so much harder than running away
Dying is easier than living this life
It is easier to be dead and hard and asleep
But where do you live, and how?
The cold is what makes you feel alive
Seeing color, breathing deep, crying
Freeing the blood to run through your veins
Is this what makes you live your life?
It's just a memory you can't forget
Always looking for a home you can't find
Feeling good to feel worse
Remembering is harder than forgetting you
Chasing is more work than letting you go
Living is what we are called to
The pain is what makes you feel alive

My mind unwinds it intertwines
My heart embarks it wanders off
You never really did choose
I'm slightly irked that you're a jerk
My dearest friend
The air is hot in here
You're making me unstable as well as you are able
Picking and choosing your sides
Lies
I can see it in your eyes
Let me in know where to begin
But somehow we can't end
My skin is thin it lets you in
Bleeding red until I'm dead
Open your eyes it's all a disguise

Too soon to tell

"We're not going to live forever
Can you tell me is it now or never
I'm not going to make up your mind
I don't want to live without you
And I don't want to live a lie
We'll never know until we try"
-Lifehouse

"I'm sorry for the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I'm sorry for the phone call and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, because I needed to
Some things just can't wait"
-Bright Eyes

There are people that I want to talk to a lot, a whole lot, and I cannot because I do not have a calling card, and I do not want to call them collect. I should get a calling card. But for now, I am slightly frustrated. Other than that, life here is generally mostly good.

Here, perhaps

I found a door to Nowhere
It really was absurd
And I looked back at Somewhere
Feeling free as a bird
I walked through that door to Nowhere
And found myself in love
Perhaps that land of Nowhere
Was my calling from above
And now I live in Nowhere
But they all know my name
Since I found that door to Nowhere
Nothing was ever the same

Short but all my life

I slept through church this morning. It was kind of weird, but I suppose that's alright. Classes officially start tomorrow, which I am both looking forward to and dreading. We came home from Calgary on Friday. Calgary was AMAZING. There are so many stories I cannot even begin to tell them all. God worked in so many awesome ways. I can't fathom God. It's impossible. I want to go back to Calgary, and work in the inner city. I want to hear those people's stories. That would be really sweet. We met so many people, prostitutes, ex-prostitutes, drug addicts, working poor, street people, etc. People from every walk of life somehow end up on the Calgary streets and I want to hear their stories. But we have to see what God says now. And at this moment I am supposed to be here where I am.

Watch me

Monday's child is fair of face
Tuesday's child is full of grace
Wednesday's child is full of woe
Thursday's child has far to go
Friday's child is loving and giving
Saturday's child works hard for a living
But the child that is born on the Sabbath Day
Is bonny and blithe, and good and gay.

My mom says the best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't. My life's greatest joy is doing what other people tell me I can't. And I have a tattoo, like I said I would and they said I couldn't. I was born on a Thursday.

Addict

"The winds of change forever blow, some things stay and some things go..."
I guess you were one of those things that go. One of the things I thought I was okay with but now apparently I'm not. I wish you were one of the things that stay. But maybe only for now, because I won't next week. I hope. For some reason I always give in. ALWAYS. As much as I hate myself for it it happens. Because I keep thinking maybe next time it'll be different.
Knowing what your addictions are and hating them does not stop you from giving in to them time and again. Although one is worse here and the other is worse there, they are still addictions and I still know I am addicted. And though I want help I don't.
"You will not be forgotten, but now that you're gone, the heartache lives on."

Too young to die, to old to live

I'm in a weird mood. There're things I want that I haven't wanted in a long time and I don't actually want them but I seem to think I do. Perhaps it's the music I've been listening to of late. It reminds me of a time in my life that I would like to go back to. But you can't go back. I don't know if I really want to or if I'm just being nostalgic. It was a good time. I don't like growing up anymore.
I have found a place that I think I belong. It feels more like belonging than home ever did. Then the question arises, "Where is home?" This place, or rather, these two places, are far more comfortable and far more accepting of me than Dalmeny ever was. It was strange being in church today. I haven't been in that church in two and a half months. It felt wrong, I couldn't focus myself. That was mostly my fault, but I feel almost suffocated here. Like, there are a lot of people who seem to care but don't actually. There are a bunch that do but there are lots that I don't want to talk to as well. They're just asking surface questions, that or I'm not comfortable enough to go deeper with them. I'm ready to go back to Bethany now.
The other thing I've become painfully aware of is my own mortality. I could die at any time and it's surprising how easy it would be. I'm starting to see pain and see problems I've never recognized before. And it's painful. Life is painful. Growing up is painful. Loss is painful. And somehow we grow and live and love and survive, and I don't think we could ask for more because this is beauty and this is life. It's like blood... beautiful and painful and significant and symbolic. Red.

Hope

We're not really crying for you
But for the things you'll never do
The people you'll never meet
The food you'll never eat
The places you'll never see
The character you'll never be
You'll never get to date or drive
As if you would were you alive
Somehow, it's not fair
This love you'll never share
All those things you wanted to try
All we can do is cry
As the year rolls on around
There's your body in the ground
And now you'll never grow up
But this pain will always show up
Although there's relief in where you've gone
I don't understand how we'll move on
Anguished we scream, "Why, God, why?"
Because all we can do is cry
I can see you smiling now
And crease the furrow in your brow
Look at us and laugh and say,
"Don't worry, I'll see you again one day."

I miss the sun

There's a heartbeat in my fingers
There's a buzzing in my head
This feeling never lingers
But it's something never said
There's a hunger in my body
There's a yearning in my heart
This desire holds so strong
And it's tearing me apart


I was reminded of my own mortality today; my brother's friend was in a car accident and died this afternoon. He was 15. There were six boys in the car and the other five are in the hospital. They were all in high school. My brother had a conversation with this fellow a couple days ago, over msn, but still, a conversation. He was at camp this summer, him and my brother were in the same cabin, that's how they knew each other. And now he's dead. It's not fair. They say God gives and God takes away, and it's true, but that doesn't lessen the searing pain that makes one wish for death. I am not feeling it but I am sure the family is, and his friends. Leaving us to ask why. What if that was one of my friends? Lots of people were on the road yesterday and today, going home from school. Lots of people are driving to a basketball game every day. Why does this boy have to die? Why must we hurt so?

Watch your back

Tired. Inspired. Exhausted. Frosted. Jaded. Complicated. Confused. Amused. Calling. Stalling. Ready. Unsteady. Pain. Insane. Outside. Alive.

I'm a massive mess right now and I don't know what's going on, but it's alright. Everything's gonna turn out alright. I don't understand but maybe, just maybe, that's okay. I think I know something I probably shouldn't, but that just makes me laugh. I think perhaps I am learning something I should know, which makes me glad and terrified at the same time. Sleep is lacking and 3 a.m. no longer seems late. Hockey games make me feel energized; I love them. I also saw the worst movie ever last night. It was terrible, not even funny, with the most pointless, stupid plot line I've ever heard of. There was 30 people in a basement, that made me think of home and how that was only me on my birthday. Somehow things are different here. I've come to some conclusions and had some thoughts, and decided I am both impatient and content. I am also a lot colder and a lot warmer. I saw someone today that had hurt me and I was not expecting to see them. It threw me, because I have forgiven them but the pain was fresh in my mind for some reason and I was slightly upset; I did not show it, but we also did not speak. I'm missing people in both directions of my life, but less of an outsider now. I have learned what my addiction is, and now I just must learn how to escape it and how to cope. Somehow I can only face myself at night.