You don't seem to understand

Difficult on purpose. Just to see if you'll always come back. But I don't know why. Why would you?

It's like coming home

Someone said "postsecondary education" to me today. It frightened me. I'm not old enough to go to postsecondary education. I am not old enough to leave home. I have left home. I live at camp now. It is a terrifying concept, realizing that you've grown up and are old enough to leave the place you've spent your whole life at, up to this point. In the past, I always thought the people who've graduated were so mature and grown up. Being here now, I have no idea why. Growing up scares me. At the same time, I am extremely excited for the rest of my life, for going to Bethany, and traveling, and who knows what else after that. But, this little town that I grew up in will always draw me back. In a way, I don't know if I'll ever really leave it.

The opposite of color

Eifersüchtig? Ja, aber nicht für der Grund du denkst. Ich weiß du macht nicht.

Daisy, give yourself away
Look up at the rain, the beautiful display
Of power and surrender, giving us today
And she gives herself away
Rain, another rainy day, comes up from the ocean
Gives herself away, she comes down easy
Are rich and debt the same?
And she gives herself away
Let it go, Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist, this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go
Pain, give yourself a name
Call yourself contrition, avarice or blame
Giving isn't easy, neither is the rain
When she gives herself away
Daisy, why another day?
Why another sunrise? who will take the blame
For all redemptive motion, and every rainy day
When He gives Himself away
Let it go Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist, this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest
Doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

Growing up

Something occurred to me today. If Lucy had met the White Witch before she met Mr. Tumnus, would she have been the traitor? It gets hard to tell which side is in the right if you go at it without knowing Mr. Tumnus first.
Next question. Say one were to really want something and pray and pray about it, and God says "Wait". So one waits and it works out, and later, months later, one was to want the same thing again, and pray and pray about it. Would God say no? If so, why didn't He say no the first time around? It is greatly frustrating when God says nothing at all, although logically I know there is nothing yet to say.

Crazy? I was crazy once

I have discovered what I want in life. I want to be a mother. That is my goal in life. I had a dream last night that I had 3 girls already and was pregnant again because my husband wanted a boy. I thought of it today, if I get married before I'm 21 years old, I can have 8 children by the time I'm 35 and they won't be awkwardly older than one another. It really wouldn't be that hard. Sometimes there are things that I want very badly. I am not sure whether these things are right or wrong and God has decided to be silent on the subject for the time being. One of the great things about camp is that one can really get to know God in a very easy way, He's right there all the time. Not that He isn't other times, just at Redberry you can feel it all the time. That doesn't mean I always do the right thing, it's hard. But there are some things I want very badly, some things I am doing that I have wanted to for a long time. But God is still quiet with his opinion. The Bible, I am learning, does not answer everything. There are gray areas that only God can answer. So we wait.

Catch your breath

I never fully realized how much I needed you
Until you were gone
And now I don't know what to do
Because I can't talk to anyone else
The way I talk to you
.....
I've never trusted anyone the way I trusted you
But now you're gone
And now I don't know what to do
Because I never trusted anyone else
The way I trusted you


Have you ever wanted something
Knowing it would be better not to have it?
In the long run I see this sense
Learned over and over again
Yet still, sometimes I wonder
If it isn't so bad
To desire
To ignore my better senses
And live in the moment
As foolish as I know it to be
Knowing it would be better in the future
To have then instead of now
Even so, I don't doubt this desire
Stems from jealousy, the wrong reasons
Perhaps the reason it grips so strong
Tonight

You realize

These dreams can't be bad because your arms are so warm and so comfortable. And tonight, I am happy.

I guess.

I put a ribbon around your neck (right now yeah)
Put the flowers in their vases
The summer sunshine rides the sky
And everyone's in their places

Now we're just waiting for you
You're dancing on the shore of the sea
Every time I see you I smile
'Cause that's what you do to me

There you are and everyone holds their breath
Hoping that you'll answer correct
Promise me you'll cherish me
To love, honor, and protect

Sunsets are always beautiful
There's no way they cannot be
But they are nothing to your smile
When you turn to look at me

I've been dirtier than you want to know

I dislike being forced to spend the evening doing something I don't want to do, with people who I feel don't care whether I'm there or not anyways. So I didn't have the greatest attitude but I went in going to try to have fun and I did for a bit and then it was just terrible. I am not always a pleasant person to be around, especially when I'm not happy. I'll be the first to admit that. I'm frustrated tonight, with myself mostly, but partially with others. I guess I'm not a good person. Sometimes I don't care, sometimes I do. Sometimes I wonder what you must think of me. And then there are the days when all I want is one thing but it's that which I cannot have. I'm slowly getting used to that though.
So I'll go home and bury my head in my pillow and cry myself to sleep tonight, and maybe tomorrow my skin will be thicker and I won't care so much that I hate that I do care. It's still not my idea of a good time. Some days I'm so jealous of you, knowing that I love what I have jealousy is still so strong, wanting more.

Are you listening?

one in three, you are here
(one in three, you are here to tell me we can't do this)
to tell me we can't do this
(three for three, i'll disagree)
anymore
your hair and face against the mirror
as I take the steps to save what's left of me
someone's out when it's over
people steal from you they take anything they choose
it's good to see you
I missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
I just wanted to say
this all seems so easy but there's choices to make
can't decide
then look at the faces
candlelight we're burning the pages
but ask us why
and hurting ourselves with this false start
resign yourself
and always be (and we pretend)
without the one (it simply gets easier)
thing you need (but does it get easier)
debating words with no replies
when we have these mornings where we can't say goodbye
I wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and I keep losing this fight
I won't (I won't)
answer (answer)
dancing on the starlight glow
no one in the city knows
confidence can take you
nerves try to shake you
from going all the way
it's not that far
it's good to see you
I missed you last night
that's such a lovely color
it goes with your eyes
before we fall asleep
I just wanted to say
this all seems so easy
there's choices to make
we watch the tide roll in with cold air and coffee cakes
holding our words at lips
stopping the sounds they make
we know the way to go we know each step to take
to be here
these words with no replies
stopping we's and starting I's
this need is killing me and taking me over
I wanted to mean everything to you
but this isn't right
you keep coming back disassembled
and I keep losing this fight