Everybody's been there and I don't mean on vacation

Must I always be torn in two? Faced with going back to Saskatchewan, I am really excited for school and holidaying, but I don't want to leave here. I feel more like I belong in Calgary than anywhere else at the moment, regardless of my lack of friends and anything to do. Regardless of the fact that I spend a heck of a lot of time on the computer because I am lazy. I'd like to live here more permanently. It was hard to leave especially the JLYS and the people there. I love them to pieces, and I wish I had more time with them.
I'm a cheap drunk. If it was a more permanent amnesia I'd consider getting more drunk more often, but as all it seems to do is make me both meditative and louder it's not much good for a regular habit, those are things I don't need to do. It's the forgetting I want, and that's not permanent or perhaps possible with me. Oh well. Let's not make a habit of this, either way. But I don't want to go back, either. I don't belong there anymore. If I ever did.

Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God

There are days I am excited to die.
I made the mistake of mentioning this at work today. The girls called me a freak. Again. One pointed out that suicide is wrong, and wishing for it is not any better. I said I wasn't interested in killing myself. That desire has been gone from me for a very long time. She said wishing someone else will kill you isn't any better. I said I do not wish to be killed. I merely am excited to die. Sometimes. It is completely different. They did not understand.
It is not death itself I yearn for, it is being complete. Being with God. Belonging somewhere, at long last, in awe of my Creator for eternity. It is this aspect of death I desire. Freedom from the relentless endless struggle of following Christ, for it is far more difficult now than ever before to do the things I wish to do, and what I do not want to do, I do, while that I long to do I cannot. Therein lies the wondrous grace of God. It is hard to live like I ought, with these strong desires raging inside me, and this tendency to addiction I fight every day, knowing that I shouldn't be doing something even as I do it. The desire to forget is powerful. Death would finally defeat it. I'm not in a hurry to die, for I want to live my earthly life out first, I want to love and be loved, to marry and have children, to be passionate about God with everything I have and am. It is like CS Lewis said at the end of The Last Battle, "Term is over, the holidays have begun. The dream is ended, it is morning." I look forward to death as one would look forward to a holiday at the seaside, except that it is endless and each day more wondrous than the last. Why does this yearning for heaven brand me a freak? Lewis also said something about "since there is nothing to fill our desires in this world, obviously we were made for another world." Longing for another world, a true home and belonging, does in no way diminish the passion I have for this life, for this love. Maybe making it "easier" is not the right reason to desire an end to this life, but I also would wish to understand better the awesome glory of God. I do not understand it at all. I do not praise Him enough. I do not love Him like I ought. Giving all to Him is such a struggle. It should not be, but I am earthly still, and it is. Meeting my Maker and hearing Him say, "Well done, my child" is something we should all yearn for. "My child"!! What powerful words.
Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

You make it look so easy

Apparently it is abnormal to carry on conversations with the radio, one's cat, or oneself. Also, most people do not comment on seemingly obvious things, like the fact that it is raining or that the sky is very blue and the grass very green. I wish they would have told me these things years ago. It might have saved much trouble. However, I no longer mind being thought of as simple, or slightly stupid. I am older now, and set in my ways. There's nothing wrong with being considered crazy.

Playing devil's advocate

They want me to be like them
but I can't afford it
and I've forgotten how
But I would give myself to you
if you would show me how
and help me sleep at night
I would be vulnerable for you
the days I forget to remember
not to be
Of all the nights to lie awake
it sucks to lie alone
when to give up would mean I am like them
I've forgotten not to be

Call this living

Blessings come in strange ways.
In a way I'm running and in a way I have stopped running. Can I finally face my demons?
What am I running from?
The things I regret
The things I should regret and don't
The things I've done that I'm ashamed of
The things I've done I should be ashamed of and am not
The things I want to forget and can't
The things I don't want to remember
The people I should forgive and can't
The people that have hurt me
The people that I want to care about me and don't seem to
The people I care too much about
The places I want to be
The emotions I don't want to have
The fact that I don't understand normal people
The fact that I don't understand myself
The fact that I don't know how to handle things
The fact that I think I'm in love

We go hand in hand

I'm contemplating how I would explain my desire to be a normal person, in case someone ever asks.
To fit in without giving up the thing that makes me me.
To follow the trends without wondering where they are taking me.
To feel like I belong somewhere in a people sense of the where.
To be able to look past the pain instead of being distracted by it and wanting to help it.
To understand why people "need" cellular telephones and little blue cards that let them spend more money.
To ignore the savage beauty of the city.
To speak in words normal people use, instead of long unknown ones and abstract ones.
To have lost the childlike simplicity I somehow managed to keep.
To not see the "obvious" as something fascinating.

Of course, I don't actually want to lose what I am, but sometimes I wish I could understand the way other people think. Sometimes I wish I was normal, but the wish doesn't go deep. Otherwise I would be a clone and I wouldn't understand the loneliness of the hills and the savage beauty of the city, the brilliance of the sunset and the beauty of Tristan, the pain in the commercialism and the hopelessness of the materialism.
How did I avoid becoming a brand name facebook picture?

Let it rain, let the fire fall

I think I want another tattoo. Or two. This summer maybe? We'll see. Perhaps in the line of work I want to get into tattoos will be more an asset than a liability. They are good conversation starters, especially when they mean something. And I'm okay with that. Apparently inner city volunteering only exists on Thursdays in this town. That's okay. I'm stoked for helping out at the JLYS in two weeks. I'm also excited for what we're planning next week. My faith is becoming my own, but it is so much harder to live out than it is to say that I follow Christ. I guess that's called growing up. When God is the one thing I cling to because everything else is fallible. When without Christ I'd be dead already. When faith is slowly fighting to become the most important thing in my life. But dang it's hard. They say it's worth it though, and boy it is. I'm more than my Mennonite town made me. And I don't think I can go back anymore. But maybe we never could. Maybe that's the purpose of the thunderstorm.

No fixed address

I'm ready to be done work already. I'm ready to go home. The thing is, I am home. I have no doubt that this is where I am supposed to be. Enough things have happened to erase any questions in my mind. Either this is it or God is working through it anyway, in which case, this is it. I look forward to going to church here. I feel included in the church here. Unlike at home. I did not belong to that church. Maybe that was my own fault. But it's nice to be able to start over, in a place where I don't have a past and no one has any reason to ignore me yet. The pastors here have not betrayed me yet. Although I don't really know them and they don't really know me, so they really can't. Maybe I'm running from traditional church. Maybe traditional church is upside down anyway. Maybe relationship is more important. Maybe it's actually all about Jesus Christ, and knowing him. Maybe it's about relationship. Maybe the traditional ritualistic compartmentalized institution we call church has it confused. Maybe it's not all about the money and more about the trust. I'm ready to let go. I think. Either way, living here is the right place to be, and maybe I'll come out of this understanding more and knowing less.

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
(Lifehouse)

I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

I don't want to be in love with you. It's distracting. I can't do this alone. And praying about it is hard because I want it to go away and yet I don't. I can't tell what God wants. Maybe I can and I don't like the option, so I'm ignoring it. Unfortunately, ignoring things you know and yet don't like does not make them go away.
Go listen to “Spent on Rainy Days” by Bright Eyes. And then listen to “Happy Birthday to Me” (see lyrics). And then “Lua”. Actually, go buy his Noise Floor album. Unless you have an aversion to... darker lyrics.
I hate Carolina right now. We should have won. We need to win sometime.
I want a black and white girl kitten. Her name will be Tristan and she will live in my room with me. Because I am lonely and I miss my cats.
Also, I've been eating these strawberries and crème cookies like candy. I buy them because they remind me of my dead grandmother. I want to be a grandmother. Preferably before I'm 50.

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Fool's overture

Sometimes I contemplate telling you something that would screw over everything but sometimes I have such a hard time holding it in. Some things are too important to ruin. The thing is, I do feel this way.