One more time

It's nights like tonight that I am angry you are not here. Would you be mad if I called you my day late friend?

An experiment, I guess

I wrote a poem a while back this summer as an idea project, putting myself in someone else's shoes and seeing if I could write from their perspective. I kind of like it. Notice the alliteration.
Note: for anybody prone to worrying, I do not in actuality feel this way.

To you I'm just another number
Another statistic of suicide
I'm just someone who doesn't exist
Who looked at her life and chose to die
And you would have no idea
I was the kid you sat behind in math class last year
You never learned my name
It never would've been the same
You never know what you could change
To you I'm just yesterday's sad story
Until you read the gory story in today's newspaper obituary
And realize all you could've changed

Honestly

1) I do enjoy our conversations and arguments. Why exactly you hate the world. You're a different cookie, but I like talking to you.

2) Actually, I do think you are quite good-looking.

3) You're the only person I don't regret. I'm glad we turned out like we did and that we're such good friends.

4) What the hell are you thinking? You've broken every promise you made us, and you don't seem sorry at all. I promised I wouldn't judge you for it and I'm not, but I am furious with you because I'm worried about you. You don't seem to see the consequences of what you're doing, or you don't care. You're so intent on rebelling for love that you don't see the love you're turning your back to. We've been trying to save you from yourself for years.

5) A word of advice: don't give up on us for him. Come hang out on occasion, because you're neglecting us, and I'm worried about you.

6) I was lying. It's the only thing I've ever lied to you about, but I honestly can't tell you the truth.

7) Watch yourself. When the both of us are concerned about what you're fooling around with, it's probably a good idea to listen to at least him. Seriously. He knows you better and he loves you. You're family. I know this guy better than you and you are headed for trouble if you go out with him. Trust me, this is not a good relationship to pursue farther than friendship.

8) I'm so excited for you I squealed when I read your news. I am a little jealous though.

9) I miss you and your humor and your wisdom. Why did you have to leave?

10) Despite my best efforts, I like you. Why do you have to be so far away, with so little chance of liking me back?

God, what are You doing?

Jesus' blood never failed me yet

"I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends
You know I've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while You're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep You
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
trying to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover I don't understand
'cause I don't understand
love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the hearts deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride
love of a jealous kind"

"It's just enough to be strong in the broken places, should the world rely on faith tonight"
He loves me. HE loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME. He thinks I'm beautiful, scars and all. He wants to love me. He loves me forever and ever and ever and ever. And ever. Why is this so hard to grasp? Why do I suck at loving him back?

You can see the thunder

I no longer know what day it is, but I no longer care. Thursday/Friday was a really good day for me, I was up for over 30 hours and some things happened. I got to ride a motorcycle. I got to see people I love. I got to have a sweet personal discussion with a guy from work. I got to laugh at a girl working in Safeway who didn't know what she was talking about. I can give blood after August 15th. Everything's running together. It's not fair but it's the way it should be. I don't want you to go because I love you, but we are where we're supposed to be and I can't change it. I get to go home soon.

Christmas lights in the cemetery

Last night was the best night I've had in a really long time. You have no idea what you've done for me, honestly. The silence in the graveyard was so peaceful. Until we started talking. And you're different from everyone else, because you make sense, and you don't judge me when you see my faults. If we were ever enemies I'd be screwed because you know me better than most. You know most of my secrets, but not all. Never all. It would be so easy for me to do what they all say I should, but I can't. I learned in February, and it scares me. You can never know that. Let's just spend more time in the cemetery at night.

Unsurprising but no better off

Today I spent 10 minutes pacing outside in the rain swearing at the trees. Trees don't get offended like people do. And I needed to swear at something. Because you never remember. Or else you just don't care. I'm sick of being the only one who cares. I'm sick of crying every single day, and half the nights. I'm sick of wishing you would call. Just once, can something go right? Can I get lucky? Or is it an illusion that'll come crashing down the first time I try to show you, once again, that I can't stop caring?

Encouraging

"In the girl there's a room
in the room there's a table
on the table there's a candle
and it won't burn out
In the woman there’s a song
in the song there is hope
in the hope revolution
In the boy there's a voice
in the voice there's a calling
in the call there's a promise
and it won't quiet down
In the man there's a vision
in the vision is a road
it's the road to his freedom...
Oh, tell me what you know
about God and the world and the human soul
how so much can go wrong
and still there are songs
In the man there’s a plan
in the plan is his future
and the future’s for his child
and he won’t slow down
In the girl there is faith
in the faith there’s a prayer
in the prayer there’s a promise
In the boy is a dream
in the dream he is standing
and he stands without falling
and he won't back down
In the woman is a picture
in the picture is a girl
in the girl there's a room...
In our hearts and souls
an unstoppable refrain
hope stands in defiance

this is a song about the defiance of a prayer"

Bipolar butterfly

Isn't it funny what we have become? In kindergarten, scared, getting to know each other, making friends for the first time, learning to write our numbers and letters, we didn't really think of the future. As we grew older things changed but life evened itself out soon enough. We had our friends and our lives. At the end of grade 6 we were so excited to go to the high school and leave "Diaperville" behind. We didn't understand then what we could, and would become. Through high school we grew older and learned more, but we didn't realize it at the time. Maybe you can only truly see yourself looking back. At grad, we were generally happy and pumped for the future, but we started to see some of the things that were happening. Things we never thought we would become, way back in kindergarten. Angry. Bitter. Hurt. Addicted. Torn up and put back together. Chewed up and spit out. Lovers. Haters. Dreamers. Defiant. Hopeful. Faithful. Unfaithful. Empty. Full. High. Low. Too far ahead. Left behind in the dust. Waiting. Who do we think we are? And who the heck did we think we would be? I don't think it's the same thing.

Take me

"And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm"

I never knew it would be so hard. In fact, compared to now, it was easy. Why are you doing this? I don't understand. Not that I would expect to but it would be nice to see at least some sort of something proving this was the right choice. Instead, everything is telling me it's going to get harder yet. Why?