classes i'm taking next year

so next year for the first semester i'm taking chem, physics, math 20, and english. i don't think i'm taking law. if any one has a good reason why i should go out and comment. and probably german correspondance again. 2nd semester i'm taking phys ed, social, math 30A, bio, and maybe french. but i might drop french for a spare. of course, IF i go to australia all the first semester will be thrown out of whack. IF i go i will go for hopefully september october november and an aussie will come here for the next semester. its still a big IF because we dont know how much itll cost or whether there is even someone in australia who wants to come here. but i want to be here for basketball season, for grad, for YC, and for in exile for awhile, which will take place in social 2nd semester. most of those things do, and australia has summer in like january, february, so its logical that i go in the first 3 months of school. but God has been vague on whether i should go or not. so theres still that very important point.

in other news, I'M GETTING BAPTIZED ON SUNDAY. i's so excited! everyone come. everyone also go out and buy HIllsong United pink CD. it is sooo good.

today is my daddy's birthday and my half-birthday. so we might go to the city for supper.

Quote of the day: "what mortal breath blood money brings" -Jars of Clay, i forget which song on their who we are instead CD

I love you forever

Our God is an awesome God
He reigns over heaven and earth
With wisdom power and love
Our God is an awesome God

Ah, frick. Poetry RAMPAGE

Where you are is so far different from where you could be

Running, searching, desperately wishing
You could find yourself before you lose again
Hanging on to your senses
As you're plunged into the strange world
You chose.
Seeking through the fog
The pieces of your soul
Clinging madly to your senses
As you forget the way home
Calling, living, dying
As you yearn to leave.
Nothing more than hopeless
You scream.




I feel like pouring out my heartbut the only words I have
are these songs running through my head
So I bite back the things I feel, tasting my tongue-blood
Reverting to the words in my mind
which pour out like a waterfall
Tumbling over one another, around, over and over
What I want to say forming in mind but not releasing
Rushing around, what is there to say,
all I have are these songs
Watch as you leave again, I still haven't asked
why you picked me over all





Time

Time is passing
Quick, quick, quicker
And as we grow older
I miss you more and more
This world keeps on turning
We live our quiet little lives
A flash, a breath, and we are gone
Impacting each other’s eternity
Moment by moment
We’re not here all that long
And I only knew you for a week
But you left an imprint on my heart
So here I am
Hoping against hope
That I can say ‘I love you’
Before time has gone





Damage

Do you realize what you’re doing?
Can you understand what’s happening to me?
Rejection
Abandonment
And all I wanted was acceptance
So ‘I’ll show you damage’
Cut cut cut cut
Now I’m in tatters
Opened for you to see
Exactly what you’ve done to me




Forgotten

My friend,
I don’t suppose
You remember me
Laughing here, all those long years ago
Laughing by your side, short times ago
I can’t suppose
You remember me
Playing here, time and time again
Playing alongside you, laughing in time’s face
I won’t suppose
You remember me
Crying here, over many years, many hurts, many tears
Crying for and with you, many years past
I shouldn’t suppose
You remember me
Hurting here, my pain and yours was great
Hurting here, praying for a light
I mustn’t suppose
You remember me
Leaving here, dark as shadow and quicksilver fast
Leaving here, betraying my dearest love, my home
So I’m begging you
To only remember me as
One of the
Forgotten





Over Again

What have I done?
Take out my pain
On you
You’re not innocent
And your anger will rage
Cut me down, laugh
All over again
I can’t do a thing about it
I’m so lost
There’s nothing left in me but a fury so strong
I’ll snap any second
And an agape love
My only emotions left are frustration fury and love
and intense pain
What do I do
When all I want to do is hurt
Put my pain into you
Make you feel what I go through
And I can’t change
What have I done?
Take out my pain
On myself




Scream I’m Sorry

My frustration is hurting you
But it’s killing me
And my anger is ruining your life
But your rejection is hurting me
I’m longing to go back
To change from what is to what once was
But you refuse
And wallow in your guilt and hate
Once I stabbed you in the back
I slapped you and spit in your face
And I’m terribly sorry
Begging you to forgive me
You hold out don’t care anymore
Laugh at my pain
while inside yours is worse
We’ll take our secret to our graves
Fog is filling my senses
Mist is falling over my mind
You’ll die before forgiving me
because you can’t forgive yourself
What am I supposed to do?
Scream I’m sorry, cry
For what was lost
My only consolation being
the life inside of you
My child.




Last Relief

I’ve nothing left to feel
Nothing left to say
(no one to say it to)
I’ve felt all there is
Except remorse
And I have regrets
But there is no pardon
Tomorrow I will die
Your family asks for a ‘sorry’
I won’t give it
I’m not sorry
This past year I’ve been caged
And now they’ll kill me
For killing you
I can’t escape and I am bored
There is no relief and no parole
So I’m still locked up
a ‘madman’
a murderer
They judged and I am to die
Can’t they understand?
I guess not
But tomorrow I will die
Alone
My last relief




Dark Blue Eyes

Are you losing your mind?
I see you there
Why don’t you see me?
Am I invisible?
I want to help you
But you’re refusing to even look
notice my love
You’re going to gamble your life off
I’m begging you,
keep it
So I can care for you
You’re not content
I see through your dark blue eyes
Right into your soul
Please look back
Please don’t hurt yourself
You’re trying to be what you’re not
Slow down
‘Till you see past what you are
To what you could be.

Bad Day

if anyone knows the lyrics to REM's "Bad Day" could they please tell me.

yesterday was really crappy. i stopped caring. i hate home ec right now.

Hooray!…or not. Maybe.

I’ll make this quick because I’m supposed to be in bed right now. So I might MIGHT get to go to Australia for a few months on an exchange student trip. I say maybe because my parents don’t know if they want me to go yet. Frustrating. The cause of yet another fight between me and my mother. I know my parents love me but sometimes they sure don’t like me at all. I have a bad case of wanderlust. But heres a poem I wrote after our argument.

Thoughts whirling through my head
You’ve forgotten how it is
To be restless
Wanderlust running through my veins
Let me out, let me go
You’ve forgotten I’m different
You can’t hold on forever
Born to be more than ordinary



one more short poem:

Lying
Awake in the Dark
Pondering life
Wishing you were here
Next to me.

Do you believe in MIRACLES?

Today in church during sharing time Carrie said that on Wednesday Darla lost one of her babies. i am assuming this is not a secret as in was shared in church, so please don't get mad if it is. for anyone who doesn't know, Darla was pregnant with twins. there is now only 1. this made me real sad. now i'm praying that God will bring back the other, though. He can work through anyone who prays. pray Darla will have 2 heartbeats in her womb, and that both are healthy and perfectly formed. pray for that family. i think that God wants to do something through Darla and this pregnancy. i dont know if He will bring back the other, and i'm afraid to get anybody's hopes up. but there will be a miracle. pray. miracle babies.


another thing: this is why my blog is named sex or basketball. just so people stop asking me. one time i was thinking and i couldn't decide if i would pick playing basketball for the rest of my life or having a family, if it came down to only having 1. even though i'm not very good at basketball. i still love it. there you go. now no one will have to ask anymore.


i hate Fridays.

quote of the day: "that is a dating swing" me to Hailey on a big swing she got on her porch. not a very good quote, i know. look for more poetry, coming soon.

Songs that apply to me

Can you hear me?
Does anyone around me
Feel the way that I do now?
Cause from the window where I sometimes cry
I just want to see Your face tonight
And I’m willing to lose everything I am

Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ve been going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it’ll be alright
You’re not alone anymore

When You’re near me, I feel like I just found me
In the traces of the boy from yesterday
But in a world that is so black and white
I will take the steps to change my life
And I won’t be coming back to here again

I need Your loving hand to guide me
Through the maze of all the things inside me
Then I’ll know that I’m alright

Cause I need You more than ever
I need Your help to find where I’ll be going wrong so far

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it’ll be alright
You’re not alone anymore

Please help me get from worse to better
Before these tears soak through this lonely sweater
And let me know that I’m alright
I still have one strike of this match left
And I’m holding on to my last breath
And it’s getting a little dark around to see here

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on cause it’ll be alright
You’re not alone

Take me under Your wing tonight
Make me so perfect in Your eyes
Hold on it’ll be alright
You’re not alone

And You’ll be here forever, forever You’ll stay
And You promised to love me, You’ll love me always
You’ll love me for always, You’ll love me for always
Always

“Take Me” by Hawk Nelson

more on YC

there are funny quotes on Jess's blog

one thing I remembered about the speaker at YC is that he told us about this friend he has named Brother Andrew. Who is a little 79 year old Dutchman who smuggled Bibles across the iron curtain years ago. And now Brother Andrew makes friends with terrorists and leaders of Columbia drug cartels and leaders of Hamas terrorist organizations such as Yussuf Aramat. I had heard of this guy only like once before but apparently hes a really big terrorist along the lines of Osama bin Laden. And this little Dutch friend of our speakers goes right up to these guys and goes ‘hi, I’m Brother Andrew, I’m from Holland, and I’d like to be your friend.’ He has pictures of himself arm in arm with these terrorists. Hes 79!!! And when asked why he did this, he said that somebodys gotta go and show Jesus to them. Our speaker said he asked God why pick Brother Andrew and not someone younger and then he realized that God probably called a whole bunch of people to go and do this but Andrew was the only one who said yes he’ll go. God doesn’t become angry with you when you say that you cant/ don’t want to do what He asks. He just finds someone else. I would like to say that I’m brave enough to do that but I really don’t know.
Another thought; I get sometimes where I get a powerful urge to pray for someone, especially after like a worship leader has said, you can pray with people, you can go, or do whatever, but we’ll (the band) keep playing. Its odd because sometimes I’ll barely know the person God wants me to pray for. That happened tonight. At youth. And even if I don’t know them, I’ll get the right words to say and I’ll know exactly how to pray for them. And I was thinking, God is giving me these words, but he needs me to pray for this person. He knows exactly what theyre going through and He could fix it in a jiffy but he wants me to pray so he can work through me or what ever. Kind of funny, thinking that God needs us, but he does. The creator needs the created. How odd. Our God does not work in common ways.
Another thought; when I was at YC the worship leader would say everybody scream to God, shout and tell Him how you feel. Not in those exact words, but the whole place would shout. It was loud, but amazingly cool. And heres the thing. I couldn’t shout. I could speak a few seconds later, but when the people were shouting to God, he didn’t let me shout too. I don’t know why.

Here is the quote of the day: a wet bird never flies at night

There's a lot of traffic outside my window and its 2 in the morning

well, now it's 3 am and i need to get to bed. so here's a poem written by me tonight. (i typed the post before actually going on the internet, as we have dialup)

There is only one road
Long and alone
Though in my short life
I have travelled many beaten paths, forgotten as they are
Searching, seeking but unable to find
Hoping deep within my very being,
My soul
To randomly stumble across it-
The lonely road

Broken, bleeding, torn
I piece my tattered soul together
Crying bitterly, reaching desperately
Towards the majestic One
The only One who can reach my tangled, battered body
He picks me up and washes my brokenness
Sets me on the only road
Whispers to my grateful heart
Filled with an amazing love,
I laugh
Follow down the hard road
The innocent King who was killed to take me home.

So its 2:30 in the morning and I got back from YC a little more than an hour ago. It was AMAZING. Repeat: AMAZING. The worship band was Hillsong United from Australia. They came all the way from Australia to play for Edmonton. The speaker was from England. United was UNBELIEVABLE. The lead singer, JD, jumped around and danced like you would not believe. No strings attached- pure, unadulterated worship. The raise your hands, scream to God worship. The kind that you never want to end. 16000 people in that hockey rink. 16 thousand. And every single one of them was worshiping God. One of the most amazing sights I have ever seen. And the songs! Well, we learned a couple new songs that are on the United CD. At least, I didn’t know them. And I highly recommend any Hillsong United CD. Theres 4. You can get them at parables or blessings. And on Saturday night, we sang Awesome God over and over again. 4 lines.
Our God is an awesome God
He reigns over heaven and earth
With wisdom, power and love
Our God is an awesome God.
You get 16000 people singing that and its incredible. God was in that rink, let me tell you. I could feel Him. It is times like that where I don’t understand how people can say there is no God. There is a God, I have felt him.
Our speaker was Mike Pilavachi from England somewhere. He was really good. Captivating. What he spoke about is running out of my head like sand through a sieve so I’ll tell you when I remember it. Anybody else who went to YC who reads this kindly jog my memory. And I saw Hawk Nelson, who were really good, and TFK, but we were behind the stage so that was disappointing because it was really hard to hear, and Kutless was really good- we were on the floor for that one. Audio Adrenaline and Toby Mac both had main stages, and they were both real good as well. Same with Delirious?. And Phil Dooley and Joel Houston from Australia had little sessions, and I went to those. There were a bunch more but those I went to with Steph, Jess and Lance.
But the worship was beyond amazing. Undescribable. Pour your heart out. Scream to God. Cry. 16000 people and theyre all worshiping the one true God. Loudly. None of my words can describe what I felt in there. God was palpable, kind of. You felt like you were at home in an NHL hockey rink with thousands of people youd never met before in your life. Home. And you want it to go on forever. The worship band, on stage, was amazing. JD jumped around and pretty much did everything you could ever do on a stage while deliriously worshiping God, and then some. I desire to go to Australia and see what it is like at their home church.

So I really need to go to bed now. I’ll post more about YC tomorrow…um…later this morning?

Brown eyes are hot.