Playing devil's advocate

They want me to be like them
but I can't afford it
and I've forgotten how
But I would give myself to you
if you would show me how
and help me sleep at night
I would be vulnerable for you
the days I forget to remember
not to be
Of all the nights to lie awake
it sucks to lie alone
when to give up would mean I am like them
I've forgotten not to be

Call this living

Blessings come in strange ways.
In a way I'm running and in a way I have stopped running. Can I finally face my demons?
What am I running from?
The things I regret
The things I should regret and don't
The things I've done that I'm ashamed of
The things I've done I should be ashamed of and am not
The things I want to forget and can't
The things I don't want to remember
The people I should forgive and can't
The people that have hurt me
The people that I want to care about me and don't seem to
The people I care too much about
The places I want to be
The emotions I don't want to have
The fact that I don't understand normal people
The fact that I don't understand myself
The fact that I don't know how to handle things
The fact that I think I'm in love

We go hand in hand

I'm contemplating how I would explain my desire to be a normal person, in case someone ever asks.
To fit in without giving up the thing that makes me me.
To follow the trends without wondering where they are taking me.
To feel like I belong somewhere in a people sense of the where.
To be able to look past the pain instead of being distracted by it and wanting to help it.
To understand why people "need" cellular telephones and little blue cards that let them spend more money.
To ignore the savage beauty of the city.
To speak in words normal people use, instead of long unknown ones and abstract ones.
To have lost the childlike simplicity I somehow managed to keep.
To not see the "obvious" as something fascinating.

Of course, I don't actually want to lose what I am, but sometimes I wish I could understand the way other people think. Sometimes I wish I was normal, but the wish doesn't go deep. Otherwise I would be a clone and I wouldn't understand the loneliness of the hills and the savage beauty of the city, the brilliance of the sunset and the beauty of Tristan, the pain in the commercialism and the hopelessness of the materialism.
How did I avoid becoming a brand name facebook picture?

Let it rain, let the fire fall

I think I want another tattoo. Or two. This summer maybe? We'll see. Perhaps in the line of work I want to get into tattoos will be more an asset than a liability. They are good conversation starters, especially when they mean something. And I'm okay with that. Apparently inner city volunteering only exists on Thursdays in this town. That's okay. I'm stoked for helping out at the JLYS in two weeks. I'm also excited for what we're planning next week. My faith is becoming my own, but it is so much harder to live out than it is to say that I follow Christ. I guess that's called growing up. When God is the one thing I cling to because everything else is fallible. When without Christ I'd be dead already. When faith is slowly fighting to become the most important thing in my life. But dang it's hard. They say it's worth it though, and boy it is. I'm more than my Mennonite town made me. And I don't think I can go back anymore. But maybe we never could. Maybe that's the purpose of the thunderstorm.

No fixed address

I'm ready to be done work already. I'm ready to go home. The thing is, I am home. I have no doubt that this is where I am supposed to be. Enough things have happened to erase any questions in my mind. Either this is it or God is working through it anyway, in which case, this is it. I look forward to going to church here. I feel included in the church here. Unlike at home. I did not belong to that church. Maybe that was my own fault. But it's nice to be able to start over, in a place where I don't have a past and no one has any reason to ignore me yet. The pastors here have not betrayed me yet. Although I don't really know them and they don't really know me, so they really can't. Maybe I'm running from traditional church. Maybe traditional church is upside down anyway. Maybe relationship is more important. Maybe it's actually all about Jesus Christ, and knowing him. Maybe it's about relationship. Maybe the traditional ritualistic compartmentalized institution we call church has it confused. Maybe it's not all about the money and more about the trust. I'm ready to let go. I think. Either way, living here is the right place to be, and maybe I'll come out of this understanding more and knowing less.

Broken lights on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
I haven't forgotten my way home
(Lifehouse)

I'll fight like hell to hide that I've given up

I don't want to be in love with you. It's distracting. I can't do this alone. And praying about it is hard because I want it to go away and yet I don't. I can't tell what God wants. Maybe I can and I don't like the option, so I'm ignoring it. Unfortunately, ignoring things you know and yet don't like does not make them go away.
Go listen to “Spent on Rainy Days” by Bright Eyes. And then listen to “Happy Birthday to Me” (see lyrics). And then “Lua”. Actually, go buy his Noise Floor album. Unless you have an aversion to... darker lyrics.
I hate Carolina right now. We should have won. We need to win sometime.
I want a black and white girl kitten. Her name will be Tristan and she will live in my room with me. Because I am lonely and I miss my cats.
Also, I've been eating these strawberries and crème cookies like candy. I buy them because they remind me of my dead grandmother. I want to be a grandmother. Preferably before I'm 50.

All eyes on the calendar
Another year I claim of total indifference
To here, the days pile up
With decisions to be made, I'm sure all of them were wrong
Into this song I send myself
And with these drinks I plan to collapse
And forget this wasted year, these wasted years
Devoted friends, they disappear
And I'm sorry about the phone call and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing or not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
I guess that it's typical
To cling to memories you'll never get back again
And to sort through old photographs
Of a summer long ago or a friend that you used to know
And there below
His frozen face
You wrote the name and that ancient date, that ancient date
And you can't believe that he's really gone
When all that's left is a fucking song and
I'm sorry about the phone call; and waking you.
I know that it is late,
But thank you for talking, because I needed to.
Some things just can't wait.

Fool's overture

Sometimes I contemplate telling you something that would screw over everything but sometimes I have such a hard time holding it in. Some things are too important to ruin. The thing is, I do feel this way.

The ever-present question [until we 'figure it out']

Teri: I have absolutely no desire to ever ever go to university.
Aunt: Well then, what do you want to do with your life?
*pause*
Aunt: You want to get married and have babies.
Teri: Yes, I want to get married and have babies. I want to love people. I want to use the computer less and have better relationships instead. I want to help those that are hurting. I want to read books and write stories. I want to go for walks and plant gardens. I want to get mail and I want to send mail. I want to raise my children. I want to forgive others and myself. I want to be forgiven. I want to drive my car and ride horses. I want to get more tattoos and use them to tell stories about God's faithfulness. I want to fall asleep in someone's arms. I want to wake up and see the sunrise. I want to see parts of the world. I want to remember the people I meet, and have them remember me. I want to play hockey every now and again. I want to dream. I want to bleed. I want to dance in the rain. But most of all, I want to love God with all of my being. And none of these things require "higher" education. [Or facebook.]

You belong with me

I want to feel like I belong somewhere. Sometimes I wish that lots of people felt the same as I do, but then I take it back. I would not wish this on anyone else. Some people would go insane. I think that the only reason I am not is that I already was a little crazy.
There are lots of real hills here and on top of some of them you can see mountains. They are very pretty. I like to look at them. They are very tall, and are blue with white tops. Sometimes there are clouds on top of them. There is no flatness here and you cannot see the sunset as well when there are big hills. When I drive north, there is one point when I can see the whole city skyline, and the whole south side of the city laid out before me. It is also beautful, but it is a different beautiful than the mountains. They are both breathtaking, just in different ways. I live in a really cute one room apartment above my aunt and uncle's garage. Garage almost spells gargle, which sounds like gargoyle. There are no gargoyles here. Just wind, which makes sounds like gargoyles. It is a nice place to live. Sometimes the hills feel sad. The sadness of the hills gets in my blood, and I feel it like a restless toxin running up and down my body.

Coming and going

I'm leaving tomorrow I guess. It feels kind of surreal. I know I can't stay here but there's a part of me that wants to because I'm scared of going. Things are going to be new and different. And hey, it's only for 4 months. I can handle that. Besides, this is something I have wanted to do for a long time, and I am looking forward to it. It's time. It's like knowing I can't go back to camp; as much as I want to go, it's not the right place for me. I have to move on. As much as I love the place, staying there would be wrong. It would be bad. Sometimes people tell me not to close doors, not to say with finality that I am not going back, but those people are being stupid. I have to close those doors, because if I don't, the temptation to walk through them again is strong. It's easier to have them closed, where they tempt me less and the force that I heave them shut with swings open other doors. I know when things are right. Camp is not one of those things, and probably never will be again. And I'm okay with that now. I'll come home when it is time again to go home.