Why is it so damned hard to find a place I can truly be happy? Why am I trying so hard to find a place called home when is all actuality home is right here where I am? Why do the words you write speak so clearly to me my heart hurts when I hear them? Why do I wait so long for you but you never call so it's never worth it? And why oh why do I keep coming back and thinking maybe this time it'll be different when you so obviously never cared for me in the first place, and all those times were just obligation? I guess it's been too long, one too many nights spent waiting. So it's over then, and all I now have to do is wait for summer, when I can escape to one of the original places I was ever truly content.
I just wanted the assurance that I am still here for a reason, that I'm not crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not losing my mind and remind me of the things I love. Let me know that I haven't lost my mind.
Why do I give up so easily?
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Sherbet spigot med kit
Went out job hunting today. Didn't catch any, maybe it would help if I learned to aim when I shoot. All those poor jobs, running around out there and not hanging on my wall as trophies. However, all the places I went to said that they'd keep my resume resume resume resume resumae should be spelled like that and not like resume. Continue. [That was a terrible pun, I love it.] The place I would most like to work at is the butcher shop in Martensville {I seem to be the antithesis of Nicole here} and they seemed to be the least likely to hire me. The place I would least like to work is Tim Hortons and they seemed fairly eager to hire me, all things considering. I also applied at the nursing home here in town and I phoned my neighbor who owns chicken barns to see if he needed someone, but my first choice would be the butcher shop. I have butchered a cow before and it was great fun. A very good skill to have, butchering. Very useful. Good to know after you've shot and bagged a job.
Anyways, "Hey guys, I forget, how old are you when you're fifteen?" Hey, Lindsay?
Anyways, "Hey guys, I forget, how old are you when you're fifteen?" Hey, Lindsay?
Thursday, March 08, 2007
There is always tomorrow
Now what? There's so many places I want to be and so many people I want to stay up all night talking to and so few of them live in this town.
"I'll close my eyes, just for tonight, the sun still sleeps, and when she wakes... maybe we will find love again..."
As different as we are, it feels so natural to hang out with you, and I'm so happy when I'm with you guys, you make me smile so unlike so many people from here. There's nothing tying me here anymore except school and a few friends, none as close anymore as I wish we were, as we used to be. And a few that I never want to see again but I have to because it's the required thing now, you hang out in the same group so you're supposed to like each other but I'M SO SICK OF YOU and it's all falling out. It's all disappearing, and in a little while it'll all be gone. And there's still so much we never said and so much we'll regret so live it while you have it because soon it will be a memory. And I hate that. Isn't that ironic...
"I'll close my eyes, just for tonight, the sun still sleeps, and when she wakes... maybe we will find love again..."
As different as we are, it feels so natural to hang out with you, and I'm so happy when I'm with you guys, you make me smile so unlike so many people from here. There's nothing tying me here anymore except school and a few friends, none as close anymore as I wish we were, as we used to be. And a few that I never want to see again but I have to because it's the required thing now, you hang out in the same group so you're supposed to like each other but I'M SO SICK OF YOU and it's all falling out. It's all disappearing, and in a little while it'll all be gone. And there's still so much we never said and so much we'll regret so live it while you have it because soon it will be a memory. And I hate that. Isn't that ironic...
Monday, March 05, 2007
Like drinking liquid nitrogen from a bottle
I'm tired of this. I want to get out and there's no way out. I'm a fool. My head hurts and my body hurts, but my heart hurts worst of all tonight.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Fire can make a conscience clean
So let go of this echo, I have to learn to let go
As long as this is burning I don't know if I can
But just like the song says pour on the gasoline
"Fire can make a conscience clean"
So we'll burn it down and forget
There's so much time left
To one day get this straight and remember maybe forever
Don't ask me the perfunctory questions that you feel you must in order to be polite. I would rather you just said hello than ask me questions you don't even want an answer to, because I can see through you and you don't really care. It's not necessary to go beyond that because you don't know me and you're not trying to know me. An old newspaper clipping is a tiny aspect of me, not the only part, but it's the only part you know so you ask about it, expecting a one word answer, "good", but you won't get that because it's not true, and then you regret asking. I don't want your false curiousity, because you are transparent, and I don't need that.
As long as this is burning I don't know if I can
But just like the song says pour on the gasoline
"Fire can make a conscience clean"
So we'll burn it down and forget
There's so much time left
To one day get this straight and remember maybe forever
Don't ask me the perfunctory questions that you feel you must in order to be polite. I would rather you just said hello than ask me questions you don't even want an answer to, because I can see through you and you don't really care. It's not necessary to go beyond that because you don't know me and you're not trying to know me. An old newspaper clipping is a tiny aspect of me, not the only part, but it's the only part you know so you ask about it, expecting a one word answer, "good", but you won't get that because it's not true, and then you regret asking. I don't want your false curiousity, because you are transparent, and I don't need that.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
I don't care what everyone was laughing at
"I don't know what everyone was looking at
I don't care what everyone was laughing at
I don't know what everyone was staring at
But I think, I think that it's me"
I think that the more I want something these days the more God says to me, you don't really need that as much as you think you do, so I won't give it to you as you'd like it. Be happy with what you have and don't always go asking for more. It is frustrating. We all know that I am not the most patient person around, and as such I hate waiting, especially when I really really want something. But what's in my head is not necessarily in my heart, and if it is in both then it is not necessarily in God's plan for me. Because it's not happening and there's not much I can do about it anymore. Already, I'm annoyed that I even have to try. So what do I do besides pray? And when you tell me to pray it's still annoying because that's what I have been doing. This sounds almost blasphemous because I'm not the good Christian who prays over everything, and my prayers are mostly selfish anyway. But still, I wish someone would come up with a better answer than 'pray about it'. It sounds so wrong to say but I'm tired of praying about this and yet I know it's not the time for it to happen yet. So let's get on with this God. I've told you time and again that I want to do this before the world ends, so what's wrong with starting now? Even though I still am in high school, I'll be out in four months. It's not like no one else has done it. It's not even like I'm starting exceptionally early, in fact compared to some people I'm actually late. I do like what I've got but is it such a sin to want more? In fact, is this such a unique frustration?Not really but I tend to think it is simply because I am selfish. I want this but I want it now and not in God's timing, so it comes down to can I have it now but not for long or can I wait on God and take a chance that this could possibly be forever? And I know which one I want more but it still depends on God and other people and my new realization of how much patience I can actually have.
"He made them run as fast as they could, before they had been running as fast as they thought they could, which is not quite the same thing."
Oh, how I wish it was summer.
I don't care what everyone was laughing at
I don't know what everyone was staring at
But I think, I think that it's me"
I think that the more I want something these days the more God says to me, you don't really need that as much as you think you do, so I won't give it to you as you'd like it. Be happy with what you have and don't always go asking for more. It is frustrating. We all know that I am not the most patient person around, and as such I hate waiting, especially when I really really want something. But what's in my head is not necessarily in my heart, and if it is in both then it is not necessarily in God's plan for me. Because it's not happening and there's not much I can do about it anymore. Already, I'm annoyed that I even have to try. So what do I do besides pray? And when you tell me to pray it's still annoying because that's what I have been doing. This sounds almost blasphemous because I'm not the good Christian who prays over everything, and my prayers are mostly selfish anyway. But still, I wish someone would come up with a better answer than 'pray about it'. It sounds so wrong to say but I'm tired of praying about this and yet I know it's not the time for it to happen yet. So let's get on with this God. I've told you time and again that I want to do this before the world ends, so what's wrong with starting now? Even though I still am in high school, I'll be out in four months. It's not like no one else has done it. It's not even like I'm starting exceptionally early, in fact compared to some people I'm actually late. I do like what I've got but is it such a sin to want more? In fact, is this such a unique frustration?Not really but I tend to think it is simply because I am selfish. I want this but I want it now and not in God's timing, so it comes down to can I have it now but not for long or can I wait on God and take a chance that this could possibly be forever? And I know which one I want more but it still depends on God and other people and my new realization of how much patience I can actually have.
"He made them run as fast as they could, before they had been running as fast as they thought they could, which is not quite the same thing."
Oh, how I wish it was summer.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
It's not in my nature to try only once
I'm wasting my life waiting on you
But tonight I really don't care
And as long as you'll be there in the morning
I'm willing to try one more time
But tonight I really don't care
And as long as you'll be there in the morning
I'm willing to try one more time
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Slow the evening down... the stars are coming out
"It is better to believe when all hope is lost than to not believe and lose all hope."
"It's a song about never giving up, about following your dreams at all costs, and never losing hope."
I think that someone should kidnap Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn, and take her away to a small country town and raise her as their own daughter, away from this ridiculous custody battle and who her father is. The poor child's life is going to be so screwed up just because of who her parents are, or claim to be, or who claims to be her parents. It makes me sad that she, like so many other children of celebrities, will be analyzed and watched and in the public eye her whole life, for no other reason than to satisfy our sick desire to watch other people's lives close enough to point out all their faults. This little girl never asked to be famous, she never asked to have 5 different men claim to be her father, she would never want this. Would you?
So someone, please, take her and never let anyone find her, raise her as your own. Keep her away from this disgusting world of famousness. Take her to Sunday School, make her read the classic books, take her to visit her grandparents every Sunday for lunch. Buy her wooden blocks to play with instead of the newest Playstation. Teach her to ride horses and rope cows. Teach her to sew and buy her rag dolls. Any girl would rather have a rag doll than a Barbie. Teach her to speak two languages, to play the piano and sing. Have family nights and play games with her. Make her share a room with her sisters and let her wrestle with her brothers. Teach her to shoot but get her a pet. Let her climb trees and ride bikes, and go out with friends without supervision when she is old enough. And when she falls and scrapes her knees, kiss it better and shoo her outside to play some more. When she's old enough to date, ask that her boyfriend come get permission from her father before he takes her out. Let her get a job and make money, don't just buy her things that she wants. Let her live a simple life, a normal life, without photographers behind every bush or tree. Show her that the beauty is in the simplicity of life and family. Love her.
"It's a song about never giving up, about following your dreams at all costs, and never losing hope."
I think that someone should kidnap Anna Nicole Smith's daughter Dannielynn, and take her away to a small country town and raise her as their own daughter, away from this ridiculous custody battle and who her father is. The poor child's life is going to be so screwed up just because of who her parents are, or claim to be, or who claims to be her parents. It makes me sad that she, like so many other children of celebrities, will be analyzed and watched and in the public eye her whole life, for no other reason than to satisfy our sick desire to watch other people's lives close enough to point out all their faults. This little girl never asked to be famous, she never asked to have 5 different men claim to be her father, she would never want this. Would you?
So someone, please, take her and never let anyone find her, raise her as your own. Keep her away from this disgusting world of famousness. Take her to Sunday School, make her read the classic books, take her to visit her grandparents every Sunday for lunch. Buy her wooden blocks to play with instead of the newest Playstation. Teach her to ride horses and rope cows. Teach her to sew and buy her rag dolls. Any girl would rather have a rag doll than a Barbie. Teach her to speak two languages, to play the piano and sing. Have family nights and play games with her. Make her share a room with her sisters and let her wrestle with her brothers. Teach her to shoot but get her a pet. Let her climb trees and ride bikes, and go out with friends without supervision when she is old enough. And when she falls and scrapes her knees, kiss it better and shoo her outside to play some more. When she's old enough to date, ask that her boyfriend come get permission from her father before he takes her out. Let her get a job and make money, don't just buy her things that she wants. Let her live a simple life, a normal life, without photographers behind every bush or tree. Show her that the beauty is in the simplicity of life and family. Love her.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
You're nothing but a dreamer
What's wrong with dreaming? They always said dream big, and when I do you tell me it'll never happen. You say it's impossible, it's illogical, no one would want that these days. Yet when I say I do want that, you laugh in my face. So I'm different than you are, since when was that a bad thing? What's wrong with the old ways? They had some merit, to have survived for so long. It's not such a bad idea. Have so many people laughed at your dreams that you can no longer recall what you wanted and know only what they wanted for you? Have so many people told you that it was impossible that you have started to believe them? No one gave you the right to judge me. No one ever asked you to. You hurt my feelings, you did, but you never realized it. I have thought about it, this isn't a spur of the moment idea. Why are the things I've always wanted so hard for other people to accept, let alone understand? Why are you laughing at my dreams?
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Cousins
sarahhhh. says:
so do you know what you want to do after college?
Tyne says:
travel Europe, get married, and have a schwack of children
sarahhhh. says:
lol me too, except not quite a schwack
Tyne says:
for jobs I think I'd like to be a blacksmith or a postmistress, that's what I want to do, because they told me there's no such work as old school blacksmithing anymore
sarahhhh. says:
you should become amish
Tyne says:
no I like my stereo and computer too much, as bad as that is
sarahhhh. says:
you could be amish and secretly have a discman and computer in you basement and still be a blacksmith
Tyne says:
haha nope they'd catch me, they wouldn't let me be a postmistress and a blacksmith
sarahhhh. says:
you could be a postsmith, or a blackmistress
Tyne says:
HAHAHAHAHA I like that
sarahhhh. says:
me too
sarahhhh. says:
why dont you just be a writer
Tyne says:
because they don't accept that when they ask you what you want to be next year
sarahhhh. says:
oh
Tyne says:
they want you to go to school and pay lots of money and use those brains that got you those good marks
sarahhhh. says:
ya, i want to go and work as a bosun's mate on salts but i tell everyone that i'm going into music
for the same reasons
Tyne says:
work on a boat the rest of your life... that wouldn't be so bad
sarahhhh. says:
i know
sarahhhh. says:
getting paid to sail is the most ridonkulous thing i have ever heard i dont care that the pay is really bad...i could go get a degree and make lots of money and retire young and then once i was retired i could go and pay other people to let me sail or i could get a job sailing and then i would never need to retire
Tyne says:
and it wouldn't really matter what the pay was
sarahhhh. says:
nope
Tyne says:
that's what I want, a job that I love and then the pay doesn't matter and screw everyone who wants me to go to university
sarahhhh. says:
yeah...i feel bad cuz i have really good grades and i know i should go to college. but i don't want to take anything academic...i'm already so sick of school. the only thing i would do i take theatre at mount royal college cuz then i could be in shakespeare in the park
Tyne says:
grades used to matter but now they don't and it frustrates the career people
sarahhhh. says:
basically i'm making my backup plan with all the career people. but they don't know that
Tyne says:
I just told her I wanted to be a blacksmith, that frustrates the heck out of them
sarahhhh. says:
tell them you want to be a shepherd
sarahhhh. says:
or a turd surgeon
Tyne says:
what's a turd surgeon?
sarahhhh. says:
i dont know, just tell them you want to be one. it's someone who does surgery on turds.
Tyne says:
I'll tell her I want to be a English town in the 1400s
sarahhhh. says:
or a scarf or a potato
Tyne says:
haha or a politician
sarahhhh. says:
or a bumblebee
sarahhhh. says:
haha you should go to my school. we have a huge focus on the whole career planning thing
Tyne says:
I'd screw them over so bad
sarahhhh. says:
we had this huge survey thing on what career would best suit you and i almost asked my teacher why "hooker" wasn't one of the options
sarahhhh. says:
or ninja
Tyne says:
you should've
sarahhhh. says:
mrs. topp... i wanna be a hooker when i grow up!
Tyne says:
THAT would be a good thing to say
sarahhhh. says:
or i'll tell her i want to sell wacky tobacky for a living, and hippy lettuce
Tyne says:
haha just screw with her head
sarahhhh. says:
those are my two favourite names for pot
Tyne says:
haha you should send me yarba in the mail
sarahhhh. says:
they might be a little suspicious but if you're the postsmith then who will know?
Tyne says:
yeah it kind of looks like marijuana I think but it's definitely not
Tyne says:
I can't be the postsmith in Calgary AND Saskatoon
sarahhhh. says:
i wonder if you could make tea out of marijuana
Tyne says:
never tried but you can out of yarba and that's just as good
Tyne says:
"teacher, can I be an alarm clock for a living?"
sarahhhh. says:
or a parasite on the back of a vacuum cleaner
Tyne says:
or the cotton in the vitamin C jars
sarahhhh. says:
or that line of dust that you never can seem to sweep up
Tyne says:
or the left cup of a diamond brassiere
sarahhhh. says:
or a large wooden badger
Tyne says:
that's it
Tyne says:
I will be a large wooden badger for the rest of my life
sarahhhh. says:
with a schwack of children ...large, wooden children
Tyne says:
and a postsmith in the yard
sarahhhh. says:
and a blackmistress for a neighbour
Tyne says:
and I will marry a *******
sarahhhh. says:
and drink yarba
Tyne says:
and be very very happy
sarahhhh. says:
and eat inverted toilet plungers
Tyne says:
no that's creepy
sarahhhh. says:
fine. you don't have to invert them. and you can take the handles off too if you really must.
Tyne says:
I must
sarahhhh. says:
"the snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off"
Tyne says:
then do they frown back?
sarahhhh. says:
no.
sarahhhh. says:
they look...
sarahhhh. says:
perturbed.
sarahhhh. says:
but that is different than frowning
Tyne says:
perhaps they are upset that you have bitten their head off
sarahhhh. says:
perhaps, but they are most upset by the difficulty they are experiencing in expressing their emotions without a head.
Tyne says:
ahh
sarahhhh. says:
and you could have a pet snorkelflorbin named Glurge.
sarahhhh. says:
anytime you need career counselling...
sarahhhh. says:
trust the experts.
so do you know what you want to do after college?
Tyne says:
travel Europe, get married, and have a schwack of children
sarahhhh. says:
lol me too, except not quite a schwack
Tyne says:
for jobs I think I'd like to be a blacksmith or a postmistress, that's what I want to do, because they told me there's no such work as old school blacksmithing anymore
sarahhhh. says:
you should become amish
Tyne says:
no I like my stereo and computer too much, as bad as that is
sarahhhh. says:
you could be amish and secretly have a discman and computer in you basement and still be a blacksmith
Tyne says:
haha nope they'd catch me, they wouldn't let me be a postmistress and a blacksmith
sarahhhh. says:
you could be a postsmith, or a blackmistress
Tyne says:
HAHAHAHAHA I like that
sarahhhh. says:
me too
sarahhhh. says:
why dont you just be a writer
Tyne says:
because they don't accept that when they ask you what you want to be next year
sarahhhh. says:
oh
Tyne says:
they want you to go to school and pay lots of money and use those brains that got you those good marks
sarahhhh. says:
ya, i want to go and work as a bosun's mate on salts but i tell everyone that i'm going into music
for the same reasons
Tyne says:
work on a boat the rest of your life... that wouldn't be so bad
sarahhhh. says:
i know
sarahhhh. says:
getting paid to sail is the most ridonkulous thing i have ever heard i dont care that the pay is really bad...i could go get a degree and make lots of money and retire young and then once i was retired i could go and pay other people to let me sail or i could get a job sailing and then i would never need to retire
Tyne says:
and it wouldn't really matter what the pay was
sarahhhh. says:
nope
Tyne says:
that's what I want, a job that I love and then the pay doesn't matter and screw everyone who wants me to go to university
sarahhhh. says:
yeah...i feel bad cuz i have really good grades and i know i should go to college. but i don't want to take anything academic...i'm already so sick of school. the only thing i would do i take theatre at mount royal college cuz then i could be in shakespeare in the park
Tyne says:
grades used to matter but now they don't and it frustrates the career people
sarahhhh. says:
basically i'm making my backup plan with all the career people. but they don't know that
Tyne says:
I just told her I wanted to be a blacksmith, that frustrates the heck out of them
sarahhhh. says:
tell them you want to be a shepherd
sarahhhh. says:
or a turd surgeon
Tyne says:
what's a turd surgeon?
sarahhhh. says:
i dont know, just tell them you want to be one. it's someone who does surgery on turds.
Tyne says:
I'll tell her I want to be a English town in the 1400s
sarahhhh. says:
or a scarf or a potato
Tyne says:
haha or a politician
sarahhhh. says:
or a bumblebee
sarahhhh. says:
haha you should go to my school. we have a huge focus on the whole career planning thing
Tyne says:
I'd screw them over so bad
sarahhhh. says:
we had this huge survey thing on what career would best suit you and i almost asked my teacher why "hooker" wasn't one of the options
sarahhhh. says:
or ninja
Tyne says:
you should've
sarahhhh. says:
mrs. topp... i wanna be a hooker when i grow up!
Tyne says:
THAT would be a good thing to say
sarahhhh. says:
or i'll tell her i want to sell wacky tobacky for a living, and hippy lettuce
Tyne says:
haha just screw with her head
sarahhhh. says:
those are my two favourite names for pot
Tyne says:
haha you should send me yarba in the mail
sarahhhh. says:
they might be a little suspicious but if you're the postsmith then who will know?
Tyne says:
yeah it kind of looks like marijuana I think but it's definitely not
Tyne says:
I can't be the postsmith in Calgary AND Saskatoon
sarahhhh. says:
i wonder if you could make tea out of marijuana
Tyne says:
never tried but you can out of yarba and that's just as good
Tyne says:
"teacher, can I be an alarm clock for a living?"
sarahhhh. says:
or a parasite on the back of a vacuum cleaner
Tyne says:
or the cotton in the vitamin C jars
sarahhhh. says:
or that line of dust that you never can seem to sweep up
Tyne says:
or the left cup of a diamond brassiere
sarahhhh. says:
or a large wooden badger
Tyne says:
that's it
Tyne says:
I will be a large wooden badger for the rest of my life
sarahhhh. says:
with a schwack of children ...large, wooden children
Tyne says:
and a postsmith in the yard
sarahhhh. says:
and a blackmistress for a neighbour
Tyne says:
and I will marry a *******
sarahhhh. says:
and drink yarba
Tyne says:
and be very very happy
sarahhhh. says:
and eat inverted toilet plungers
Tyne says:
no that's creepy
sarahhhh. says:
fine. you don't have to invert them. and you can take the handles off too if you really must.
Tyne says:
I must
sarahhhh. says:
"the snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off"
Tyne says:
then do they frown back?
sarahhhh. says:
no.
sarahhhh. says:
they look...
sarahhhh. says:
perturbed.
sarahhhh. says:
but that is different than frowning
Tyne says:
perhaps they are upset that you have bitten their head off
sarahhhh. says:
perhaps, but they are most upset by the difficulty they are experiencing in expressing their emotions without a head.
Tyne says:
ahh
sarahhhh. says:
and you could have a pet snorkelflorbin named Glurge.
sarahhhh. says:
anytime you need career counselling...
sarahhhh. says:
trust the experts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
