through my lonely eyes

Sometimes, I wish I was what I am not, but when I am, I get so confused.

I’m so SICK AND TIRED of being lonely. You got that? Almost every single fricken time that I call somebody and ask them what they are doing that evening, they tell me that they are already busy. 2 times in the last month have I gotten to do something. And when I ask them at school what they are doing that evening and they say nothing, and I try to call them later to see if they want to hang out, they are invariably already busy. Do I NOT MATTER TO ANYBODY? Does anybody care? Cause I am not feeling it if any one does. Stop sending me to the stupid bloody counsellor saying I seem unhappy. What the hell can she do about it? NOTHING. That’s right, you heard me. Nothing. She can’t make me have friends when I don’t seem to. And I want somebody to call me sometime. Is that too much to ask? Can I, just once, not have to arrange hanging out with my friends? Can they do it? Oh wait, that’s right, I don’t have any friends. Or at least, if you don’t want to hang out with me, tell me so I can stop asking. Then at least I can stop being hurt every time I get rejected, and only have 1 big pain, instead of many little ones. Damn it, guys, why do you think my ankle looks like it does? And why do people act civil towards me when they hate me? Can you stop having big parties that EVERY SINGLE FRIEND you think you have is invited to, except me? *glares at Lance, who doesn’t read this blog anyway* I’m sorry, I’m trying to forgive you. Can you remember me at least once, but if not, STOP talking about what a great time you had. I’m tired of grinning and feeling like a total reject. Ok? Can you make up your mind whether you want me as a friend or not? And if the answers yes, can you try not to forget about me. And don’t use the old excuse, you don’t live in town. I can get my self in town easy. Or do you want me to change something? I can try to change if that’s what you want, but I refuse to change my personality. But I can change habits and stuff like that. Why do you think I read so much? In books, no one can hurt you. you can leave your own miserable existence behind and get lost in another world. I’m tired of trudging along day to day, lost in the sludge of my friendlessness. I’m tired of begging. Am I not pretty enough? I know I have no good looks to speak of, but if that’s the problem then I have pretty shallow friends. Theres a cry in my heart, and God can fill it, but He seems to have decided to let me learn for myself. So can any of my friends, if I still have any, at least try. I’m so damn tired of being lonely. So I write. Writing releases your emotions. So heres a poem I wrote about somebody else, but if any one wants to look past my eyes this probably applies to me too.
SCREAMING IN PAIN

Now you’re laughing, now you’re crying, now you’re screaming in pain
To the world you put on a pretty face
You laugh you talk you party
But I can see inside your soul
To where you’re torn and hurt and empty
You’re searching…you don’t know what you’re looking for
And you’re backed into a corner
Inside, where I see, where it counts
You feel used and you’re about to break
You’re too worn to feel anything
Let alone love
So you go through life alone, a shadow of yourself
And I see you and I cry
Because you are what I might have been
And might still become
A hollow shell
You act tough and cocky but inside you cry
And I scream
Because you hate your life
And I love you.