Let it die

I was wondering today, how long does one wait for a friend? When do you realize that your friendship is slowly dying? And when is it time to say enough? Friendship goes two ways and I can't go both of them.

You used to be the one who walked my dreams at night
The one I'd pray would come find me
But now you don't try
So I think to myself, "let it die"
We used to walk and talk for hours
'Til I'd given you my heart
I don't remember why
But that's over now, let it die
I once thought I would always love you
And wait until you saw me too
But everything changed without a cry
And this voice it says to me, "let me die"

I'd hold on if you ever came around
What are you waiting for?
But I'm sick of always calling
And it's time to settle scores

You have considered finding me
But some things just aren't the same
We are who we are, and who we will be
And I'm sick of this stupid game

Time's running out, it won't come back again
You're running out of days to wait
What's done is done and gone is gone
And pretty soon it'll be too late

Take a chance

Nothing ever happens if you don't take chances. Live spontaneously or live more quietly, but make sure you at least live. That is what I want to do. Live. With a purpose and without regrets. And so I take chances.

In the rain again

The water it comes pouring down
It mingles with your tears
It envelopes everything in the sound
To remember what happened here
Your eyes are burning in your face
And now the streams come pouring out
They sparkle on your cheeks like glass
So you spin and turn about
You turn away so I don't see
The fight that you're losing, the fire in your eyes
But friend, I already know
The pain that comes from saying goodbyes
So now it's my turn, I turn away
And climb the steps to where I must go
Wet from the rain and wet from our tears
And glad I turned before you saw
the burning eyes
the muffled cries
the pieces of my heart I left behind
Glad that you didn't actually know
How much indeed I love you so

TE EXTRAÑO

With

With nothing to say and everyone to say it to
With nowhere to go and everywhere to be
I still miss you
With eyes to see and ears to hear
It's dark and quiet
But the silence is loud
You know I'm here
With every thought and nary a word
Yet every word doesn't come close
To say this thing, this where that I feel
You know there's nothing left
And no chances
But I'm looking for a loophole
To defy the answers
And in answering
Being me
With you.

Freedom of speech?

We live in a country that claims it has both "freedom of speech" and "political correctness". But the way I see it, they are two mutually exclusive things. Freedom of speech means being able to say what you think. Political correctness means not offending anyone. What if what I think offends someone? Should I not say it? Ever? There are times when it is better to risk offense and say something important, than to keep quiet because you are afraid of what others might say or think. There are, also, some things that should not be said, but that is different than not saying something to avoid risk of offense. For example, if I were to state my opinion that homosexuality is morally wrong (to touch a hot button), some people would become offended. Not to mention I would be politically incorrect. But I do believe homosexuality is wrong (please note: not more wrong than other sexual sins, I'm singling it out because it is such a hot topic these days), and you cannot tell me to be quiet because that is taking away my right to free speech. If you want to offend no one, the best course would be to never say anything at all.
One addition to this would be that I believe the "do-gooders" are more sensitive than the people they are trying to do good by. The majority of animal rights people are absolutely ridiculous. But that's a different story. Making it illegal to spank your children is also stupid. How are you supposed to teach them if you can't punish them?
And finally, I am going to exercise my right to freedom of speech, and say that I realized today that I judge people's intelligence on their vocabulary. People who do not know any more adjectives than the f word are none too bright. In high school, we were taught not to use the same describing word more than once a paragraph, if not once a page. When people only know one adjective, and feel the need to put it in front of every noun, they not only sound stupid, they more than likely are a bit. Broaden your vocabulary.

Looking for pieces

"I'm stuck in colder weather..."
As soon as you think you have things semi-figured out, a loop comes along, and there it goes. You want, you need something that you can't have, or can't figure out how to get, and then you are lost again. And some things that you never expect to be good, like football games, end up being a very good idea. But I completely understand the idea of going somewhere, not caring where, as long as you don't have to go home. Feeling so many things at once is hard when there are no names for any of them. I want to sound poetic and smart, but I don't know how. I'm trapped in my own head.
"It's a shame about the weather"

Como aguja en un pajar

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to offer? Like everyone around you has a place and fits in it, and you don't? Like the majority of the people around you understand where they're going and what they're doing, and you have no idea? But generally no one says this except to their closest friends, because appearing lost and confused is not appropriate in our social circles. This feels especially clear to me sometimes because my brother, and a good many of my friends, are very good at obvious things, such as sports or music or drama. I have no great talent in any "showy" categories. Sometimes I feel as though I have no real talents at all, but then I remember that just because they're hidden, because you can't get up on stage at a talent night and do something, doesn't mean that you don't have talents. And sometimes that is comforting. Other times, I realize it, but it is still frustrating. There are still days I wish I were someone else. There are other days I would not trade my life for anyone's. We are all original. And everyone has talents. Though some days it would be nice to be able to show them.

And now for something completely irrelevant: People should not name their children other people's last names, no matter how much you like the person. Children should have names, not two surnames and no first name. Please, try to be original some other way. No one is ever going to know if their first name is their last name or their first name.

Insomnia

In other words, I can't sleep. So I write.

 

 

The underground

Is harder to find

Than, say, my heart.

You know I miss you

You know I care

You know how far apart

We are.

But I have lost my ideals

To find my way home.

You know the colors well

What should and shouldn't be

Has been swallowed by the sea

Lost to me forever.

Why do we ask

When there is no answer?

And what are we missing

To wait this long

When everything is hazy at best

And all we have left is our name.

Baby steps

It's interesting to me how God, when He leads, never shows me more than the next step, and sometimes not even that until I'm already into it. It is a lesson in faith, in trusting that He knows where He is leading, even when I do not. To give a recent example: before I went to Mexico, I did not have any idea what would be happening afterwards. None. In about May I applied to work a week at camp, because I felt God telling me to. That was the last week of July, and I knew that I wanted to take July off anyway to readjust to life here. And so because it was impractical to look for a job for three weeks, my parents, whom I am living with, were okay with this idea. So coming home I still had no idea what I was doing, though I knew I needed a job. Then during TREK debrief, God told me to apply to work at a flour mill in Saskatoon. So I didn't really look very hard for a job my first few weeks of July, and after working at camp I had an interview at this mill. My dad told me I ought to go put out my resume in other places, just in case I didn't get it, but I said no because I was fairly confident I was going to. And I found out yesterday that I did get it. And so God has once again shown me the next step in my life, right before it was time for it to happen. The part that to me is funny is that this job is only until Christmas. After that I have to look again. But I feel that when the time comes, God will show me the next step. He has never yet left me hanging. He just answers things in His own way, in His own time. And I see no reason to panic, when I know what I am supposed to be doing the next five months. Why plan years in advance? "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"

I was never in it for the money

The art behind art, I think, is seeing the extraordinary in the mundane, making mundane things extraordinary, and while you're at it, realizing that in fact there is no such thing as the mundane. Everything is extraordinary, without losing its peculiarity. And then the artist is teaching everyone else to see it too.