For Jana #2

It hurts sometimes to let it go
Falling hard in ways we can't know
Fitting in to lose again
It's one of those things we can't explain
Waiting now it hurts the most
For all those songs are from the past
And though the ocean's beautiful
It never had anything on you
Life was good but now it's cold
But they never promised easy
No, they never said I'm sorry
So the faintest strains of "I love you"
Trickle through the noise
Until tears fall with the sound
Of everything inside
And everything goodbye
Wishing it wasn't so
Wishing it didn't hurt to let it go

Knowing is still hard

I wish I belonged somewhere. I belong here. I wish I felt like I belonged somewhere.
I wish I belonged with you, but that's not mine to say. I wish you'd say it.

FIRE!!

1)We light up our lights to hide the night
Till the night has an eerie glow
We do not see the strange beauty
Of the starshine here below

The stars are alive
Though hiding inside
And the night is bright
With the fire behind
The sky.

And the darkness waits
And the darkness rests
In the savage romance of the air
With the lights that we hide to cover our fright
At the beauty ignored spinning there


2)The fire in the sky is red
It dances cloudy o'er my head
The fire underground is white
And brings to men things of delight
The blood is running through my hands
Dark red to brown against it stands
The things that are, we often hope
Are hiding there, just out of scope
The fire can bring them to light
Coming out of darkest night
And though these things seem to be fair
A lot more pain is hidden there


3)It seems sometimes that we may dream
Hearkening to things unseen
And every now we have to wait
These appetites we cannot sate
Heralding the things to come
When I no longer leave alone
And though the time is not yet nigh
Soon 'twill be, and then I'll fly
And there on the ground, in a wonderful way
Will be all the things I have yet to say
It seems sometimes that we may rise
Leaving away across star-filled skies


4)Everything's going to be alright
Though it doesn't seem like it tonight
And when everything comes crashing down
The hope that's left seems it will drown
Though they say "The time was right"
It doesn't feel so, this long dark night
I wish so much that we had more time
Even to listen to this last sad rhyme
We stand and we sit, we hope and desire
For in death there is life, and in night the fire


5)Her addiction slowly comes
And manifests itself
In ways she can't forget
She wishes she could remember
The time before the laughter
And not what followed after
'Cause when the poison fills her veins
It runs straight to her brain
To eat her, to leave her alive
She resents it, but she needs it
She can no longer live without it
Nothing else is worth anything
But that one touch, and that one strain
So she covers her self with her sleeves
And goes, her eyes twitching violently
Waiting to be caught
To be told to stop
But it doesn't come 'cause she's alone
She shuts herself away
Because nothing is okay
She can hate it but she can't fight it
She can no longer hide it
The war within shows on her skin
In smooth red trenches
Landmines and scars
And dirty blades that come with pain
She's forgotten how this started
Or what match set off this fire
But now she's down and recalling
The bliss of the forgetting
And sets to bring the destruction
All over again

Everybody's been there and I don't mean on vacation

Must I always be torn in two? Faced with going back to Saskatchewan, I am really excited for school and holidaying, but I don't want to leave here. I feel more like I belong in Calgary than anywhere else at the moment, regardless of my lack of friends and anything to do. Regardless of the fact that I spend a heck of a lot of time on the computer because I am lazy. I'd like to live here more permanently. It was hard to leave especially the JLYS and the people there. I love them to pieces, and I wish I had more time with them.
I'm a cheap drunk. If it was a more permanent amnesia I'd consider getting more drunk more often, but as all it seems to do is make me both meditative and louder it's not much good for a regular habit, those are things I don't need to do. It's the forgetting I want, and that's not permanent or perhaps possible with me. Oh well. Let's not make a habit of this, either way. But I don't want to go back, either. I don't belong there anymore. If I ever did.

Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God

There are days I am excited to die.
I made the mistake of mentioning this at work today. The girls called me a freak. Again. One pointed out that suicide is wrong, and wishing for it is not any better. I said I wasn't interested in killing myself. That desire has been gone from me for a very long time. She said wishing someone else will kill you isn't any better. I said I do not wish to be killed. I merely am excited to die. Sometimes. It is completely different. They did not understand.
It is not death itself I yearn for, it is being complete. Being with God. Belonging somewhere, at long last, in awe of my Creator for eternity. It is this aspect of death I desire. Freedom from the relentless endless struggle of following Christ, for it is far more difficult now than ever before to do the things I wish to do, and what I do not want to do, I do, while that I long to do I cannot. Therein lies the wondrous grace of God. It is hard to live like I ought, with these strong desires raging inside me, and this tendency to addiction I fight every day, knowing that I shouldn't be doing something even as I do it. The desire to forget is powerful. Death would finally defeat it. I'm not in a hurry to die, for I want to live my earthly life out first, I want to love and be loved, to marry and have children, to be passionate about God with everything I have and am. It is like CS Lewis said at the end of The Last Battle, "Term is over, the holidays have begun. The dream is ended, it is morning." I look forward to death as one would look forward to a holiday at the seaside, except that it is endless and each day more wondrous than the last. Why does this yearning for heaven brand me a freak? Lewis also said something about "since there is nothing to fill our desires in this world, obviously we were made for another world." Longing for another world, a true home and belonging, does in no way diminish the passion I have for this life, for this love. Maybe making it "easier" is not the right reason to desire an end to this life, but I also would wish to understand better the awesome glory of God. I do not understand it at all. I do not praise Him enough. I do not love Him like I ought. Giving all to Him is such a struggle. It should not be, but I am earthly still, and it is. Meeting my Maker and hearing Him say, "Well done, my child" is something we should all yearn for. "My child"!! What powerful words.
Oh Lord my God, when I in awesome wonder
Consider all the worlds thy hands have made
I see the stars, I hear the rolling thunder
Thy power throughout the universe displayed
Then sings my soul, my Savior God to Thee
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.

You make it look so easy

Apparently it is abnormal to carry on conversations with the radio, one's cat, or oneself. Also, most people do not comment on seemingly obvious things, like the fact that it is raining or that the sky is very blue and the grass very green. I wish they would have told me these things years ago. It might have saved much trouble. However, I no longer mind being thought of as simple, or slightly stupid. I am older now, and set in my ways. There's nothing wrong with being considered crazy.

Playing devil's advocate

They want me to be like them
but I can't afford it
and I've forgotten how
But I would give myself to you
if you would show me how
and help me sleep at night
I would be vulnerable for you
the days I forget to remember
not to be
Of all the nights to lie awake
it sucks to lie alone
when to give up would mean I am like them
I've forgotten not to be

Call this living

Blessings come in strange ways.
In a way I'm running and in a way I have stopped running. Can I finally face my demons?
What am I running from?
The things I regret
The things I should regret and don't
The things I've done that I'm ashamed of
The things I've done I should be ashamed of and am not
The things I want to forget and can't
The things I don't want to remember
The people I should forgive and can't
The people that have hurt me
The people that I want to care about me and don't seem to
The people I care too much about
The places I want to be
The emotions I don't want to have
The fact that I don't understand normal people
The fact that I don't understand myself
The fact that I don't know how to handle things
The fact that I think I'm in love

We go hand in hand

I'm contemplating how I would explain my desire to be a normal person, in case someone ever asks.
To fit in without giving up the thing that makes me me.
To follow the trends without wondering where they are taking me.
To feel like I belong somewhere in a people sense of the where.
To be able to look past the pain instead of being distracted by it and wanting to help it.
To understand why people "need" cellular telephones and little blue cards that let them spend more money.
To ignore the savage beauty of the city.
To speak in words normal people use, instead of long unknown ones and abstract ones.
To have lost the childlike simplicity I somehow managed to keep.
To not see the "obvious" as something fascinating.

Of course, I don't actually want to lose what I am, but sometimes I wish I could understand the way other people think. Sometimes I wish I was normal, but the wish doesn't go deep. Otherwise I would be a clone and I wouldn't understand the loneliness of the hills and the savage beauty of the city, the brilliance of the sunset and the beauty of Tristan, the pain in the commercialism and the hopelessness of the materialism.
How did I avoid becoming a brand name facebook picture?

Let it rain, let the fire fall

I think I want another tattoo. Or two. This summer maybe? We'll see. Perhaps in the line of work I want to get into tattoos will be more an asset than a liability. They are good conversation starters, especially when they mean something. And I'm okay with that. Apparently inner city volunteering only exists on Thursdays in this town. That's okay. I'm stoked for helping out at the JLYS in two weeks. I'm also excited for what we're planning next week. My faith is becoming my own, but it is so much harder to live out than it is to say that I follow Christ. I guess that's called growing up. When God is the one thing I cling to because everything else is fallible. When without Christ I'd be dead already. When faith is slowly fighting to become the most important thing in my life. But dang it's hard. They say it's worth it though, and boy it is. I'm more than my Mennonite town made me. And I don't think I can go back anymore. But maybe we never could. Maybe that's the purpose of the thunderstorm.