Hello, faithful readers.
It is time. I need to let go of some things in my life, things that I need to give up to God so I can truly live for Him. It is ironic because I was spending a lot of time thinking about this, and then in small groups tonight, we talked about it. Exactly. It was my situation to a T. However, as much as I want to give this up, I can't do it on my own. My thoughts always go back.
Alright, here's the thing: boys. As much as we (speaking for most single girls) are desirous of a boyfriend, we need to give that desire up to God. This is because we spend lots of our time thinking about boys, wishing that "the one" would show up, spending so much time wishing that we waste our single life on it. There is also that we are probably not ready for a boyfriend until we give it up and make God first in our lives. Once we can live without one, I think, the right one will show up. The beauty of this irony is in the fact that we are only ready for it after we don't think we need it anymore.
I know it is not easy, however. As much as I want to give up my desire for a boyfriend to God, my selfish, stubborn self keeps taking it back. I want to quit focussing on temporal desires and start focussing on what is eternal, but I can't. I can't do it on my own. God help me. Help me let go.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
I love
I want to go to England.
I want to go to northern Saskatchewan.
I want to go to Australia.
"Those who speak of what they do not know
Soon find that prudent silence is wise.
Joseph Pouquet hold your tongue
And keep your hand at the level of your eyes."
I want to go to northern Saskatchewan.
I want to go to Australia.
"Those who speak of what they do not know
Soon find that prudent silence is wise.
Joseph Pouquet hold your tongue
And keep your hand at the level of your eyes."
Sunday, March 19, 2006
A Most Remarkable Morning
I suppose I'm it, so, in the spirit of good fun, here goes nothing.
7 Things I would like to do before I die:
1. Get married and have kids
2. Travel the world
3. Write a book
4. Ride in a hot air balloon
5. Learn to dance
6. Learn to play bagpipes
7. Hold hands
7 Things I cannot do (yet) :
1. Sing
2. Forget
3. Control my temper
4. Throw javelin properly
5. Get a tattoo
6. Live on my own
7. Graduate
7 things that attract me to blogging:
1. It's nice to get feedback about stuff
2. It's a place to rant
3. I like to read about my friends
4. It's a place to post thoughts and poetry
5. It is addicting
6. I like writing
7. Lists are stupid
7 things I say most often:
1. Shut up
2. I'm crazy
3. Move, stupid! (referring to cows)
4. What?
5. I'm sorry
6. I love you
7. So, what are you doing this evening?
7 books I love:
1. anything by Ted Dekker
2. The Westing Game
3. anything by Frank Peretti
4. The Dark is Rising
5. The Reckoning
6.The Last Guardian
7. The Most Important Little Boy in the World
7 movies I watch over and over:
1. The Phantom of the Opera
2. The Lion King
3. The Lion King 2
4. The Return of the King
5. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
6. The Princess Bride
7. Moulin Rouge
7 Things I would like to do before I die:
1. Get married and have kids
2. Travel the world
3. Write a book
4. Ride in a hot air balloon
5. Learn to dance
6. Learn to play bagpipes
7. Hold hands
7 Things I cannot do (yet) :
1. Sing
2. Forget
3. Control my temper
4. Throw javelin properly
5. Get a tattoo
6. Live on my own
7. Graduate
7 things that attract me to blogging:
1. It's nice to get feedback about stuff
2. It's a place to rant
3. I like to read about my friends
4. It's a place to post thoughts and poetry
5. It is addicting
6. I like writing
7. Lists are stupid
7 things I say most often:
1. Shut up
2. I'm crazy
3. Move, stupid! (referring to cows)
4. What?
5. I'm sorry
6. I love you
7. So, what are you doing this evening?
7 books I love:
1. anything by Ted Dekker
2. The Westing Game
3. anything by Frank Peretti
4. The Dark is Rising
5. The Reckoning
6.The Last Guardian
7. The Most Important Little Boy in the World
7 movies I watch over and over:
1. The Phantom of the Opera
2. The Lion King
3. The Lion King 2
4. The Return of the King
5. The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
6. The Princess Bride
7. Moulin Rouge
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Beautiful
HOOPLA!
Dang, I hope we win. Go boys go!
In other news, I was thinking Wednesday about the desire to be beautiful. How all girls have something inside them that yearns to be called beautiful. How beauty is more than just looks, how beauty is character. We try so hard to be considered pretty on the outside, while that's not what really counts anyway.
Howe'er, another beautiful thing is basketball. Especially provincial basketball. Especially Dalmeny playing in provincial basketball. That's beauty to me.
What is it to you?
Dang, I hope we win. Go boys go!
In other news, I was thinking Wednesday about the desire to be beautiful. How all girls have something inside them that yearns to be called beautiful. How beauty is more than just looks, how beauty is character. We try so hard to be considered pretty on the outside, while that's not what really counts anyway.
Howe'er, another beautiful thing is basketball. Especially provincial basketball. Especially Dalmeny playing in provincial basketball. That's beauty to me.
What is it to you?
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Sing the requiem for my dreams
"This time is the last time." I'm happy for you, I swear. I'm so proud of you. But it still hurts. I still want it so bad. My heart aches, and I want to cry. But I swear I love you.
I'm not crying, I just want this so bad my eyes are running over with the pain of it. Why is crying looked down upon in our culture? It's not a bad thing. You cry when you're happy, sad, frustrated, hurting, excited, etc. So why do we consider it shameful?
It hurts to say things that you know hurt other poeple, even when you know they have to be said. When it is necessary. But it kills. Even if you don't like the person but have respect for them. If you desperately want to be friends. When you want to be friends, but have to say hurtful things because there's no other possible way for you to even start being friends.
"If I cried an ocean of tears, it wouldn't mean anything without you. And it wouldn't express half of what I feel right now." I want to fall in love...
So sing the requiem for my dream. Remember the haunting melody when your own desires hit the floor. And when you cry I'll be here to hold you. I swear I love you. Sing. Please. Mourning helps one to go on. Sing the requiem for my dreams.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Sunday, March 05, 2006
My hypocrisy
Our Christian culture is hypocritical. This is a generalization, however, I include myself in it. And as this has been dominating my thoughts, this is what I'm going to talk about tonight.
There are two prayers that bother me profusely.
1. That Christ would return soon. Well, what if I don't want Him to return soon. I hate it when people pray in generalizations. I want to get married, have kids, have grandkids, grow old, and die with my husband at an old age. I don't want Christ to come back because that would probably prevent that from happening. I want Him to come back long after I'm dead.
2. The "Christmas prayer". That we would celebrate Christ's birth throughout the year, and not just in December. You've heard the prayer. And every time I suggest singing a Christmas song during worship on Sunday I get shut down. Why? Why? Don't pray that you want God to help you celebrate Christmas all year round unless you mean it. It's not a bad thing to sing Christmas songs in March or September or July.
And I am no longer capable of sitting through Sunday School quietly without bothering anyone. Being a quote "good Christian girl" unquote is not working anymore. And God is not answering my prayers. At least, not that I can see. And I'm impatient.
I'll leave you with that, judge my character as you will.
There are two prayers that bother me profusely.
1. That Christ would return soon. Well, what if I don't want Him to return soon. I hate it when people pray in generalizations. I want to get married, have kids, have grandkids, grow old, and die with my husband at an old age. I don't want Christ to come back because that would probably prevent that from happening. I want Him to come back long after I'm dead.
2. The "Christmas prayer". That we would celebrate Christ's birth throughout the year, and not just in December. You've heard the prayer. And every time I suggest singing a Christmas song during worship on Sunday I get shut down. Why? Why? Don't pray that you want God to help you celebrate Christmas all year round unless you mean it. It's not a bad thing to sing Christmas songs in March or September or July.
And I am no longer capable of sitting through Sunday School quietly without bothering anyone. Being a quote "good Christian girl" unquote is not working anymore. And God is not answering my prayers. At least, not that I can see. And I'm impatient.
I'll leave you with that, judge my character as you will.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
"Wild nights are my glory"
The more you laugh the more I think you're hurting. The more you taunt the more I think you don't realize what it is you're missing.
The next best thing.
No matter how much you say it's not worth it, I want it. It's what's always just out of my reach, what I get to taste but I can't have, what I can almost touch before it slips away. The inability to have it makes me want it all the more. It's haunting. It's so simple. It seems so beautiful. You don't realize what you have. I'd trade you any day, but it's not something that I can just get. You have to give it to me. Quit saying it's not worth it- it is to me.
Define love.
The next best thing.
No matter how much you say it's not worth it, I want it. It's what's always just out of my reach, what I get to taste but I can't have, what I can almost touch before it slips away. The inability to have it makes me want it all the more. It's haunting. It's so simple. It seems so beautiful. You don't realize what you have. I'd trade you any day, but it's not something that I can just get. You have to give it to me. Quit saying it's not worth it- it is to me.
Define love.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
Remember surrender
It strikes me that when we take off our masks, we see ourselves as we really are, and that scares us; this is the main reason we wear the masks.
Every time I say I'll surrender I go back. This is killing me, is there a way to give it up to God and leave it with Him? Can I stop taking it back? Guys, can you pray for me? There's stuff that I have to give up and I always say I will but I don't seem to actually be doing it. I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody, but whatever. There's a song I really love by Sara Groves, it's called "Maybe there's a Loving God". And this is how it goes.
I'm trying to work things out, I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard Staring up at the stars in the sky
I have another meeting today With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard Staring up at the stars and the moon
They have a chart and a graph Of my despondency
They want to chart a path For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard Staring up at the stars and the moon
Maybe this was made for me For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
Maybe this was made for me For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
And that may be a foolish thought Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
Every time I say I'll surrender I go back. This is killing me, is there a way to give it up to God and leave it with Him? Can I stop taking it back? Guys, can you pray for me? There's stuff that I have to give up and I always say I will but I don't seem to actually be doing it. I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody, but whatever. There's a song I really love by Sara Groves, it's called "Maybe there's a Loving God". And this is how it goes.
I'm trying to work things out, I'm trying to comprehend
Am I the chance result Of some great accident
I hear a rhythm call me The echo of a grand design
I spend each night in the backyard Staring up at the stars in the sky
I have another meeting today With my new counselor
My mom will cry and say I don't know what to do with her
She's so unresponsive I just cannot break through
She spends all night in the backyard Staring up at the stars and the moon
They have a chart and a graph Of my despondency
They want to chart a path For self-recovery
And want to know what I'm thinking What motivates my mood
To spend all night in the backyard Staring up at the stars and the moon
Maybe this was made for me For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
Maybe this was made for me For lying on my back in the middle of a field
Maybe that's a selfish thought Or maybe there's a loving God
Maybe I was made this way To think and to reason and to question and to pray
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
And that may be a foolish thought Or maybe there is a God
And I have never prayed a lot But maybe there's a loving God
Thursday, February 23, 2006
A long-lost love
Building bridges through city streets
An act, almost of defiance
One of our only wondrous feats
Even as, day after day, we toil in vain
There is much we neglect to say
And soon one sees the nothing we can gain
When flowers grow black on our graves
Moonlight glistens your tears
For merciful death life is waived
When what is set is done
From smallest ant to largest whale
The prize is unable to be won
Blood drips dark, a smile sad
A haunting scream you turn your head
Don't dare look- it's what you should have had
An act, almost of defiance
One of our only wondrous feats
Even as, day after day, we toil in vain
There is much we neglect to say
And soon one sees the nothing we can gain
When flowers grow black on our graves
Moonlight glistens your tears
For merciful death life is waived
When what is set is done
From smallest ant to largest whale
The prize is unable to be won
Blood drips dark, a smile sad
A haunting scream you turn your head
Don't dare look- it's what you should have had
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