Looking for pieces

"I'm stuck in colder weather..."
As soon as you think you have things semi-figured out, a loop comes along, and there it goes. You want, you need something that you can't have, or can't figure out how to get, and then you are lost again. And some things that you never expect to be good, like football games, end up being a very good idea. But I completely understand the idea of going somewhere, not caring where, as long as you don't have to go home. Feeling so many things at once is hard when there are no names for any of them. I want to sound poetic and smart, but I don't know how. I'm trapped in my own head.
"It's a shame about the weather"

Como aguja en un pajar

Do you ever feel like you have nothing to offer? Like everyone around you has a place and fits in it, and you don't? Like the majority of the people around you understand where they're going and what they're doing, and you have no idea? But generally no one says this except to their closest friends, because appearing lost and confused is not appropriate in our social circles. This feels especially clear to me sometimes because my brother, and a good many of my friends, are very good at obvious things, such as sports or music or drama. I have no great talent in any "showy" categories. Sometimes I feel as though I have no real talents at all, but then I remember that just because they're hidden, because you can't get up on stage at a talent night and do something, doesn't mean that you don't have talents. And sometimes that is comforting. Other times, I realize it, but it is still frustrating. There are still days I wish I were someone else. There are other days I would not trade my life for anyone's. We are all original. And everyone has talents. Though some days it would be nice to be able to show them.

And now for something completely irrelevant: People should not name their children other people's last names, no matter how much you like the person. Children should have names, not two surnames and no first name. Please, try to be original some other way. No one is ever going to know if their first name is their last name or their first name.

Insomnia

In other words, I can't sleep. So I write.

 

 

The underground

Is harder to find

Than, say, my heart.

You know I miss you

You know I care

You know how far apart

We are.

But I have lost my ideals

To find my way home.

You know the colors well

What should and shouldn't be

Has been swallowed by the sea

Lost to me forever.

Why do we ask

When there is no answer?

And what are we missing

To wait this long

When everything is hazy at best

And all we have left is our name.

Baby steps

It's interesting to me how God, when He leads, never shows me more than the next step, and sometimes not even that until I'm already into it. It is a lesson in faith, in trusting that He knows where He is leading, even when I do not. To give a recent example: before I went to Mexico, I did not have any idea what would be happening afterwards. None. In about May I applied to work a week at camp, because I felt God telling me to. That was the last week of July, and I knew that I wanted to take July off anyway to readjust to life here. And so because it was impractical to look for a job for three weeks, my parents, whom I am living with, were okay with this idea. So coming home I still had no idea what I was doing, though I knew I needed a job. Then during TREK debrief, God told me to apply to work at a flour mill in Saskatoon. So I didn't really look very hard for a job my first few weeks of July, and after working at camp I had an interview at this mill. My dad told me I ought to go put out my resume in other places, just in case I didn't get it, but I said no because I was fairly confident I was going to. And I found out yesterday that I did get it. And so God has once again shown me the next step in my life, right before it was time for it to happen. The part that to me is funny is that this job is only until Christmas. After that I have to look again. But I feel that when the time comes, God will show me the next step. He has never yet left me hanging. He just answers things in His own way, in His own time. And I see no reason to panic, when I know what I am supposed to be doing the next five months. Why plan years in advance? "Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, 'If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.'"

I was never in it for the money

The art behind art, I think, is seeing the extraordinary in the mundane, making mundane things extraordinary, and while you're at it, realizing that in fact there is no such thing as the mundane. Everything is extraordinary, without losing its peculiarity. And then the artist is teaching everyone else to see it too.

Home, they say

I'll be a little surprised if anyone still reads this, considering everything is over and everything else is just beginning. It's weird being back in the place you grew up after being gone a long time, because everything has changed, and yet nothing has. People ask me how it feels to be home, and I never know how to answer. I can't say I'm not home, because I am. But Mexico felt like home too, for a while, and I haven't lived here in so long anyway that I have to find where I fit here again too. And so I smile and say, "OK I guess", not really answering the question they are not really asking, and we go on with whatever we were doing. But it's alright because I'm busy and so I can forget this in-between feeling.
There is a refugee camp in Kenya with over 10 million people in it. This is a problem. More are arriving every day. This is happening. Now. But what can I do? I hear this and I can't anymore justify eating three meals a day. How do I justify having so many clothes when there are people, when I have met people, who have one set? You could say it's cultural. But I have a terrible feeling that we are doing something terribly wrong. To know what you ought to do and not do it is also a sin. I'm wondering how long I can keep shutting out this cry for justice that I am hearing. This knowledge that something in me has to change. This idea that I have to do something. But what? They say ignorance is bliss. But I am no longer entirely ignorant, and therefore I cannot blissfully ignore the cries of the people who no longer talk.

Ganamos

That is all.

Debrief, for lack of a better title

The sky taunts me with thoughts of yesterday
When everyone's away
I'm here alone facing you
The colors in the air are crying
You know my heart is torn
You know I'm here before you
Still, the laughter is slow to come
And I'm standing here so cold
The colors ripple in the trees
Saying "Welcome, but you don't belong
You have to find it once again"
Remember the sound of the smiles, the tears
The long nights that turn into years
The memories of times I've turned my back
And thoughts of the things that I still lack
So you know, and you've known, me better than most
Which gives me relief when all else is lost
So with all that I am and all that I do
At the end of it all, I'm still found in you

You know it

There were four things I wanted during my time at Bethany. Well, more than that, but four stand out. And I didn't get any of them. At the end of my third year, I was disappointed for these four reasons, but I said I guess that is how it is, and for whatever reason I guess God saw that it was better that I did not have them. So I gave these desires back to Him.
Then I went to Mexico.
Everything I had wanted at Bethany and gave up, God answered in my fourth year, when I was technically but not physically there. And what I learned, and want to share with you, is that God answers forgotten prayers. He remembers. And He cares. And His timing is exponentially better than ours. Things are more beautiful when done His way.
The four things are:
1) A great roommate who I am good friends with.
2) A good friend who is a boy.
3) Road trips with friends.
4) The Boston Bruins winning the Stanley Cup. (And for everyone who ever made fun of me for cheering for them, now is your opportunity to eat it.)

Quiero ganar

Fan of the season.