The Road goes ever on and on

Now far ahead the Road has gone
Further you draw me, further along
To fall into grace, to trust and repent
To blur all the lines of shame and regret
To live, truly live, with You even now
To jump and to let go, my own will to bow
To trust in the promises You have said
That my heart be Yours, until I am dead
For in death there is life, a new hope will rise
And this hope I want, that all logic defies
And here, in this hope, You bring me to rest
For it is here that I know that I am blessed
So I want to let go, I want to jump
I want to give up and live in the gap
Right there, in Your love, is where I will stay
And whither then? I cannot say

Silence

We had a silent retreat this weekend... 48 hours of silence, listening to God speak. It's easier than it sounds, except for sometimes it is harder. I was hoping for a BOOM!! voice from God, but it never came. Instead I learned that God will speak to me through my pen. I write, and things come out. Some of the things I will share. I wrote 16 pages in my journal this weekend. Here are some of them:

Hours of silence are worth
One word from God
Yet how much He speaks
When we stop to listen

The LORD is gracious and compassionate
Slow to anger, and abounding in love
The LORD is good to all
He has compassion on all that He has made
He forgives our trespasses
And He delivers us from the evil one
He opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble

Matthew 12:21- In His name the nations will put their hope.
Do you not think you were born for a reason? The chances of you being you were so infinitisimially small, yet you exist. You are, to bring glory to God. You exist, with your experiences, your relationships, your struggles. You exist because God purported and called you to be. Who you are now never was and never will be again. Who you are now is God's glory. And your shame, and your mistakes, and all the fire within you is there because THIS IS LIFE. We serve a Living God, who loves us despite the blood on our hands. For you are forgiven, and it is gone. Oh, but He loves us. Oh, but He loves me. He loves me! Beyond anything you can fathom, He loves you. And there is no escape from His love. There is nowhere to run, because you were born for this reason.

I was born,
And You loved me.
I rebelled,
And You love me.
I became myself,
For You love me.
I sin and lose my way again,
But You still love me.
So I repent,
Because You love me.
I cry, and You comfort me
I hurt, and You hold me
I dance, and You rejoice with me
I scream, and You walk with me
I live, and You love me.
And in all this, I guess I'm trying to say
Thank You
And I want to love You too;
Oh! I love You too!

Hearing God's voice

I know these posts are coming thick and fast, at least compared to my usual blogging habits, but be thankful you are hearing from me now. I probably won't be posting near as much when I am in Guadalajara.
Today we talked about hearing God's voice. And we got about a 6 hour lesson in 3 hours from a wonderful teacher named JP Hayashida. He talks really really fast. Plus a couple more hours earlier from another lady. She was talking about how listening to God builds trust. It was very intense and there is no way I can share even a fraction of what we learned on here. So I'll just share something I wrote after all the teaching was done and I was trying to absorb everything that was happening.

My brain is full
And these thoughts run deep
Just like these fountains
I'm overflowing
Scattered too full
To hold together
Longer
And everyone's busy
Everyone's alive
To forget is to let go
To realize I don't know
Where am I, and how?
To absorb all these things
Remember
To follow a calling
A terrifying regeneration
In the wind and the rain and the water
My Father, Your daughter
But is there no answer?
To follow a dream
A home far away
A place you've never been before
But somehow long to stay
Scattered 'till empty
To be filled again
To inspect the insides, introspection
Drawn again together
Forever
Apart even longer
Your daughter
Can you listen to see
Or what will become of me?
A new wind will rise
And the fire follow after
The sound inside the laughter
To jump inside the calling
And never remember (or never forget)
How long
Is this falling

It's raining

It rains a lot here. I like it.
On Friday we went to a lake called Cultus Lake, which was basically a day of hanging out beside a very cold lake (I didn't go in, but some people did), playing volleyball, and playing a game called Incan Gold, or according to Jacob, "GEM UP!!!"
Saturday we went canoing and hiking in the mountains. There are mountains here, and they are very beautiful. We canoed for a ways, and that was a gong show, and then we hiked up a trail to a waterfall, which was stunning. This weekend was a time of hanging out and spending time together as a group. It's a lot of fun, we get on really well so far. You could pray that that continues, because it's a blessing and as some of us will be living together for the next 9 months, getting along is kind of important.
As the first week here is ending, things are going well. Tomorrow, they say, the really intense part starts. Apparently, this week was introduction. You could pray that I would get into journaling, because that's something that I am so far not great at, and also pray that I would have desire to pray, and go deeper in my relationship with God. I realized on Tuesday that I don't really pray anymore, and this is kind of a problem. Prayer is extremely important, and I need to commune with my King and Lover.
The best part of the weather is that I know that I am loved, because it's always raining. There is no escape from the knowledge that God loves me and is pursuing me. I remember every time it rains.

You're going where, to do what?

Many of you may be wondering what I am learning here in BC. The answer is, a lot. There is no way I could share everything, but I'll try to touch on some things. This afternoon we learned about MBMSI and all that goes into a successful mission agency. It was pretty fascinating. It makes sense why we don't just send money to missionaries- if you know who you're sending money to and what they believe and why they are going to another country, you are more likely to support them, financially and in other ways.
Yesterday Randy Friesen spoke about risk-taking obedience. Things are always better with an element of the unknown. He had 3 points. (This made note-taking easier.) They were salvation, discipleship, and mission. These all have an element of risk. In fact, they are mostly made up of risk. Here are some samples from my notes:
Salvation- Luke 13:22-27; Luke 14:25-35; Luke 18:18-30; and Ephesians 2:1-10. Jesus is asking for everything- all that we have. What are we willing to give up? All of it? If I'm still holding on to things, I am not following Jesus. This isn't necessarily about money or possessions (although we shouldn't hold on to those) but about the heart. Salvation comes through sacrifice. Man can't save people, only God can, so let the Holy Spirit work. It's easier to conform than rebel (against what the world says), but conforming doesn't teach you much.
Discipleship- Luke 19:11-27; Luke 11:1-13. You're not going to get maximum potential from your life if you just hold on to it, if you don't risk you don't grow. You have to be willing to lose what you've got in order to gain something. Prayer is the language of the kingdom of God. To follow Jesus, listen to him. Faith is exercised when asking God for things. God wants to give generously, because it will glorify Him, it will hallow His name. Disciples have to risk being ridiculous.
Mission- Luke 10:1-7. Mission is going to cost something. Deliberately put yourself in a place of vulnerability and need, rely on God to provide. (I've definitely got that one on right now.) The most effective impact happens when we put ourselves in the weaker position. This is counterintuitive but so is the kingdom of God. If Jesus calls you to do something, even if it's outrageous, GO FOR IT! Walk with grace and humility, and say thank you. Have an attitude of vulnerability, humility, and dependency.
This is some of what I am learning and being challenged with. There's no way to get everything on here. The only way to absorb everything is with God anyway. We've also been talking about intercessory prayer and yesterday we went and listened to God for a while, after asking Him what He thought about us. And this is what I got. (I was sitting on stairs at the time.) I'll leave off with it.

The stairs go up, the stairs come down
And I sit listening, distracted again
There's too much in the way
All this to hear You say,
"My Child, I love you anyway
I always have and always will
You're beautiful, you see
And of everything in all the world
Nothing could love you like Me."

Here at last

Just so you all know, after a much longer than anticipated stay in Calgary, Aleah and I arrived in Abbotsford around 10:00 local time last night. Our flight from Calgary was supposed to land in Abbotsford at 1:00, but after getting to about 1000 feet above ground here, the pilot decided it wasn't safe to land. So, logically, we flew back to Calgary. Then we stood in a line for over two hours, and got tickets on a flight to Vancouver that left at 7:30. So we got here later than expected, but the important thing is that we got here. And here we are. I guess things are really picking up now.

Holding on and letting go

Today is the day to start packing. I know it's only Wednesday, but I have to move all my stuff to my parents' house before I go yet. And for not working, it's sure been a busy week.
I was lying in bed last night, and I thought, "It's time to go." As much as I love you all, I'm ready to leave. It's been great seeing everyone again, but I'm starting to be ready to start. The first steps have been taken, so these are my next steps out, if you will. It is time to go.

The haunting melodies of old
Somehow entertain my mind
The songs I've never sung before
They sneak up from behind

They whisper and they laugh
They wail and they cry
They softly tell of ages past
And many things long gone by

They'll remind you of a dream
A place somewhere far away
A place you've never been before
But somehow long to stay.

Welcome to Nowhere

Okay, so welcome to my blog. This is where you want to look to find out where I am, what I am doing, and what I am learning. If you are reading this then you probably know, or are about to find out, that pretty soon I am headed to Abbotsford B.C. for two months, and after that, Guadalajara, Mexico, for 7 months, as an intern at the Matthew Training Center. Thank you for coming along on my journey. Thank you for praying. (This is also where you will find prayer requests.) Thank you for supporting me, be you the church, or friends from school, or family, or anyone else who randomly stumbles across here and reads.

I just wanted to explain the name of this blog. "Unaccounted for" is how I often felt growing up, especially in high school. Like I didn't fit. Like I didn't belong anywhere. One thing God has been teaching me lately is that I belong with Him, and He'll take care of the rest. He'll supply my nourishment, both figuratively and literally. When I belong to God, I don't belong to the world. I think that I am still unaccounted for now, but in a different way. I am accounted where it matters.
"Welcome to Nowhere" is the title of a poem I wrote 2 1/2 years ago, while on my freshman year missions trip to Calgary with Bethany College. (This is an unashamed plug for Bethany. It's wonderful. It will change your life. Go.) This trip changed my life. I realized there that missions is about people, not going places. And people are right in your backyard. Maybe in your house. At the office. Missions is about glorifying God in your life, wherever you are. And often there are hurting people around you everywhere. This is Nowhere. The people that are hurting, the people surrounding you that you never see because you see them every day. Nowhere is the places that everyone always looks past, because it is normal. Nowhere can be the inner city. That's where I found it. Nowhere can be your job. Nowhere can be East Berlin. And for me right now, Nowhere is Mexico. I am certain this is where God is sending me for now, and no matter what happens, I am going to trust Him. Thank you for coming, and please keep reading, but also, go out into your own Nowhere. And glorify Him.

I found a door to Nowhere
It really was absurd
And I looked back at Somewhere
Feeling free as a bird
I walked through that door to Nowhere
And found myself in love
Perhaps that land of Nowhere
Was my calling from above
And now I live in Nowhere
But they all know my name
Since I found that door to Nowhere
Nothing was ever the same

I'm tired of sleeping

The music is loud
And the words cut deep
It's not a bad thing, but
I'm too tired to sleep
I miss so much, so far away
You know I've broken my wings
I've burned all my bridges
Left for lesser things
I'm tired of waiting
Why won't you arrive
And then we are set free
Then we're alive
Feel the fire it traces
It draws lines in the night
It shows all my old scars
And sets them alight

Long time, long time in coming

I have come to the conclusion that friendship is inconvenient. This, I think, is the major reason I refuse to get facebook. Because true friendship is inconvenient. It means going out of your way, and it costs something, be that $40 to help someone who's broke, or 56 cents for a stamp. Not everyone you ever meet will be this kind of friend. I just don't see the point of conveniently being "friends" with 400 people when I could inconveniently be good friends with 20. I would rather catch up with you over coffee once a month than see all your doings from a distance every day. It seems more real to me. And as for far away ones, I would rather get a letter or a telephone call once a month than an email or a mass facebook message every other day. I would rather be real the only way I know how.

I don't think anyone reads this anymore, but if you do, congratulations. I just needed to get this out, one way or another.