Smile or frown

You know I'll love you either way.
I'm so glad we met and that we're friends now.
The thing that scares me the most about growing up, about graduating and leaving this town, is the fact that I won't be able to keep all my friends. Somewhere along the line we'll drift apart and I'll lose someone. It will invariably happen, you can't keep that many people when you're not forced to be together, like in school. Or people you don't get to see all the time like people from camp that don't live nearby. You lose friends you never wanted to lose. Letters don't work because people don't write back. Our lives have gotten too busy, too electrickized to sit down and actually write a letter, not type it. It's more fun that way, and more satisfying to read. But that's not the point. The point is that it's a scary prospect when you leave school to lose the people you've grown up with, especially when there's nothing you can do about it.

If you write me a letter I swear I'll write back. Then maybe we won't lose each other.

*screams*

Swift comes danger, they run fleet
Where sudden death and body meet
The stars can fall; the sky will sing
Why do we do this to you
Why do we never see
I don't think you can help it
Our comments cut and we never know it
You're bleeding inside but you never show it
It's the simplest things that hurt the most
I don't know how to fix it before all is lost
How do you take it
I don't understand it
Where these comments cut like knives
Until somewhere inside
It's all you can do to pretend it's okay
And in our stupidity we never realize
It's never okay
It's never right
And then tonight
I know it's foolish but I'm crying for what we stole
But maybe it's not too late
To take this pot of ashes and turn it into a bag of gold



What have we done? What right do we have to turn up our noses at you because you are no different from the rest of us and we never realize that. I hate my own stupidity I hate my lack of ability to stand up against what I see I hate that all we ever see of you is one thing because we're too high and mighty to look past that.

Now what?

I'm sore.
And frustrated.
It seems like I can't do anything right. I mean, I'm in Grade 12 here, and I'm pretty much the sole third line on the basketball team. And I AM trying. I'm trying as hard as I know how. I'm running fast and hard, and I try harder whenever Dave yells "harder". I seriously don't know what else to do. I want to go to Hoopla so badly, but I want to play in it too. Really. I get impatient sitting on the bench, although I'd rather be on the bench than not on the team at all. But it is my last year. The other thing is that I cannot do pushups, or make foul shots. I am trying but it just doesn't work for some reason. It is so so so frustrating. My body does not know how to do pushups and it's so embarrassing because I'm honestly trying and I look like a freak and I'm so darned slow at them. So what else do I do?

Some days it's so hard not to be jealous of you...

You make me smile

Life seems to have decided to be ironic lately. I mean, something'll happen and then I'll find the perfect song for how I'm feeling the next day.
Last night I went to a caroling thing at the church. It was great fun, especially eating the food afterward, but that's not the point. What stuck out the most was these four little grade one girls who sang a song. They were still at the age (obviously) where no one cares whether you can hit the notes or not, they just got up there and belted out the song. It was probably the highlight of the evening, and it made me think, why can't we still do that? Why is it that every time I sing people shun me, simply because I can't hit the notes? I love to sing. If I was six years old it wouldn't matter, but why does it now?

You fake it and I follow you right in

I'm really tired of this and of always fighting with you. Even when I swear I won't lose my temper it's gone within minutes when we argue. I don't understand you, I guess I'm not supposed to, but why can't I just accept it? Why are we both this stubborn and it always goes back and forth until I forget what I've promised myself minutes before. It's as frustrating as it can possibly get. I just want to get out of here; I just want to escape from this place at least for a little while.
I have heard the sweetest voice ever, and when that voice sings his own music my jaw dropped and I was glad of who I was sitting with otherwise I probably would've fallen in love.

Some days it's hard not to be jealous of you.

You know you can dance here

I know I've posted a lot in the past couple days, but this occurred to me today and I thought I should write it...

In the past, I always hated myself. The way I looked, the way I acted, who I was. So I wore a mask and screwed myself over, until I was so far gone I forgot where I came from and who I actually was. This is bad. Don't do it, it hurts more than it ought to and the pain is entirely unnecessary, you bring it on yourself. Anyway, this summer, that changed, starting in Philadelphia when I fell in love and continuing on at camp when I LITed and learned that people are amazing and that I have the best LIT group ever. And so I became myself this summer and it shows, I can see it. I'm happier now than I ever was before, and I care so much less what people think of me. Now I can dance.
And today I looked in the mirror and decided I was beautiful. Not in a cocky way, you understand, but for the first time in as long as I can remember, and we all know that's a long time, I liked the way I looked, and didn't hate myself for being me. I'll never be a head-turner but I really don't care and I won't change the way I am to try to be. That's really all that happened to me today, I decided I was beautiful. Sorry for getting you all excited.

The sky is falling

Don't look at me that way
There's nothing I can do
I don't know what to do with you
Don't make me handle you
Don't ask me questions I can't answer honestly
Don't ask me to do this today
There's no way I can fix this for you
I seriously can't help you now
Don't look at me like that
You're driving me to the point of insanity
There's nothing I can say but what I've already said
It's not going to change now
It's not my fault I love you

All you need is love... love is just a game

I came to 3 conclusions today, while doing my puzzle and listening to George Strait.
1) People in relationships who become too dependent on their significant other are screwed.
2) People in relationships who constantly think only of their significant other are screwed.
3) People in relationships who have the need to be in a relationship all the time are screwed.

I came to more conclusions today too. They are:
1) Social Studies is probably the most boring thing ever invented.
2) I don't want to go to Regina next week.
3) I am so extremely excited for basketball and I want to go to HOOPLA so so bad.
4) I enjoy almost all music including Celtic, reggae, jazz, and blues.
5) I hate most rap and all R&B.
6) Tomorrow night is going to be SWEET.

In other news, I had a sleepover last weekend and I'm still not caught up on my sleep. We stayed up until 4 in the morning and I'm still tired from it. It was great fun though. I'd totally do it again. Also, I got interviewed yesterday for the Country Press, so I guess I'm famous now. I'll be in the newspaper sometime in December because I wrote that story and got it published. So watch the Press, folks. Actually don't. I think it'll probably be kind of cheesy. So that is all that's new with me, comment on my life and tell me what you think of it. Even if you're not from Canada and don't know me, because that would just be entertaining. I like feedback, except from microphones.

"I had a dream I was Florence Nightingale and was getting raped..."

I miss you so bad sometimes

For the rest of my life I'll remember the Spanish kids of this summer and how they taught me that nothing is everything and my everything is really nothing at all, and that to be real is the only thing they see. I fell in love this summer so deeply that I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

Why does it cry, precious?

Kill me quick, kill me now
Because I don't want to have to spend
Another night sleeping
With my eyes wide open in
This cemetery world

I'm tired of hanging on
For dear life upside-down
I'm tired of being compared
To you

Remind me again how long
It takes to get out of this
And how much it doesn't hurt
To fall at this speed

Be who you are and say
Exactly what you mean
Knowing the smile in your eyes isn't fake
Even when the smile on your mouth is



I broke my writer's block today. Aren't you all proud of me? I hadn't written in something like 2 months and all of a sudden these first 3 verses came pouring out. (With my last name it's a wonder I don't get writer's block more often.) Seriously, why does everyone laugh at me and tell me I'll change my mind when I say I want 8 kids? I do. Don't tell me differently. (This is a different topic.) It's not that uncommon of a thing. I want a large family. What is wrong with that? Today was my Grandpa's birthday, so we went over there and had cake, and then spent 4 hours there, just hanging out. It was really good. I opened one of my Grandma's old jewelry boxes, and the smell of her drifted out. I almost started crying. I hadn't smelled her since she died, and that was 9 years ago now, when I was 7. It shouldn't have affected me as much as it did, but somehow I don't want to change it. Strange way for a 16-year-old girl to spend her Friday evening, nein? Guten nacht.