So I got back from Heritage yesterday and it was... sweet but at the same time sour. I'd love to say I learned a lot but I'm not sure if I did. I'm still sorting out my thoughts. Some things I understand and some I don't. People confuse me, but at the same time I fall in love with them. Fire licks around the edges, there's nothing left to say. I'm not happy with my life but I'm not disappointed in it. I want to walk away and run into your arms. We made a fire and watched it burn. Sparks flew between us but they burned holes in my soul. Wreathed in smoke I'm the color of ash. Vibrant. I no longer know what to think, there's nothing left to be. I miss you and I'm glad you're gone. Sitting here in sackcloth watching you slowly fade into smoke. What can hospitals do? Nothing left. Maybe something right. I would dance to the music in my head, there's nothing left to feel. Drowning in the lake I breathed for the first time in the red pool. I saw beauty but it was a shadow. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I'm in love with you. And there's no longer any way to pull me out of this sinking sand. Underneath in Thomas' world I met Justin and I laughed.
Quote of the day: Yankee!! Y is for Yankee!! -Brennan
Monday, September 12, 2005
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Heritage Tomorrow!!!!!!
I'm so excited but at the same time...
I’m tired of being so happy and then life happens and there I go again. I’m angry and I know its for a stupid reason and I’m angry anyway. So furious that I stop thinking rationally. I need to grow up and I know it but I don’t do it. Nothing makes sense any longer and all I do is yell incoherently into the muddle, making things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better if I lived in a hole underground; at least then people wouldn’t shout at me. Can I just try life without you always there hovering over my shoulder? What would it be like to live without rules? and there I go again, making the same bloody mistakes over again, but no one seems able to forget. And I can’t forgive myself for what I did. But what can I do about it? At least I can admit I am a stupid idiot. Remembering what you said that night theres nothing I can do. You can’t change the past. But the smallest wounds fester the longest, giving the most pain. like a rock in a shoe. Blistering between your toes. I think out culture has forgotten how to forgive. And give. But theres nothing anyone can do because when the night is over, I’m still awake and writing my story. Asking if I could change the past would my future change as well? Cause I’m still here and though you made me cry I know how hard it is. I didn’t ask to be born but there is nothing I can do about it. Cause I want to live before I die. And when I’m gone there will be no one left to mourn my empty tombstone. The later it gets the longer we are hanging on and I think that that is all we really can do in the end. It doesn’t even matter. The deeper you look into me the more you see yourself in a mirror. Creep.
I’m tired of being so happy and then life happens and there I go again. I’m angry and I know its for a stupid reason and I’m angry anyway. So furious that I stop thinking rationally. I need to grow up and I know it but I don’t do it. Nothing makes sense any longer and all I do is yell incoherently into the muddle, making things worse. Sometimes I think it would be better if I lived in a hole underground; at least then people wouldn’t shout at me. Can I just try life without you always there hovering over my shoulder? What would it be like to live without rules? and there I go again, making the same bloody mistakes over again, but no one seems able to forget. And I can’t forgive myself for what I did. But what can I do about it? At least I can admit I am a stupid idiot. Remembering what you said that night theres nothing I can do. You can’t change the past. But the smallest wounds fester the longest, giving the most pain. like a rock in a shoe. Blistering between your toes. I think out culture has forgotten how to forgive. And give. But theres nothing anyone can do because when the night is over, I’m still awake and writing my story. Asking if I could change the past would my future change as well? Cause I’m still here and though you made me cry I know how hard it is. I didn’t ask to be born but there is nothing I can do about it. Cause I want to live before I die. And when I’m gone there will be no one left to mourn my empty tombstone. The later it gets the longer we are hanging on and I think that that is all we really can do in the end. It doesn’t even matter. The deeper you look into me the more you see yourself in a mirror. Creep.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
Can I spontaneously combust now? T'would make such a lovely change
I’m tired of this. Really I am.
Can there be no more new kids? Please?
I’m so tired of this ongoing cycle. I try so hard to be part of a group, to actually feel as though I have friends, and just when I feel “Oh look there are people who love me” BANG there it goes. The frustrating part is that when there are new kids they are accepted in to the “inner circle” quote unquote way faster than I have ever been. Cause I’m not in the inner circle and have never been. It would be nice if my friends would actually call me and try to arrange something where they want to hang out with me, which by the way hasn’t happened since the last time I ranted about this on here. I feel like such a pest, but I get so tired of finding out about movie nights and pit fires and just generally hanging out after its all over and here am I spending my evening alone again. But don’t if you don’t want me there. I’m just saying, kindly don’t forget me next time, cause I’m so tired of people we barely know becoming better friends with my best friends than I am after like, a week than I have in my whole life. I don’t think that made any sense, but that is my rant of the time.
So if anythings driving you to remember any of this, I am still here and I do have feelings. And I know what its like to be forgotten, always.
Just in case. Thanks for listening…er…reading.
Can there be no more new kids? Please?
I’m so tired of this ongoing cycle. I try so hard to be part of a group, to actually feel as though I have friends, and just when I feel “Oh look there are people who love me” BANG there it goes. The frustrating part is that when there are new kids they are accepted in to the “inner circle” quote unquote way faster than I have ever been. Cause I’m not in the inner circle and have never been. It would be nice if my friends would actually call me and try to arrange something where they want to hang out with me, which by the way hasn’t happened since the last time I ranted about this on here. I feel like such a pest, but I get so tired of finding out about movie nights and pit fires and just generally hanging out after its all over and here am I spending my evening alone again. But don’t if you don’t want me there. I’m just saying, kindly don’t forget me next time, cause I’m so tired of people we barely know becoming better friends with my best friends than I am after like, a week than I have in my whole life. I don’t think that made any sense, but that is my rant of the time.
So if anythings driving you to remember any of this, I am still here and I do have feelings. And I know what its like to be forgotten, always.
Just in case. Thanks for listening…er…reading.
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Tolkien
I don't know what half the words mean... but it's pretty. And haunting.
"Why the Man in the Moon came down too soon"
The Man in the Moon had silver shoon
And his beard was of silver thread;
He was girt with pale gold and inaureoled
With gold about his head.
Clad in silken robe in his great white globe
He opened an ivory door
With a crystal key, and in secrecy
He stole o'er a shadowy floor;
Down a filigree stair of spidery hair
He slipped in gleaming haste,
And laughing with glee to be merry and free
He swiftly earthward raced
He was tired of his pearls and diamond twirls;
Of his pallid minaret
Dizzy and white at its lunar height
In a world of silver set;
And adventured this peril for ruby and beryl
And emerald and sapphire
And all lustrous gems for new diadems,
Or to blazon his ale attire.
He was lonely too with nothing to do
But to stare at the golden world,
Or strain for the hum that would distantly come
As it gaily past him whirled;
And at plenilune in his argent moon
He had wearily longed a fire-
Not the limpid lights of wan selenites,
But a red terrestrial pyre
With impurpurate glows of crimson and rose
And leaping orange tongue
For great seas of blues and the passionate hues
When a dancing dawn is young;
For the meadowy ways like chrysoprase
By winding Yare and Nen.
How he longed for the mirth of populous Earth
And the sanguine blood of men
And coveted song and laughter long
And viands hot and wine,
Eating pearly cakes of light snowflakes
And drinking thin moonshine
He twinkled his feet as the thought of the meat,
Of the punch and the peppery brew
Till the tripped unaware on his slanting stair
And fell like meteors do;
As the wickering sparks in splashing arcs
Of stars blown down like rain
From his laddery path took a foaming bath
In the Ocean of Almain
And began to think, lest he melt and stink,
What in the moon to do,
When a Yarmouthboat found him far afloat
To the mazement of the crew
Caught in their net all shimmering wet
In a phosphorescent sheen
Of bluey whites and opal lights
And delicate liquid green
With the morning fish - it was his regal wish –
They packed him to Norwish town
To get warm on gin in a Norfolk inn
And dry his watery gown.
Though Saint Peter´s knell waked many a bell
In the city´s ringing towers
To shout the news of his lunatic cruise
In the early morning hours,
No hearths were laid, not a breakfast made,
And no one would sell him gems;
He found ashes for fire, and his gay desire
For chorus and brave anthems
Met snores instead with all Norfolk abed,
And his round heart nearly broke,
More empty and cold then above of old,
Till he bartered his fairy cloak
With a half-waked cook for a kitchen nook,
And his belt of cold for a smile,
And a priceless jewel for a bowl of gruel
A sample cold and vile
Of the proud plum-porridge of Anglian-Norwich–
He arrived so much too soon
For unusual guests on adventurous quests
From the Mountains of the Moon.
"Why the Man in the Moon came down too soon"
The Man in the Moon had silver shoon
And his beard was of silver thread;
He was girt with pale gold and inaureoled
With gold about his head.
Clad in silken robe in his great white globe
He opened an ivory door
With a crystal key, and in secrecy
He stole o'er a shadowy floor;
Down a filigree stair of spidery hair
He slipped in gleaming haste,
And laughing with glee to be merry and free
He swiftly earthward raced
He was tired of his pearls and diamond twirls;
Of his pallid minaret
Dizzy and white at its lunar height
In a world of silver set;
And adventured this peril for ruby and beryl
And emerald and sapphire
And all lustrous gems for new diadems,
Or to blazon his ale attire.
He was lonely too with nothing to do
But to stare at the golden world,
Or strain for the hum that would distantly come
As it gaily past him whirled;
And at plenilune in his argent moon
He had wearily longed a fire-
Not the limpid lights of wan selenites,
But a red terrestrial pyre
With impurpurate glows of crimson and rose
And leaping orange tongue
For great seas of blues and the passionate hues
When a dancing dawn is young;
For the meadowy ways like chrysoprase
By winding Yare and Nen.
How he longed for the mirth of populous Earth
And the sanguine blood of men
And coveted song and laughter long
And viands hot and wine,
Eating pearly cakes of light snowflakes
And drinking thin moonshine
He twinkled his feet as the thought of the meat,
Of the punch and the peppery brew
Till the tripped unaware on his slanting stair
And fell like meteors do;
As the wickering sparks in splashing arcs
Of stars blown down like rain
From his laddery path took a foaming bath
In the Ocean of Almain
And began to think, lest he melt and stink,
What in the moon to do,
When a Yarmouthboat found him far afloat
To the mazement of the crew
Caught in their net all shimmering wet
In a phosphorescent sheen
Of bluey whites and opal lights
And delicate liquid green
With the morning fish - it was his regal wish –
They packed him to Norwish town
To get warm on gin in a Norfolk inn
And dry his watery gown.
Though Saint Peter´s knell waked many a bell
In the city´s ringing towers
To shout the news of his lunatic cruise
In the early morning hours,
No hearths were laid, not a breakfast made,
And no one would sell him gems;
He found ashes for fire, and his gay desire
For chorus and brave anthems
Met snores instead with all Norfolk abed,
And his round heart nearly broke,
More empty and cold then above of old,
Till he bartered his fairy cloak
With a half-waked cook for a kitchen nook,
And his belt of cold for a smile,
And a priceless jewel for a bowl of gruel
A sample cold and vile
Of the proud plum-porridge of Anglian-Norwich–
He arrived so much too soon
For unusual guests on adventurous quests
From the Mountains of the Moon.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Nicole
01. Comment with your name, and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. Then I'll tell you my silliest memory of you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. Nicole is... one of my intriguing people. Thats a good thing to be. Shes funny and serious and good at basketball, which means she should play next year. hint hint.
2. movie- Moulin Rouge. because you remind me of Nicole Kidman. Except you are not a prostitute. So I guess youre not really that much like her. There isnt really a song that reminds me of you.
3. flighty, but not entirely. I dont think there is a word for that though.
4. The sleepover you, me and Kerri had in my basement where we planned out our whole island thing with our weddings and everything.
5. The time in grade 8 coming home from basketball in Ashleys van where you wouldnt let anyone else speak for the whole minute because it would never happen again. 5:10
6. a cat
7. I have always wondered why sometimes you like boys and are good friends with them and some days you are like "I hate boys, theyre all stupid".
02. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. Then I'll tell you my silliest memory of you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
-----------------------------------------------------------
1. Nicole is... one of my intriguing people. Thats a good thing to be. Shes funny and serious and good at basketball, which means she should play next year. hint hint.
2. movie- Moulin Rouge. because you remind me of Nicole Kidman. Except you are not a prostitute. So I guess youre not really that much like her. There isnt really a song that reminds me of you.
3. flighty, but not entirely. I dont think there is a word for that though.
4. The sleepover you, me and Kerri had in my basement where we planned out our whole island thing with our weddings and everything.
5. The time in grade 8 coming home from basketball in Ashleys van where you wouldnt let anyone else speak for the whole minute because it would never happen again. 5:10
6. a cat
7. I have always wondered why sometimes you like boys and are good friends with them and some days you are like "I hate boys, theyre all stupid".
Monday, August 15, 2005
Steph
01. Comment with your name, and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. Then I'll tell you my silliest memory of you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
1. Steph is short and cool and crazy. She's a lot of fun to hang out with.
2. The Jacket, and Stairway to Heaven
3. crazy
4. i don't know... Can I come back another day to this one?
5. Vanessa... you're good at morshing! and other such quotes.
6. a puppy
7. do you have ADD? and why don't we hang out more often?
02. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. Then I'll tell you my silliest memory of you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
-------------------------------------------------------------
1. Steph is short and cool and crazy. She's a lot of fun to hang out with.
2. The Jacket, and Stairway to Heaven
3. crazy
4. i don't know... Can I come back another day to this one?
5. Vanessa... you're good at morshing! and other such quotes.
6. a puppy
7. do you have ADD? and why don't we hang out more often?
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Faith Enough
The ice is thin enough for walking
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talking
The world is crumbling but I know why
The world is crumbling but I know why
The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I’m home enough to know I’m lost
Home enough to know I’m lost
It’s just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It’s just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight
The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I’m blind
And see enough to know I’m blind
It’s just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It’s just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight
Should the world rely on faith tonight
-Jars of Clay
The rope is worn enough to climb
My throat is dry enough for talking
The world is crumbling but I know why
The world is crumbling but I know why
The storm is wild enough for sailing
The bridge is weak enough to cross
This body frail enough for fighting
I’m home enough to know I’m lost
Home enough to know I’m lost
It’s just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It’s just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight
The land unfit enough for planting
Barren enough to conceive
Poor enough to gain the treasure
Enough a cynic to believe
Confused enough to know direction
The sun eclipsed enough to shine
Be still enough to finally tremble
And see enough to know I’m blind
And see enough to know I’m blind
It’s just enough to be strong
In the broken places, in the broken places
It’s just enough to be strong
Should the world rely on faith tonight
Should the world rely on faith tonight
-Jars of Clay
Jess
01. Comment with your name, and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. Then I'll tell you my silliest memory of you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your blog.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. Jess is a short girl who hates basketball but is actually quite good at it.
2. The Jacket cause we watched that together and I can't think of a song right now.
3. animated
4. Probably the same- going in the bushes on the way to Heritage.
5. "I thought that car ran on diesel"
6. A cat, because you love cats and your cat can turn on the bathroom light. You're talented just like your cat. With different talents.
7. I've always wondered why you are friends with me.
02. I will then tell what song/movie reminds me of you.
03. I will try to name a single word that best describes you.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment I've had with you.
05. Then I'll tell you my silliest memory of you.
06. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
07. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
08. Put this in your blog.
----------------------------------------------------------------
1. Jess is a short girl who hates basketball but is actually quite good at it.
2. The Jacket cause we watched that together and I can't think of a song right now.
3. animated
4. Probably the same- going in the bushes on the way to Heritage.
5. "I thought that car ran on diesel"
6. A cat, because you love cats and your cat can turn on the bathroom light. You're talented just like your cat. With different talents.
7. I've always wondered why you are friends with me.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
I caught it! Jess I caught the baton!
For Jess:
last CD bought: umm, Kutless- Sea of Faces and United- the blue one
song playing right now: Like Coming Home by Lonestar. I'm listening to Hot 93
5 songs that mean a lot to me:
Something to be Proud of- Montgomery Gentry
On Fire- Switchfoot
There is Nothing Like- Hillsong United
In the End- Linkin Park
Fool's Overture- Supertramp
I'm packing for camp right now. Waiting for my clothes in the dryer to dry. Off to work at camp tomorrow! I'm excited, and so I'll see you all in a week.
last CD bought: umm, Kutless- Sea of Faces and United- the blue one
song playing right now: Like Coming Home by Lonestar. I'm listening to Hot 93
5 songs that mean a lot to me:
Something to be Proud of- Montgomery Gentry
On Fire- Switchfoot
There is Nothing Like- Hillsong United
In the End- Linkin Park
Fool's Overture- Supertramp
I'm packing for camp right now. Waiting for my clothes in the dryer to dry. Off to work at camp tomorrow! I'm excited, and so I'll see you all in a week.
Saturday, July 30, 2005
Blue Like Jazz
I bought this book last night and finished it last night and it is really really good. I highly recommend it to everyone, especially if you are interested even remotely in the Christian faith. It is a "nonreligious thoughts on Christian spirituality". it's fascinating.
In other news, I mowed the lawn today and got a nice sunburn. It was great fun. I even mowed part of the neighbor's lawn. And now I am baking muffins for church tomorrow. A Dalmeny homecoming. The best definition I ever heard of homecoming is "a good excuse to get plastered". for the record, I have never been plastered.
And here's a good song by Montgomery Gentry, to end things off:
There's a story that my daddy tells religiously
Like clockwork every time he sees an opening
In a conversation about the way things used to be
Well I'd just roll my eyes and make a bee-line for the door
But I'd always wind up starry-eyed, cross-legged on the floor
Hanging on to every word
Man, the things I heard
It was harder times and longer days
Five miles to school, uphill both ways
We were cane switch raised, and dirt floor poor
'Course that was back before the war
Yeah, your uncle and I made quite a pair
Flying F-15's through hostile air
He went down but they missed me by a hair
He'd always stop right there and say...
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
So I'm graduatin' college, that was mama's dream
But I was on my way to anywhere else when I turned 18
Cuz when you gotta fast car you think you've got everything
I learned quick those GTO's don't run on faith
I ended up broken down in some town north of L.A.
Working maximum hours for minimum wage
Well, I fell in love, next thing I know
The babies came, the car got slow
I sure do miss that old hot rod
But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs
Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, lemme tell ya right now
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of
And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of
In other news, I mowed the lawn today and got a nice sunburn. It was great fun. I even mowed part of the neighbor's lawn. And now I am baking muffins for church tomorrow. A Dalmeny homecoming. The best definition I ever heard of homecoming is "a good excuse to get plastered". for the record, I have never been plastered.
And here's a good song by Montgomery Gentry, to end things off:
There's a story that my daddy tells religiously
Like clockwork every time he sees an opening
In a conversation about the way things used to be
Well I'd just roll my eyes and make a bee-line for the door
But I'd always wind up starry-eyed, cross-legged on the floor
Hanging on to every word
Man, the things I heard
It was harder times and longer days
Five miles to school, uphill both ways
We were cane switch raised, and dirt floor poor
'Course that was back before the war
Yeah, your uncle and I made quite a pair
Flying F-15's through hostile air
He went down but they missed me by a hair
He'd always stop right there and say...
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
So I'm graduatin' college, that was mama's dream
But I was on my way to anywhere else when I turned 18
Cuz when you gotta fast car you think you've got everything
I learned quick those GTO's don't run on faith
I ended up broken down in some town north of L.A.
Working maximum hours for minimum wage
Well, I fell in love, next thing I know
The babies came, the car got slow
I sure do miss that old hot rod
But you sure save gas in them foreign jobs
Dad, I wonder if I ever let you down
If you're ashamed how I turned out
Well, he lowered his voice, then he raised his brow
Said, lemme tell ya right now
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
You don't need to make a million
Just be thankful to be workin'
If you're doing what you're able
And putting food there on the table
And providing for the family that you love
That's something to be proud of
And if all you ever really do is the best you can
Well, you did it man
That's something to be proud of
That's a life you can hang your hat on
That's a chin held high as the tears fall down
A gut sucked in, a chest stuck out
Like a small town flag a-flyin'
Or a newborn baby cryin'
In the arms of the woman that you love
That's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Yeah, that's something to be proud of
That's something to be proud of
Now that's something to be proud of
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