So many ways to cry...

This ache in my heart that says I miss you, I want you
This frustration with stubbornness
This exhaustion from lack of sleep
This joy of knowing we won
This hurt, the regret that you're gone
This confused emptiness I don't understand
This empathy
This delight, the knowledge that this is beautiful
This pain of breaking
This sorrow

And what do I do?
I bottle myself up and cry into my pillow at night
I don't understand why I feel this way
It doesn't feel like Christmas...