Life's waiting to begin

It's nice outside. And I don't know why I'm inside sitting at the computer. Habit, I guess. Like smoking or dancing. I think I'll go back outside when this is done.
I'm getting antsy. Can't sit still. Life is changing and swirling me along with it and sometimes I don't know where we're going. Is that such a bad thing? I'm tired of the same questions when people are trying to make small talk with me. Come up with something original, why don't you? But still, as it all stands, I'm excited for moving to Bethany.
School started today. It is the strangest concept, not being there, and at the same time it feels perfectly natural. It just feels like school hasn't started yet, that's all. And when I do go, the same people won't be there and it will be different. A different sort of school. I'm scared of growing up. Hesitant. It scares me. As much as I want to grow up I want to stay where I am, where I'm comfortable. But we all know that'll never happen. God works in strange ways sometimes. All the time.

...here I am...

Going home

Going home.
I've been going home a lot lately. The trouble is, home is always in a different place. Camp ended today. I will miss the people there. Bethany starts in 9 days. In 9 days I'll have moved out of the house. I will miss the people here. Let's go for coffee before I move. Let's just hang out. There's a week in which I'm doing nothing.
There are so many stories from camp and now I don't feel like telling any of them. Ask me sometime. It's a beautiful thing and as much as one loves it it is so good to be home, or what is home for a little while longer. What has been home my whole life until now.
What's going to happen to me now? I have to face the fact that I've grown up. I'm not a little girl anymore. It is a terrifying thought that I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in a year. I guess that's where you learn to rely so much on God, where you really haven't the foggiest notion of where you're going to be.
I haven't cried all summer. Well, I did a little bit, but that's because one of the girls in my cabin became a Christian. They were happy tears. I have this desire to cry, but I can't. Wedesday, this last Wednesday, was a bad day. One of only two bad days I had all summer, but still, I was frustrated. When you want to cry but you just can't, it is not a good thing. Feeling, emotion, being moved to the point of tears, used to come so easily, especially at camp. Now there's nothing.
Perhaps it is when you turn to God when there's nothing, no feeling, when you don't feel Him moving, that He is actually working in your life. When you feel Him, it's like a spiritual high, you know, like everyone says, camp's a spiritual high or whatever. I didn't get that this year. I tried, I really did, but nothing happened. Maybe it's better that way, because God still worked wonders this summer.
We hit a deer on the way home tonight. She jumped out in front of us and we schmucked her good. After we stopped I went to see if she was dead. She wasn't, she was just lying in the ditch, like she had decided to settle there for the evening, very peacefully. Her head was up and she looked at me. And then I cried. And then I went running back to the truck and we backed up and my daddy hit her over the head with a board so she was dead so she didn't hurt anymore. Because we broke her and although we couldn't help it and I wouldn't've cared if she'd died right away the fact that she looked at me first scared me.
That is all. Hugs are good.

Break me down

I want someone to tell me it's okay to have these dreams, that they don't mean anything. I don't want them to mean anything. I want to forget them and let things that are happening happen. As long as that's okay. I mean, it's comfortable. Like a bunnyhug that's huge but warm. Like cuddling with people in the staff lounge during meetings, when it's cold enough that you can't feel your toes. Like the fire when you're right behind me. Tell me you'll chase me when I run away, and that you won't be gone when I come back.
Sometimes God is frustrating. Always God is good. It's not difficult to see Him working at camp. It's harder to see Him working in my own life. I realize what I need to do but it's so hard. Perhaps it's the same for everybody. I don't know. I am only myself.
I dislike the fact that the people I most want to talk to are in Saskatoon, Alberta, and Australia. They are not here.
God help me. Let me do this on Your strength, for I have none of my own. Give me Your wisdom, for without it I will fail. Let me abandon myself into You, so that I will become what you want me to be. Take my fears and my joys, and make me Yours. Don't let this be superficial. Let me mean what I say. Amen.

You don't seem to understand

Difficult on purpose. Just to see if you'll always come back. But I don't know why. Why would you?

It's like coming home

Someone said "postsecondary education" to me today. It frightened me. I'm not old enough to go to postsecondary education. I am not old enough to leave home. I have left home. I live at camp now. It is a terrifying concept, realizing that you've grown up and are old enough to leave the place you've spent your whole life at, up to this point. In the past, I always thought the people who've graduated were so mature and grown up. Being here now, I have no idea why. Growing up scares me. At the same time, I am extremely excited for the rest of my life, for going to Bethany, and traveling, and who knows what else after that. But, this little town that I grew up in will always draw me back. In a way, I don't know if I'll ever really leave it.

The opposite of color

Eifersüchtig? Ja, aber nicht für der Grund du denkst. Ich weiß du macht nicht.

Daisy, give yourself away
Look up at the rain, the beautiful display
Of power and surrender, giving us today
And she gives herself away
Rain, another rainy day, comes up from the ocean
Gives herself away, she comes down easy
Are rich and debt the same?
And she gives herself away
Let it go, Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist, this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go
Pain, give yourself a name
Call yourself contrition, avarice or blame
Giving isn't easy, neither is the rain
When she gives herself away
Daisy, why another day?
Why another sunrise? who will take the blame
For all redemptive motion, and every rainy day
When He gives Himself away
Let it go Daisy, let it go
Open up your fist, this fallen world
Doesn't hold your interest
Doesn't hold your soul
Daisy, let it go

Growing up

Something occurred to me today. If Lucy had met the White Witch before she met Mr. Tumnus, would she have been the traitor? It gets hard to tell which side is in the right if you go at it without knowing Mr. Tumnus first.
Next question. Say one were to really want something and pray and pray about it, and God says "Wait". So one waits and it works out, and later, months later, one was to want the same thing again, and pray and pray about it. Would God say no? If so, why didn't He say no the first time around? It is greatly frustrating when God says nothing at all, although logically I know there is nothing yet to say.

Crazy? I was crazy once

I have discovered what I want in life. I want to be a mother. That is my goal in life. I had a dream last night that I had 3 girls already and was pregnant again because my husband wanted a boy. I thought of it today, if I get married before I'm 21 years old, I can have 8 children by the time I'm 35 and they won't be awkwardly older than one another. It really wouldn't be that hard. Sometimes there are things that I want very badly. I am not sure whether these things are right or wrong and God has decided to be silent on the subject for the time being. One of the great things about camp is that one can really get to know God in a very easy way, He's right there all the time. Not that He isn't other times, just at Redberry you can feel it all the time. That doesn't mean I always do the right thing, it's hard. But there are some things I want very badly, some things I am doing that I have wanted to for a long time. But God is still quiet with his opinion. The Bible, I am learning, does not answer everything. There are gray areas that only God can answer. So we wait.

Catch your breath

I never fully realized how much I needed you
Until you were gone
And now I don't know what to do
Because I can't talk to anyone else
The way I talk to you
.....
I've never trusted anyone the way I trusted you
But now you're gone
And now I don't know what to do
Because I never trusted anyone else
The way I trusted you


Have you ever wanted something
Knowing it would be better not to have it?
In the long run I see this sense
Learned over and over again
Yet still, sometimes I wonder
If it isn't so bad
To desire
To ignore my better senses
And live in the moment
As foolish as I know it to be
Knowing it would be better in the future
To have then instead of now
Even so, I don't doubt this desire
Stems from jealousy, the wrong reasons
Perhaps the reason it grips so strong
Tonight

You realize

These dreams can't be bad because your arms are so warm and so comfortable. And tonight, I am happy.