When I press the keys it all gets reversed

Other people's words are filling my head; I have none of my own. Their songs catch and say what I want to say and therefore my words are as blank as the paper I write them on. And I miss you, you're so far away across the ocean and I wish you were closer so we could talk more like we did once upon a time. It's crazy now, now that the people I need to talk to are all so far away. I hate school more and more these days, the only highlights being the camping trip and nice weather so we can eat outside. I feel like I'm drifting farther and farther from the things that once anchored me here and I'm becoming faker and faker whenever I'm around people. Why can't I be real anymore? Why can't I be what I found last summer, myself? Why do I feel like crying so much these days? I'm sad tonight and I don't know why. It feels right somehow, though. Maybe sad is okay these days.

I still believe You'll carry me tonight

I built another temple to a stranger
I gave away my heart to the rushing wind
I set my course to run right into danger
I sought the company of fools instead of friends
you know I've been unfaithful
with lovers in lines
while you're turning over tables
with the rage of a jealous kind
I chose the gallows to the aisle
thought that love would never find
hanging ropes will never keep you
and your love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
tryin' to jump away from rock that keeps on spreading
for solace in the shift of the sinking sand
I'd rather feel the pain all too familiar
than be broken by a lover I don't understand
'cause I don't understand
love of a jealous kind, yeah
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
one hundred other lovers, more, one hundred other altars
if I should slow my pace and finally subject me to grace
and love that shames the wise
betrays the heart's deceit and lies
and breaks the back of foolish pride
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind
love of a jealous kind

I've been thinkin'

"One in three, you are here to tell me we can't do this
Three for three I disagree..."

"When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend
Get a coffee and the paper, have my own conversations
With the sidewalk and the pigeons and my window reflection..."

"I've been thinking about these funny things that I remember..."

"I'm sorry for the phone call, and needing you
Some decisions you don't make
I guess it's just like breathing and not wanting to
There are some things you can't fake
And I'm sorry about the phone call, and waking you
I know that it is late
But thank you for talking, 'cause I needed to
There are some things that just can't wait."

"I'll be fine, you'll be fine..."

"Maybe we, why don't we, sit right here for half an hour
We'll speak of what I waste I am
And how we missed your beat again"

"We might die from medication but we sure killed all the pain..."

Make your choice, adventurous stranger
Strike the bell and bide the danger
Or wonder, 'til it drives you mad
What would have followed, if you had.

Turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream

I feel like writing but I don't know what. I had a really good evening tonight; I wish we did that more often. Like we used to. I've gotten used to this new idea and although I don't like it I've finally accepted it. I'll be fine. It's cold in here. And it's almost Easter break. I hate school so freaking much right now it's not even funny. So that much time off will be wonderful. This much closer to grad. I am jealous of the people going to Europe this next week. Why doesn't Dalmeny do things like that? Oh yeah, we're a ghetto town with a cheap school. There's something about you that makes me smile. I don't know why. The colors are swirling together like the cold mist and the blue on my wrist, until it's just memories and moments and it spins around in torrents, the clock's going backwards until yesterday is all we have to live for but tomorrow's still waiting for someone to break out of this falling upwards and hit the ground with enough air left in their lungs to breathe for a while, until the clouds stop whirling in their crazy dance and my kaleidoscope eyes close, once you can balance out the checkbook you'll be too poor to play this game anymore, once you balance out your mind the language will switch. Maybe she's lucky.

Coming unglued

They say fire can make a conscience clean, so I was wondering if I would feel better if I burned it down. I was wondering why you are so far away when I need you the most. I was wondering why I am such an asshole. I was wondering if I could burn my skin off so my soul shows through and if you would still love me then. I was wondering how long this will take and if it will happen in time. I am wondering when I'll be able to forgive myself.

My hands are shaking cold

If I could be one place in the entire world right now it would be in your living room. Just talking to you and not having to be anything all night. Where nothing matters and no one cares and I can be so simple and the world can't get at me. And I don't have to be.

There's more to living...

Bigots. You never try to find out what this is like, that's why you hate it so much. The only vibe I get from you is that you're so much better than me. You think you're such a good Christian but you aren't. GET PAST THE FREAKING FACE VALUE. There's so much more that you can't see because you're so wrapped up in what you think it is, even though you're not even close to the truth. You don't know these people. You can't see anything outside of your nice religious box. But then again, I must be crazy. After all, I've gone to a party where there was alcohol. And I even tasted it.

Giving up hurts the most

Why is it so damned hard to find a place I can truly be happy? Why am I trying so hard to find a place called home when is all actuality home is right here where I am? Why do the words you write speak so clearly to me my heart hurts when I hear them? Why do I wait so long for you but you never call so it's never worth it? And why oh why do I keep coming back and thinking maybe this time it'll be different when you so obviously never cared for me in the first place, and all those times were just obligation? I guess it's been too long, one too many nights spent waiting. So it's over then, and all I now have to do is wait for summer, when I can escape to one of the original places I was ever truly content.

I just wanted the assurance that I am still here for a reason, that I'm not crazy. Someone please tell me I'm not losing my mind and remind me of the things I love. Let me know that I haven't lost my mind.

Why do I give up so easily?

Sherbet spigot med kit

Went out job hunting today. Didn't catch any, maybe it would help if I learned to aim when I shoot. All those poor jobs, running around out there and not hanging on my wall as trophies. However, all the places I went to said that they'd keep my resume resume resume resume resumae should be spelled like that and not like resume. Continue. [That was a terrible pun, I love it.] The place I would most like to work at is the butcher shop in Martensville {I seem to be the antithesis of Nicole here} and they seemed to be the least likely to hire me. The place I would least like to work is Tim Hortons and they seemed fairly eager to hire me, all things considering. I also applied at the nursing home here in town and I phoned my neighbor who owns chicken barns to see if he needed someone, but my first choice would be the butcher shop. I have butchered a cow before and it was great fun. A very good skill to have, butchering. Very useful. Good to know after you've shot and bagged a job.

Anyways, "Hey guys, I forget, how old are you when you're fifteen?" Hey, Lindsay?

There is always tomorrow

Now what? There's so many places I want to be and so many people I want to stay up all night talking to and so few of them live in this town.
"I'll close my eyes, just for tonight, the sun still sleeps, and when she wakes... maybe we will find love again..."
As different as we are, it feels so natural to hang out with you, and I'm so happy when I'm with you guys, you make me smile so unlike so many people from here. There's nothing tying me here anymore except school and a few friends, none as close anymore as I wish we were, as we used to be. And a few that I never want to see again but I have to because it's the required thing now, you hang out in the same group so you're supposed to like each other but I'M SO SICK OF YOU and it's all falling out. It's all disappearing, and in a little while it'll all be gone. And there's still so much we never said and so much we'll regret so live it while you have it because soon it will be a memory. And I hate that. Isn't that ironic...