I miss you so bad sometimes

For the rest of my life I'll remember the Spanish kids of this summer and how they taught me that nothing is everything and my everything is really nothing at all, and that to be real is the only thing they see. I fell in love this summer so deeply that I don't think I'll ever be the same again.

Why does it cry, precious?

Kill me quick, kill me now
Because I don't want to have to spend
Another night sleeping
With my eyes wide open in
This cemetery world

I'm tired of hanging on
For dear life upside-down
I'm tired of being compared
To you

Remind me again how long
It takes to get out of this
And how much it doesn't hurt
To fall at this speed

Be who you are and say
Exactly what you mean
Knowing the smile in your eyes isn't fake
Even when the smile on your mouth is



I broke my writer's block today. Aren't you all proud of me? I hadn't written in something like 2 months and all of a sudden these first 3 verses came pouring out. (With my last name it's a wonder I don't get writer's block more often.) Seriously, why does everyone laugh at me and tell me I'll change my mind when I say I want 8 kids? I do. Don't tell me differently. (This is a different topic.) It's not that uncommon of a thing. I want a large family. What is wrong with that? Today was my Grandpa's birthday, so we went over there and had cake, and then spent 4 hours there, just hanging out. It was really good. I opened one of my Grandma's old jewelry boxes, and the smell of her drifted out. I almost started crying. I hadn't smelled her since she died, and that was 9 years ago now, when I was 7. It shouldn't have affected me as much as it did, but somehow I don't want to change it. Strange way for a 16-year-old girl to spend her Friday evening, nein? Guten nacht.

I don't know exactly where I am

I just wanted to be happy...

I thought I always wanted a boyfriend, I mean, who doesn't? It's normal, right? And then I got a chance to have one and I realized I don't really want one. Well, actually, I do, but I can feel God telling me to wait, because He is courting me right now and I have no time for boyfriends. Which is kind of cool because He's right. And it all worked out in the end and I'm happier just being friends, because then there's no pressure and nothing weird is happening. I'm sick of couples anyway, I don't think I want to join their ranks quite yet. It's comfortable this way. Besides, as I said already, couples annoy me.
Strange how life works, you know, always thinking you want something and then finding out you don't want it after all. Sometimes because there's something so much better out there and sometimes then you realize that now you have this big gaping hole and you're like, well, now what? (Which is a different topic for those of you who actually followed that statement.)
I also realized I would never be happy in a 9-5 job. I mean, I would hate it. Even if it was a job I liked, a routine like that would be the death of me. I need a job that's not ordinary, something that I would love, something out of doors but not ridiculous, something that could require travelling but wouldn't make me leave my family for long periods of time, because I want a family. What is my life going to be like after this year? It's almost like I'm relying on my routine to get through the year but it's not what I want. And to top it all off, it's too cold to run.

It's so amazing here...

If you could live the rest of your life thinking on what could have happened, you'll never notice life banging on your door and saying, “Look what's happening now!”

You can't change what's past but you can react to what's now instead of living in the past.

Be real before it's too late.

“So let go and jump in,
You'll be alright,
Because there's beauty in the breakdown.”

“Life's so amazing here”

You make me want to scream. I don't know what to say to you. I care about you so so much and this is just hurting you and we both know it. But there's nothing I can do and it's way beyond me now. You're just too damn stubborn to see how you're hurting yourself. It frustrates me to no end to see this, and to have to sit back and watch, knowing there is nothing I can do. I'm not denying I have my own problems because we both know what I've done. We both knew better and we're still scarred forever, so please snap out of it before you lose to something that was never real in the first place. It's consuming you and I hate so much to sit helplessly by.

I want to write about my courtship but somehow it seems this isn't the time to do it. I will say this, however: I am being courted and it is the most amazing feeling in the world, because I'm realizing that if someone can know me so well and still love me, well, he's amazing. (I'm more glad than ever we both chose like we did, because otherwise my life would be so messed up right now, and I have to say I'd never be like this if we had chosen that, and this is so much better than that could ever be now.)


..today I love breathing...

I still want to hold hands

"Have you ever had an impossible crush... like on someone who's dead?"

"Maybe it was angelfood cake!"

Seriously, I love you guys. We are the most Mennonite people ever. I mean, Thiessen, Falk, Pauls, Klassen, Siemens, Foth, Kessler, Funk, Wiebe, Wall, Block, Friesen, Braun, Quiring, (Nickel, Hango, Jeschke, Freistadt). Menn-o-nite. We are the most amazing group ever and I wouldn't trade you for anyone in the world.

You say all the right things

Funny, isn't it, how God works things out in the end. There's so much I didn't have to worry about because God just took care of it all. I'm happier, I think, than if we would have chosen differently. I'm learning to be patient and wait on God's timing. I'm also learning to trust God, I guess, and follow what He says even though it's not what I want exactly, but in the end it's exactly what I want. I'm content now, I think. You make me laugh, you make me smile, you say all the right things even when you're not trying to. So I'm officially not dating right now and that is perfectly fine with me, better than alright.

Someday I will win a spitting contest though. I will work on it until I can win.
So I am happy now, happy not dating, happy because it's a long weekend and I have homework up to my ears and I am doing things with friends I haven't seen in a long time, and things with friends I have seen not that long ago, and in between. If I have one regret, though, it would be that I still wanted to hold your hand.
I'm off, have a very merry weekend. Leave a comment, I like comments. Auf wiedersehen.

Magic

Where am I?

School needs to be over, I'm tired of certain teachers, I'm tired of homework, I'm tired of not knowing what I'm going to do after I graduate. I'm just tired, and living for weekends and weeknights. I guess my priorities are backwards, but I don't really care. It's echoing sentiments of a lot of us, that this is all going down when there's nothing we're doing and we could be doing everything to change it.

"I'm waiting for the breakdown..."

I've got your back if you've got my hand

Open mouth, insert foot.
Or even better, open foot, insert mouth.

Why is this so difficult? Seriously, you're making this a circus. But you're pretty much screwing yourself over because I'm happy with the way things are. I don't think they could get any better than they are right now at this point. It's pretty much exactly what I wanted, without my having to ask, so yeah, I like this. You also make me laugh because you're not really obvious or anything. Not a coincidence. I find you hilarious.

Physics should die. I don't get it and then when I'm actually paying attention and I think I did alright on an assignment I get a whole 50%. Right. That's real encouraging. Thank you.

If anyone at all still reads this they should leave comments. Even if you're a creeper and I don't know you you should leave a comment because I like comments. It adds some excitement to my "dreary" life. Haha. Get it? I didn't really think you would.

And to end, I've been having weird dreams lately. There's generally recurring places, places I have dreamed about years ago and forgotten about until I dream them again. And then you wonder how much of your waking life is a dream and how much of your dreams are real.
"I think it's kind of sad, the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had."

Tonight is the only time I want to be, and here is the only place

I think the word "sanctuary" is one of the most powerful words in the English language. When someone says sanctuary it immediately makes you think of a safe place, a place where you can be yourself and not worry about anything or anybody else. The place where you are the happiest, when you know the monsters under your bed are stuck there, unable to come out, and the demons riding on your back were left at the door. And you know, you just know, that nothing bad can happen to you when you're there, and your problems can't bother you as long as you stay. And you can stay as long as you like, and no one's going to force you to leave, or hurt you. And you're content. Perfectly comfortable. S'alright, perfectly alright. Nothing can touch you, nothing can hurt you anymore.

I can't forgive myself

What hurts more,
A knife cold and sharp on my skin
Or your words cold and sharp on my soul?
Which scars fade
Which pain leaves my lying awake at night
Wondering how there are so many facets of you to deal with
And how many wounds time won't heal
How many times your words make me cry
So all I want tonight
Is for someone to hold me
Rock me until I fall asleep
And tell me everything'll be alright
This pain doesn't last forever
Soon you'll be happy again
Without you tearing me apart
Broken, but never good enough for you

So today was the most frustrating day ever and I still don't know what to think about you. At times you're so kind and you even apologize, but then you go back and cut me down again. Pile my own stupidity and damn stubbornness on top of that and I don't know what to do anymore. It's days like today...

My hands are cold
My head is hot
This fever's old
Yet I am not...